I can deal with unemployment, such as that is. Getting the internet in drips and drabs is also proving survivable. Six days ago, my Xbox 360 went on the fritz, and that, ladies and gentles, may be the death of me.
I'm still taking my meds (I got back onto Abilify, and it's done wonders). I've got my therapy with Cassandra every two weeks, and through the auspices of a co-op with the Bond Clinic, I've had a physical and some blood work done. My general health has been a little surprising. My weight is down to about 204, and my height is 5'11.5" (I shrunk an inch and a quarter!). Blood tests reveal that I have normal blood pressure, am not diabetic, and am HIV-negative. My body mass index is a tetch high, and don't get me started on the Body Surface Index. BMI makes a certain kind of sense, but who thought it was a good idea to tell folks how many square meters one's skin will cover?
When I'm not looking for work, books and videos fill my time. I've always read a lot, but I am finishing books at a rate which is prodigious. The local library has a respectable DVD collection, and I've been catching up on movies from the last five or six years.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Friday, February 8, 2013
Yes, I Am Alive
I really didn't mean to go another month without posting, but life has a way of interfering with plans. The cable's off at home, so I've been getting by on public terminals (That's a Mass Effect 2 reference, if anyone cares). My job search continues, so far without any positive results, but I am still hopeful.
My therapy was on hold for a few weeks because Cassandra was traveling, but we had a good session yesterday, and we're back on schedule for the next couple of months. Remember that "chuffed" feeling I had a while ago? When I arrived yesterday, the receptionist let her know by saying, "Jaye is here for her appointment". It's nice to be known as myself.
My therapy was on hold for a few weeks because Cassandra was traveling, but we had a good session yesterday, and we're back on schedule for the next couple of months. Remember that "chuffed" feeling I had a while ago? When I arrived yesterday, the receptionist let her know by saying, "Jaye is here for her appointment". It's nice to be known as myself.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
That Was the Year I Knew the Panic Was Over
With apologies to Ellie Goulding.
2012 was a year in which I learned, yet again, that anything could happen. I lost my Dad in April. I lost my job in December. Sometime in the middle I learned to overcome my fear of the future. It's not that I'm no longer afraid. It's just that that fear is overwhelmed by my terror of what will become of me if I keep putting things off.
2012 was a year in which I learned, yet again, that anything could happen. I lost my Dad in April. I lost my job in December. Sometime in the middle I learned to overcome my fear of the future. It's not that I'm no longer afraid. It's just that that fear is overwhelmed by my terror of what will become of me if I keep putting things off.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Affirmation
Last Saturday, I was invited to a party held by my friends Troy and River. They called it the "Post-Mayan Apocalypse Zombie Solstice Party". What a name, eh? I attended the party they held last year in my male guise. As I have been trying to get out more in my femme persona, that's how I went this time around.
I wore a "Christmas" sweater which has languished in my closet since last year. It's teal and it glitters. I wore the sweater over a pair of purple skinny jeans, with my grey boots. I've got one decent picture of myself from that night:
I did my nails specially for the night: one coat of Spoiled "I Don't Drink Cheap Wine" (sort of magenta) and a second coat of Spoiled "Ants in My Pants" (clear red with glitter). I was pleased with the effect.
Where they live is not far off one of the major bus routes, so I knew I could get there using public transportation. Halfway to my transfer point, the bus broke down. A nice gentleman from Star Metro came out and picked me up along with another passenger in a van, and promised to deliver us to our destinations. Through the whole experience, the transit guy spoke of me as "that woman, her and she" and addressed me as "Ma'am". Not all of my encounters with government employees have been so polite, or so positive. Can
I borrow a phrase from my British friends and say that I was chuffed, or is that too masculine?
The party was great. Troy and River have lots of friends, and there was a lot of food and drink, and a bonfire and... Yeah, it was great. I had a wonderful conversation with a woman there whose child is Ftm. I got a few compliments on my outfit. The food was incredible. A good time was had by all.
Yesterday was my third therapy session. By mutual agreement with her, I attended en femme. It was COLD yesterday, so I dressed simply in a blue sweater, skinny jeans (not the purple ones) and my boots. At the start of our session, she told me that I seemed the most like myself of all the times I had come to see her. Our discussion was wide-ranging, covering many topics, and not just those related to being trans. I did speak a bit about that, though. We talked about music, and dancing. She gave me a "homework" assignment: I am to dance for at least fifteen minutes every day. Would that all of my past homework assignments were so easy.
I wore a "Christmas" sweater which has languished in my closet since last year. It's teal and it glitters. I wore the sweater over a pair of purple skinny jeans, with my grey boots. I've got one decent picture of myself from that night:
I did my nails specially for the night: one coat of Spoiled "I Don't Drink Cheap Wine" (sort of magenta) and a second coat of Spoiled "Ants in My Pants" (clear red with glitter). I was pleased with the effect.
Where they live is not far off one of the major bus routes, so I knew I could get there using public transportation. Halfway to my transfer point, the bus broke down. A nice gentleman from Star Metro came out and picked me up along with another passenger in a van, and promised to deliver us to our destinations. Through the whole experience, the transit guy spoke of me as "that woman, her and she" and addressed me as "Ma'am". Not all of my encounters with government employees have been so polite, or so positive. Can
I borrow a phrase from my British friends and say that I was chuffed, or is that too masculine?
The party was great. Troy and River have lots of friends, and there was a lot of food and drink, and a bonfire and... Yeah, it was great. I had a wonderful conversation with a woman there whose child is Ftm. I got a few compliments on my outfit. The food was incredible. A good time was had by all.
Yesterday was my third therapy session. By mutual agreement with her, I attended en femme. It was COLD yesterday, so I dressed simply in a blue sweater, skinny jeans (not the purple ones) and my boots. At the start of our session, she told me that I seemed the most like myself of all the times I had come to see her. Our discussion was wide-ranging, covering many topics, and not just those related to being trans. I did speak a bit about that, though. We talked about music, and dancing. She gave me a "homework" assignment: I am to dance for at least fifteen minutes every day. Would that all of my past homework assignments were so easy.
On Transfolk
Here's a link to a thoughtful, well-written piece from a writer I very much admire. Please give it a read:
On Transfolk
On Transfolk
Friday, December 21, 2012
Going Forward, Finally
Back in May I wrote a piece I called Beginning Again, For the First Time, wherein I expressed hopeful feelings about my future, and expected developments in my transition. Well, to make the long story short, spring became summer and eventually autumn, and no progress was made of any kind. At least not the kind intended. I think I've said before that depression is all kinds of fun, and I failed to treat mine in a responsible fashion. That is now in the past.
In November, I started attending the meetings of Transgender Tallahassee, the local support group. Later in the month, I went back to Apalachee Center to refill my scrips, and discovered that my case worker had retired. I got to meet my new case worker, and she immediately scheduled me to see a counselor. We've had two sessions, and I'm going back to see her next week.
In the midst of all this goodness, I lost my job. Yes, again. Back in October, a guest vaguely complained that I was "rude and unprofessional". I don't remember it that way, but the complaint came in the form of a guest survey, so the event generated a written warning and my working hours were slashed. After a couple of weeks of working two or three shifts, I was informed of more complaints and given the boot. I had about sixty seconds of dark, dark thinking, but I took a couple of deep breaths and kept going. I've registered with the local employment agency and have dropped applications and resumes at all of the hotels in the neighborhood of the old place. I've even applied at non-hotel jobs, because I need to work.
I think I understand the AA theory of taking things one day at a time.
In November, I started attending the meetings of Transgender Tallahassee, the local support group. Later in the month, I went back to Apalachee Center to refill my scrips, and discovered that my case worker had retired. I got to meet my new case worker, and she immediately scheduled me to see a counselor. We've had two sessions, and I'm going back to see her next week.
In the midst of all this goodness, I lost my job. Yes, again. Back in October, a guest vaguely complained that I was "rude and unprofessional". I don't remember it that way, but the complaint came in the form of a guest survey, so the event generated a written warning and my working hours were slashed. After a couple of weeks of working two or three shifts, I was informed of more complaints and given the boot. I had about sixty seconds of dark, dark thinking, but I took a couple of deep breaths and kept going. I've registered with the local employment agency and have dropped applications and resumes at all of the hotels in the neighborhood of the old place. I've even applied at non-hotel jobs, because I need to work.
I think I understand the AA theory of taking things one day at a time.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Not That Bad, Really
Depression is a funny thing. I don't mean that it's entertaining, though I suppose that it can be. What I do mean is that it's an up-and-down situation. Last Sunday I was feeling down on myself, but Saturday was actually a pretty good day, and it took some introspection to recognize it for what it was. 20/20 hindsight is nice, but I wouldn't mind being able to seeing the good for what it is, when it is.
Last Saturday I spent my time at the first ever Florida Secular Rally. We got off to a bit of a late start (the stage wasn't delivered until late), but a good time was had by all. There were speeches from various luminaries of the secular/atheist movement, entertainment by Shelley Segal and Greydon Square. We had some of the best food truck catering on the planet, courtesy of Sir Cheezy and The Great American Sandwich Station. I got to spend the day with some really awesome people, all of whom were totally okay with me en femme (and they all used the correct pronouns).
Oddly enough, there was one trans blogger there, and I watched her presentation, but somehow never worked up the nerve to introduce myself. That was Zinnia Jones, and you'll find a link to her blog on the right side of the page here. I am embarrassed that I had never heard of her before this event was organized. Months ago, I was asked if I knew any LGBT bloggers who wrote about the secular life, and I all but drew a blank. I knew of Greta Christina, but knowing of is not knowing, if you know what I mean. The months whizzed by, and one of the organizers told me they got Zinnia Jones, and I said "Who?" Anyway, her bit is on Youtube, and you can see it here.
True story: all night long, people came up to me at the after party and told me they loved my presentation. Zinnia looked to be about six inches shorter than me, with long dark hair. I was dressed all in black, with only my flaming red hair to break up the monochromatic theme. I don't know how anyone could have confused us, but if I must resemble someone else, I could do a lot worse.
Last Saturday I spent my time at the first ever Florida Secular Rally. We got off to a bit of a late start (the stage wasn't delivered until late), but a good time was had by all. There were speeches from various luminaries of the secular/atheist movement, entertainment by Shelley Segal and Greydon Square. We had some of the best food truck catering on the planet, courtesy of Sir Cheezy and The Great American Sandwich Station. I got to spend the day with some really awesome people, all of whom were totally okay with me en femme (and they all used the correct pronouns).
Oddly enough, there was one trans blogger there, and I watched her presentation, but somehow never worked up the nerve to introduce myself. That was Zinnia Jones, and you'll find a link to her blog on the right side of the page here. I am embarrassed that I had never heard of her before this event was organized. Months ago, I was asked if I knew any LGBT bloggers who wrote about the secular life, and I all but drew a blank. I knew of Greta Christina, but knowing of is not knowing, if you know what I mean. The months whizzed by, and one of the organizers told me they got Zinnia Jones, and I said "Who?" Anyway, her bit is on Youtube, and you can see it here.
True story: all night long, people came up to me at the after party and told me they loved my presentation. Zinnia looked to be about six inches shorter than me, with long dark hair. I was dressed all in black, with only my flaming red hair to break up the monochromatic theme. I don't know how anyone could have confused us, but if I must resemble someone else, I could do a lot worse.
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