Another Year

That wasn't supposed to happen.  I let six months elapse between blog posts, though I suppose that's somewhat appropriate, being that the last message was entitled "Six Months".  Ba-dum tish.  I wish I could say that I've been busy, but that's only partially true.  The truth is, I've been distracted, by all manner of things.  I wanted to post a few different times in the interim, but I could never get my thoughts organized quite to my satisfaction.  I was also having trouble trying to describe events without making the participants (myself included) sound like assholes.

I managed to go the whole year without a proper job.  Along the way I learned that my not getting hired was not due to my credit history, but a criminal charge I was completely unaware of.  Suffice to say, I now have a misdemeanor conviction for fraud, for which I am currently on probation.  I also have court costs and other fees to pay, but at least I'm not in jail.

In August, I narrowly escaped becoming homeless.  My therapist helped me apply for a berth in a reputable homeless shelter, but I needed someplace to crash until said berth opened up.  My friends Troy and River stepped up and let me stay in their spare bedroom for about a month.  Around the same time, River's dad entered the hospital.  He's 91, and suffers from a lot of things, but is hobbled by dementia.  I spent a night with him in the hospital, and we hit it off somewhat.  When he was released, he needed someone to stay with him 24/7, and I was asked to take on the job.  That gave me both a place to live and some income.

Having a base and spending money brought my femme self back out of the closet.  My housemate accepted me as a woman, and I've spent the last three months sliding back and forth between my personae.  I've presented myself as male when I needed to, as when I appeared in court, reported to my probation officer, etc, and have tried to spend the balance of my time en femme.  I've expanded my wardrobe, and made new friends and contacts.  I've met with a lot of acceptance, but also weathered a bit of ribbing and more recently, some nasty street harassment.  It's ironic.  In the last couple of weeks, a number of drivers or passengers have rolled alongside me to shout something, but they're going too fast or something, because I've not understood a word of it.  I hear the tones, and I know derogation when I hear it, but other than a muttered "faggot" and a lot of laughter, I haven't heard the substance of most of the slurs.  I guess my MP3 player is good for hearing protection after all.  ;)

Anyway, as I enter the new year, I find myself almost returned to my situation of a few months ago.  My aged companion has announced that he is ready (at long last) to enter assisted living, and when he goes, I will be back out on the street.  Maybe the shelter will still take me in.  I'm just not sure how I want to go.  When I first applied, I was looking at going into the male dorm.  All my feminine trappings were in storage, and I didn't know when I'd see them again.  I was willing to put up with that experience to keep a roof over my head.  After the freedom of this last season, I am not sure that I am willing to go without.  I don't think I am feminine enough to get a spot in the female dorms, but I don't know if I can put on the rough airs I might need to weather the male spaces, either.

Whatever happens in the near future, I will try to do better at updating this blog on a regular basis.

Back from the Brink

Just like that, I went a couple of months without updating the blog.  I didn't mean to leave it so long, it's just that there's been a lot going on, and I haven't always been able to shape my thoughts into something coherent, or that anyone would necessarily want to read.

Now, my head's a little clearer.  To say that the last couple of months have been eventful would be an understatement.  Mass Effect 3 was finally released, and it was okay.  Shortly after, I started getting meds again, and I'll hopefully be starting therapy soon.  A little over a month ago, my father died.  Last but not least, I've started going out and about again, interacting with folks in my feminine persona, and I've largely been accepted.  Is it any wonder I've had trouble making sense of it all?  I've laid it all out in chronological order, but I hope you'll forgive me if I jump around a bit.

I finally got around to seeing a case worker at the Apalachee Center at the end of February.  A couple of weeks after, I saw an ARNP, who gave me scrips for my previous medications, along with a new one, a drug called Abilify.  The drugs have helped banish most of my dark thoughts, but they haven't quite un-fogged my brain this time around.  I've got another appointment next week, and I'll see if they can adjust things.  I haven't made it into any therapy, mostly because I'm not sure where I fit into their programs.  When I first came to them last summer, I was jobless and nearly homeless.  Today I have a regular job, and make a little more money than their average patient.  Hopefully I'll find out something positive next week.

The next paragraph includes spoilers for the game Mass Effect 3.  If you haven't played the game, or don't want to know about it, skip the next few bits, and I'll try to signal you when I get past all that.

As you may have heard, Mass Effect 3 was released in March to much fanfare.  It is a great game, but it's a little hard for me to play, and not because the gameplay is difficult.  ME3 is the end of a series, and it's one of the darkest games I've ever played.  There is death and destruction of unparallelled levels; planets fall, people die in the millions, and even your own party members can die.  Worst of all, all but one of the possible endings includes the death of Commander Shepard, the hero.  That's tough.  After three games and countless hours of playing through to different ends and outcomes, I am Commander Shepard.  The people who die are my crew, my squadmates.  I felt their deaths as acutely as if they were real people.

Okay, anyone who checked out because of my video game nonsense can come back in now.

Dad died April 9th, of lung cancer.  Apparently, he went quietly, and not in pain.  Losing him hurts, but somehow it doesn't hurt as much as the way I learned of his death.  Dad apparently went into the hospital in mid-March.  He was there for about three weeks before the end.  His nurse called a couple of hours before, to let us know he had maybe a couple of days.  She called back less than two hours later to inform us of his passing.  I would've liked to know he was sick.  I might've been able to work out a way to visit him, had I known.  When I finally learned, I was broke (till payday, anyway) and not in a position to come to a funeral.

I've had a hard time grieving.  I've cried a little, but I'm emotionally worn.  I've been tired, irritable and somewhat emotional, and that's with the aid of antidepressants.  Who knows what a wreck I might be left to my own devices?

On a more positive note, as I mentioned before, I've been getting out a bit.  Two weeks ago I stepped out for a pedicure, my first since last year.  Last week I got out for a Tallahassee Atheist event, a rally in front of the Capitol in support of a National Day of Reason.  I remember joking with someone that being transgendered was more acceptable to some people than being an atheist.  I had a good time, and we had a nice dinner afterward.  It's nice to have friends and be part of something again.

Facebook: Actually Good for Something After All

I have gone on, at length in this blog about my love/hate relationship with Facebook.  Some of the changes they've made in the last year are mind-boggling (at least to me).  Don't get me started on they way they integrated chat with messaging.

In all the hubbub of the past week, I forgot an event I should make note of.  Last Monday I was scheduled to work the audit shift.  Due to the proverbial series of unfortunate events, all of my sister's vehicles were deadlined.  The last public bus running that way left around the time I discovered the cars were all out.  I didn't have the money for a taxi, and one of my managers said she could come to get me, but I'd have had to spring for gas.  As a last-ditch maneuver, I posted my situation on Facebook, and asked if anyone in my Tallahassee circle of friends could convey me to work.

The first comments to my Status update were people from parts elsewhere, wishing me luck, or telling me that if only they still lived in Tally, they'd be happy to take me.  After an hour of that, I began to despair of finding a ride.  Then I got a comment from one of my local friends, someone I befriended through the Tallahassee A's, but had yet to actually meet.  She asked me where I lived, where I had to go, and when I had to be there.  Over the next hour, we sorted all of that out, and she drove over a little after 10pm to pick me up.

I was pretty sure that I had posted at some point that I was skosh cash, but it ended up being somewhat of a surprise.  I have promised to buy her drinks at the next Skeptics' outing, or any other time she chooses, so we're sort of squared away.

So I got to meet someone who's pretty cool, and got a ride to work in the bargain.  I'd like to think that that might be the future of social networking: not merely for connecting people, but for helping them get the things they need.

Getting Back Into It All

I've gone almost a month without updating this blog.  I didn't mean to, but I have been busy.  I started that hotel job I wrote about, and that has consumed a lot of my time.  I spent most of the first two weeks training, learning about the new company and updating my computer training, but now I'm back to work full-time.  I like this company, and they seem to like me.  They certainly don't seem to mind asking me to work.  I've been asked to come in early, stay late, and fill in on otherwise off days, so long as I don't go into overtime.  They even asked me to come in and cover a couple of audit shifts, though they're not asking me to work those on a regular basis, because I don't want to work then.  No one I've worked for the last few years has been that accommodating of my wishes.  I'd definitely like to stay on here.

With work came my first paycheck in six months.  It didn't last very long, but it got me a few necessities, and also financed my first night out in a long time.  The Tallahassee A's crossover sometimes with a local skeptics group, and they have a monthly outing called Skeptics in the Pub, which is currently held at a local watering hole called The Fermentation Lounge.  Actually, calling the Ferm a hole of any kind is demeaning.  I've never had a bar that I thought of as mine, but the Fermentation Lounge is in the running to become mine in Tallahassee.  Keeping in mind that I recently began taking antidepressants, I resolved to keep my drinking to a mininum, and I was successful.  This isn't a bar where one can order Budweiser or similar more common beers.  They run more to local brews and home creations, and their selection varies almost from night to night.  They carry beer, wine and other beverages like cider and meads.  I started out drinking a brew I forgot the name of, but that tasted strongly of tangerines.  Afterwards I switched to cider, and I finished my night drinking non-alcoholic ginger beer.

Saturday night was supposed to be my first outing en femme, but I ran out of time getting ready, so I went out in my usual male guise.  It was a good time, though.  I got to see several people from the A's that I haven't seen for a couple of months, and I met some new people as well.  We had a good time talking about all sorts of things, and I went home happy.  I definitely need to do stuff like that more often.  I need to come out en femme the next time, if only to visually offset the overwhelming male majority on outings like these.

Taking a Little Vacation

The last few weeks have been rough.  When I last wrote, I was preparing to move out of my sister's house.  Or at least, I was preparing for my sister to move out of her house.  We spent a lot of days in June breaking down the house, packing things into boxes and readying other items for sale.  We started having a yard sale on the weekends, to raise money until my sister got the money she was waiting for.  We sold a lot that first week: an LCD television, two bed sets, a DVD player and most of the major kitchen appliances.  Yeah, they sold the refrigerator and the microwave on the first day of the sale, some three weeks before the scheduled move.

Two days after my last posts, the City of Tallahassee shut off the electricity.  My sister had just acquired thousands of dollars from various relatives, but she didn't use it to pay the light bill.  Those last six days and nights at the old house were hellish.  We'd work from sunrise to sunset doing whatever needed to be done, then it we'd sit in the house and read by candlelight.  I was already depressed, but losing electricity meant losing access to the internet, too, and my circle of friends shrunk from dozens to a mere handful.  Connected to the world by the web, I have many friends, scattered across six of the seven continents.  Without the web, I can count my friends on the fingers of one hand.

If you'll recall, I was waiting for an opportunity to move in with the gentleman I met through the Tallahassee Atheists group.  It was a tidy little setup.  He was offering me room and board in exchange for keeping up the yard around his house.  Do you remember that I thought the offer was too good to be true?  A couple of days into that last week, I called my friend to let him know that the move was taking longer than I'd thought.  I had been told that we'd be getting a moving truck on Monday of that week.  As it happened, we didn't get it until midday on Thursday.  I called to make sure we were still on, and told him I wouldn't be ready to move until Friday evening, or possibly Saturday morning.  All of my things were packed up, but I wasn't going to bail out on my sister until the move was done.  My friend had told me previously that he might be going out of town for the Fourth of July weekend, and when we talked, he told me that he'd wait for my call Saturday morning.

As it happens, we didn't finish the move until last Saturday afternoon, after my friend told me that he'd be going out of town.  I spent the weekend with my brother at the store in Havana.  It's a little cramped, but I've been able to get back online, and I've kept myself busy helping out with the store's operations.  On Tuesday (July 5th), I sent my friend a message on Facebook asking when would be a good time to call.  I never received a response.  On Wednesday I called, and the phone went to voicemail without ringing, which told me his phone was turned off.  I called again Thursday and the phone rang, but went to voicemail again.  I left another message indicating I was ready to move; I just needed to know when it was okay to come out to his house.  I never got a callback.

Yesterday my friend sent me a message on Facebook, saying that he never heard from me, so the room is no longer available.  He said he looked forward to seeing me at a future atheist function, and signed off.  I was so mad I could have walked out into traffic.  Obviously I didn't, but I thought about it.  This brings me to my next thought, and the point of this post.

I've been depressed for a long time, but I've never sought any kind of help for it.  This has been a mistake.  I should have reached out for professional help last year when my thoughts turned to suicide, but I thought I could keep myself away from the brink on my own.  I spent a couple of hours the other night talking with my sister and my brother.  My brother has suffered from depression in one form or another since he was seventeen.  It runs in my family: my grandfather suffered from post traumatic stress disorder and was an alcoholic; both of my uncles had problems with drugs and/or alcohol and one of them killed himself when I was eleven.  My mom had problems of that sort later in life, but they were overshadowed by her other health difficulties.  I can hardly imagine how she held it together all those years watching her children lurch from catastrophe to the next.  During the course of our discussion, I mentioned my misgivings about moving in with my friend.  He's a little paranoid, and has a house full of guns.  That's not the sort of environment I need to move into in my current circumstances.  My friend lives twelve miles outside of Tallahassee proper, and with no vehicle of my own, I'd have no way to get around on my own. so I'd be stuck out there, often all alone, with a house full of firearms and my black moods.

My sister is out of town this weekend.  I've been helping my brother keep shop, but I'm biding my time till she returns.  Monday or Tuesday next week, I'm going to do something about my depression and thoughts of suicide.  I've got neither a job, nor insurance, nor money of my own, so I'm going to the emergency room at the hospital.  My brother has done this in the past.  I'll tell them what's been going on and we'll see what happens.  They might admit me for a few days, so I can talk to a doctor, and undergo tests, and maybe get some medication.  Because I'm essentially indigent, I'll see if I qualify for Medicaid, which is paid out of the deductions from my wages from every job I've held since the age of fifteen.  I may as well get some use out of it.  I might be offline for a few days after this, but I'll be sure to report my condition after I get back.

Developing Stories

Apart from the aside about embracing advertising, my last post was full of doom and gloom.  I haven't solved all of my problems yet, but there has been some progress.

Friday my sister and her husband signed an intent to purchase agreement for a new house (new to them, anyway).  It's a big place on a couple of acres, with a pool and some of the trimmings, but it won't be ready for them to move into until August, probably.  They won't have to leave their current place until the first of July, almost two weeks from now.  The new place doesn't really have room for me, so I'm still hunting.  I'm going to the atheist meeting tomorrow, to see the only other people I know in Tallahassee.  Hopefully someone will have a lead for me.  Sara, I've tried to contact the Big Bend Homeless Coalition.  I called every few minutes for hours one day, and only ever got the admin assistant's voice mail.  As Malcolm Reynolds once put it, "I ain't waiting for help from on high.  That's a long wait for a train don't come."  I'll get through this one way or another.

On a positive note, I had another interview Friday afternoon.  I feel the best about this interview of any of them.  If I get it, I'll be going back on the night shift and working Sunday to Thursday.  I'll have weekends free for stuff again.  I really hope to hear from these people again next week.

Where I Stand

No more hemming and hawing.  No dissembling allowed here.

Once again I find myself in a hole that I do not know how to dig my way out of.  In short: I need help.  I am unsure how to get the help I need, and am even less certain of whom to ask or how to ask them.

As I have previously stated, I have been out of work since February.  I have filled out numerous applications, e-mailed resumes and made phone calls.  After four months, I still have nothing to show for my efforts.

I was kicked out of the guest house I had been renting in March.  Since that time I've been sleeping on a mattress at my sister's house.  It's not been a perfect solution, but I've had a roof over my head, food to eat and net access.  This situation is, alas, coming to an end.

My sister and her husband have been renting a double-wide trailer since December.  It's cramped and nothing works like it should.  After months of disputes with their landlord, they have elected to move out, but they have yet to secure another permanent place to live.  They've been hashing out alternatives including hotel rooms and campgrounds.  None of these is exactly cheap, but it's better than nothing.  The problem for me, in this situation, is that prices for these places go up incrementally in relation to how many people are staying in them.  My sister has eight children and a manny, plus two dogs and five inside/outside cats.  That doesn't leave a lot of leeway for me.  In another seven days or so, I won't have a place to live.

This is quickly becoming the story of my life: I live for a time in a place until circumstances make it impossible to live there anymore, and I end up having to move away and start all over again someplace new.  That's what happened in 2007, when I moved back to Virginia from Charlotte, North Carolina.  January 2010 found me reluctantly moving to from Portsmouth, Virginia to Tallahassee, Florida.  I've considered moving again, either back to Virginia or to Charlotte.  I have pleasant memories and a few friends left in each location.  This should be easy, right?

Sometime before I came to Florida, my father had told me I could live with him and his new wife.  That was before he permanently moved in with her in Elizabeth City, North Carolina.  Since they've been married, my father has grown somewhat distant.  I haven't talked to him since last spring, and any contact we've had has been initiated by me.  Sometime between then and now, Dad dropped off of my Facebook friend list.  I tried to call him yesterday just to talk.  I wasn't going to ask for money or anything stupid like that; I just wanted advice from my father.  No one answered the phone, and no one has returned my call.  Dad hasn't been the same since Mom died, but I'd hate to think that he doesn't want to associate with me anymore.

Because I've been out of work so long, I've got no money.  I also have no transportation.  I've been told that if I can secure a place in either location, or indeed anywhere, that I will be able to get a ride to wherever I'm going.  That is cool, but it's not much of a plan.  I am tired of being rudderless.  I just don't know what to do.  Does anyone have an idea?  A word of friendly advice?  Please let me know.

Out and About

Today I attended my first meeting of the Tallahassee Atheists.  That was a nice little hike, 3.7 miles.  It only took about an hour.  The meeting was held (for the last time) in a little storefront called The Divine Union.  Next month we're moving our functions to the All Saints Cafe.  The irony of a humanist group meeting in places with religious names is not lost on anyone.  There were about eight people there.  This was my first time, but I was recognized immediately.  I connected with the group through Facebook, where I am only known in my femme persona, but I attended the meeting in drab because of the heat and the distance of the walk.  Once I explained my situation, no one thought I was weird, which was a relief.

We didn't talk about much, just plans for founding a local secular community center, and some local political stuff.  Did you know that Florida's governor, Rick Scott, has the lowest approval rating of any governor in all the fifty states?  Yeah, it's down to 29%.  I haven't had a lot of time to absorb the local political atmosphere, and I learned quite a bit.  After that, we discussed the move to All Saints, plans for next month's movie night (Monty Python's Life of Brian) and plans for a barbeque, which ended up getting folded in with movie night, for an all-day affair.  There were refreshments, donuts and a Japanese snack called Daifuku mochi.  This is a rice cake stuffed with flavored red bean paste.  The one I sampled was flavored with peanut butter.  I've had all manner of peanut butter snacks, but this had the strangest texture I've ever experienced.  I won't try to gross anyone out by trying to describe that texture, but it triggered a moment of cognitive dissonance.  At least, I think that's the proper word.

Afterward, one of the members was generous enough to spot me lunch, and another gave me a ride home, and said he was willing to do so in future.  All around this was a really nice bunch of people.  It was nice to spend time with my own kind, so to speak.

Some News

Another month goes by without a post from me.  I wish I could say I've been busy, but the truth is I didn't want to post anything here until I had something meaningful to say.  I hope today's missive fills the bill.

I went to another job interview yesterday.  Yes, I went to a job interview on Saturday.  I thought it a little odd, but the unemployed don't complain about interview times.  I was happy just to have been called in for one.  I feel good about this one.  It's another hotel position, this time at a hotel in Quincy, which is about half an hour west of here.  They told me I can expect a call next week, Monday or Tuesday.

On the social side of things, I've made some new friends via Facebook.  One of them has put me in an awkward spot, though.  A couple of weeks ago, Keith Olbermann activated a fan page on FB for his forthcoming show on Current TV.  Shortly after that, I got a Friend Request from another fan.  I've built friendships out of less substantial connections than shared love of a celebrity, so I accepted the request.  My new friend is a gentleman in New York.  We've chatted online a couple of times, and the chats are a little disturbing (to me, anyway).  He's only seen the handful of photos I have online.  He knows I'm transgendered, but I think he's under the impression that I'm full-time.  I wish I was, but I'm not at a place in my life where that is yet feasible.  In our chats he's been hinting at wanting something romantic.  He said something the other night about "spooning while we watch the fireworks" on July 4th.  He seems like a nice guy, but I'm not looking for a relationship, not even a long-distance one.  I don't want to lead him on, either.  I'm not a gold-digger.  His attention is flattering, but how can I let him down easy?

All I Want, And Some Random Notes

Here's another post about music. Faced with a month of having to listen to holiday-themed music, I decided to knuckle down and try to enjoy some of it. Surprise! I actually like some of this stuff, and have downloaded it. The aforementioned "Greensleeved" was the first candidate. Then came some of the Vince Guaraldi Charlie Brown stuff. My job isn't set up to play classical music, so I never hear any of the Mannheim Steamroller or Trans-Siberian Orchestra material, but I decided to get some of them too. Heck, hearing them on the job reintroduced me to The Smithereens, who were a favorite in high school that I lost touch with. I'd have never figured them for recording a Christmas album, but they did. I got their "Christmas Time All Over the World", but also "House We Used to Live In" (apt with the move) and "A Girl Like You".

Imogen Heap has NOT recorded any Christmas music, at least not directly. Her "Just For Now" is remarkably apropos, though:

It's that time of year
Leave all our hopelessnesses aside
If just for a little while
tears stop right here
I know we've all had a bumpy ride.
I'm secretly on your side.

There's a neat live version here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25VGdNU3nrU

(I'd embed, but the business center computer at work is a little basic, running an older version of Firefox, so I don't have access to all the current tools. *SIGH*)

I'm still not installed in the new place, mostly due to lack of access to a vehicle during the day. I've got to move soon, though. The power's going to be turned off soon in the current place, and I'd hate to be stuck here while the night time temps are in the low 20s (not unusual for the season, except this is Florida).

Over the weekend Bioware released a teaser for Mass Effect 3, with delivery slated for next Xmas. I thought ME2 was dark, but the spot makes the next installment seem especially grim. I still very much want to play it.

Sara, if you're out there still, I'd very much like to chat with you. Blogger still says your profile is private, which means I can't see your email address. Mine isn't, so please feel free to drop me a line. PLEASE?!? It's lonely out here, and knowing there's someone else close by but out of reach is maddening, and I don't need any help in that area, if you know what I mean. I could really use a friend right now.

After Another Long Hiatus

I have returned. I've been logging in periodically to read and comment on others' blogs, but I haven't felt much like posting. I've done some comment moderation. I wish I could say I was surprised, but the only commenters these last three weeks or so have been spammers planting links to their Chinese-language chat/porn sites.

The last weeks have been eventful, and yet not. I called Dad on Father's Day and found him in the hospital, down with a bout of near-fatal septicemia. That's when an infection gets into your bloodstream, and in his case it had gotten to both his heart and brain. While recovering from that, he had both a heart attack and a stroke. His life is no longer in imminent danger, but his health problems brought to the surface the long-seething conflict between my brother and my stepmother. Thermonuclear war would be less destructive. I wish there could be peace between them, but I don't think it's going to happen.

Back in May I wrote a little about suicide. I am sorry to report that my consideration of that has continued. Some days it's just not worth getting out of bed. I broke down and called a good friend, and she told me that suicide ideation can lead to actual suicide. She went on to suggest that I call a suicide hotline, if for no other reason than to find a counselor to speak to. The young woman who answered the phone talked to me for a bit, though she seemed a little out of her depth. She did give me the number of a counselor who billed on a sliding scale. That, I am sorry to say was less than productive. She started off by asking me about my religious affiliation, if I was "right with Jesus". I told her I was an atheist, and the discussion went downhill from there. I thanked her for her time and hung up. Then I called my friend back. Friends who love are always better than any quack sitting in an office.

On that note, I re-connected with one of my oldest friends via Facebook last weekend. She's the only friend from my teenage years that I didn't go to school with. We were also an on-again, off-again romantic thing, the closest thing in my life to "friends with benefits". I can say without equivocation that the best sex I ever had was with her. We hadn't talked on the phone in almost seven years, and I haven't seen her in more than ten, but talking to her, it was almost as though no time had passed. Naturally, she's in a relationship, and I won't interfere with that. What does it say about me that I would if she wanted me to?

Work is both stressful and sustaining. I'm finally getting forty-hour weeks, but it's meant taking on a 1500-2300 shift, and I always get that on the heels of working 2300-0700. I've always preferred double shifts to working back-t0-back, but the extra money is nice. I've been able to do a little shopping, which has helped me feel more like myself. I bought myself a couple of sleepshirts (one has the art from U2's War on the front) and got a manicure and pedicure last week. The new color is Nicole by OPI's Jade in the Shade, if anyone cares.

On top of all the other stressful events, Spot died last week. I don't know what got him, but he hadn't been "right" since the middle of June. We had to put all the animals outside one morning while we flea-bombed the house, and Spot did his best to try to get away and walkabout. A couple of days later he got out of the house somehow, and didn't turn up until early evening. He didn't have any visible wounds, and I gave him a bath just in case. His behavior changed. He wouldn't hang out in my bedroom much, and took to hiding in cabinets or up on shelves. Last Sunday I realized that I'd gone all day and hadn't seen him. I found him on top of the dresser in one of my nieces' bedrooms. I gave him food and water, and after a time he moved into the bathroom and laid on the tiles. He got up occasionally to shift position, but he didn't leave the bathroom at all. He was lying there peacefully when I left for work Monday night, and I found him in the same place Tuesday morning when I returned. His breathing was rapid and shallow. I spent some time cuddling with him, then laid down for a nap. I woke in the afternoon to find he was gone. We buried him deep in a hole in the backyard. I loved that cat with every fiber of my being, and I like to believe he loved me back. He will be missed.

That said, I got my pick of the kittens remaining from Twilight and Freckles' litters, and I chose the one that seemed to like me best. He's sleeping in the space between the keyboard and monitor as I type this. I haven't settled on a name for him yet. I might ask for some help here before too long.

Anyway, I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm still kicking down here.

Looking Up, Looking Back

The last week has been a little more exciting than a lot of those preceding. Sunday we went to Carrabelle Beach. I presented male, and wore swim trunks and a baggy tee shirt. I got waist-deep in the ocean and decided I'd had enough. I then spent the rest of the afternoon reading and taking pictures.

Monday I went out and put in some more job applications. I also received a call about an interview at a hotel where I applied more than a month ago.

Tuesday I went to the interview. It went great for the first twenty minutes or so. As long as we chatted about my experience and some of the skills I have, I was fine. Then the GM asked me about a specific situation, and I imploded. I could not recall in any detail a single incident that could illustrate my skills. He then asked me for a different example, and I couldn't remember a damned thing! I could (and do) remember a whole slew of negative experiences, but the memories of all the people I've helped and taken care of evaporated. The rest of the interview was perfunctory stuff. He told me about the company, and their benefits, and whatnot, and said they'd make a decision by Friday. Needless to say, I did not hear from them yesterday.

Wednesday and Thursday were mostly idle days, with my usual patterns of sleep, internet and Xbox broken only by running some errands with Nate.

I did get a phone call Friday afternoon, but not from the people I saw on Tuesday. It was another interview request, this time for next Monday. It's from a chain I have worked with before, but don't list on my resume. It was not a happy experience. That was seven years ago, though. I'm willing to let bygones be, in the service of finding myself gainfully employed again. This idleness is killing me.

Somewhere in the middle I saw my new trans "friend" again. She creeps me out, and illustrates all the reasons why they have steps a person is supposed to follow, and why. I mentioned before that she's taking hormones without regular supervision from a doctor. She told me that when I'm ready to start my own therapy, to let her know, and she'll hook me up with a doctor who will provide me, up front, with a year's prescription for maximum-dose hormones. This doctor is reportedly located in the nearby (and aptly named) town of Panacea. Talking to the lady makes my skin crawl. I don't like to take strong pain meds without they say-so of a doctor; why would I risk any sort of damage by fooling around with estrogen?

A positive outcome of that encounter was that I had the longest talk ever with Nate about being trans. He still can't quite get his head around it, but I think he was reassured that we feel the same way about this other person.

Another Year Gone

As of 12/29, this blog is officially a year old. What a year!

A lot of other blogs I've been reading are loaded down with "Top" and "Best" lists, and even a few "Worsts", but I don't have any of that. We're all grown-ups here, so I'll leave opinions of good and bad to those who want to have them. My personal experience is a seemingly random jumble of good and bad. It was a good year for family and friends, but a bad year for work. I tried to move forward in my transition by coming out at work, but I was whacked on the nose with an employee handbook and forced to take two steps back. Acceptance and tolerance turned into rejection and prejudice.

This year is ending in uncertainty, but I find myself looking forward with longing to next year. Changes are coming, big and small. I've talked a little recently about moving to Florida. For a while, I dreaded the idea of moving again, away from all I know and love, but the prospect of beginning again in a (really) new place has an attraction that I wasn't prepared for. Yeah, I'd be moving away from all my friends, but what is this internet thing for, if not for maintaining contact between friends over long distances? It's not as though I'll be gone forever. For all my love of home, I am also cursed with the urge to wander. I think I'll give this thing a year. If things don't come together to my satisfaction within a year's time, I'll come back.

Happy Holidays!

I just want to wish everyone a happy holiday. I'll be spending most of mine at home. I get to watch my nephews unwrap gifts (I will take pictures, I promise), then crash till sometime in the evening, when Nate has promised a magnificent feast. Then it's back to work again. I get to work all this weekend and next, so no New Year's parties for me. I'll just have to appreciate what I've got.

Anyway, I hope all of you enjoy your time today.

PS - I was going to write something about religion, based on a quote a friend posted on Facebook, but I'll wait until after the holiday. I'll leave everyone in peace for another twenty-four hours.

Workin' for a Livin'

I wrote a little about working with De on Sunday. Yesterday we rolled back out to Kathleen's to finish the work on the dock. Some of you may remember me writing about the storm that rolled through last month. During said storm, tides on the river rose so high that Kathleen's floating pier floated off of its pilings and landed on the dock. We fabricated a superstructure for raising the height of the pilings, so that future flooding won't loose the pier. It's not my usual kind of work. It's kind of ironic. I'm trans, and I got together with a trans friend to do supposedly macho work for another trans friend.

After the pier was finished, we hauled a chair from Kathleen's house to Bud's apartment in Norfolk. Bud has the cutest long-haired cat, a critter named "Monkey". Monkey was a little skittish around strangers, but I am an instinctive cat person, and we hit it off almost immediately. I forgot how therapeutic stroking a long-haired cat could be. Monkey liked it. I liked it. I had a hard time walking away. The endorphin rush was HUGE. It left me breathless.

(Yes, I realize I've made petting a cat sound like sex, but I couldn't help myself.)

That Was the Week That Was

It's been a long, long week. Long and stressful. The hotel is as slack as I have ever seen it, even going into a holiday season. The owner's a tight-fisted bastard, so they've been steadily cutting everyone's hours. A month ago, I was working forty-hour weeks. Then they cut me down to thirty-nine hours, so I couldn't get any overtime. I could live with that. Thirty-nine hours became thirty-six, then thirty-four. I came into work two nights ago and found the schedule posted for next week. They'd cut me down to three nights and twenty-two hours. There's no way I can pay my bills on those kind of hours, so the job search has begun anew. While my bosses were looking for ways to save, our business picked up next week, in a big way, so I got another night and about ten hours back, but my days with this place are numbered.

On the positive side of things, I spent Monday helping De move some furniture for some friends, and I picked up some extra cash along the way. The friends live in Norfolk over by the base, so in between loads I was treated to flybys by E-2 Hawkeyes, C-2 Greyhounds and assorted fast movers. Towards the end of the day, De dropped a closet on the back of my head, but I'm okay now.

The rest of the week is a blur to me. Work sucked, and I whiled away my down-time on the net, or reading, and slept a lot. I'm reading Tanith Lee's Piratica , which is a delightful fantasy. Bioware churned out a couple new videos promoting Mass Effect 2, which can't come out soon enough (January 26, 2010, if anyone's counting).

Saturday was my GEM meeting. I haven't been for a couple of months, and once again, there were some new faces. It's always nice to see new people. We had a potluck dinner, and Kathleen did the most awesome chicken legs.

Today I was back at Kathleen's with De working on a floating pier. There was no airshow on this outing, but the display of waterfowl was stunning. There were ducks, geese, cormorants, gulls, a pelican and a number of snowy egrets.

Now I'm watching Robin Williams on HBO and preparing for bed. I'm going back to Kathleen's tomorrow to help De finish the pier modifications.

Another Year

Last night my friends and I marked the eleventh Transgender Day of Remembrance. We marched down Brambleton Avenue in Norfolk from Scope down to the Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial (an obelisk), carrying the signs we made Wednesday. My friend Tracy and a lady named Vega read off the names of the fallen, then we walked back to Scope and adjourned to TACT for refreshments.

There weren't any ugly incidents while we were out. There was an old homeless man we encountered on the way back. I think he wanted to get to know some of us better, but he eventually went on his way. I did get a couple of nice complements on my outfit. I wore my purple sweater from Dots with a grey plaid skirt and purple tights, with a pair of black l.e.i. boots I scored at a thrift store in Churchland last year.

I got lost a couple of times heading to TACT. For some reason, I thought it might be reasonably close to where we marched. It was way, way down Granby Street, almost in Ocean View. I got there just in time for a quick snack and a sit-down with Julian and LLLLL before they kicked us out. I went home and changed for work. Nate had cooked while I was out: barbecue chicken and rice. And he baked brownies! I had one before I came to work, and it was incredible.

Thinking of You

Yes, I'm thinking about you, and it's driving me crazy. So crazy, in fact, that I'm having trouble hammering this out. But I promised I'd write about it in the blog, and here it is.

I'm flattered by your attention, and flustered by it all at the same time. I've got friends, but no one I've met in a long time has been so fascinated with me. It's an ego booster, but it makes me insecure at the same time. I feel like everyone is looking at me, even if it's only one person. I'm accustomed to being something of a spectacle out in public, but it's different feeling that way behind closed doors, with the person who's looking at me 200 and some miles away.

There's more I want to say, but I can't articulate it right now, not with my mind in such disarray. There'll be more when I can compose myself better.

What a Weekend!

I told y'all in my next-to-last post that I lucked into a weekend off. I put said weekend to good use. Friday I rested, then stayed up to watch the premiere of Stargate: Universe and Real Time with Bill Maher.

Saturday morning, I cruised through the monthly neighborhood flea market and bumped into an old, old friend. The flea market itself yielded a mother lode of teeny, tiny model airplanes, which will soon be winging their way around the world to various friends who collect them.

Saturday evening I attended my second consecutive GEM (Gender Expression Movement). I like the new name. Before going to the meeting, I checked out the nail salon in my neighborhood, and got them to wax my eyebrows. They're now higher and more prominently arched than they've ever been before. The meeting was a little different, from previous, in that LLLLL presided over the meeting, instead of De. We spent a couple of hours going around the room talking about everyone's perceptions of sex and gender. By the time my turn came up, I felt like everything I feel had already been said (a cop-out, I know).

Sunday I was set to go back to work, but Athens Boys Choir were performing at the Hershee Bar in Norfolk, and I had to go. The show was awesome! On top of that, I saw some old friends, met some new people and had a good time.

Another Dispatch

I've been away from my computer at home since Monday, and I've only snuck into the business center at work for a quick update, in case anyone thought I'd fallen down a well or something.

Monday afternoon Nate was in a car accident. His job was ending this week (yesterday in fact) and his boss decided to treat his employees to lunch. Nate was in the back seat of one of two vehicles on the way to said lunch. Turning into the restaurant parking lot, their vehicle was struck by a car trying to beat the traffic signal. Their car was flipped around 180 degrees or so and slammed into a concrete signpost. Nate dislocated his left shoulder and suffered a torn ACL in his left knee. Fortunately, the other driver's insurance will cover it all. Nate was okay, just a little shaken.

Tuesday Nate was off, and Wednesday he was laid off.

On the positive side of things, my supervisor is trying to be more accomodating at work, and she scheduled me off Friday and Saturday this weekend. This means I can attend my support group meeting for the second month in a row! I'm also going to try to attend the Athens Boys Choir show at the Hershee on Sunday before work, so it should be a fun weekend.

Note: I'll be sticking with pants for my outing this weekend. ;)