Affirmation

Last Saturday, I was invited to a party held by my friends Troy and River.  They called it the "Post-Mayan Apocalypse Zombie Solstice Party".  What a name, eh?  I attended the party they held last year in my male guise.  As I have been trying to get out more in my femme persona, that's how I went this time around.

I wore a "Christmas" sweater which has languished in my closet since last year.  It's teal and it glitters.  I wore the sweater over a pair of purple skinny jeans, with my grey boots.  I've got one decent picture of myself from that night:

I did my nails specially for the night: one coat of Spoiled "I Don't Drink Cheap Wine" (sort of magenta) and a second coat of Spoiled "Ants in My Pants" (clear red with glitter).  I was pleased with the effect.

Where they live is not far off one of the major bus routes, so I knew I could get there using public transportation.  Halfway to my transfer point, the bus broke down.  A nice gentleman from Star Metro came out and picked me up along with another passenger in a van, and promised to deliver us to our destinations.  Through the whole experience, the transit guy spoke of me as "that woman, her and she" and addressed me as "Ma'am".  Not all of my encounters with government employees have been so polite, or so positive.  Can
I borrow a phrase from my British friends and say that I was chuffed, or is that too masculine?

The party was great.  Troy and River have lots of friends, and there was a lot of food and drink, and a bonfire and...  Yeah, it was great. I had a wonderful conversation with a woman there whose child is Ftm.  I got a few compliments on my outfit.  The food was incredible.  A good time was had by all.

Yesterday was my third therapy session.  By mutual agreement with her, I attended en femme.  It was COLD yesterday, so I dressed simply in a blue sweater, skinny jeans (not the purple ones) and my boots.  At the start of our session, she told me that I seemed the most like myself of all the times I had come to see her.  Our discussion was wide-ranging, covering many topics, and not just those related to being trans.  I did speak a bit about that, though.  We talked about music, and dancing.  She gave me a "homework" assignment: I am to dance for at least fifteen minutes every day.  Would that all of my past homework assignments were so easy.

New Experiences

Monday was my first day off after several, and I decided I wanted to go to the movies.  I also decided to make this outing en femme.  I somehow missed out on writing about it, but I did finally get a couple of outings during the fall.  On the first I went out to attend that museum show I wrote about, but due to unforeseen circumstances, I never made it to the museum.  My second trip out was simply a low-key trek across town to pick up my meds.  I didn't have any real negative experiences, aside from the usual occasional laughter.  I can live with laughter.  It's much preferable to violence of any kind.

The weather of late has been wonky, even for Florida.  We've had cold, rainy days followed by sunny and hot.  Monday I ventured out in jeans and a sweater, and I was plenty warm, though I brought a denim jacket just in case.  I wore a pair of boots I'd picked up for just such an occasion, Merona Kamischel Lug-Sole Boots in Grey from Target.  I'd wanted to get out early, but I have motivational issues without my regular medication, and I got a late start.  I didn't make it out the door until 1600.

Vicki was nice enough to drive me up to my bus stop, and from there I caught the bus into the downtown area.  I then walked six blocks over to catch another bus which delivered me to the mall.  I arrived there around 1715, and to my dismay, the movie I'd come to see, David Fincher's The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo didn't start until 1845.  I had about an hour and a half to kill, and I had a little spending money with me, so I decided to shop a bit.  Tallahassee Mall has been on a downward trend for years, and there are far more empty storefronts there than open stores, but they have Burlington Coat Factory, Barnes & Noble, and a Victoria's Secret.  That last store was having their Semi-Annual Sale, featuring panties for $2.99 and bras for $15.99.  I bought one of each.  That was one of my new experiences.  I've shopped at VS before, but only bought something for one of my nieces.  I seem to remember writing about a previous trip there when I lived in Virginia.  I don't remember being treated very well, and I remember being put off because the salesperson wanted me to buy a poorly-fitting bra.  I didn't have that experience this time.  The salespeople I met were very welcoming.  The other customers I interacted with were nice, also.  The sale bras were "sorted" into bins by their band and cup size.  I'm wearing 38D now, and the 38D bins didn't have very many 38D bras in them, or even 38s of any size.  I guess a day of customers pawing through the bins would disorder them, and if they were as busy all day as they were when I shopped there, then maybe they didn't have time to re-sort them.

One thing I want to mention here, that I haven't gotten around to saying before, is that I've lost weight.  At my heaviest last year, I was pushing 230.  I'm down to 200.  Must be work and all that walking.  It's been nice, because some of my tops and such look a lot better, but it's also a bit of a pain, because my pants don't fit anymore.  For the last four or five years, I've been wearing size 12-14 jeans, and now they don't fit.  None of them, from any manufacturer, will stay up on my waist or hips without the addition of a belt.  I've gotten out and bought a couple of new pairs in the junior size 11.  They're a little snug, but they're comfortable all the same.  I'm still large on top, but I've lost a couple of inches in my chest, hence the 38 bras.

After VS, I hiked to the other end of the mall to Barnes & Noble.  I really didn't want to buy any books, but looking at them can eat up a lot of time, and it did.  I also got hit on.  There was this really persistent gentleman wandering the scifi stacks, and he really wanted to chat me up.  I suppose I should be flattered, because he either didn't "read" me, or he didn't care.  He said he thought I was hot, and he wanted to get to know me better, but it was getting late, and my movie was starting soon, and he made me nervous, so I apologized and told him I wasn't interested, and beat feet for the theater.

The Girl with The Dragon Tattoo was one of the best book adaptations I've seen in a long time.  Fincher made a couple of changes from the novel, but I don't think they detracted from the story at all, and I think they might help if he's successful in making the rest of the Millennium trilogy.  I think Noomi Rapace was the best feature of the original Swedish productions, but Rooney Mara IS Lisbeth Salander.  She totally owned the character, from the "Fuck you!" street persona to the underlying vulnerability and all the nuances in between.  I love the horn earrings she wore in the movie, and I was much dismayed to learn that H&M sold out of them (as well as every stitch of the clothing line).

The movie didn't let out until 2130, and that posed a problem for me getting home.  The last bus toward home ran past the mall at 2145, and it took me longer than that to walk around to the front side of the mall where the bus stop is.  I messaged Vicki to see if I could get a ride.  She was tied up across town waiting for her husband to get off from work, so I walked up the road to the nearby Whataburger to wait.  It wasn't my first choice for either food or a place to wait, but there aren't many stores or restaurants in that neighborhood that are open late, so that's where I went.  I ordered a combo and sat down to eat and wait.  After the meal, I got bored, and decided to start walking.  I messaged Vicki to let her know I was moving on, and that I'd try to get closer to home so it'd be easier for them to pick me up.  That was the beginning of my next new experience.

I've been out walking a lot, but I haven't done much of it at night, and I haven't been out dressed as a woman.  This could have been my undoing.  I'd barely traveled half a mile from the Mall when a car rolled up beside me and the driver asked me "How much?"  I told him I wasn't a prostitute and kept walking.  A mile or so down the road, another driver pulled into an adjacent parking lot and flashed his lights at me.  BLINK BLINK.  I started to feel like I was in a bad movie.  I kept walking.  That wasn't the last time.  I was propositioned twice more, by one more driver and a pedestrian.

I couldn't figure why I was getting so much attention.  I wasn't dressed provocatively.  My makeup was understated daytime stuff.  I wasn't even walking sexily or anything.  Then I remembered all the casually-dressed prostitutes I've seen in my travels, all the solitary women I'd seen by the road in different places who turned out to be "working",  I was afraid that I was going to attract attention from the police, and I didn't want that, either.  I took the hint and got off the street.

The next block hosts a 24-hour CVS drug store.  I ate up a lot of time in there, and even purchased a few items.  Then I went out front to wait, and a few minutes later I was in the car rolling home.  I got home with just enough time to undress, clean off my makeup and nail polish before climbing into bed for a short sleep before work again.

A Grand Day Out

Today I had a nice time out by myself.  After the upheavals of the last few months, I've needed some alone time, and a shopping trip was the perfect excursion.

My shift at work ended at 1300, and I had previously asked my sister if she would take me to a bookstore.  There's a Borders just down the road from the hotel.  In case you haven't heard, Borders are going out of business, and everything in their stores must go.  Books and other merchandise are 50-70% off, and I decided to take advantage.  I wandered around there for about an hour, and ended up with six paperbacks (various titles from the Warhammer 40K series The Horus Heresy, two trade paperbacks (William Gibson and Charles de Lint), a three-pack of pink and black fuzzy socks and a woven black and white checked tote bag (which I bought so I wouldn't have to lug around plastic shopping bags.  My total there came to $62 and change, for merchandise which would've originally retailed for over $100.  I didn't think I was doing too bad, but I wasn't finished.

I knew my sister wasn't going to be coming back for another hour or so, so I texted her to let her know I was going to walk down the road to Governor's Square Mall.  I've only been to that mall once before, so I spent a few minutes perusing the directory posted just inside the entrance.  I walked around the upper level until I found a salon called Brow Art.  I used to get my brows waxed when I got my manicures or pedicures, but I haven't had regular salon service since just after I left my last position.

At Brow Art, they remove hair by threading.  That was somewhat like being waxed, but different.  For one thing, it hurt a little more.  The effect was nice, but I think they left my brows a little heavier than I prefer.  I can always go back and ask them to thin me out some more.

After the salon, I walked around and window-shopped a bit.  I saw lots of pretty clothes, but I was trying to save my money for other things.  I did try on a couple of pairs of heels at Payless, including a pair of those shoes that are so popular lately, with the 5.5-inch heels and a platform under the toe.  My GM runs around all day in those, and I often wonder how she does it.  I don't really want a pair of those right now (Yes I do!), but I wanted to reassure myself that I could walk in shoes like that if I wanted to.

My next port of call was GameStop.  I discovered last week that my Xbox 360 isn't dead (it only overheated), so I bought a previously-owned copy of Halo: Reach, a game which my brother hooked me on while I've been hanging out in Havana.  Using the gift card I won at the company Christmas party last year, I only had to spend $12.  Very cool.

Cruising through the center court of the mall brought me to the MAC Cosmetics kiosk.  I could have blown the rest of my paycheck there, but I held myself to just a couple of items.  When I still had a femme profile pic on Facebook, one of my new friends commented that I needed better beard cover.  I fielded several recommendations, and one I got the most often was a newer MAC product called Studio Tech Foundation.  My beard had come in a bit since I shaved this morning, but Whitney (my artist) found a patch where it was still smooth, and worked the foundation in, combined with Prep+Prime/Skin, a primer.  I've found that eye shadow stays on better if I apply primer first, so it stands to reason that the same might apply with foundation.   Under the combination of products, my beard shadow disappeared.   I've found another favorite product, I think.  It's more expensive than the drug store brands, but not as pricey as the Lancome stuff I bought a couple of years ago.  I can't wait to try it out.

I window-shopped a bit more, but my sister texted to say she was on her way, and she met me outside the entrance a few minutes later.  It was a good trip, "A Grand Day Out" (if I may steal from Wallace and Gromit).  I felt the most like myself that I have in a very long time.  I went out dressed in men's clothing, but I went wherever I wanted, enjoyed my experiences, and spent a nice couple of hours wandering around in the air conditioning.  I've got to do this more often.

The Wrong Shoes

My epitaph will probably read:

"She was wearing the wrong shoes."

It's the story of my life.  Wore sneakers to soccer practice because I didn't know I was supposed to buy cleats.  I've worn spike heels to the mall because they matched my outfit.  I once had to pull a twelve-hour shift at a hotel in really girly-looking heels because my regular work shoes fell apart while I was getting dressed, and I didn't have any male shoes that could substitute.

There's a branch of the local public library about two miles from where I'm living.  It's a decent walk when the weather's nice.  I was going to go this morning, but I got busy puttering around the house, and by the afternoon, it had gotten too warm.  I wouldn't have pushed for it, but I ran out of anything to read, and I get antsy when I don't have a book near to hand.

After dinner, my sister and her husband announced they were going to WalMart, and I asked if they'd drop me off at the library on the way.  They did, and said I could text them when I was ready to go home.  It only occurred to me when they left that I was wearing flip-flops.  I'd meant to change before we took off, but it slipped my mind. 

I have owned sandals that are meant to be walked in.  These are not that kind.  They're Airwalk, a brand I bought at Payless.  They've got simple hard rubber soles (patterned like Converse sneakers) with denim-like cloth thongs.  I could have waited for them to finish at the store.  It might've meant sitting outside the library for twenty minutes after closing, but I felt like walking.  Curse my feelings. 

I was halfway home when I decided I'd had enough, so I sent a text asking if I should wait where I was or press on for home.  They advised me it would be another twenty minutes or so, so I kept on walking.  They caught up to me just as I turned onto our street.

I think I walked these poor shoes into their grave.  It's time to buy new shoes.  Maybe I'll get some after my tax refund comes.

Scary Monsters

The photo to the left is one I ganked off of yesterday's Go Fug Yourself. The three people in it are, left to right: Madonna's daughter Lourdes, Taylor Momsen (who is apparently an actress or something) and Madonna.

The first thing that grabbed me was Momsen's eye makeup. Holy hell! That girl's wearing more eyeliner than I have in my whole life. Then I got a look at Lourdes's outfit.

Let's see, she's wearing a leather jacket (with the sleeves pulled up) over an unbuttoned flannel shirt, over a tunic, with ripped(!) tights and either heavy socks or leg warmers(?!) tucked into ugly boots.

Madonna, on the other hand, looks almost normal. The platforms on her shoes almost look like hooves.

There's enough Nightmare Fuel in this photo to last for weeks.

Taylor Momsen's boots are pretty cool, though.

I really need to get some shopping in.

Freaky Deaky! (New Lady Gaga Video)

This is the new Lady Gaga video. It premiered about four days ago. It's got intricate makeup, elaborate costumes, and freaky shoes (courtesy of Alexander McQueen). Drag artists all over the planet are no doubt choreographing numbers based on it. I might've even found a costume for next Halloween. I love it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MsthwTUTylQ

Did a Little Shopping

I was going to go out yesterday. It was my day off, but I felt rotten, and ended up sleeping through most of the day. I did wake up in time to see the President's address on health care reform. I got to see that buffoon from South Carolina make an arse of himself on national television. I nodded off watching Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves on Netflix via my Xbox. Eventually I crawled back into bed and resolved to go out today.

I wanted to dress up, but the weather was grey and gloomy, and I still wasn't feeling 100%, so I schlepped out in jeans and a tee with a hoodie. I walked down to the river and caught the ferry to Norfolk, then walked the few blocks over to the MacArthur Center Mall. I wasn't shopping with a purpose. Indeed, I was hoping to get in and out without spending any money. Hah!

I knew my friend Tracy worked at Coach, but I didn't realize she worked at the Coach store in that mall. I ducked in for a moment to say hello, then ducked out again because she had a customer. A little further along, I found a Payless store. I've been looking at a particular pair of their shoes for work, and they just happened to have a pair in my size. I got them. That's actually the second pair of shoes I've bought this week. I found a pair of l.e.i. heels on clearance at Walmart the other day. I'd lusted after them all summer, but never had the money to spare. At $11.00, I decided I could spare it.

By the time I made it back to Waterside to meet the ferry, it had begun to rain again, but it subsided when I reached the dock in Portsmouth. On my many trips through the neighborhood, I've walked many times by a little store called the Eklectik Funk Boutique. I decided to check the place out. The owner told me a bunch of things were on sale, 50-75% off, so I felt like I had to buy something, though I wasn't sure from looking at the racks that anything would fit me. To my surprise, I found a top which turned out to be a dress. That is, the shop receipt says it's a dress. I will probably wear it with jeans or leggings. I also picked out a pair of earrings designed by the owner. The "dress" was 50% off, and the earrings 25% off, so I thought I did well.

On the way home, it began to rain again, in earnest. I got some KFC on the way home and here I am again.