Jaye-Walking

New Experiences

2012-01-21T16:07:00.000-05:00

Monday was my first day off after several, and I decided I wanted to go to the movies. I also decided to make this outing en femme. I somehow missed out on writing about it, but I did finally get a couple of outings during the fall. On the first I went out to attend that museum show I wrote about, but due to unforeseen circumstances, I never made it to the museum. My second trip out was simply a low-key trek across town to pick up my meds. I didn't have any real negative experiences, aside from the usual occasional laughter. I can live with laughter. It's much preferable to violence of any kind.

The weather of late has been wonky, even for Florida. We've had cold, rainy days followed by sunny and hot. Monday I ventured out in jeans and a sweater, and I was plenty warm, though I brought a denim jacket just in case. I wore a pair of boots I'd picked up for just such an occasion, Merona Kamischel Lug-Sole Boots in Grey from Target. I'd wanted to get out early, but I have motivational issues without my regular medication, and I got a late start. I didn't make it out the door until 1600.

Vicki was nice enough to drive me up to my bus stop, and from there I caught the bus into the downtown area. I then walked six blocks over to catch another bus which delivered me to the mall. I arrived there around 1715, and to my dismay, the movie I'd come to see, David Fincher's The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo didn't start until 1845. I had about an hour and a half to kill, and I had a little spending money with me, so I decided to shop a bit. Tallahassee Mall has been on a downward trend for years, and there are far more empty storefronts there than open stores, but they have Burlington Coat Factory, Barnes & Noble, and a Victoria's Secret. That last store was having their Semi-Annual Sale, featuring panties for $2.99 and bras for $15.99. I bought one of each. That was one of my new experiences. I've shopped at VS before, but only bought something for one of my nieces. I seem to remember writing about a previous trip there when I lived in Virginia. I don't remember being treated very well, and I remember being put off because the salesperson wanted me to buy a poorly-fitting bra. I didn't have that experience this time. The salespeople I met were very welcoming. The other customers I interacted with were nice, also. The sale bras were "sorted" into bins by their band and cup size. I'm wearing 38D now, and the 38D bins didn't have very many 38D bras in them, or even 38s of any size. I guess a day of customers pawing through the bins would disorder them, and if they were as busy all day as they were when I shopped there, then maybe they didn't have time to re-sort them.

One thing I want to mention here, that I haven't gotten around to saying before, is that I've lost weight. At my heaviest last year, I was pushing 230. I'm down to 200. Must be work and all that walking. It's been nice, because some of my tops and such look a lot better, but it's also a bit of a pain, because my pants don't fit anymore. For the last four or five years, I've been wearing size 12-14 jeans, and now they don't fit. None of them, from any manufacturer, will stay up on my waist or hips without the addition of a belt. I've gotten out and bought a couple of new pairs in the junior size 11. They're a little snug, but they're comfortable all the same. I'm still large on top, but I've lost a couple of inches in my chest, hence the 38 bras.

After VS, I hiked to the other end of the mall to Barnes & Noble. I really didn't want to buy any books, but looking at them can eat up a lot of time, and it did. I also got hit on. There was this really persistent gentleman wandering the scifi stacks, and he really wanted to chat me up. I suppose I should be flattered, because he either didn't "read" me, or he didn't care. He said he thought I was hot, and he wanted to get to know me better, but it was getting late, and my movie was starting soon, and he made me nervous, so I apologized and told him I wasn't interested, and beat feet for the theater.

The Girl with The Dragon Tattoo was one of the best book adaptations I've seen in a long time. Fincher made a couple of changes from the novel, but I don't think they detracted from the story at all, and I think they might help if he's successful in making the rest of the Millennium trilogy. I think Noomi Rapace was the best feature of the original Swedish productions, but Rooney Mara IS Lisbeth Salander. She totally owned the character, from the "Fuck you!" street persona to the underlying vulnerability and all the nuances in between. I love the horn earrings she wore in the movie, and I was much dismayed to learn that H&M sold out of them (as well as every stitch of the clothing line).

The movie didn't let out until 2130, and that posed a problem for me getting home. The last bus toward home ran past the mall at 2145, and it took me longer than that to walk around to the front side of the mall where the bus stop is. I messaged Vicki to see if I could get a ride. She was tied up across town waiting for her husband to get off from work, so I walked up the road to the nearby Whataburger to wait. It wasn't my first choice for either food or a place to wait, but there aren't many stores or restaurants in that neighborhood that are open late, so that's where I went. I ordered a combo and sat down to eat and wait. After the meal, I got bored, and decided to start walking. I messaged Vicki to let her know I was moving on, and that I'd try to get closer to home so it'd be easier for them to pick me up. That was the beginning of my next new experience.

I've been out walking a lot, but I haven't done much of it at night, and I haven't been out dressed as a woman. This could have been my undoing. I'd barely traveled half a mile from the Mall when a car rolled up beside me and the driver asked me "How much?" I told him I wasn't a prostitute and kept walking. A mile or so down the road, another driver pulled into an adjacent parking lot and flashed his lights at me. BLINK BLINK. I started to feel like I was in a bad movie. I kept walking. That wasn't the last time. I was propositioned twice more, by one more driver and a pedestrian.

I couldn't figure why I was getting so much attention. I wasn't dressed provocatively. My makeup was understated daytime stuff. I wasn't even walking sexily or anything. Then I remembered all the casually-dressed prostitutes I've seen in my travels, all the solitary women I'd seen by the road in different places who turned out to be "working", I was afraid that I was going to attract attention from the police, and I didn't want that, either. I took the hint and got off the street.

The next block hosts a 24-hour CVS drug store. I ate up a lot of time in there, and even purchased a few items. Then I went out front to wait, and a few minutes later I was in the car rolling home. I got home with just enough time to undress, clean off my makeup and nail polish before climbing into bed for a short sleep before work again.

Different Eyes, Different Vision

2012-01-13T22:12:00.002-05:00

Here we are in a new year. I'm going to try to write more often, and to stay on-topic. That's as close to a New Year's resolution as you'll get from me.

I've written before about my experiments with feminine beauty enhancements. I've gone on at length about my fingernails, culminating in last year's French manicure. I've toed the line a few times with my eyebrows, though they don't generate the reaction they used to. I guess waxing has become more common since I started. Two weeks ago I decided to experiment with something a little more daring: eyelash extensions.

I thought they'd be something simple and subtle: a neat little look-enhancer that wouldn't be totally jarring with my normal day-to-day masculine appearance. I've written here before about my mediocre experiences with mascara. I decided to do the extensions almost on the spur of the moment. I'd actually gone into the salon to ask about something else (leg waxing, if anyone cares) and was suffering from sticker shock over the cost. I was determined to treat myself to something, though. I flipped through the salon's brochure, and saw that they did eyelash extensions, and asked if they could do that instead.

Getting the extensions was certainly a new experience. It's been a long time since I let anyone do anything that close to my eyes, and obeying the instructions to "Look that way" while the stylist leaned into my eye with a gigantic pair of tweezers was tough. I survived, though. The lashes I got were the shortest they offer, and they're still dramatically thicker than my natural lashes. They were annoying at first, as I had trouble adjusting to the extra weight on my eyelids. I probably unwitting batted them at lots of people at first, without meaning to. I've grown used to them, though. I like the look, but I'm not sure I want to pony up $25 every three weeks to maintain them.

Did anyone notice them? They certainly did. At least the women did. The compliments have fairly streamed in, from ladies who thought they were my natural lashes to more observant people who wanted to know where I'd got them done. From gentlemen, nothing. I don't know if men are just less observant, or more circumspect. I doubt it's the latter, though. Men have always been quick to point out my manicures, and usually in a derogatory manner. Maybe they don't want to admit to looking that close.

Tomorrow night's another Skeptics in the Pub event, and I managed to get the night off. I am dressing up this time, so I'll get the full effect of how the lashes look with makeup. I'll let you know how things go.

I'm a Photo Nerd Again!

2011-12-16T00:23:00.000-05:00

That's got to sound a little weird, I admit, but I know of no other way to express the way I feel right now.

Last December, my little Olympus camera died, and with everything that came after, I never got around to getting it fixed or replaced. You can argue my skill as a photographer, but I love to take pictures, and it's another form of expression that helps keep me grounded.

2011 was a rough year, and my opportunities for photography have been few, but that's in the past. My Dad was generous enough to send me WalMart gift card for Xmas, and I used it and some of my own money to buy a new camera. I got a Fujifim FinePix T190. Real photographers will no doubt scoff at my toy. I, on the other hand am very happy. Thanks, Dad.

Just a Thought

2011-11-26T17:12:00.001-05:00

"Statistically, the probability of any one of us being here is so small that the mere fact of our existence should keep us all in a state of contented dazzlement." - Lewis Thomas

I don't know about the rest of you, but statements like that give me a little endorphin rush. Would anyone else like to share in my wondrous tizzy?

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-31T19:32:00.000-04:00

Two years ago I went out dressed for Halloween in an actual costume. I was hoping to get back out again this year, but work intervened. I was planning to resurrect the witch idea, with a new corset top, pointy shoes and some spiderweb tights I picked out, but it wasn't to be. I got another idea for a costume I could have worn to work, but they don't do that around here, so I came to work in the costume I wear every other day. It's especially grating because my family are hosting a themed party at home. All the kids are dressing up, and the adults too, I think. Dinner is potluck, but my sister was making up deviled eggs when I left this afternoon. I do hope they save me some.

Not Digging the New Blogger Interface

2011-10-25T21:07:00.001-04:00

Yet I must soldier on here, unless I want to start all over someplace else. I'm sure this looks awesome for people who write their blogs on 4G phones and netbooks. It's massively streamlined, and I suppose it might grow upon me, though hopefully not like fungus or anything.

My Pink Bag

2011-10-16T18:34:00.000-04:00

When I posted the other day, I couldn't find the bag in question on the Target site. That's because I was looking in the clearance section, and this bag isn't supposed to be on clearance.

My New Purse

And I got it for 50% off!

Of Bags and Gender

2011-10-12T12:50:00.000-04:00

This post has been brewing for a while. The seeds were planted last month, but the material didn't reach a meaningful conclusion until yesterday. I'll try to make some sense here.

Back in the late 90s I began to carry a shoulder bag back and forth to work. This came about because I gradually felt the need to carry more and more items to work at my various positions. I began carrying a bagged lunch. Then I added a notebook, a cellphone, a handful of small tools and various odds and ends. There have been a number of these bags. I've had tote bags, a couple of satchels, and a succession of laptop bags that have rarely carried laptops.

During the same period my working wardrobe began to evolve. I've mentioned before how limited my male wardrobe has become. At positions where uniforms weren't provided, I've worn my own clothes, usually a combination of male button-down shirts with female slacks. Most of those slacks have no pockets to speak of, so I'd gotten into the habit of carrying my wallet, phone, coins and anything else in the aforementioned bag. I've often jokingly referred to this bag as my "man purse". Sometimes this generates some ribbing, but it's all in fun, and I just smile my way through.

During the time I was out of work, my Green Dot card lapsed from non-use, and I've yet to sort out a new banking option since I started the new job. One week I cashed my paycheck, and the very next day someone went through my bag at work and stole the cash. No one understood why my wallet wasn't in my pants. No one questioned my gender, but I got a lot of funny looks. A couple of people asked me point-blank why I didn't carry my wallet in my pants. I just told them it was an old habit. That same day I received my new uniforms, including two pairs of khaki pants. Since that time, I've gone back to carrying my wallet in my pocket. No one has robbed me since, but what's the cost to my sense of self?

I've spent the last weeks plotting my return to the world en femme. You'll remember that I was planning to do so back in August, but the time got away from me. I had planned to go out for the Skeptics' event last weekend, but a series of mishaps caused me to miss my bus, and I wasn't able to secure another ride, so I didn't go out. There's a reception Friday night for a show opening at the FSU Museum that I'm planning to attend. The show is called "Cute and Creepy". Sounds like it's right up my alley, doesn't it?

The various elements of my femme wardrobe are scattered hither and yon, with most of my clothes and shoes at the store in Havana, and my purses and other bags at the storage site here in Tallahassee, which we can't get into at the moment. Yesterday I browsed the clearance racks at Target looking for a purse. I found a cute bag at the right price, but I wavered on actually buying it, because it's PINK. For some reason I've never been comfortable with that color. I think it goes back to childhood, when the color was associated with sissies. That was a long time ago, and I know the color has acquired lots of positive connotations in the meantime. Pink is associated with the breast cancer awareness/cure campaign. I've just never been comfortable wearing it. Am I strong enough to bear a pink bag? We'll see. I'm going back to Target this afternoon to buy the purse.

Before I go, I thought I'd share links for the art show and other related topics.

Cute and Creepy
The curator's site
Susan G. Komen for the Cure

Current Events

2011-09-25T23:26:00.000-04:00

Has it been a month again? I'm starting to think I should change the title of this blog again, if only to reflect its episodic nature. "Jaye-Walking: Only Published As Often As the Author Can Collect Her Thoughts." Hmm. That doesn't roll off the tongue quite as trippingly as it could. Anyway, more about me. ;)

Note that in the above paragraph I referred to myself in the feminine. I may live my day-to-day as a man, but I'm definitely in a more feminine frame of mind. Speaking of feminine frames, I've lost weight. I'm told that eight hours a day on your feet will do that for you, but I've been walking a lot lately, too. I'm learning my way around the Tallahassee transit system, and it's getting me where I need to go, but the nearest boarding points are a nice three-mile hike from the house. All the exercise is good for me right? I'm also sleeping and eating better, too. I haven't abandoned the junk food (y'all know me better than that), but I haven't been gorging myself, either. In case anyone's counting, I weighed in this afternoon at 200.

I'm still taking my meds, but I haven't been to see any doctors yet. When I first went to the hospital, I was staying in Havana, so my case worker lined me up with a clinic in nearby Quincy. I don't have my own transport, and my sister's been down to one car for most of the last six weeks, so it's been hard to get anywhere that's not on the bus line. I will call her tomorrow and see if I can reschedule for something here in town. I would have done it sooner, but my cellphone has been weird lately. It has the annoying habit of switching itself into airplane mode unbidden. I didn't even know what that was until yesterday, or how to turn it off, and almost a week with no cellphone was more annoying than the same period with no antidepressants.

While I'm talking about cellphones, it's time to get a new one. Somewhere I have a New Yorker cartoon that shows a woman in a store asking for a phone "that doesn't do anything". That was me for a long time. A phone was just a communications device, for voice talking and nothing else. Slowly, I twigged to all of the other things phones can do these days, and I learned the concept of phone envy. I was using a nice 3G phone that had been confiscated from one of my nieces. That niece was given phone privileges again and I received a downgrade. I'm not a phone snob, by any stretch, but when this line comes up for renewal next month, I'm getting a new phone if I have to pay for it.

I really need to do some shopping. I trolled through the mall again a couple of days ago, and saw some of the prettiest clothes I've seen in ages. If I'd been dolled up to shop, I might've gotten to try some things on, but I barely got the time of day from the salespeople I interacted with.

Let's end this thing on a positive note, shall we? Friday afternoon I was browsing in the local Big Lots, trying to not buy anything (my latest pastime). The in-store Muzak system started to play Feist's "1234". It's such a happy, jaunty song, and I started to dance around the store. It was just a little soft-shoe at first, but by the second verse I was actually dancing through the aisles. I couldn't help myself. I was goofy and giddy and I didn't care. One can only imagine what the guy watching the security feed was thinking. C'mon, you know you want to join me.

A Grand Day Out

2011-08-26T23:08:00.001-04:00

Today I had a nice time out by myself. After the upheavals of the last few months, I've needed some alone time, and a shopping trip was the perfect excursion.

My shift at work ended at 1300, and I had previously asked my sister if she would take me to a bookstore. There's a Borders just down the road from the hotel. In case you haven't heard, Borders are going out of business, and everything in their stores must go. Books and other merchandise are 50-70% off, and I decided to take advantage. I wandered around there for about an hour, and ended up with six paperbacks (various titles from the Warhammer 40K series The Horus Heresy, two trade paperbacks (William Gibson and Charles de Lint), a three-pack of pink and black fuzzy socks and a woven black and white checked tote bag (which I bought so I wouldn't have to lug around plastic shopping bags. My total there came to $62 and change, for merchandise which would've originally retailed for over $100. I didn't think I was doing too bad, but I wasn't finished.

I knew my sister wasn't going to be coming back for another hour or so, so I texted her to let her know I was going to walk down the road to Governor's Square Mall. I've only been to that mall once before, so I spent a few minutes perusing the directory posted just inside the entrance. I walked around the upper level until I found a salon called Brow Art. I used to get my brows waxed when I got my manicures or pedicures, but I haven't had regular salon service since just after I left my last position.

At Brow Art, they remove hair by threading. That was somewhat like being waxed, but different. For one thing, it hurt a little more. The effect was nice, but I think they left my brows a little heavier than I prefer. I can always go back and ask them to thin me out some more.

After the salon, I walked around and window-shopped a bit. I saw lots of pretty clothes, but I was trying to save my money for other things. I did try on a couple of pairs of heels at Payless, including a pair of those shoes that are so popular lately, with the 5.5-inch heels and a platform under the toe. My GM runs around all day in those, and I often wonder how she does it. I don't really want a pair of those right now (Yes I do!), but I wanted to reassure myself that I could walk in shoes like that if I wanted to.

My next port of call was GameStop. I discovered last week that my Xbox 360 isn't dead (it only overheated), so I bought a previously-owned copy of Halo: Reach, a game which my brother hooked me on while I've been hanging out in Havana. Using the gift card I won at the company Christmas party last year, I only had to spend $12. Very cool.

Cruising through the center court of the mall brought me to the MAC Cosmetics kiosk. I could have blown the rest of my paycheck there, but I held myself to just a couple of items. When I still had a femme profile pic on Facebook, one of my new friends commented that I needed better beard cover. I fielded several recommendations, and one I got the most often was a newer MAC product called Studio Tech Foundation. My beard had come in a bit since I shaved this morning, but Whitney (my artist) found a patch where it was still smooth, and worked the foundation in, combined with Prep+Prime/Skin, a primer. I've found that eye shadow stays on better if I apply primer first, so it stands to reason that the same might apply with foundation. Under the combination of products, my beard shadow disappeared. I've found another favorite product, I think. It's more expensive than the drug store brands, but not as pricey as the Lancome stuff I bought a couple of years ago. I can't wait to try it out.

I window-shopped a bit more, but my sister texted to say she was on her way, and she met me outside the entrance a few minutes later. It was a good trip, "A Grand Day Out" (if I may steal from Wallace and Gromit). I felt the most like myself that I have in a very long time. I went out dressed in men's clothing, but I went wherever I wanted, enjoyed my experiences, and spent a nice couple of hours wandering around in the air conditioning. I've got to do this more often.

Facebook: Actually Good for Something After All

2011-08-23T22:55:00.000-04:00

I have gone on, at length in this blog about my love/hate relationship with Facebook. Some of the changes they've made in the last year are mind-boggling (at least to me). Don't get me started on they way they integrated chat with messaging.

In all the hubbub of the past week, I forgot an event I should make note of. Last Monday I was scheduled to work the audit shift. Due to the proverbial series of unfortunate events, all of my sister's vehicles were deadlined. The last public bus running that way left around the time I discovered the cars were all out. I didn't have the money for a taxi, and one of my managers said she could come to get me, but I'd have had to spring for gas. As a last-ditch maneuver, I posted my situation on Facebook, and asked if anyone in my Tallahassee circle of friends could convey me to work.

The first comments to my Status update were people from parts elsewhere, wishing me luck, or telling me that if only they still lived in Tally, they'd be happy to take me. After an hour of that, I began to despair of finding a ride. Then I got a comment from one of my local friends, someone I befriended through the Tallahassee A's, but had yet to actually meet. She asked me where I lived, where I had to go, and when I had to be there. Over the next hour, we sorted all of that out, and she drove over a little after 10pm to pick me up.

I was pretty sure that I had posted at some point that I was skosh cash, but it ended up being somewhat of a surprise. I have promised to buy her drinks at the next Skeptics' outing, or any other time she chooses, so we're sort of squared away.

So I got to meet someone who's pretty cool, and got a ride to work in the bargain. I'd like to think that that might be the future of social networking: not merely for connecting people, but for helping them get the things they need.

Getting Back Into It All

2011-08-18T20:34:00.000-04:00

I've gone almost a month without updating this blog. I didn't mean to, but I have been busy. I started that hotel job I wrote about, and that has consumed a lot of my time. I spent most of the first two weeks training, learning about the new company and updating my computer training, but now I'm back to work full-time. I like this company, and they seem to like me. They certainly don't seem to mind asking me to work. I've been asked to come in early, stay late, and fill in on otherwise off days, so long as I don't go into overtime. They even asked me to come in and cover a couple of audit shifts, though they're not asking me to work those on a regular basis, because I don't want to work then. No one I've worked for the last few years has been that accommodating of my wishes. I'd definitely like to stay on here.

With work came my first paycheck in six months. It didn't last very long, but it got me a few necessities, and also financed my first night out in a long time. The Tallahassee A's crossover sometimes with a local skeptics group, and they have a monthly outing called Skeptics in the Pub, which is currently held at a local watering hole called The Fermentation Lounge. Actually, calling the Ferm a hole of any kind is demeaning. I've never had a bar that I thought of as mine, but the Fermentation Lounge is in the running to become mine in Tallahassee. Keeping in mind that I recently began taking antidepressants, I resolved to keep my drinking to a mininum, and I was successful. This isn't a bar where one can order Budweiser or similar more common beers. They run more to local brews and home creations, and their selection varies almost from night to night. They carry beer, wine and other beverages like cider and meads. I started out drinking a brew I forgot the name of, but that tasted strongly of tangerines. Afterwards I switched to cider, and I finished my night drinking non-alcoholic ginger beer.

Saturday night was supposed to be my first outing en femme, but I ran out of time getting ready, so I went out in my usual male guise. It was a good time, though. I got to see several people from the A's that I haven't seen for a couple of months, and I met some new people as well. We had a good time talking about all sorts of things, and I went home happy. I definitely need to do stuff like that more often. I need to come out en femme the next time, if only to visually offset the overwhelming male majority on outings like these.

Good News!

2011-07-22T17:54:00.000-04:00

It took a couple of days, but I was able to get by the hospital last week looking for help. Under the auspices of the Florida Mental Health Act, I was able to get myself a 72-hour stay in a very friendly facility. I went in as a suicidal, depressed person, but came out much feeling much healthier. I mentioned during my intake interview that I have gender identity issues, and those came to the fore during my visit to the psychiatrist and my follow-up meetings with various counselors. I told them that I'm not sure where I fit on the transgender spectrum, and they all said that I deserve to find that out, and explore my options. My visit to the psychiatrist also yielded a couple of prescriptions for antidepressants. I've only been taking them for a week, but I'm sleeping better, and I've lost a lot of the anxiety that plagued my day to day life. I have my first appointment with one of the counselors outside in August.

On an even more positive note, I finally got a job. I went to an interview on Wednesday at the local franchise of a hotel chain I've worked for before. I originally applied for a job there in March, but the position had been filled. They have a slot opening up next week, and they had retained my resume from the last time. The interview was the best of all the ones I've had, and I left feeling very good about my chances. Apparently I transposed the numbers from my phone, because they've been trying to call me since then, and the call wasn't going through. I got an email this morning, and they'd like me to start training next Tuesday.

Another positive development is that I've got a more permanent place to live, starting in a couple of weeks. My sister will be able to move into her new house after the beginning of August. The property includes a small guesthouse similar to where I moved into in December last year. That building was originally earmarked for another person, but he is no longer a part of their considerations, so it was offered to me. I'll be able to get into the house for meals and bathing, but I'll have my own place to sleep, watch TV and surf the net. Going back to work, I'll be able to fix my 360, and Xbox Live will follow soon after.

It's taken me a while, but life is slowly coming back together for me. I look to the future with a sense of hope.

Taking a Little Vacation

2011-07-10T01:17:00.000-04:00

The last few weeks have been rough. When I last wrote, I was preparing to move out of my sister's house. Or at least, I was preparing for my sister to move out of her house. We spent a lot of days in June breaking down the house, packing things into boxes and readying other items for sale. We started having a yard sale on the weekends, to raise money until my sister got the money she was waiting for. We sold a lot that first week: an LCD television, two bed sets, a DVD player and most of the major kitchen appliances. Yeah, they sold the refrigerator and the microwave on the first day of the sale, some three weeks before the scheduled move.

Two days after my last posts, the City of Tallahassee shut off the electricity. My sister had just acquired thousands of dollars from various relatives, but she didn't use it to pay the light bill. Those last six days and nights at the old house were hellish. We'd work from sunrise to sunset doing whatever needed to be done, then it we'd sit in the house and read by candlelight. I was already depressed, but losing electricity meant losing access to the internet, too, and my circle of friends shrunk from dozens to a mere handful. Connected to the world by the web, I have many friends, scattered across six of the seven continents. Without the web, I can count my friends on the fingers of one hand.

If you'll recall, I was waiting for an opportunity to move in with the gentleman I met through the Tallahassee Atheists group. It was a tidy little setup. He was offering me room and board in exchange for keeping up the yard around his house. Do you remember that I thought the offer was too good to be true? A couple of days into that last week, I called my friend to let him know that the move was taking longer than I'd thought. I had been told that we'd be getting a moving truck on Monday of that week. As it happened, we didn't get it until midday on Thursday. I called to make sure we were still on, and told him I wouldn't be ready to move until Friday evening, or possibly Saturday morning. All of my things were packed up, but I wasn't going to bail out on my sister until the move was done. My friend had told me previously that he might be going out of town for the Fourth of July weekend, and when we talked, he told me that he'd wait for my call Saturday morning.

As it happens, we didn't finish the move until last Saturday afternoon, after my friend told me that he'd be going out of town. I spent the weekend with my brother at the store in Havana. It's a little cramped, but I've been able to get back online, and I've kept myself busy helping out with the store's operations. On Tuesday (July 5th), I sent my friend a message on Facebook asking when would be a good time to call. I never received a response. On Wednesday I called, and the phone went to voicemail without ringing, which told me his phone was turned off. I called again Thursday and the phone rang, but went to voicemail again. I left another message indicating I was ready to move; I just needed to know when it was okay to come out to his house. I never got a callback.

Yesterday my friend sent me a message on Facebook, saying that he never heard from me, so the room is no longer available. He said he looked forward to seeing me at a future atheist function, and signed off. I was so mad I could have walked out into traffic. Obviously I didn't, but I thought about it. This brings me to my next thought, and the point of this post.

I've been depressed for a long time, but I've never sought any kind of help for it. This has been a mistake. I should have reached out for professional help last year when my thoughts turned to suicide, but I thought I could keep myself away from the brink on my own. I spent a couple of hours the other night talking with my sister and my brother. My brother has suffered from depression in one form or another since he was seventeen. It runs in my family: my grandfather suffered from post traumatic stress disorder and was an alcoholic; both of my uncles had problems with drugs and/or alcohol and one of them killed himself when I was eleven. My mom had problems of that sort later in life, but they were overshadowed by her other health difficulties. I can hardly imagine how she held it together all those years watching her children lurch from catastrophe to the next. During the course of our discussion, I mentioned my misgivings about moving in with my friend. He's a little paranoid, and has a house full of guns. That's not the sort of environment I need to move into in my current circumstances. My friend lives twelve miles outside of Tallahassee proper, and with no vehicle of my own, I'd have no way to get around on my own. so I'd be stuck out there, often all alone, with a house full of firearms and my black moods.

My sister is out of town this weekend. I've been helping my brother keep shop, but I'm biding my time till she returns. Monday or Tuesday next week, I'm going to do something about my depression and thoughts of suicide. I've got neither a job, nor insurance, nor money of my own, so I'm going to the emergency room at the hospital. My brother has done this in the past. I'll tell them what's been going on and we'll see what happens. They might admit me for a few days, so I can talk to a doctor, and undergo tests, and maybe get some medication. Because I'm essentially indigent, I'll see if I qualify for Medicaid, which is paid out of the deductions from my wages from every job I've held since the age of fifteen. I may as well get some use out of it. I might be offline for a few days after this, but I'll be sure to report my condition after I get back.

Marriage Equality in New York

2011-06-25T03:33:00.000-04:00

Just in case you haven't heard, the New York state legislature voted last night to legalize gay marriage in that state. I'm glad someone has good news.

Incidentally, this is my 300th post on this blog. Here's to many more.

Some Developments

2011-06-25T02:16:00.000-04:00

I thought I should provide an update, what with things moving so erratically of late.

It would appear that I did not get the job. I thought it was my best interview yet, but a week has passed, and I've received no phone calls. I really wanted to work there, too. It would have made the rest of this easy, going forward.

After weeks of being poor like me, my sister has come into some money. She's buying a car this weekend, because her truck crapped out. If I had gotten this position, she and her husband were going to help me get one as well. They still might get another vehicle, but I won't have any claim on it, unless they allow me to use it.

I think I've found a place to live, at least in the short-term. One of my friends in Tallahassee Atheists has a spare room, and he's willing to let me live there in exchange for working on his yard. He's offering room and board, and all I have to do is mow his lawn and keep up the yard. Sounds like a steal, right? His property is about three acres. I'll certainly be earning my keep if I move out there.

I made some changes over on Facebook. I changed my profile picture to one of me in my current guise, id est, I'm male. I backtracked all the trans information out of my publicly-accessible profile and hid all of my femme photos. It's both honest (who I am on the outside) and dishonest (lying to myself and everyone else). I'm just in a rough space at the moment. I'm not sure what I am anymore. I keep saying I'm going to trek down the road to the local Leon County Health Department office to see if I can get any help, but I've yet to do so. If I move in with my friend, I won't be able to do that anymore, as he lives eight miles outside of Tally proper.

Anyway, enough about the depressing stuff. I didn't notice when I changed the format, but the wallpaper image used with this template is a painting of the view out the window of some large jet. I like that. It implies movement, a feeling of going somewhere (and not in a handbasket).

In the midst of everything that's happened the last few weeks, my old friends at Bioware released a bunch of information about Mass Effect 3, set to debut next March. It's silly, but if nothing else, seeing this game trilogy to its conclusion gives me something to live for. One of the trailers is below.

Fashion Faux Pas on Airline Flights

2011-06-22T16:29:00.000-04:00

What Will Get You Kicked Off US Airways? Saggy pants or underpants?

I'm a big fan of letting people dress however they choose... within reason. I'm not sure what to say here.

20/20 Hindsight

2011-06-21T14:10:00.000-04:00

I lost my job in February, and I didn't understand why. I now think that I know, and the knowledge is eating me up inside.

A brief timeline of events:

August 2009 - Written up at work for wearing earrings and nail polish.

April 2010 - Started at BLANK. Quickly scanned through the employee handbook, found no prohibition against males wearing earrings, and the only reference to nail polish says it must be neat and in neutral colors.

May 2010 - One evening I came into work wearing a pair of small studs. The front office manager said they were okay. A couple of weeks later, the Leon County Commission votes to add sexual preference, gender identity and expression to the classes protected by the County's civil rights ordinance. The ordinance specifically prohibits discrimination in employment and all forms of accommodation (housing, hotels, restaurants, etc).

December 2010 - I was written up for a couple of errors I made. Around the same time I got my acrylic nails and French manicure. I had to endure a little good-natured ribbing, but no one complained about my appearance (at least that I know of).

February 2011 - I was fired, allegedly in response to some other error I had made. I didn't understand what they told me. I told them that if I had made a mistake, I should be allowed to try to fix it., As a consolation, the manager tells me that I've done good work there, and offers to provide me with a reference if I need one.

I talked to my father on Sunday. I called to wish him a Happy Father's Day. It was the first time we really talked in almost a year. He told me that he accepts my crossdressing, but wonders if that somehow influenced the way I was fired. I told him that was impossible. I haven't been out anywhere en femme since I came to Tallahassee. "What about your nails?" he asked. I didn't think that had been an issue, but it could have been. The company I used to work with is very sensitive to guest commentary. What if someone noticed my manicure and said something about it? If someone chose to make an issue of my appearance, that could have trumped all other considerations, and the anti-discrimination policy be damned.

Sadly, all this feels correct. I don't know what this means. I don't think there's any legal recourse. Florida is an at-will employment state. Employment can be ended by either the employee or employer at any time with no explanation. Once again, it's nice to know where one stands.

Messing With the Format

2011-06-18T23:07:00.000-04:00

You may have noticed that the blog looks a little different. I started out wanting to adjust the page width, because I got tired of embedding Youtube videos that display chopped off in the middle. I was using the default template before, and it doesn't allow you to change the sizes of anything. I settled on the first template I found that allowed me to rearrange things, but I'm still not satisfied. I'd appreciate any guidance my readers can offer.

I must contact Google again about the advertising. When I started writing tonight, the usual General Dynamics ad was showing, but when I changed the format, an ad for Christian vacation Bible school appeared. That just will not do. I will not allow this blog to be used to shill for any religion.

Developing Stories

2011-06-18T22:53:00.000-04:00

Apart from the aside about embracing advertising, my last post was full of doom and gloom. I haven't solved all of my problems yet, but there has been some progress.

Friday my sister and her husband signed an intent to purchase agreement for a new house (new to them, anyway). It's a big place on a couple of acres, with a pool and some of the trimmings, but it won't be ready for them to move into until August, probably. They won't have to leave their current place until the first of July, almost two weeks from now. The new place doesn't really have room for me, so I'm still hunting. I'm going to the atheist meeting tomorrow, to see the only other people I know in Tallahassee. Hopefully someone will have a lead for me. Sara, I've tried to contact the Big Bend Homeless Coalition. I called every few minutes for hours one day, and only ever got the admin assistant's voice mail. As Malcolm Reynolds once put it, "I ain't waiting for help from on high. That's a long wait for a train don't come." I'll get through this one way or another.

On a positive note, I had another interview Friday afternoon. I feel the best about this interview of any of them. If I get it, I'll be going back on the night shift and working Sunday to Thursday. I'll have weekends free for stuff again. I really hope to hear from these people again next week.

Jaye-Walking, Now with Ads

2011-06-13T13:15:00.000-04:00

I have done yet another of those things I said I wouldn't do. I added AdSense to this blog. I resisted for so long because I didn't want to risk this blog being associated with inappropriate advertising. I didn't want to see sex toys or Thai ladyboy dating ads. After assurances that this would not happen, I broke down and added the feature. It's only been a couple of days, but I'm not happy.

Yesterday, I opened this blog in another tab and found an ad for General Dynamics, touting their information systems for military medical applications. I don't know what that has to do with this blog, but I support the US military, and anything that helps them is okay in my book. Today I logged in and found one of those"...and I'm a Mormon" spots. WTF? I am an atheist, a humanist. I've got no use for any religion, and I have blogged about that at length. Methinks I'm going to have to talk to Google.

Where I Stand

2011-06-12T21:02:00.001-04:00

No more hemming and hawing. No dissembling allowed here.

Once again I find myself in a hole that I do not know how to dig my way out of. In short: I need help. I am unsure how to get the help I need, and am even less certain of whom to ask or how to ask them.

As I have previously stated, I have been out of work since February. I have filled out numerous applications, e-mailed resumes and made phone calls. After four months, I still have nothing to show for my efforts.

I was kicked out of the guest house I had been renting in March. Since that time I've been sleeping on a mattress at my sister's house. It's not been a perfect solution, but I've had a roof over my head, food to eat and net access. This situation is, alas, coming to an end.

My sister and her husband have been renting a double-wide trailer since December. It's cramped and nothing works like it should. After months of disputes with their landlord, they have elected to move out, but they have yet to secure another permanent place to live. They've been hashing out alternatives including hotel rooms and campgrounds. None of these is exactly cheap, but it's better than nothing. The problem for me, in this situation, is that prices for these places go up incrementally in relation to how many people are staying in them. My sister has eight children and a manny, plus two dogs and five inside/outside cats. That doesn't leave a lot of leeway for me. In another seven days or so, I won't have a place to live.

This is quickly becoming the story of my life: I live for a time in a place until circumstances make it impossible to live there anymore, and I end up having to move away and start all over again someplace new. That's what happened in 2007, when I moved back to Virginia from Charlotte, North Carolina. January 2010 found me reluctantly moving to from Portsmouth, Virginia to Tallahassee, Florida. I've considered moving again, either back to Virginia or to Charlotte. I have pleasant memories and a few friends left in each location. This should be easy, right?

Sometime before I came to Florida, my father had told me I could live with him and his new wife. That was before he permanently moved in with her in Elizabeth City, North Carolina. Since they've been married, my father has grown somewhat distant. I haven't talked to him since last spring, and any contact we've had has been initiated by me. Sometime between then and now, Dad dropped off of my Facebook friend list. I tried to call him yesterday just to talk. I wasn't going to ask for money or anything stupid like that; I just wanted advice from my father. No one answered the phone, and no one has returned my call. Dad hasn't been the same since Mom died, but I'd hate to think that he doesn't want to associate with me anymore.

Because I've been out of work so long, I've got no money. I also have no transportation. I've been told that if I can secure a place in either location, or indeed anywhere, that I will be able to get a ride to wherever I'm going. That is cool, but it's not much of a plan. I am tired of being rudderless. I just don't know what to do. Does anyone have an idea? A word of friendly advice? Please let me know.

Another Kind of Hell

2011-06-01T01:20:00.000-04:00

As I've written much about of late, I've been out of work since 2 February. The interview I wrote about weekend before last came to nothing, despite my good feelings. I've continued to pound the pavement, sometimes literally. I've filled out applications all over, in every sort of business, even in places outside of my comfort zone. Yesterday morning I banged out a resume to a donut shop looking for someone to work overnight.

I hate being idle. I hate being broke. That last is especially hellish because I'm not the only broken thing in this house. On the Sunday the family went to Wakulla Springs, my Xbox 360 died. It was a hardware failure; nothing as dramatic as the Red Ring of Death, just a simple power supply failure, what's commonly referred to as the Brick. A new Brick is going to cost me $50, if I buy it from a reputable dealer, like GameStop or the like. I got a $25 gift card from the raffle at the employee Christmas party last year, but I still need the rest, and any money I've picked up the last few weeks has gone for gasoline or other necessities.

I know, I know. It's only a toy, right? A very grown-up toy, but a toy nonetheless. Alas, it was an outlet for a lot of my negative emotions. I was alternating between replaying missions of Halo 3: ODST and my 28th campaign of Mass Effect 2. I haven't killed a hostile alien in six weeks and some. I've had steady internet access for all of that time, but my PC isn't smart enough to play any kind of combat games either online or downloaded. Hell, some flash games cause it to freeze just because it's got an inferior graphics card.

I don't expect anyone reading this to solve my problems. I just needed to vent, to let y'all know what makes me crazy.

On a more positive note, I may attend the next meeting of the Tallahassee Atheists en femme. It'll be nice to get out feeling more like myself.

Out and About

2011-05-29T21:19:00.000-04:00

Today I attended my first meeting of the Tallahassee Atheists. That was a nice little hike, 3.7 miles. It only took about an hour. The meeting was held (for the last time) in a little storefront called The Divine Union. Next month we're moving our functions to the All Saints Cafe. The irony of a humanist group meeting in places with religious names is not lost on anyone. There were about eight people there. This was my first time, but I was recognized immediately. I connected with the group through Facebook, where I am only known in my femme persona, but I attended the meeting in drab because of the heat and the distance of the walk. Once I explained my situation, no one thought I was weird, which was a relief.

We didn't talk about much, just plans for founding a local secular community center, and some local political stuff. Did you know that Florida's governor, Rick Scott, has the lowest approval rating of any governor in all the fifty states? Yeah, it's down to 29%. I haven't had a lot of time to absorb the local political atmosphere, and I learned quite a bit. After that, we discussed the move to All Saints, plans for next month's movie night (Monty Python's Life of Brian) and plans for a barbeque, which ended up getting folded in with movie night, for an all-day affair. There were refreshments, donuts and a Japanese snack called Daifuku mochi. This is a rice cake stuffed with flavored red bean paste. The one I sampled was flavored with peanut butter. I've had all manner of peanut butter snacks, but this had the strangest texture I've ever experienced. I won't try to gross anyone out by trying to describe that texture, but it triggered a moment of cognitive dissonance. At least, I think that's the proper word.

Afterward, one of the members was generous enough to spot me lunch, and another gave me a ride home, and said he was willing to do so in future. All around this was a really nice bunch of people. It was nice to spend time with my own kind, so to speak.

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

2011-05-28T20:05:00.001-04:00

I can't remember if I've written anything about either the book or the Swedish film, but one movie I'm looking forward to this winter is the American adaptation of Stieg Larsson's The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. I'm not that familiar with the actress cast in the titular role (Rooney Mara), but I like Daniel Craig, and the director, David Fincher, is an old favorite of mine.

I have no idea how long this trailer will be active. No doubt, Sony will notice this is online and squash it like a bug, but here's the link until that time.

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo Red Band Trailer

Notice this is a red band trailer. That means it's only shown before R-rated films and it contains material that may not be safe for work. One of the high points of this trailer, at least for me, is the Karen O/Trent Reznor rendering of Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song".

Edit: As of late 31 May, the red-band trailer has been pulled for copyright infringement, but Sony have finally posted an official "All Audiences" trailer and you can watch it at the link below:

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

It's almost the same trailer, but most of the more provocative imagery has been removed. One thing I noticed that is different is the red-band trailer ends with the words "She's coming". The new one only says "Coming". I guess they didn't want anyone to get the wrong idea.

Some News

2011-05-22T02:15:00.000-04:00

Another month goes by without a post from me. I wish I could say I've been busy, but the truth is I didn't want to post anything here until I had something meaningful to say. I hope today's missive fills the bill.

I went to another job interview yesterday. Yes, I went to a job interview on Saturday. I thought it a little odd, but the unemployed don't complain about interview times. I was happy just to have been called in for one. I feel good about this one. It's another hotel position, this time at a hotel in Quincy, which is about half an hour west of here. They told me I can expect a call next week, Monday or Tuesday.

On the social side of things, I've made some new friends via Facebook. One of them has put me in an awkward spot, though. A couple of weeks ago, Keith Olbermann activated a fan page on FB for his forthcoming show on Current TV. Shortly after that, I got a Friend Request from another fan. I've built friendships out of less substantial connections than shared love of a celebrity, so I accepted the request. My new friend is a gentleman in New York. We've chatted online a couple of times, and the chats are a little disturbing (to me, anyway). He's only seen the handful of photos I have online. He knows I'm transgendered, but I think he's under the impression that I'm full-time. I wish I was, but I'm not at a place in my life where that is yet feasible. In our chats he's been hinting at wanting something romantic. He said something the other night about "spooning while we watch the fireworks" on July 4th. He seems like a nice guy, but I'm not looking for a relationship, not even a long-distance one. I don't want to lead him on, either. I'm not a gold-digger. His attention is flattering, but how can I let him down easy?

Reblogging: An Atheist on Easter

2011-04-24T23:58:00.000-04:00

An Atheist on Easter

Today was Easter. As mentioned before, I'm an atheist, so I always find religious holidays a little awkward to experience. I read the piece noted above early in the morning, and posted a comment on the blog asking permission to post it here. I didn't intend any sort of plagiarism; I just found the piece to be a well-worded expression of my (similar) thoughts on the subject. Not only did the author not respond to my request, he didn't allow the comment to be posted. A politely-worded "No" would have sufficed.

I've posted the link. It's good stuff, and it bears reading if anyone wants a peek inside my head.

This morning the family went to church for Easter service. After they returned, the lot of us went with some friends to Wakulla Springs State Park for one of my nephews' birthday party. In a repeat of last year's trip to the beach, I did not swim, though I did wade in the spring for a bit, and collected tiny shells on the white sand shore. There's a Mediterranean Revival-style lodge and museum adjacent to the water, and I got to look at the preserved remains of "Old Joe", an 11.2-foot alligator that lived in the area until it was shot in 1966. Joe was said to be one hundred years old. I've seen gators in zoos, but none were as large as this thing. I sure wouldn't want to meet one that size out in the wild.

More About the McDonalds Incident

2011-04-23T15:36:00.000-04:00

Little by little, the story of the incident at a Baltimore-area McDonalds is creeping into the mainstream news outlets. I spent about an hour last night digging through news sites before I found a blurb of an AP item, buried in the ABC site.

This morning, I found a story on Fox, but their story emphasized that the victim was "a man". I checked back, and they've amended the story to say "transgendered", but read the comments. The attitude of every commenter whose words I could stomach tells the tale.

Now there's speculation that the authorities may add hate-crime charges. I hope so, and I hope they prosecute to the fullest extent of the law.

I'm hoping one of the friendlier news outlets pick this up, what with the viral spread of the video, but I don't know that I have the clout to forward something myself.

Something Light

2011-04-23T00:09:00.000-04:00

This blog has been all doom and gloom of late. I need to post something to improve the atmo. "Change the scheme, alter the mood, electrify the boys and girls," to quote Michael Sheen's character Castor from Tron: Legacy.

I can't remember if I've ever talked about Cowboy Bebop here. It's an anime series that first ran in 1998. It's about a group of bounty hunters ("cowboys") in 2071, who travel the solar system in the spaceship Bebop. It's equal parts drama and comedy, with bits of tragedy laid in here and there. The animation is a hybrid of the traditional hand-drawn stuff with some CGI. The visuals are incredible, but one of the aspects that hooked me was the music, mostly written by the very-talented Yoko Kanno. All of the songs were performed by a sort of house band called The Seatbelts. Most of the compositions are jazz, but the Seatbelts played rock and other styles with equal skill and artistry. They recorded a great raft of material for the series' 26 episodes (Sessions) and one movie, but they only performed live a handful of times. One of those performances was included on a limited edition DVD, Souvenir of Tokyo. This is one of the lighter numbers. It's called "Bad Dog, No Biscuits" and it originally appeared in Session Two, "Stray Dog Strut".

The kooky lady in the red coat is Ms. Kanno herself. Enjoy!

From Bilerico Project: Transwoman Attacked at Baltimore McDonalds

2011-04-22T23:20:00.000-04:00

Transgender Woman Severely Beaten at Baltimore McDonalds While Employees Watch

Jumping back onto topic for a moment, I'd like to direct everyone's attention to this news item. You may have seen it already. If not, please take a look. The video is disturbing. It was shot by a worker at the McDonalds. Neither he nor any of his coworkers attempted to stop the fight. Then he uploaded the video to WorldStarHipHop Video Tube, which appears to be an urban (read black) version of YouTube., in an effort to get his fifteen minutes.

The victim hasn't been identified, and there seems to be some debate amongst the rabble as to whether she's trans or not, but the perpetrators have been arrested. They may be facing hate crime charges. Every time I hear about legislators refusing to grant public accomodations protection to LGBT people, I think of incidents like these. I wish stuff like this would stop happening.

And All My Dreams, Torn Asunder

2011-04-18T15:52:00.000-04:00

I've mentioned my income tax refund a couple of times in recent posts. It's ironic. Last year I made the least amount of money that I have in ten years or more, yet my refund was going to be the largest I've seen in that same time. I wasn't planning too many extravagances. I was going to give some of it to my sister, to help with her bills. I was going to buy a new camera, and maybe an MP3 player. On the practical side of things, I was thinking about a haircut, and maybe a manicure. The rest I was going to sock away, to support myself during my ongoing unemployment.

This afternoon I got a letter from the Treasury announcing that my entire refund has been "offset". I have a student loan in default, and the Department of Education has laid claim to any "Federal payments" owed to me. They have actually declared their intent to "intercept" any such payments. Jeez, they make it sound like my tax refund is a bomber trying to lay waste to my lack of wealth. That's actually not a bad simile. It's such a shame I don't need their protection. The letter says I can contest the claim, but I can imagine how that will go. Now that Ed know where I live again, I can expect a letter any day now asking when I plan to pay off the rest.

This is what I get for making plans.

Note: A lot of my recent posts have had titles from different things. I might have another "Write for you" contest if anyone can tell me where they all come from.

Under The Pink

2011-04-17T22:48:00.000-04:00

In case anyone's been under a rock for the last week or so, the news has been full of pink lately. A while back J. Crew posted this on their website. Conservative voices in the media went batshit insane. Jon Stewart christened it "Toemageddon", and his response was high-larious.

Over the weekend I read an article on Smithsonian, When Did Girls Start Wearing Pink?. It's most informative. Be sure to check out the attached slideshow (it's listed as "More Photos"). I found it to be very eye-opening.

As for me, there's no pink in my immediate area. If I get a tax refund, I'll see about remedying that. I haven't had a pedicure since December, and maybe bright pink toes would cheer me up. I could certainly use some of that.

The Wrong Shoes

2011-04-07T21:51:00.000-04:00

My epitaph will probably read:

"She was wearing the wrong shoes."

It's the story of my life. Wore sneakers to soccer practice because I didn't know I was supposed to buy cleats. I've worn spike heels to the mall because they matched my outfit. I once had to pull a twelve-hour shift at a hotel in really girly-looking heels because my regular work shoes fell apart while I was getting dressed, and I didn't have any male shoes that could substitute.

There's a branch of the local public library about two miles from where I'm living. It's a decent walk when the weather's nice. I was going to go this morning, but I got busy puttering around the house, and by the afternoon, it had gotten too warm. I wouldn't have pushed for it, but I ran out of anything to read, and I get antsy when I don't have a book near to hand.

After dinner, my sister and her husband announced they were going to WalMart, and I asked if they'd drop me off at the library on the way. They did, and said I could text them when I was ready to go home. It only occurred to me when they left that I was wearing flip-flops. I'd meant to change before we took off, but it slipped my mind.

I have owned sandals that are meant to be walked in. These are not that kind. They're Airwalk, a brand I bought at Payless. They've got simple hard rubber soles (patterned like Converse sneakers) with denim-like cloth thongs. I could have waited for them to finish at the store. It might've meant sitting outside the library for twenty minutes after closing, but I felt like walking. Curse my feelings.

I was halfway home when I decided I'd had enough, so I sent a text asking if I should wait where I was or press on for home. They advised me it would be another twenty minutes or so, so I kept on walking. They caught up to me just as I turned onto our street.

I think I walked these poor shoes into their grave. It's time to buy new shoes. Maybe I'll get some after my tax refund comes.

All For Naught

2011-03-30T23:31:00.000-04:00

All that fussing about my manicure, and I don't think I got the job. I did catch one of my interviewers goggling at my hands a couple of times, but that's not why I didn't get it. I'm good at what I do, and my skills are solid enough that most of my former employers have been willing to accommodate my eccentricities in exchange for my work. It's just that my experience at the last place wrecked my confidence. I've worked for micro-managers before: owners or managers who like to have their fingers in every aspect of the business, and don't trust their underlings to handle any decisions. I didn't think they were like that when I was hired, but that's what they turned out to be in the end.

The second half of the interview consisted of the interviewers asking me about hypothetical situations. I knew what was appropriate for all of the circumstances they asked me about, but I couched my answers in terms of "abiding by the preferences of my managers". I'd say, "I would do X, but of course it would depend on the company's policy" or "I would work within the brand standards".

We talked about potential pay, but I just don't think I got the job.

After the interview, I looked online and I found an at-home method for removing my acrylic nails, but I don't think that would've made any difference.

Stuck In the Middle

2011-03-28T21:35:00.000-04:00

There's no intentional musical reference today, though I forgive anyone for thinking of Stealer's Wheel, and apologize to anyone who gets this song stuck in their head.

I have been out of work since Groundhog Day. I have been banging out resumes for each and every position I've seen on the web or off. Two weeks ago I walked six miles back and forth to hand in applications at the nearest hotels to my current residence. I've even applied in other cities, some two or more hours away, trying to find anything. Today I got an email from the GM who posted an ad for a full-time front desk agent. We have an interview tomorrow morning.

After jumping up and down for a moment, I scampered about assembling a suitable outfit for the event: blue shirt, black slacks, belt, tie and black shoes. My hair's gotten a little long, but not outside the acceptable range for a gentleman in this age. It's just that my nails have gotten a little scary-looking.

I got my last fill-in in February. I was hoping to go back to work any day, but that didn't happen. I wonder now if that last bit of money might have been better spent getting the acrylic removed. My nails still look good, but the tips reach almost a quarter-inch from the ends of my fingers. If I had a Dremel (it what they use in the salon), I could grind them down a bit and then file the ends, but I don't have one.

Then again, the gentleman conducting my interview tomorrow is Indian, so he may not have an issue.

I'll let you all know how it goes.

Writing for My Sanity

2011-03-28T01:19:00.000-04:00

Almost a month ago, I moved back in with my sister and her family. I am ever grateful. They've kept a roof over my head, food in my belly and my computer connected to the web. I can't ask for more than that. I really wish, though, that I was back in my own place. I miss the privacy. I'd also forgotten how stressful living with three other adults, eight children and assorted pets could be.

In the last couple of days, another conflict has erupted between my sister, her husband and his ex-wife, over their children. I feel as though I'm head-down in a bunker, with artillery screaming over my head from every direction, and it's escalating by the day. I started out this post by detailing the whole nasty situation in detail, omitting only the names, but then I decided that would be over-sharing. I wrote a great portion of it out, just to clear my head, then I deleted the post and started over. Writing can be cathartic, I see.

Changes Afoot

2011-03-22T01:02:00.000-04:00

What's New With Blogger
I haven't been keeping up with this thing like I should. It's not as though anything is happening with me right now. I was going to do a post about how there's nothing around where I live, but I decided to wait and see, and now some things have begun to happen.

I logged in a few minutes ago, and I see these links at the top of my Dashboard. There's a smarmy message about the news being for anyone who didn't get to go to SXSW. I haven't been much of anywhere in weeks, much less to some overblown music festival in the middle of the desert. I'm sure it was a blast, and I've seen some nifty video, but I didn't need Blogger to remind me how low I've sunk.

So they're getting ready to change the editing format... AGAIN. Frankly, I've just gotten the hang of using the current model, and now they want to kick the training wheels off again. Bastards. They're getting to be just like Facebook, where the settings for everything change almost weekly.

Once again I've come to let you all know what's going on with me, and I've gone off on yet another tangent. So sorry.

What Fresh Hell Is This?

2011-02-21T22:13:00.000-05:00

Apparently, that how Dorothy Parker answered the telephone. Supposedly it originated when someone interrupted her train of thought, but she ended up using it as a greeting, to answer the phone or the door. I might have to try it.

In any case, it's been a long month. I've been banging out resumes to anyone with an open position, and so far all I've received was one response, a politely-worded "Thanks, but the position has been filled." I'm beginning to wonder if it's time to change professions. I've not worked in any business but hotels since 1998. I've got no degrees, so it's mostly been one long series of working the same job over and over, with little to no hope of advancement. I'd go back to school, but no one will finance my education until I pay off my debts, including a student loan which dates back to 1991.

My sister (ex-in-law, whatever) suggested I shift my job search south, as her husband is doing. She suggested Panama City and Orlando (the vacation capital of America). Both have some nice positions open, but most of the ads I saw are only taking walk-in applicants. I don't have access to a vehicle now (Vicki sold her van), so I can't exactly drive to either place to apply. Since I came to Florida, I've had the feeling that Tallahassee was only a way station, that I'm meant to travel further south. Orlando, or even Miami would put me much closer to a lot of trans-friendly business and support structures, too.

If I don't find another job soon, I'll have to vacate the guest house and move back in with my sister. She ditched the big house in December and moved her brood into a double-wide by the airport. She's getting ready to oust a housemate next month, so I might be able to move into my own room again.

The day I lost my job, I did a little shopping. A trip to the mall yielded a new purse from Burlington Coat Factory, and at Game Stop I found a used copy of Halo 3: ODST. I originally wrote a little about this game back in 2009, but I sidestepped it in my anticipation of Mass Effect 2. I haven't had much else to do in the last few weeks, and the game has eaten up lots of hours.

Deprived of a vehicle, I've been doing a lot of walking. The shopping center with a Publix grocery store and my favorite nail salon is 2.8 miles from my current residence. A Walmart SuperCenter is 3.3 miles away, in the other direction. Daytime temps have reached the seventies, so the walking's been good. Twice people driving by have honked their horns and waved at me, but they were traveling too fast for me to see who they were. I suppose they might have been some people I used to work with at the hotel, but I didn't see them. Today a dude drove by shouting something derogatory. I didn't hear the words, but I'd know that tone anywhere. Again, he whizzed by at 50 mph, and I have no idea what he said or why. I just went about my business.

Oh, Well...

2011-02-02T19:50:00.000-05:00

Remember that "good position with a decent company"? I was summoned into work this afternoon for a "counseling session" wherein I was terminated. Yeah.

Back in December I made a couple of minor mistakes. I was called in for a counseling session, written up and told that the company really wanted to retain my services, so I should focus on improving my work and improving my interaction with guests and coworkers. I've worked hard, and I thought I was doing well. I haven't heard a word of negativity from anyone in the nearly six weeks since my write-up.

I was fired, but the company won't fight if I apply for unemployment. Ironically, the GM, who handled my termination, said that he'd be happy to provide me with a reference. No one who's ever fired me has given me a reference. It's a little thing, but I'll take it.

I'm in the process of updating my resume, and I've got Craigslist open in another tab. I've already seen a couple of positions that might be for me.

One Year Later

2011-02-02T10:31:00.000-05:00

It was exactly a year ago, almost to the minute, when I stepped off the plane and began my life in Tallahassee, Florida. If you'll recall, I didn't exactly enjoy the moving process, and Florida did not seem to be the promised land it was made out to be. None of my plans to sit back and let the world take care of things have ever come to any meaningful fruition, so after a few weeks of wallowing in self pity, I settled down into the business of starting over again.

It's been a slow process. I didn't try to go back to work right away, but once the hunt began in earnest, I found a good position with a decent company. Around the same time the Leon County Commission added sexual preference and gender identity to the classes protected under the local civil rights ordinance. I have yet to take any sort of action on that item, but it's a new year.

A few weeks ago, I received an invite to join a TG support group on Facebook, and it looks like they actually have meetings here in Tallahassee. There's a meeting scheduled for next Tuesday, and I'm going to try to attend. The Wednesday after is my birthday. I don't yet have plans, but I requested the night off so I could have my schedule clear in case something comes up. Worst case, I'll treat myself to a movie or something, but I'd really like to not be alone.

Coincidentally, It's Groundhog Day. A couple of hours ago, it's said, Punxsutawney Phil came out of his burrow and did not see his shadow, supposedly predicting an early end to winter. Most of the US is covered in snow, some of the worst ever seen, but not here in Florida. Down in the south of the state it's 81° F, but daytime temps here top out in the 60s. It's still chilly at night, but that'll end soon.

I Was Wrong

2011-01-22T22:08:00.000-05:00

I wrote last night's piece in anger. I was wrong. Comcast haven't taken control of anything at NBC yet, let alone given anyone there instructions about how to run their networks. Apparently KO's been looking to get out of MSNBC for some time, and they didn't know he was going to leave until he said it on air.

Politics USA: Olbermann Wanted Out

I like the line, "Stop organizing life around the people who don't get the joke."

The World Turned Upside Down

2011-01-22T02:21:00.001-05:00

So I haven't been able to get online from home since late Thursday night, and to add insult to injury, the cable was out most of the night and following day. So I didn't know that Keith Olbermann is out at MSNBC until I came into work last night. MSNBC came in clear for about ten seconds during Countdown, then the screen reverted to black.

I don't really watch much television anymore, and I suppose that frees up five hours to do something else, or discover another program. I read that they're going to shuffle their evening lineup around to fill the gap, starting with moving Lawrence O'Donnell's program into Keith's slot. Can they still call it The Last Word if it appears closer to the middle of the evening? I'll still tune in to watch Rachel Maddow, but she's the only one who's not on during my normal sleeping hours. Don't get me wrong. I like MSNBC's other personalities, but I don't see myself rolling out of bed early to watch Chris Matthews or Cenk Uygur. No offense, guys!

Mom was the one who turned me on to the show. We used to laugh together over the phone during his Worst Person segments. Watching the show the last few years has helped me retain a little sanity by continuing something I started with her. Now that's gone. Thanks, Comcast!

I'm on Totally Jacked Up Aircraft Photos

2011-01-19T22:07:00.000-05:00

I love to take pictures of airplanes. This dovetailed nicely with volunteering at the Carolinas Aviation Museum when I was in Charlotte, because it was often possible to work and shoot photos at the same time. The museum, in its original location was perfectly sited between two of the runways, and I got lots of nifty shots. I also got a lot of duds. Handheld point-and-shoot digital cameras aren't really made for shooting fast-moving objects. In the older models there's a sizable gap between when you press the button and when the camera actually takes the picture. Taking the kind of pictures I like to take was a learning experience, but I got pretty good at it. That said, I still take lousy pictures from time to time.

I don't remember exactly when or how I discovered Totally Jacked Up Aircraft Photos. Suffice to say that it provides a little spot of humor in the midst of all the serious blogs I read. At first, I had no intention of submitting anything to the blog. After all, I aspire to taking good pictures. Why would I want to share my failures?

Errare est humanum.

Never Surrender

Filled In

2011-01-14T16:41:00.000-05:00

In my "Moved" post from December, I wrote that I was going to get my nails done, and was thinking of going acrylic. For whatever reason, I never followed up on that little tidbit.

I got my pedicure in the usual way, but I talked to the nail tech, a nice lady named Kim, and told her how I was feeling. I thought acrylic nails were those plastic-looking things, but what she did was brush on this acrylic powder, and shape the nails that way. Once they were buffed into the proper shape, she gave me the American manicure I wanted. That was three weeks ago.

I am pleased to report that the acrylic held up great. The polish was starting to look a little ragged the last few days, but it looked okay for work. My nails had gotten long in the interim, and if they had been natural, I'd have worried about breaking them.

Today I went in for another pedicure and got my first fill-in. This is where the tech brushes on additional acrylic to fill in the gap between the previously applied stuff and the nail bed, and then buffs it all down to shape. For years I've been coming into salons and seeing the price list for "Full Set" and "Fill-Ins", without comprehension. Now I understand. I can be so dense sometimes.

After the last trip to the salon, I took photos of my nails to show off here, but a few days after my camera died inexplicably, so you'll just have to imagine how they look.

I'm a Bad Girl

2011-01-14T16:25:00.000-05:00

Two Spaces After a Period: Why You Should Never, Ever Do It
It's the way I was taught to type, oh so many years ago. Writing on a computer is typing, is it not? I was trained to end a sentence, after the punctuation mark, with two spaces. Apparently this is improper, and has been for some time. How does one miss out on a point of style like that?

I Did It

2011-01-11T01:49:00.001-05:00

I said I wanted to change the title of the blog, and I did so. Jenny gave me the idea. I wanted to keep something of the old (my name) but I dropped the "Trans" and also the redundant "Blog". I don't know about other countries, but here in the States, "jaywalking" is anytime one crosses the street anywhere but at a designated crosswalk, and in a lot of localities, that's a crime, albeit a minor one. So it's got a subversive edge, something that's been lacking in me lately.

Edit: Since I posted this, I've discovered there is already a blog at http://www.jaye-walking.com/. It seems I'm not half so clever as I thought. Maybe they'll let me slide, seeing as I haven't tried to gank their URL or anything, but the writer of the other blog seems to be a law student, and they might be litigious. Time will tell.

Changing The Title

2011-01-09T01:55:00.002-05:00

"Jaye's Trans Blog" is what I chose to call this a little over two years ago when I kicked it off. It wasn't meant to be anything special, just a place for me to share and occasionally vent. Now it seems kind of ho-hum. Bland.

I'm thinking about changing the name of the blog. I'd like to use something clever (though not necessarily cute) that incorporates "trans". I liked the sound of "intransigent", but the dictionary tells me that means "unwilling to change". That's not me. "Stuck in transit?" "Lost in translation?"

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Changing Tastes

2011-01-04T06:22:00.001-05:00

This isn't really a movie blog, for all that I talk about them off and on. If nothing else, they give me inspiration when my well seems to run dry.

I own a lot of movies on DVD, and for a while I bought them almost compulsively, but I haven't watched a lot of them in a long time. I used to say I didn't have the time, but the truth is that lately I have trouble sitting in front of a screen unless whatever I'm doing/watching is interactive, like a video or computer game. The much-mentioned Mass Effect 2 consumed many such hours last year. I haven't been able to get online at home for the past five days, so I've been trying to fill my downtime with other activities. I read some, Matthew Chapman's Trials of the Monkey, and made myself sit down and watch two movies.

The first of these was Joe Carnahan's The A-Team. I know, I should have known better. I've ranted before about needing brain bleach to scrub the horror that is Smokin' Aces out of my head, but I have a soft spot in my memory for the original material.

The original A-Team hit television when I was ten, and for all my internal turmoil, on the outside, I was very much a boy of that era. I liked action figures, and still played war games in the yard with the neighborhood kids, and liked to see stuff blow up. The characters were veterans of Vietnam, a conflict which still has a large place in American mythology, and I looked up to anyone who had been "over there". I also liked Robin Hood, and the idea of these modern outlaws helping ordinary people in need was appealing.

The film is a sort-of reboot. The story has been brought forward so that the characters are vets of the current Iraq war. The movie opens with Liam Neeson as Hannibal assembling his "A-Team" as civilians (or at least de-mobbed troops), then catapults them into the war to kick off the story with the "crime they didn't commit". Bradley Cooper (Alias), Sharlto Copley (District 9) and Quinton "Rampage" Jackson (he's apparently an MMA fighter) round out the 'Team. Jessica Biel plays the leader of the DOD team chasing them, and doubles as Cooper's love interest. There isn't much story. Being a Carnahan film, there are lots of gun battles, and explosions, and some neat aerial action. Copley gives the standout performance as the crazy pilot, Murdock.

For all that, it was only okay. Is that damning with faint praise? Once upon a time I would have loved the movie, for all of the reasons enumerated above.

Yesterday I sat down and watched Whip It, with Ellen Page and Marcia Gay Harden. I loved it!

I wrote about the movie and posted the trailer back in 2009, before the movie was released. I've been interested in roller derby since it was resurrected a few years ago. It's one of those things I have to worship from afar, as they're never going to let a girl like me into something like that.

Ellen Page is Bliss Cavendar, a 17 year-old girl from sleepy little Bodeen, Texas. Her mom pushes her to enter beauty pageants, but she wants to get out and do her own thing. On a shopping excursion in Austin, she hears that the roller derby league are having try-outs. She lies about her age, and ends up finding her niche skating for the "Hurl Scouts". All of the skaters and teams have punny names: Eva Destruction, Smashley Simpson, etc. Bliss becomes "Babe Ruthless".

I laughed, a lot. I cried a little. All in all, I enjoyed everything about this movie. The acting is great from all the players. This was Drew Barrymore's directorial debut, and if she's this good starting out, I can't wait to see what she comes up with next.

I talked to my sister-in-law about this, because I couldn't figure why the two movies hit me the way they did. She says I'm becoming a girl. Small steps, right?

Holiday Greetings from Jabba the Hutt

2010-12-26T04:00:00.002-05:00

This is actually a couple of weeks old, and it's now the day after Christmas, but I posted the Muppet version of "Carol of the Bells" last year, and I didn't think I should go another year without something holiday-themed, so I present this little gem, courtesy of Paul and Storm:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWqthNlzoEI

On a related note, I met my niece's boyfriend's nephew yesterday. He's a little 7 month-old boy named "Jaxom", who was named for the character from Anne McCaffrey's Dragonriders of Pern series. His mother was so impressed that I knew who she named her son after. I told her I was well-versed in the "classics".

Moved

2010-12-20T19:56:00.002-05:00

Here's my first post from my new place. It's tiny, compared to my last two apartments, but it's still a decent size, with two rooms and a full bath. Kitchen facilities are limited to a microwave and refrigerator, so it looks like I'm back to frozen dinners and ramen noodles. Maybe I'll lose some weight this way.

I'm only a mile or so from where I was living before, so a lot of the local businesses I used to walk to are still at a walkable distance, albeit further away. This is good, as I really need to get back into the nail salon. With all the work of the move, boxing stuff and manhandling furniture, my nails look a fright. I've managed to break a few, so in order to keep them at a length I like, I may go acrylic. I've heard that the polish used in French and American manicures adheres to acrylic better, so that may be the way to go, at least for a time.

I won't give away my new address, but I get a chuckle every time I read the new street name. It's spelled "D-E-E-R-R-U-N-N" There's a Todd Snider song called "Beer Run" about two drunken losers who cut out of a concert to try to get beer, and get taken for a ride. The chorus involves repeating "B-double E-double R-U-N". So now I get "D-double E-double R-U-double N". ;-)

I guess you have to be here.

Senate Votes to End "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"

2010-12-18T17:34:00.002-05:00

I expressed some cynicism on the subject earlier this afternoon, but it seems the Senate have voted in favor of ending the military's policy of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell", the which has been used to drum more than 13,000 sailors, soldiers, airmen and marines from the services. This follows a similar vote on the same legislation in the House of Representatives. Now if our representatives will push for the same sort of voting on ENDA, everything will be peachy. Or not.

Now On Networked Blogs

2010-12-18T07:54:00.001-05:00

In case the big box on the right side of the page wasn't a dead giveaway, I have added my blog to the NetworkedBlogs app on Facebook. Maybe I'll get a little more exposure, pick up a few more readers. Time will tell.

That Wasn't So Hard

2010-12-16T12:34:00.003-05:00

My last post was a lot of "Pity poor me". I'm not very good at it. I guess it was a way of psyching myself up to do what I wanted. After ten long months in drab, I'm back in my favorite form of dress. Truthfully it's not too different from the things I wear all the time. I'm wearing a sweater with a pair of jeans. Underneath I'm wearing a bra with my forms. Up top I've got a wig and full makeup on, and I've swapped out my studs for a pair of cute hoops. I snapped some photos, and the best looking of the bunch is now my profile pic.

I thought about taking a walk down to the corner store, but I looked at myself in the mirror, and I think I'll pass. I've put on a few pounds since the last time I ventured out, and I'm not sure I want to face the public in daylight in all my "glory". I tried revising my outfit, but it's a bit warmer than it was when I started today, and I don't have much that would camouflage my middle and still leave me comfortable in the outdoors. Note to self: invest in a decent waist cincher, and investigate weight loss. Either that or I start buying fat clothes. No muumuus or caftans for me, though.

Now that I think about it, I like the old profile pic better. I was a little thinner, and more at peace with myself and the world. I would change it back, but this is more honest. It's who I am at the moment, and I've got to make peace with that.

Afraid to Look at Myself

2010-12-16T02:30:00.003-05:00

I've taken up a lot of space on this blog this year writing about not dressing up, and my ongoing struggle to cope. I'd like to think of myself as a low-maintenance woman, but the reality is that getting dressed up is a big deal. I've got to shave, not just my face but any expanse of flesh that might be exposed to the world. Then comes makeup. I don't quite have to trowel it on, but covering my beard is a chore and a half. If and when I ever get rid of it for good, I'll wear the lightest possible foundation. Until that day, I'm stuck on Dermablend and Max Factor PanStick.

For the last couple of weeks I've been meaning to get dressed up for a bit. I haven't been planning to go anywhere. I just want to wear makeup, because I haven't in so long. Not only that; I'd like to update my profile pics, both here and over on Facebook. A couple of weekends ago I took part in that awareness of child abuse thing, and replaced my FB profile pic (taken two years ago) with a thumbnail shot of Calvin and Hobbes. I meant to replace it the following week with a new photo of me, but I just couldn't motivate myself to gussy myself up. I've planned to do it three or four times since - during my mornings after work, when I'm still relatively clean-shaven, or on my nights off, but the energy just hasn't been there.

Back when I still thought of myself as a crossdresser, I didn't worry too much about why, but I thought a lot about what to tell people about myself when their questions arose. And arise they did. It took me a while to compose an answer that made sense both to myself and others. "life is hard," I said. All around us are people who can't cope, so they drink, or use drugs, or engage in all sorts of self-destructive behavior. They hurt themselves, and sometimes others. If putting on makeup and women's clothing is the worst I have to do to be able to look at myself in a mirror, then is that so bad? I didn't think so. I still don't think so, but I've become afraid.

I've had the house pretty much to myself since last week. I'm waiting for the go-ahead to move into my new place, but I haven't been able to get in touch with the owners. You'd think I'd feel free in a place by myself, but I find myself falling into myself. I got used to communal living, with friends and family close at hand, and now I have long, solitary hours with no companionship save a mismatched pair of cats. Cats are cuddly, but they're poor conversationalists.

When I finally work up the nerve, who will I see in that mirror?

All I Want, And Some Random Notes

2010-12-14T03:29:00.007-05:00

Here's another post about music. Faced with a month of having to listen to holiday-themed music, I decided to knuckle down and try to enjoy some of it. Surprise! I actually like some of this stuff, and have downloaded it. The aforementioned "Greensleeved" was the first candidate. Then came some of the Vince Guaraldi Charlie Brown stuff. My job isn't set up to play classical music, so I never hear any of the Mannheim Steamroller or Trans-Siberian Orchestra material, but I decided to get some of them too. Heck, hearing them on the job reintroduced me to The Smithereens, who were a favorite in high school that I lost touch with. I'd have never figured them for recording a Christmas album, but they did. I got their "Christmas Time All Over the World", but also "House We Used to Live In" (apt with the move) and "A Girl Like You".

Imogen Heap has NOT recorded any Christmas music, at least not directly. Her "Just For Now" is remarkably apropos, though:

It's that time of year
Leave all our hopelessnesses aside
If just for a little while
tears stop right here
I know we've all had a bumpy ride.
I'm secretly on your side.

There's a neat live version here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25VGdNU3nrU

(I'd embed, but the business center computer at work is a little basic, running an older version of Firefox, so I don't have access to all the current tools. *SIGH*)

I'm still not installed in the new place, mostly due to lack of access to a vehicle during the day. I've got to move soon, though. The power's going to be turned off soon in the current place, and I'd hate to be stuck here while the night time temps are in the low 20s (not unusual for the season, except this is Florida).

Over the weekend Bioware released a teaser for Mass Effect 3, with delivery slated for next Xmas. I thought ME2 was dark, but the spot makes the next installment seem especially grim. I still very much want to play it.

Sara, if you're out there still, I'd very much like to chat with you. Blogger still says your profile is private, which means I can't see your email address. Mine isn't, so please feel free to drop me a line. PLEASE?!? It's lonely out here, and knowing there's someone else close by but out of reach is maddening, and I don't need any help in that area, if you know what I mean. I could really use a friend right now.

Missed Opportunity

2010-12-11T16:50:00.001-05:00

Back in October I goofed around by posting my 10/10/10 thing, and I could have done something similar today, with it being 12/11/10, and I could've posted it at 0908. Sadly, this didn't occur to me until some hours later. Ah well...

All I Want for Christmas Is... Silence!

2010-12-08T14:11:00.003-05:00

I have blogged before, and often, about the musical selections played at my job. I love some of it, hate some more and generally am indifferent to the rest of it. That all changed last Monday. I came back from being off the Sunday after Thanksgiving to find that they'd changed the channel, so to speak. Now it's Christmas music, 24/7.

I'll not waste anyone's time rehashing my dislike for religion, as that's mostly been spared. The music mix is not too different from the usual, in that it's holiday-themed music performed by a lot of the same artists who are included in the day-to-day set. It's all Christmas music, but they've somehow avoided using any of the religious carols. So, no "O Holy Night", or "Silent Night". Nothing about angels or mangers or any of that stuff. As near as I can tell, they only play the secular songs.

That means they're playing "Jingle Bells" and "Here Comes Santa Claus" and "Blue Christmas". By limiting the pool to secular songs, that reduces the available selection, so I get to hear multiple renditions of the same songs over and over again. I've heard four or five or more versions of "Blue Christmas" (but not Elvis') and "Sleigh Ride" and "Winter Wonderland". The lone religious tune I've picked out from the rest is "Carol of the Bells", which gets a pass in my book because it's an old Ukrainian tune that predates Christianity.

It's driving me insane, one song at a time. It's not all bad. They play Band Aid's "Do They Know It's Christmas?" They even play "Welcome Christmas" (that's the "Dahoo doraze" song) from How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I've heard songs by Sheryl Crow, KT Tunstall and the Dandy Warhols. Did you know that Jethro Tull recorded a Christmas album? Me neither, but their "Greensleeved" is pretty cool. Ditto for Goldfrapp's "Winter Wonderland".

They also play any song that so much as mentions the word "Christmas", whether it's really a holiday song or not. I've heard several covers of "Last Christmas" (the Wham! song). I've never thought of The Pretenders' "2000 Miles" as a holiday song, but it's in the mix. I was trying to figure out why they played Sade's "The Sweetest Taboo" until I heard the line "Every day is Christmas and every night is New Year's Eve". They've also played a few head-scratchers. I do not know what bizarre calculus inspired them to include Sting's "Love Is the Seventh Wave", but it is welcome when I hear it, a respite from the holiday monotony.

The actual holiday isn't too far off, but those nights until they turn the music back are going to be arduous.

On the Move Again

2010-11-30T16:05:00.002-05:00

Sometime soon, this weekend or the first of next week, I'll have my own place again. Vicki (my sister-in-law) has been helping me look for a place, with an eye towards getting my upstairs bedroom back. A couple at her church have a guest house they want to rent out as an apartment. They want $400/month, utilities included. I remember asking, "When can I move in?"

Moving won't be too hard. Most of my junk is still in the boxes from the previous move. In addition to the boxes, I've only got a bed, a TV and some small pieces, nightstands and end tables, mostly. This apartment is already partially furnished, so that's no problem.

I did get some static when I met my new landlords. It was still hot in October when I first went to see them, and I ran over there wearing shorts and flip flops. My blue-painted toes were very much in evidence, and the husband kept goggling at them. He doesn't know the half, but I've been assured that there won't be any problems.

Going to the Mall

2010-11-23T04:47:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I found out that Victoria's Secret are having a sale this week. Among the featured items, selected styles of panties are 5 for $25. It's not a bad deal, for Vicky's. I found out about this because my sixteen year-old niece told me. She told me because she wanted someone to take her, and it looks like I might be the one to have earned the honor of escorting her. Once the trip was agreed upon, I asked if anyone (specifically her parents) objected to her being taken out by her aunt Jaye. There were no objections, so it looks like I'm going shopping tonight. I might even buy myself a little something. I've been a good girl lately. Mostly.

Transgender Day of Remembrance 2010

2010-11-20T14:57:00.002-05:00

http://www.transgenderdor.org/?page_id=1194

The above link is a listing of all of the known trans murder victims since last year's TDOR. Note that the first listed death was on TDOR. It never ends, does it?

That's all I've got right now.

Technical Difficulties III

2010-11-08T21:53:00.003-05:00

I haven't really attended to this blog for a couple of days, which also means I haven't been reading others' blogs as well. Imagine my surprise when I logged in a few minutes ago and discovered that I'm not following ANY blogs. None. Where have they all gone? Apparently I'm not the only one this has happened to, but Google don't seem to know anything about it. "AGGGHHH!" as Charlie Brown has said many times.

The sad part of it is, I don't remember all of the URLs for all these blogs. Some of them are fairly distinctive, or otherwise memorable. Reassembling my list will take some time.

While I was typing this, I heard a most blood-curdling scream from outside. It was short and shrill, but repeated itself, over and over. Youtube tells me it is the sound of a fox crying. City girls like me don't know anything about these wild creatures. Close your eyes and listen to this and tell me it doesn't scare you shitless.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zk1mAd77Hr4

EDIT: Now my Reading List is back, as though it never left. Stupid shit indeed.

Still Nothing to See Here

2010-10-23T17:03:00.003-04:00

Did anyone notice I went another thirteen days without posting? I didn't mean for it to be like that, but my internet access has been somewhat curtailed of late. Longtime readers know that I've done a lot of my blogging at work. Last week, one of the front desk machines contracted a nasty trojan, something that embedded itself in the registry and prevented the computer from connecting to it's net-based security software. Corporate had to send us a restore disk and scrub the machine back to factory-spec. A couple of days later, my supervisor comes to me with, "We're not accusing you of anything, but the GM is convinced that whatever we got was downloaded while you were working." It happened while I was off, but somehow it's my fault? Anyway, as fallout from that, all front desk agents had to sign an agreement stating that they'd only use hotel internet access for guest-related activities. I will abide. As such, it's been a long couple of weeks.

I haven't done much since then except download music. Lots of music. I've added a few new artists to the mix, as well as favorites from assorted classics. As stated before, the joy of downloading music is that I no longer have to go broke buying entire albums. If I only like one song, I can pay for that one, and be done with it. Plus, if one knows where to look, there's tons of free stuff out there.

My latest acquisitions include:

AC/DC
Agent Ribbons (free)
Air
Al Di Meola
Alice in Chains
Anna Nalick
Band of Horses (free)
Beach House (free)
Bell X1 (free)
Black Label Society (free)
Blue Man Group feat. Dave Matthews
Boom Boom Satellites
Breaking Benjamin
Bush
Cassie
Chevelle
Civil Twilight
Creed
Crossfade
Cylab
Daft Punk
Deee-lite
DJ Earworm
Ellie Lawson
Feist
Fergie
Foo Fighters
Gnarls Barkley
Godsmack
Gotan Project
Guns N' Roses
Heather Alexander
High and Mighty Color
Jem
Jerry Goldsmith
La Roux
Lia Ices (free)
Lifehouse
Live
Living Colour
Magic Wands (free)
Marcy Playground
Mathew Leutwyler (free)
N2o (free)
The New Mastersounds (free)
Nikka Costa
Nirvana
Papa Roach (free)
Paul Oakenfold
Phil Collins
Philip Glass (free)
Pink
Puddle of Mudd
Regina Spektor
Revis
Rihanna
Robyn
The Roots (free)
Run DMC
Scala & Kolacny Brothers
Seether
Shinedown
Silversun Pickups
Sleigh Bells
Stone Temple Pilots
Sufjan Stevens (free)
Suzanne Vega (free)
Three Days Grace
Tim Minchin
The Ting Tings (free)
Tool
Tosca
Trapt (free)
Tricky (free)
The Who
Yael Naim

That's only the new artists. I've also added to my collections of several artists already existing in my library.

There's not a lot of rhyme or reason to my downloads, either. A lot of the free stuff was downloaded over the course of a couple of days. Amazon has thousands of tracks listed for free; it's just a matter of picking through for the real treasures. Some of the other free tracks came about because I Googled "free mp3" and found links various artists' pages, record company sites and assorted clearing houses. I was on a grunge kick for a couple of days, hence the Alice in Chains, Nirvana and STP. Then I found myself hankering for electronica, and I found myself downloading Moby and Paul Oakenfold.

10

2010-10-10T10:10:00.001-04:00

Here's another geeky idea. Today is the tenth of October, in the year 2010. I'm setting this to post at 1010, EDT, so it'll appear at 1010, on 10-10-10.

An Unexpected Development

2010-10-10T01:14:00.004-04:00

Once again, I've left this blog untended for more than a week. I've been reading and commenting on other people's blogs, but I've had trouble motivating myself to write about anything, mostly because I feel like crap.

I haven't been out of doors en femme yet. The day of the Phantogram show I slept until late into the evening. I had second thoughts, and thirds, and ended up not going at all. I did make it to the midnight showing of Let Me In. This was a good movie. As much as the original, it was not your typical vampire story, though it had a lot of the traditional elements. Chloe Moretz' performance as Abby was somehow more androgynous than Eli in the original, though the producers eschewed the shot from the original which made her ambiguity more obvious.

I did get out this week for a manicure and pedicure. Got my fingernails done in OPI's No Bees Please, which is another one of those sheer almost colors. I spent the last month with my toes bright pink, per my nieces' request, so I bounced back and got them redone in another OPI standby, I'm Not Really a Waitress, which is a dark, glossy red.

Anyway, by way of explanation, I've gotten away from the original aim of this post. I was checking myself out in the shower before work tonight, and I noticed something. My nipples and areolae are slightly bigger than I remember. How big, I can't say. I haven't been measuring them, though maybe I ought to. They're not gigantic or anything, but they don't look as manly as they used to. Don't get me wrong; I'd love to have beautiful feminine nipples (and breasts to go with them). It's just that I haven't done anything to make them this way! My friend Katherine wrote in her blog that such development is an effect of female hormones, but I'm not taking any. I swear!

I should be cool with this, but one doesn't magically grow breast tissue. Now I wonder if I should see a doctor. Help!

Big Plans

2010-09-30T04:05:00.002-04:00

I've talked for a couple of weeks now about venturing out to a late night movie, but I haven't been yet. I think I mentioned a couple of days ago that I was thinking of seeing a concert. A little band called Phantogram are playing at Club Downunder tonight. Club Downunder is an 18+ venue inside the Oglesby Union at FSU. That probably means I'll be on the upper end of the age curve at this show, but it's not the first time. Tickets for non-students are only $8.00, which is a steal.

If the show wraps up early enough, or I decide to bail, there's a 0015 show of Let Me In, the American remake of the Swedish vampire film I reviewed last spring. The trailers imply that this film will be faithful to the original, for all that the story's been relocated to the American Southwest. However it is, I'll be sure to let you know.

King of Pain

2010-09-30T03:43:00.002-04:00

So I'm at work, and The Police's King of Pain comes on over the lobby music machine. Synchronicity is one of my all-time favorite albums, one of those rare discs I mentioned in the previous post where I love the whole thing. I first owned it on cassette, and I'm onto my second CD version. Anyway, I've been singing King of Pain since 1983, and I know it by heart. As I go into the elevator, I'm singing along softly, "There's a little black spot on the sun today..."

I continued singing as I got off on the third floor and bought a Coke Zero out of the machine there. I kept on as I went down the stairs to Two, where I stopped and got a little bag of Baked Lays out of the snack machine. Then I continued down the stairs to the lobby, and came out singing, "There's a blind man looking for a shadow of doubt" in perfect time with the music coming out of the ceiling.

Yeah, I'm a nerd. :)

Another Nothing Post

2010-09-28T15:37:00.005-04:00

I'm hoping to go to the movies later tonight, and I'm even planning to see a concert Thursday night, but in the meantime I'm going to drop this in as filler. A couple of the message boards I hang out on have threads wherein posters are asked to list the contents of their MP3 players. I only just started to really download music this summer, and in yet another sign of how behind I am, I still don't have an actual media player device. That said, I've got a ton of stuff on my hard drive. I'm going to give y'all a peek inside.

This is just going to be a listing of artists/band names. If I listed album and song titles, the list would seem to go on forever.

I like to think of my music tastes as eclectic. You all might just think I'm weird.

Acrassicauda
Aerosmith
Alana Davis
Alanis Morissette
Alicia Keys
Amy Winehouse
Andy Caldwell
Anthony Hamilton
Arcade Fire
Arkestra One
Artie Traum
Astrud Gilberto
Bebel Gilberto
Belleruche
The Black Crowes
The Black Keys
Black Sheep
Blind Faith
The Bloodhound Gang
Blue Six
Bob Seger & the Silver Bullet Band
Boozoo Bajou
Broken Bells
Brother Cane
Butthole Surfers
Cake
Cathy Dennis
Chaser (remix of a Blue Six track)
The Chemical Brothers
Chris Cornell
Cirrus
Clannad
CocoRosie
Collective Soul
Corinne Bailey Rae
Coverdale/Page
Cowboy Mouth
The Cranberries
Dave Matthews
Def Leppard
Deftones
Deodato
Depeche Mode
Dishwalla
DJ Shadow
Dropkick Murphys
Duran Duran
EA Games Soundtrack (assorted songs from Mass Effect 2)
Eddie Vedder
Elbow
Electric Light Orchestra
Emiliana Torrini
Enya
Erin McCarley
Evanescence
Fatboy Slim
Federico Aubele
Fila Brazillia
Fiona Apple
Florence + the Machine
Frou Frou
Fuel
Fujiya & Miyagi
Galactic
Gary Jules
Goldfrapp
Goo Goo Dolls
Halestorm
House of Pain
Howard Jones
Ilaria Graziano
Imogen Heap
Iron & Wine
Jane Child
Jane's Addiction
Janet Jackson
Jeff Beck
John Williams (music from Star Wars)
Kate Havnevik
Kim Richey
Kinky
Koop
Korn
Lacuna Coil
Lady Gaga
Lauryn Hill
Led Zeppelin
Lenka
Lindsey Ray
Lindstrom & Christabelle
Lizz Wright
Loreta
Lusine
Maaya Sakamoto
Madonna
Mark Ronson
Maroon 5
Massive Attack
Maya Azucena
Men At Work
MeTalkPretty
Methods of Mayhem
Michael Bruce (remix of a song by Blitzen Trapper)
Ministry
Mo' Horizons
Moby
Mocean Worker
Mstislav Rostropovich
Muse
My Chemical Romance
Nickodemus
Nicola Conte
Nina Simone
Nine Inch Nails
Ocote Soul Sounds/Adrian Quesada
Origa with Heartsdales
Paul Hardcastle
A Perfect Circle
Phantogram
Portishead
The Prime Movers
Pumali Panthers
Radiohead
Rage Against the Machine
The Raveonettes
Rick Springfield
Rob Zombie
Robert Plant/Alison Krauss
Rodrigo y Gabriela
Sarah McLachlan
Scissor Sisters
The Seatbelts
Sencit
Sia
Siouxsie and the Banshees
Sixx A.M.
Skindred
Soundgarden
Stabbing Westward
Staind
Sublime
Switchfoot
Thomas Dolby
Three Mile Pilot
Tonic
Tori Amos
Train
Two Steps from Hell
U2
United Future Organization
Ursula 1000
Van Canto
Vanessa-Mae
Various (mostly Amazon sampler albums)
Various Artists (soundtracks and compilations)
Xzibit
Yeasayer
Yello
Zero 7

Now, I didn't download all of that. I've been ripping individual tracks off of various albums, trying to render my massive CD collection down into something more manageable. That process accounts for close to forty of the albums in my digital collection. I have some albums that I love in their entirety, but I also have quite a few that I bought in pre-download days just to get one song, hoping that I'd like the whole disc. That love didn't always manifest.

Scary Monsters

2010-09-25T17:09:00.003-04:00

The photo to the left is one I ganked off of yesterday's Go Fug Yourself. The three people in it are, left to right: Madonna's daughter Lourdes, Taylor Momsen (who is apparently an actress or something) and Madonna.

The first thing that grabbed me was Momsen's eye makeup. Holy hell! That girl's wearing more eyeliner than I have in my whole life. Then I got a look at Lourdes's outfit.

Let's see, she's wearing a leather jacket (with the sleeves pulled up) over an unbuttoned flannel shirt, over a tunic, with ripped(!) tights and either heavy socks or leg warmers(?!) tucked into ugly boots.

Madonna, on the other hand, looks almost normal. The platforms on her shoes almost look like hooves.

There's enough Nightmare Fuel in this photo to last for weeks.

Taylor Momsen's boots are pretty cool, though.

I really need to get some shopping in.

Putting the Band Back Together

2010-09-21T05:45:00.003-04:00

Check out the link in the title! There's a new song/video from Soundgarden. They have a double album coming out later this week. I used to marvel at the way the "old folks" acted when they heard the Beatles (or some other act) were reuniting. Now I understand. I heard the song on the radio last night riding into work, and it's like the band never broke up. I do not "Squee!", but if I did, this is something that would evoke it.

Now if only Robert Plant would come down off the horse and get back with the lads from Led Zeppelin...

Witchcraft

2010-09-21T00:05:00.004-04:00

There's a Tea Party rep running for Congress in Delaware. Her name is Christine O'Donnell. Since her nomination last week, she's been dodging appearances on various television programs. This isn't really a new thing; all of the Tea Party candidates have done this. If they don't appear on shows hosted by people who don't share their views, then they don't have to answer hard questions about their positions, some of which are admittedly odd.

One of the hosts whose show she's declined to appear on is Bill Maher, the host of HBO's Real Time. I didn't know this, but Ms. O'Donnell was a frequent guest on Bill's old program, Politically Incorrect. Bill had promised to show clips from her old appearances every week until she consents to appear on his program. Last Friday, he showed a clip where she claimed to have "dabbled into witchcraft".

I know a little something about dabbling IN witchcraft. I dabbled IN Wicca. I stood in circles on the Sabbat. I stood for the God in certain rites. In March of 1993, I went to Virginia Beach with some friends. We cast a circle on the shore under the full moon when it was in perigee (that's when it's as close to the Earth as it ever gets). That was an awesome experience, with the beach awash in all sorts of energies. In the end, it wasn't for me, anymore than any faith is.

Dabbling INTO witchcraft sounds like she peed in it or something. I also dislike the association she made between witchcraft and Satanism. Wicca is a legitimate religion, recognized by the government and everything. In 2007, the organization in charge of marking soldiers' graves allowed the Pentacle to be placed on the headstones of the fallen, along with the symbols of other soldiers' faiths. Satanism, on the other hand, is just a bunch of silly anti-God claptrap. I can do anti-God without any silly rituals or pretense at evil deeds. I used to know some Satanists, and they were just people who liked to drink and drug and screw around and pretend they needed some higher (or lower) power's blessing to do it. I think the Wiccans have it right: "An' it harm none, do as thou wilt."

All that said, Christine O'Donnell is NOT one of my people. She's human, and American, but that's all we have in common.

Oh, in case anyone was wondering, I haven't made it to the movies yet. Thursday night I felt like crap, and stayed home in bed. Ditto for Sunday. I will get out sometime this week, if it kills me.

EDIT: Rereading this post, I realized I misused a word. I wrote "perihelion" when I meant "perigee". Perigee is when an orbiting body gets as close to the object it orbits. "Perihelion" is when an object gets as close to the sun as it ever gets. No one is paying attention. LLLLL would have caught that one in a heartbeat.

Going to the Movies

2010-09-16T04:33:00.003-04:00

Thursday has become one of my regular nights off. Coincidentally, the local AMC theater has started offering midnight shows on Thursday of whatever films are set to premiere on Friday. This week there are four films to choose from:

Alpha and Omega - In spite of the title, not a religious film. Instead, this is an animated production about wolves. Why are they having a midnight show of a kiddie movie on a school night? Needless to say, I won't be checking this one out.

Devil - This is supposedly a comic book-style movie. A handful of people are trapped in an elevator, and one of them is... the Devil. This picture was written and produced by M. Night Shyamalan, but he let someone else direct it, a John Erick Dowdle, whose previous credits include Quarantine, which was a remake of the Spanish film REC. I might go for this one, but the Night association is more than a little off-putting.

Easy A - This is a teen flick starring Emma Stone and Amanda Bynes (22 and 24, respectively, an egregious case of Dawson Casting). The tagline for this film is "Let's not and say we did." I think I won't.

The Town - A crime thriller written, directed by and starring Ben Affleck. Affleck plays the ringleader of a crew of bank robbers, who wants to go straight after pulling one more big heist. This was adapted from Chuck Hogan's novel Prince of Thieves. I can't imagine why they wouldn't want to use that title... Oh, wait, there was a Robin Hood movie made with that title twenty years ago, starring... Kevin Costner. Never mind, disassociating one's work from that reference is all the explanation this troper needs.

Out of last weekend's crop, there's an IMAX showing of the latest Resident Evil flick at 2345. I like Milla Jovovich, but how many times can I watch her kill zombie monsters?

The animated film is a no-go. Easy A is a stereotypical "chick" movie, but I have low tolerance for contemporary teen comedies. That leaves Devil and The Town. I could set aside my feelings for Mr. Shyamalan and go for the scare, but I like Ben Affleck, both as an actor (Reindeer Games, for one) and director (Gone, Baby Gone), and I enjoyed the book. I'll probably go see The Town, but I'm open to suggestions.

I may have forgotten to mention that I'm going out en femme. I won't be dressed wild or anything, just a top with jeans and heels. I've watched how other women dress to go to the movies all summer, so I won't be too out of place, I think.

Was It Something I Said?

2010-09-14T04:12:00.002-04:00

Sometime during the last week I lost a follower. I don't know who it was. Most of my admittedly small coterie never comment on anything I write here, so I don't know most of them. I guess I haven't done enough to get to know my audience.

My last few posts have, admittedly, had little or nothing to do with being trans. I apologize if my writing doesn't interest anyone, but there's a lot going on, and my transition isn't, so please, bear with me.

On a more positive note, I broke down and treated myself to a little shopping. During a break at work last night, I popped online and bought this:

http://www.alittletouchofmagick.com/product_info.php?products_id=3413

I've been looking at their posts on Facebook the last couple of months, and I like their stuff. This item appeared on Friday, and I got myself through the weekend by thinking about how I could snap it up after I was paid again. Maybe I'll get to wear it out sometime.

9/12

2010-09-12T02:56:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was September 11, the ninth anniversary of the terrorist attacks on New York and Washington, DC*. I don't have anything meaningful to say about that event that hasn't been said by others, and probably with more eloquence and forethought, but I did like this blogger's take on the event:

http://laughinginpurgatory.blogspot.com/2010/09/atheism-and-911.html

* Yes, I know a fourth plane came down in Shanksville, PA. That was United 93, and it wasn't intended to come down in the middle of Pennsylvania farm country. The people who stopped that plane from reaching its target are some of the bravest that have ever lived, in my estimation. Damn it, I went and said something anyway.

Wealth

2010-09-12T02:18:00.002-04:00

I don't think of myself as being poor, at least not in the usual sense. I've settled into being on the lower edge of the so-called middle class, and that's okay. I sometimes wonder though, what it might be like to spend money with impugnity, to throw it around without having to worry if I'm spending part of the rent, or risking having a utility turned off or something important like that.

A guest in the hotel last night ran up a $280 tab in the restaurant, dinner and drinks for fourteen people, and charged it to his room. The bartender had me check is credit card to make sure he was good for it. He was. Two weeks ago I splurged on pizza for the family (all thirteen of us) for my niece's birthday. That was a mere $40, and it hurt. It was a pleasant hurt, because I was doing for people I love, but still. I can imagine spending money like my guests, but only because I've got a pretty wild imagination.

Someday, maybe.

Another Blog

2010-09-02T02:47:00.002-04:00

One of the bloggers I read intersperses her real-life blogs with entries concerning an ongoing campaign of her favorite video game, written as though she were the character she plays, visiting those places, interacting with those people, and sometimes killing them.

I used to fancy myself a fiction writer, but I stopped exercising that particular talent, and it withered on the vine. I started this blog and the others before it to brush up on my writing skills, to get back into the practice of word-slinging. Now I'm feeling the urge to try out something creative, but I'm taking baby steps by playing in somebody else's sandbox.

In a couple of days I'm going to kick off a new Mass Effect 2 campaign, and I'm going to start writing log entries as though I were that version of Commander Shepard. I'm also going to illustrate this thing, with a combination of promotional images authorized for such use by EA and Bioware and some screenshots I'll take from the game in-progress.

This is not without a certain amount of relative danger. The Mass Effect universe and everything in it are still very much the property of EA and Bioware. I don't think this vanity project of mine will do anyone any harm, but corporations can be a mite persnickety with regard to fair use of their intellectual property. They could slap me with a Cease and Desist order, and that would be the end of that. We'll just have to see.

I'm not ending this blog by any stretch of the imagination, but I hate to clutter this place up with wildly off-topic material. I don't want someone who's been away from here for a while to come back and read about my adventures in the Terminus Systems and come away thinking I'm spacier than ever.

I'll put up a link when this thing is ready to kick off. I'm still trying to find an appropriate blog title, using a phrase from the game. Oddly enough, a lot of them are already taken. That's what I get for jumping on the bandwagon seven months late.

Jeggings?

2010-08-26T00:41:00.003-04:00

I haven't really been out shopping for clothes since October, but I still try to keep an eye out for what's in fashion, for the time when I can get out again. This morning my inbox was full of sales fliers for various shops, and they were all hawking the latest wonder, a garment called "jeggings". Depending on which description one prefers, these are either leggings that are fashioned to resemble jeans, or jeans which have been made out of lycra-blend material like leggings. I like leggings, and I love jeans (the tighter the better!), but I wonder if these new things aren't like a rock star get-up from the Eighties. All of the layouts I've seen them in pair them with tunics or long coats and high heels, both of which I already like, and the combination emphasizes my legs, which are still one of my best features.

Via my email, I see these are available at Dots (not around here) and Torrid (not here either), but also available through Newport News. I came downstairs just before leaving for work, and my niece was wearing a pair. She raved about them, and said I should go for it, but she's sixteen, and what's cool for kids like her may not fly on a thirtysomething like me.

Another thing that bugs me is the name. I'm not unused to contractions and combined words, but the rough compression of the "j" sound up against those hard "g's" sticks in my mouth. It does not roll trippingly off the tongue. That's just a minor nitpick, though.

Dare I to try them?

Changes Afoot

2010-08-22T02:02:00.000-04:00

Why, yes, I have been listening to a lot of U2 lately. I guess it's good I didn't decide to quote from "Running to Stand Still" or any of their equally glum material.

EDIT: It occurs to me that I posted this under the assumption that anyone clicking over here would automatically notice that I changed the box in the upper right from "About Me" to "About this blog" and changed the wording. A lot. With nary an explanation.

Dog Days Again (Because I Can)

2010-08-15T14:54:00.002-04:00

I probably should have included the video in that previous post for lazy folk, but I was at work when I originally wrote it, and I'm still testing the limits of their internet permissions. Anyway, here's Florence in all her glory:

Hooray for Spam Filtering!

2010-08-15T01:26:00.002-04:00

Has anyone else noticed the changes Blogger have made to Comments? Just recently they've added a filter of some sort that dumps any comment that might be junk into a Spam folder. I wasn't praying, but it seems someone was listening anyway.

Dog Days

2010-08-14T21:22:00.001-04:00

This is my obligatory post to let everyone know I'm still kicking. I try to only write when I have something to say, but after some of the last posts, I feel compelled to keep people abreast of my ongoing struggle. The urges to play in traffic or test the sharpness of various objects is much-diminished, but I hesitate to say that I'm happy just yet.

It's funny. A couple of weeks ago, I discovered a new song (new to me, anyway). The song is called "Dog Days Are Over", and it's by a little British art rock outfit called Florence and the Machine. I first heard it in promos for the USA series "Covert Affairs", and it's since popped up in the trailers for "Eat, Pray, Love". I first heard a snippet in a promo, then I watched the video on YouTube, and a few minutes later downloaded the song from Amazon. It's catchy, and the video is energetically exuberant, with wild costumes and eye-popping colors (as far as those costumes go, I think Florence could give Lady Gaga a run for her money). I wish I knew a way to carry that happiness around with me, without listening to the song all the time.

It's now been six months and a couple of weeks since the last time I went out of doors en femme. That's the longest I've been since I came out again in 2005. I don't define myself as a crossdresser, so I it's not like I need to dress up like a woman all the time, but not presenting myself in public the way I prefer is wearing on me I know, I know; technically I'm crossdressing all the time, not owning more than a stitch or two of male clothing, but not wearing makeup, or hair, or some of my pretty tops and shoes is killing me. I need to find a place and time to get out as myself, or as my perception of myself, and I'd rather it not be the dance bar full of college students that Ms. Self-Medicating told me about. I've checked out their photos on Facebook, and that is SO not my scene.

Talkin' Bout a Revolution

2010-07-27T11:13:00.000-04:00

Is this how it begins?

I was at work Sunday evening, and it was quiet enough at times that I could listen to the background music that was playing. I've talked at times about how mellow and downtempo the overnight mix is. The afternoon/evening mix is poppier, featuring a lot more mainstream pop music, and the songs are spread out further in time, with stuff from the Seventies and Eighties strung out amidst the more contemporary material. I was coming back to the desk from running some supplies to a guest, when I caught a snatch of Tracey Chapman's "Talkin' Bout a Revolution". There's a line that goes, "Finally the tables are starting to turn."

That brought tears to my eyes. I have tears in my eyes all the time now, and I don't know how to make them go away. It's not all internal. I'll try to explain.

There's an ongoing court case in Texas. Nikki Araguz, a widowed transwoman, is fighting to get her late husband's (a firefighter) suvivor benefits. Her in-laws are trying to get the money themselves, and they've hired attorneys to get the court to void the marriage by finding that Nikki isn't really a woman. This makes me angry to no end, but what can I do about it from here?

Over the weekend there was a political shindig in Las Vegas called Netroots Nation. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-California) participated in some sort of Q & A. She was pressed on the issue of getting Congress to act on ENDA. Her response was to say, "Make me." I know it wasn't intended as a taunt. Rather, she wants the LGBT community to make noise with their Congresspeople, to drum up the money and votes that'll be needed to pass the legislation. I tried that back in the spring. I sent an email to my new Floridian Congressman. It was a form email, because I couldn't muster the words to personalize the message. Naturally, his office sent back a form response.

From where I stand, the tables don't seem to be turning at all, and certainly not in our direction. I just don't know what to do about it. I barely have control of my own life, so how am I supposed to make the government do anything?

I keep hearing that Congress is more concerned with jobs and the economy. As I see it, ENDA is a jobs and economy issue. How many of us are in the closet because we know we can and will be fired if we make ourselves known? How many trans people are out in the world working shit jobs for little pay because of legally-sanctioned discrimination? If we could all get decent jobs and not worry about our job security, wouldn't we have more money, and funnel that money back into the economy?

Sometimes I feel like I don't have any recourse. I don't own a weapon, and I don't know that I'd do anything with one if I had it. I don't want to become a "Ticked Off Tranny" with a gun, but I'm tired of falling back.

World War II: Worst TV Series Ever

2010-07-25T19:53:00.001-04:00

I didn't write this. I don't even know the writer. A friend of a friend's friend pointed me toward it, and I feel compelled to share.

http://squid314.livejournal.com/275614.html

That's some of the finest satire I've read in a long time.

Around the World

2010-07-25T01:55:00.002-04:00

I've written here a few times about my ongoing war with spam commenters. The first fake comments came from Chinese spammers, sending links to their chat/porn sites. A few days ago, I got one leading to a Japanese porn site. Saturday evening I got two comments saying "You have a nice blog," along with links to what appears to be a Polish-language banking site. I say "appears" because I don't trust anything I can't read.

This makes three countries I'm getting readers from, in addition to the legitimate site traffic. This is a positive thing, right? My blog is at least being seen by other people, even if it's not the audience I'm looking for. This reminds me, I need to look at Google Analytics. I haven't checked in a while.

Apparently, I Write Like Cory Doctorow

2010-07-25T00:33:00.002-04:00

I write like
Cory Doctorow

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

For anyone who doesn't know, Cory Doctorow is a blogger and a science fiction novelist. I am embarrassed to admit that I picked up one of his books and couldn't get into it. Does anyone else have that problem with my writing?

A Makeup Test

2010-07-24T11:50:00.003-04:00

I haven't worn makeup since January, but I've tried to maintain my supplies and refresh from time to time with new products as they catch my eye. I tend to stick with stuff that works, but every once in a while I'll try something totally new, especially if I'm bombarded constantly by TV commercials and print ads in every publication.

One product I'm always looking at is mascara, as my lashes are not especially long or thick. Maybe it's because I'm technically male, but most mascaras don't do much for my eyelashes. Today I tried two different products: Maybelline's Volum' Express the Falsies in Blackest Black and Cover Girl's Lash Blast Fusion.

Maybelline Volum' Express the Falsies
http://www.maybelline.com/Product/Eye/Mascara/falsies-volume-express.htm

The ad copy promises to "instantly build 8x more volume without clumping" and to provide "the look of 300% more lashes". Maybe I didn't get it on thick enough, but I didn't see more volume or extra lashes. I see upon reflection that they suggest that the wearer repeat coats "until false lash look is achieved". That could mean wearing a LOT of mascara. Ugh. It's bad enough that I have to wear a lot of foundation. I can usually get by with minimal use of eye makeup. Maybe I'll give this product a go when I can wear full face, but at this point I'm disinclined to recommend it.

Cover Girl Lash Blast Fusion
http://www.covergirl.com/products/product.jsp?productId=lashblast_fusion_mascara

Here I must confess that I was a little predisposed toward this product. I like the original Lash Blast formula, and I always got good results with it. I only went out and bought the newer product because it was time to replace the other stuff, and I thought I'd combine replacement with a demo. I found that I got both length and thickness with this product. I definitely give this one my thumbs-up.

I can't find any of the print ads, but I've seen in the small print for one of these products that the model is wearing false lashes in addition to the mascara, and further that for best results one should wear both. I have to try, hard sometimes, to avoid looking like a drag queen, and they want me to wear false lashes AND heavy mascara? I think I'll pass.

Almost forgot: I trialed a new eye shadow with these mascaras. Cover Girl have a new product they've been cross-promoting with the Lash Blast: Smoky Shadow Blast. This is a two-part product featuring creamy shadow built into a double-ended pen. One end features a soft color on a rounded applicator. The other end is pointed, with a darker or more "bold" color. I don't like their choices of color combos. The colors they place together are complimentary, but not necessarily what I'd call the best choices. Perhaps they did this on purpose, in order to sell more shadow. Or maybe they expect their customers to be less picky. I don't know. I tried out one called "Purple Plume". The step one shadow is a pale, pinky lavender, and the step two is a purpley bronze. Neither shade looks very purple on the skin, but I think they looked okay.

Crossdressing: You're Doing It Wrong 2

2010-07-20T00:11:00.002-04:00

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/38316250/ns/world_news-weird_news/

A man was arrested in Mexico City for attempting to smuggle baby Titi monkeys in little pouches attached to a girdle he was wearing.

Nice Try, Spammers!

2010-07-16T20:24:00.002-04:00

A few weeks ago I went back to moderating comments, because I was getting tired of weeding out all the links to Chinese-language chat and porn sites. This has not been a bad idea, because sometimes these would-be advertisers are the only people posting comments to this blog. That's not a complaint, merely an observation.

Anywho, I opened my Gmail box to find another comment awaiting my attention. The poster's name was listed in Chinese characters, so I was prepared to eliminate it out of hand, but I like to give everyone benefit of the doubt. I clicked through to my Comment Moderation page, and found the following message:

"We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box."

Looks like someone nicked a bit of wisdom from a greeting card, and I would have allowed their comment, save for the link on the end to another porn site. So, to the spammers I say this, "Good show, and SOD OFF!!"

After Another Long Hiatus

2010-07-12T04:26:00.000-04:00

I have returned. I've been logging in periodically to read and comment on others' blogs, but I haven't felt much like posting. I've done some comment moderation. I wish I could say I was surprised, but the only commenters these last three weeks or so have been spammers planting links to their Chinese-language chat/porn sites.

The last weeks have been eventful, and yet not. I called Dad on Father's Day and found him in the hospital, down with a bout of near-fatal septicemia. That's when an infection gets into your bloodstream, and in his case it had gotten to both his heart and brain. While recovering from that, he had both a heart attack and a stroke. His life is no longer in imminent danger, but his health problems brought to the surface the long-seething conflict between my brother and my stepmother. Thermonuclear war would be less destructive. I wish there could be peace between them, but I don't think it's going to happen.

Back in May I wrote a little about suicide. I am sorry to report that my consideration of that has continued. Some days it's just not worth getting out of bed. I broke down and called a good friend, and she told me that suicide ideation can lead to actual suicide. She went on to suggest that I call a suicide hotline, if for no other reason than to find a counselor to speak to. The young woman who answered the phone talked to me for a bit, though she seemed a little out of her depth. She did give me the number of a counselor who billed on a sliding scale. That, I am sorry to say was less than productive. She started off by asking me about my religious affiliation, if I was "right with Jesus". I told her I was an atheist, and the discussion went downhill from there. I thanked her for her time and hung up. Then I called my friend back. Friends who love are always better than any quack sitting in an office.

On that note, I re-connected with one of my oldest friends via Facebook last weekend. She's the only friend from my teenage years that I didn't go to school with. We were also an on-again, off-again romantic thing, the closest thing in my life to "friends with benefits". I can say without equivocation that the best sex I ever had was with her. We hadn't talked on the phone in almost seven years, and I haven't seen her in more than ten, but talking to her, it was almost as though no time had passed. Naturally, she's in a relationship, and I won't interfere with that. What does it say about me that I would if she wanted me to?

Work is both stressful and sustaining. I'm finally getting forty-hour weeks, but it's meant taking on a 1500-2300 shift, and I always get that on the heels of working 2300-0700. I've always preferred double shifts to working back-t0-back, but the extra money is nice. I've been able to do a little shopping, which has helped me feel more like myself. I bought myself a couple of sleepshirts (one has the art from U2's War on the front) and got a manicure and pedicure last week. The new color is Nicole by OPI's Jade in the Shade, if anyone cares.

On top of all the other stressful events, Spot died last week. I don't know what got him, but he hadn't been "right" since the middle of June. We had to put all the animals outside one morning while we flea-bombed the house, and Spot did his best to try to get away and walkabout. A couple of days later he got out of the house somehow, and didn't turn up until early evening. He didn't have any visible wounds, and I gave him a bath just in case. His behavior changed. He wouldn't hang out in my bedroom much, and took to hiding in cabinets or up on shelves. Last Sunday I realized that I'd gone all day and hadn't seen him. I found him on top of the dresser in one of my nieces' bedrooms. I gave him food and water, and after a time he moved into the bathroom and laid on the tiles. He got up occasionally to shift position, but he didn't leave the bathroom at all. He was lying there peacefully when I left for work Monday night, and I found him in the same place Tuesday morning when I returned. His breathing was rapid and shallow. I spent some time cuddling with him, then laid down for a nap. I woke in the afternoon to find he was gone. We buried him deep in a hole in the backyard. I loved that cat with every fiber of my being, and I like to believe he loved me back. He will be missed.

That said, I got my pick of the kittens remaining from Twilight and Freckles' litters, and I chose the one that seemed to like me best. He's sleeping in the space between the keyboard and monitor as I type this. I haven't settled on a name for him yet. I might ask for some help here before too long.

Anyway, I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm still kicking down here.

Weird

2010-06-18T09:39:00.004-04:00

Two days ago I made the mistake of downloading a music file off the now-defunct Limewire P2P service. Somehow an infected file attached itself to the MP3, and a little while later I discovered that someone had hijacked my Gmail account and used it to spam my friends with a link to a phishing site. I don't think anyone opened the link, and most of my friends email servers bounced the message back as junk, but I had to change my passwords and log in again to make sure everything was secure. I thought I had done everything, but a moment ago I discovered I was Following my own blog. Weird, huh?

Apropos of Nothing

2010-06-18T09:30:00.003-04:00

I saw two little news items this week that tickled my funny bone. Item one:

http://www.journalstandard.com/opinions/columnists/x1600618702/MY-VIEW-Game-ends-for-Touchdown-Jesus

A six-story high statue of Jesus in Ohio was struck by lightning Monday night and burned to the ground. Around the same time in North Carolina, the following occurred:

http://www.wcnc.com/home/Big-Foot-spotting-in-Cleveland-County-96348919.html

Check out the man's sketch of his sasquatch. Looks remarkably Jesus-like.

That's all for that. It's meaningless and possibly even offensive, but I just had to share.

What Is That About?

2010-06-08T23:53:00.002-04:00

My friends know my love-hate relationship with Facebook. I love being connected to my friends and family. It's been especially valuable in that way since I moved to Florida. I've also made some new friends. Some are friends of friends, others are people who share interests. My friend list jumped a bit when Mass Effect 2 came out. Some of my friends came to my attention because Facebook "suggested" them. That's how I came to be "friends" with a few celebrities. What brings me out tonight are the outliers. I'm speaking of the friend requests I've gotten from complete strangers who don't even share any interests. I know some people collect friends on Facebook, under some sort of "she who dies with the most friends on Facebook" vibe. That doesn't bother me too much.

What does get me is that I think some of my friends are guys with a trans fetish. Some of these men are Middle Eastern, or East African. I'm always open to making friends in new places, so I usually accept friend requests from strangers in faraway places. Occasionally I wonder what prompts their friend request, but I don't always give it a lot of thought. That may have to change.

A little while ago, I was playing a game on Facebook (Bejeweled Blitz, if anyone cares). I don't know why, but people always open chat windows when I'm playing a game. It's a minor annoyance, because my system freezes up while the chat applet sorts itself out. Anyway, I was playing the game, and I got a chat pop-up from a recently-added friend in Turkey. I won't share the whole chat, but it went something like this:

Him: hi

Me: (after checking to see the time in Turkey) Good morning.

Him: how r u?

Me: tired. it was a long day.

Him: why?

Him: cam plz

Him: i mean webcam

So already I'm a little suspicious. Why does he want to cam chat?

Him: r u male?

AHA! We come to to the heart of the matter.

Me: you read my profile?

Him: yes

Me: you know im trans?

Him: yes

Me: I am transitioning, but am not full-time yet

Him: do u have a male body?

SIGH

Me: yes

Him: oh

That was the end of that. So, it's cool that I'm trans, but not cool because I'm not trans enough. I get it now. He wanted to see my breasts. Men are pigs.

Alejandro (another new Gaga video)

2010-06-08T13:43:00.002-04:00

Hit the title to go to the video on Lady Gaga's website.

Don't ask me what the song is about; all I can do is process the visuals. I was hooked when I saw the first hot soldier in fishnets and heels. There's so much going on here: militarism, sacrilegious imagery, some serious Madonna evocation (the star, not the other one) or outright robbery. Costumes out the wazoo. There's a serious steampunk vibe, with cyber undertones. One of the male models reminds me of young Tom Cruise, circa Taps. Dig the bra with M-16 barrels covering the nipples!

Sorry I haven't been more communicative of late. I've been suffering serious writer's block. I found the link to this in my email and got the bug back.

Technical Difficulties

2010-05-27T19:30:00.001-04:00

So I was trying to add my Youtube playlist to the sidebar here, and it keeps giving me a random selection of other people's vids, none of which are in either my faves or my custom playlist. Meh.

A Postcard from the Wall

2010-05-22T07:34:00.004-04:00

I haven't been posting a lot lately, and I apologize. The truth is there hasn't been a lot to write about. I'm stuck in another of my ruts. I go to work. I come home, where I sleep, eat, read, use the internet, and play the 360. There is some variety as to what order I do those things in, but it's the same shit day in and out, and it's wearing me down again. I've been back to work about a month, and that's great, but work is only one part of what it takes to make me whole, and a lot of the rest is missing.

It's strange. On the outside, I feel fine. In fact, I feel pretty good. A couple of days ago, I stepped onto a scale for the first time in a year or more, and discovered that I'm not nearly as heavy as I thought. I'm still a little large for my size, but I'm down fifteen pounds from the last time I weighed myself, and that's no mean feat, especially for one who likes to snack as I do.

Underneath the surface, though, I'm a mass of roiling despair. You know that Nietzsche quote about gazing into the abyss? I wish I could see that. At least I'd know something was looking back at me from the black. Some days I feel as though I could end it. I've always viewed suicide as the coward's way out, and I am not a coward, but there are days when it's a chore just to get out of bed. Sometimes I just can't see the point anymore. There's just no joy in my life right now.

It's not that there's no pleasure at all. On the contrary, I've found plenty of little things to carry me along. I've been building a Youtube playlist of the songs I've heard at work. Give it a listen, and maybe you'll get a sense of the sounds of my job.

http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=29B52928D441DE51

Six weeks or so ago, both of the outside cats here went into heat, and the kittens are now in the process of being farmed out. The family are keeping a couple, and one of the little critters has glommed onto me, so maybe Spot won't be an only child anymore.

I've been reading some good books lately. The latest is horror/thriller novel entitled Feed. You can read all about it here:

http://www.thefeedbook.com/

Imagine a time in which blogs take over the news from the traditional media outlets. I won't give away the plot or premise of the book, but the gist of it is that a major, civilization-ending catastrophe arises, and the traditional news sources drop the ball, leaving internet-based media to pick up the slack and keep people informed. After a time, blogs become the news medium of choice. I'd like to write something like that, but I'm having trouble keeping this up. That brings me to a logical conclusion.

I think I'm going to step back from this blog for a while. I'm not quitting. I just need to sort some things out. I called this my "Trans Blog", but lately it's become a clearing house for whatever is on my mind, and lately that's a whole lot of nothing. I'll come back when I have a better idea of what my place is here. It might be next week, or further out, but I will return.

Progress in Florida III - Success!

2010-05-12T08:06:00.003-04:00

http://www.tallahassee.com/article/20100512/NEWS01/5120330

In a 5-2 vote, the Leon County Commission approved the wildly controversial changes to the county's current human-rights ordinance. The changes are designed to deter discrimination and include more protection for members of the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community.

Three cheers for Leon County!

I don't know when the protections will kick in, but it's a start.

Back to Work

2010-05-11T05:10:00.003-04:00

I've been back to work for about three weeks now. I got my first full paycheck from the new company yesterday. Florida doesn't take a state tax out of people's payroll, so it was a nice check. Today I'm off, so I think I'll treat myself to a haircut and maybe a manicure. It's nice to be employed again, but work is only a slim buffer against depression.

I've gotten into this weird rut where I feel melancholy at home, but happy at work. Maybe it's the music. Every hotel I've worked in has had it's own special mix, but this place has the most eclectic selection of all of them. It's a mixture of some current pop, classical jazz and a lot of ambient dance stuff. Right now they're playing John Mayer, but during this shift I've heard DJ Shadow, Zero 7, Lusine, Yeasayer, Thievery Corporation and a slew of other electronic artists. In between all the downtempo club stuff I get snatches of hard bop that wouldn't sound out of place in a Yoko Kanno-scored anime. It's all so mellow; it's almost impossible to feel down about anything wrapped up in the sounds of this place. Maybe I need to buy an MP3 player and download some of this stuff, so I can carry it around with me. Maybe.

On a positive note, I forgot to take my studs out last night before I came in. I started to take them out, but the Front Office Manager told me they looked professional, so I could leave them in. After the flap at my last job, this was a tremendous relief. Small victories, right?

Another Sign of the Impending Apocalypse

2010-05-11T05:03:00.002-04:00

I signed up for Twitter.

Yeah, I know I've said repeatedly that I wasn't going to, because I don't care that much about anything. Alas, last month Keith Olbermann, one of my media heroes, broke down and started a Twitter feed. Every night since, he's cited various people's tweets on the air. The chance to interact, even in so impersonal a way, was impossible to resist.

I don't plan to use it all that much, but then, that's what I said a few years ago when I started blogging. We'll see.

Going Back to Moderated Comments

2010-05-04T06:07:00.003-04:00

In the beginning of this blog, there was comment moderation. I was easily distracted when this thing began, so I removed the moderation so folk could comment at will, without worry. I changed my policy a few months back to disable anonymous comments. I figured anyone who wanted to say something would be willing to share their IDs. The last few weeks, I've gotten a lot of spam "comments" loaded with links to Chinese language chat and porn sites. I already don't have ads here because I can't control the content. I don't want my blog associated with ladyboy dating and trans pornography. That's enough of that. I'll try to be more attentive to my readers now.

More Like Myself

2010-05-03T11:17:00.002-04:00

I haven't been out of doors en femme, as Jaye, as myself, since January. That's the longest span I've been without dressing since I moved out of Charlotte in September 2007. That's been hard to bear. My friends know I wear women's clothing all the time, but it's been so long since I presented myself in a female manner.

How fragile one's identity can be. Since I came out to the older children, I'm intermittently being peppered with questions about this and that. I've tried to be understanding and accommodating, answering their questions to the best of my ability without straying into TMI territory. I've been showing the girls my jewelry. The younger one has even asked me for tips about makeup once or twice. It's not enough. I've been reduced from an out-and-about transperson back to a closeted crossdresser. It's killing me one day at a time.

Over the weekend, Nate's ex bought a couple of sets of those stick-on artificial nails for her daughter and herself. They're the inexpensive kind, and they pop off with the least provocation. They rode off to the beach a little while ago, leaving the remains of both packs on the counter downstairs. I'm afraid I gave into temptation and picked out enough loose nails to fit myself out with a set. I haven't worn my fingernails long for a while now, and haven't kept them polished since the debacle at work last August. They're pretty, if a little gaudy, certainly flashier than I would have indulged in at a salon. All the same, it was nice to have pretty hands again, even if only for a few minutes. It was nice to feel more like myself again.

Movin' On Up

2010-04-23T22:14:00.002-04:00

I am gradually settling back into my working groove. I was hired as a night auditor, but my training schedule has been a little wonky. The first day was all computer training, and I worked from 1600 to 2100. The next day was orientation followed by some actual work, and that day I worked from 1400 to 2130. The next night was a weird one, 2000-0400, so I worked part of the evening shift and about half of the audit. Then I was off last night and tonight. Tomorrow I go back to that weird shift, followed by two all-audit 2300-0700 shifts.

All of this means that I've had to shift my sleeping habits again. My Circadian rhythms are all out of whack, and I've been trying to get around without disrupting the rest of the household. To that end, I was encouraged to switch sleeping quarters with my 11 year-old niece. After months of communal sleeping, I get a bedroom to myself. If I'm home from work, I can now sit up all hours and type on the computer, or play Xbox into the wee hours without disturbing anyone.

Another development of note is that we may have found a two-bedroom house to live in, and the rent's only $500/month. For a house! Sweet!