New Experiences

Monday was my first day off after several, and I decided I wanted to go to the movies.  I also decided to make this outing en femme.  I somehow missed out on writing about it, but I did finally get a couple of outings during the fall.  On the first I went out to attend that museum show I wrote about, but due to unforeseen circumstances, I never made it to the museum.  My second trip out was simply a low-key trek across town to pick up my meds.  I didn't have any real negative experiences, aside from the usual occasional laughter.  I can live with laughter.  It's much preferable to violence of any kind.

The weather of late has been wonky, even for Florida.  We've had cold, rainy days followed by sunny and hot.  Monday I ventured out in jeans and a sweater, and I was plenty warm, though I brought a denim jacket just in case.  I wore a pair of boots I'd picked up for just such an occasion, Merona Kamischel Lug-Sole Boots in Grey from Target.  I'd wanted to get out early, but I have motivational issues without my regular medication, and I got a late start.  I didn't make it out the door until 1600.

Vicki was nice enough to drive me up to my bus stop, and from there I caught the bus into the downtown area.  I then walked six blocks over to catch another bus which delivered me to the mall.  I arrived there around 1715, and to my dismay, the movie I'd come to see, David Fincher's The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo didn't start until 1845.  I had about an hour and a half to kill, and I had a little spending money with me, so I decided to shop a bit.  Tallahassee Mall has been on a downward trend for years, and there are far more empty storefronts there than open stores, but they have Burlington Coat Factory, Barnes & Noble, and a Victoria's Secret.  That last store was having their Semi-Annual Sale, featuring panties for $2.99 and bras for $15.99.  I bought one of each.  That was one of my new experiences.  I've shopped at VS before, but only bought something for one of my nieces.  I seem to remember writing about a previous trip there when I lived in Virginia.  I don't remember being treated very well, and I remember being put off because the salesperson wanted me to buy a poorly-fitting bra.  I didn't have that experience this time.  The salespeople I met were very welcoming.  The other customers I interacted with were nice, also.  The sale bras were "sorted" into bins by their band and cup size.  I'm wearing 38D now, and the 38D bins didn't have very many 38D bras in them, or even 38s of any size.  I guess a day of customers pawing through the bins would disorder them, and if they were as busy all day as they were when I shopped there, then maybe they didn't have time to re-sort them.

One thing I want to mention here, that I haven't gotten around to saying before, is that I've lost weight.  At my heaviest last year, I was pushing 230.  I'm down to 200.  Must be work and all that walking.  It's been nice, because some of my tops and such look a lot better, but it's also a bit of a pain, because my pants don't fit anymore.  For the last four or five years, I've been wearing size 12-14 jeans, and now they don't fit.  None of them, from any manufacturer, will stay up on my waist or hips without the addition of a belt.  I've gotten out and bought a couple of new pairs in the junior size 11.  They're a little snug, but they're comfortable all the same.  I'm still large on top, but I've lost a couple of inches in my chest, hence the 38 bras.

After VS, I hiked to the other end of the mall to Barnes & Noble.  I really didn't want to buy any books, but looking at them can eat up a lot of time, and it did.  I also got hit on.  There was this really persistent gentleman wandering the scifi stacks, and he really wanted to chat me up.  I suppose I should be flattered, because he either didn't "read" me, or he didn't care.  He said he thought I was hot, and he wanted to get to know me better, but it was getting late, and my movie was starting soon, and he made me nervous, so I apologized and told him I wasn't interested, and beat feet for the theater.

The Girl with The Dragon Tattoo was one of the best book adaptations I've seen in a long time.  Fincher made a couple of changes from the novel, but I don't think they detracted from the story at all, and I think they might help if he's successful in making the rest of the Millennium trilogy.  I think Noomi Rapace was the best feature of the original Swedish productions, but Rooney Mara IS Lisbeth Salander.  She totally owned the character, from the "Fuck you!" street persona to the underlying vulnerability and all the nuances in between.  I love the horn earrings she wore in the movie, and I was much dismayed to learn that H&M sold out of them (as well as every stitch of the clothing line).

The movie didn't let out until 2130, and that posed a problem for me getting home.  The last bus toward home ran past the mall at 2145, and it took me longer than that to walk around to the front side of the mall where the bus stop is.  I messaged Vicki to see if I could get a ride.  She was tied up across town waiting for her husband to get off from work, so I walked up the road to the nearby Whataburger to wait.  It wasn't my first choice for either food or a place to wait, but there aren't many stores or restaurants in that neighborhood that are open late, so that's where I went.  I ordered a combo and sat down to eat and wait.  After the meal, I got bored, and decided to start walking.  I messaged Vicki to let her know I was moving on, and that I'd try to get closer to home so it'd be easier for them to pick me up.  That was the beginning of my next new experience.

I've been out walking a lot, but I haven't done much of it at night, and I haven't been out dressed as a woman.  This could have been my undoing.  I'd barely traveled half a mile from the Mall when a car rolled up beside me and the driver asked me "How much?"  I told him I wasn't a prostitute and kept walking.  A mile or so down the road, another driver pulled into an adjacent parking lot and flashed his lights at me.  BLINK BLINK.  I started to feel like I was in a bad movie.  I kept walking.  That wasn't the last time.  I was propositioned twice more, by one more driver and a pedestrian.

I couldn't figure why I was getting so much attention.  I wasn't dressed provocatively.  My makeup was understated daytime stuff.  I wasn't even walking sexily or anything.  Then I remembered all the casually-dressed prostitutes I've seen in my travels, all the solitary women I'd seen by the road in different places who turned out to be "working",  I was afraid that I was going to attract attention from the police, and I didn't want that, either.  I took the hint and got off the street.

The next block hosts a 24-hour CVS drug store.  I ate up a lot of time in there, and even purchased a few items.  Then I went out front to wait, and a few minutes later I was in the car rolling home.  I got home with just enough time to undress, clean off my makeup and nail polish before climbing into bed for a short sleep before work again.

Love and Marriage

This is a little something I wanted to write about, but was waiting for a cue from outside. A couple of days ago, the Iowa Supreme Court ruled that the state's ban on gay marriage was unconstitutional. On top of that, I just finished watching a documentary on MSNBC: "Born in the Wrong Body - Tying the Knot". It told the stories of two couples trying to get married: one half of each couple was transgendered, a transman in one, and a transwoman in the other. It was nice seeing these people get to places they wanted to be in their lives, and to see them finding real love. I miss love.

I wasn't involved in too many relationships before I got married. I've written before of what a disaster my marriage was. I will not soon repeat that. The first few years after D left, I told people that I didn't want to get into another relationship. I was finally on my own, and I didn't want to enmesh myself with another person until I sorted myself out. I occasionally met someone who found me interesting, but that interest always evaporated after they found out about me being trans. I've also met a few people who didn't want to be with me because I'm pre-op. I don't know that I'm ever going to be post-op, so if that's going to be an issue, it's here to stay, the period at the end of my sentence.

On a related note, I was propositioned in the parking lot at Wally World last spring. I was putting my groceries in the truck when this car pulls up. The window slides down and this brother (can a white girl call a black man a brother?) tells me that he was "checking me out" in the store, and was wondering if we could "hook up". All at once, I was both flattered and put-off. I took a breath and told him I was in a relationship, and that my girlfriend didn't like boys. I was telling a story, but oh how I wished it was true. He drove off in a huff. Afterwards, I realized he just wanted sex, quick and dirty. I haven't had sex in almost six years.

I can only imagine the species of hell I might've experienced these last few years if I had still been attached to someone. I see the travails of my friends in those circumstances, and I feel empathy, but I wouldn't want to be where they are for anything. It's a good thing, I guess, that I have no children. It's going to be exciting enough trying to explain to my nephews that their uncle wants to be their aunt. There is one being in this world who accepts me unconditionally, regardless of what I'm wearing, and that's Spot, my cat. As long as I keep him fed, we're good.

In the meantime, I have met a few lovely people who like me and support me, and are totally okay with my transness (is that a word?). Most of them, alas, are in good, strong relationships, though. When I was younger, I might've approached them. I was a big believer in the second coming of free love in the early 90s, and I was bi and open to open relationships. Now though, I would never poach on somebody else's relationship. I'd rather fall on my sword. People keep telling me that a special someone is out there, but I don't know that I believe in that any more than I believe in everyone's favorite Imaginary Friend.

That's enough of that.