Gee, that was a long time coming, wasn't it?
I managed to survive from February to July at the Good Samaritan House at Westgate. This is a Christian-run facility for homeless men. Yep, I put away my feminine things for a time and went undercover, as it were, into an all-male community. That was the longest five months of my life.
Early in April, I started working as a helper for my friend Rob Mulcahey at his business, R & S Floors. That has been an adventure, and not always the fun and exciting kind. It has brought me money, which has allowed me to move into a new place. Back before this situation arose, my therapist told me of Apalachee Center's Satellite Apartments. The rent is cheap, but one needs a source of income, which I didn't have at the time. As of the middle of July, this is no longer the case, and I happily reside there.
Because I work Monday to Friday, I spend most of those days in dude mode, but I have my weekends free to be myself. Those two days a week en femme are liberating, to say the least. I'd love to discuss all this with my therapist, but she has been on indefinite leave since just before I moved. I don't know when she'll return, and this has begun to worry me. It's been a little more than three years since my depression landed me in the hospital, and after all this time I am no closer to my goal (transition) than I was then. The situation has to move forward, or I'm going to have to find another place to support me.
Anyway, I'll post more (and in more detail soon).
Showing posts with label struggle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label struggle. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Six Months
Today marks six months (to the day) since I lost my last job. I've had three interviews in as many weeks, but none of them have amounted to anything. One of the jobs did lead to a job offer, but then I didn't pass their background check. Apparently credit checks are now employers' great equalizer. Never mind that poor pay and unemployment contribute to people getting behind on their bills. Bad credit means one is not trustworthy, so these checks are used to deny employment. Big, theatrical SIGH.
It's also been almost three months since the last time I got out of doors en femme. My therapist has been waiting for me to come back to her dressed, but the opportunity hasn't really presented itself. Next week I might make the effort, if only to see if my makeup can withstand the wicked humidity we get here. I wasn't sure I could last this long, but my ongoing unemployment has altered the limits of everything I feel that I might have to endure.
Not all my news is bad. I was at Apalachee Center a couple of weeks back getting a scrip refilled, and I stepped onto a scale in the nurse's office. I'm down to 185 pounds. That's the lightest I have been since high school. I'm still a tetch over what I should be according to the Body Mass Index, but if I can keep the rest off, a tetch is acceptable.
It's also been almost three months since the last time I got out of doors en femme. My therapist has been waiting for me to come back to her dressed, but the opportunity hasn't really presented itself. Next week I might make the effort, if only to see if my makeup can withstand the wicked humidity we get here. I wasn't sure I could last this long, but my ongoing unemployment has altered the limits of everything I feel that I might have to endure.
Not all my news is bad. I was at Apalachee Center a couple of weeks back getting a scrip refilled, and I stepped onto a scale in the nurse's office. I'm down to 185 pounds. That's the lightest I have been since high school. I'm still a tetch over what I should be according to the Body Mass Index, but if I can keep the rest off, a tetch is acceptable.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
The Search Continues
After last week's upset, I thought I might stumble in my job search. Not to worry. I've filled out at least one application nearly every day since then, and I had an interview this morning, with another lined up (with a different employer) tomorrow morning. I'm going to beat this. As with everything else, there is no way but forward.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Definitely Not
All that fuss of a few weeks ago turned out for nought. I went back to the business to see exactly what had become of my application/background check, and was told that I had been declined, based on something discovered in the course of the check. They declined to hire me, based on the findings of an anonymous third-party agency. When I asked why, they couldn't tell me, so it's all on the anonymous agency.
That's okay. I didn't want to work there anyway.
Bullshit. I'd take anything on offer at this point. Crap jobs, shit jobs (and there is a difference), anything available, so long as they pay something.
The last time I was out of work this long, I started thinking about self-harm. That's enough of that.
That's okay. I didn't want to work there anyway.
Bullshit. I'd take anything on offer at this point. Crap jobs, shit jobs (and there is a difference), anything available, so long as they pay something.
The last time I was out of work this long, I started thinking about self-harm. That's enough of that.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Pulling the Plug
I don't know if anyone still reads this thing, but I am thinking of quitting. My writing has been the most sporadic since I started this thing, despite almost my almost universal access to the web. It's not that I don't have anything else to say; it's just that I don't know if anyone is reading the blog. My last few posts generated a little feedback on Facebook, and a few of them have picked up +1s from Google+, but I don't think anyone is reading the actual blog. I haven't fielded a single comment all year, and that hurts.
I realize that I began this blog as yet another trans blog (did you know there is an actual Yet Another Trans Girl Blog out there?) in a crowd that was already jam-packed. Starting a blog was not the wellspring of inspiration I thought it would be. I thought that having an outlet for my writing would be enough, and for a time it was. My Muse bailed on me, though, and lately I have lacked the will to scale Parnassus to find her. See what I just wrote there? I CAN do this, it's just grown so damned hard. I could write, ad infinitum, about my ongoing love of video games, but I've gotten the sense no one wants to read that stuff here. There are scores of dedicated gamer blogs, blessedly unencumbered by the author's gender identity hang-ups. Ditto for any of the other things that have captured my fancy over the years. There are other sources for that stuff. Anything new to see here? Probably not.
The end of this blog isn't set in stone or anything. I just need to know if I still have an audience. I'm likely to write a little something later this month, if for no other reason because Bioware are releasing a new downloadable content pack for Mass Effect 3, and I may feel compelled to say a little something about it. If anyone actually is still reading me, please, please drop me a line. I'd even accept a well-worded rant at this point.
I realize that I began this blog as yet another trans blog (did you know there is an actual Yet Another Trans Girl Blog out there?) in a crowd that was already jam-packed. Starting a blog was not the wellspring of inspiration I thought it would be. I thought that having an outlet for my writing would be enough, and for a time it was. My Muse bailed on me, though, and lately I have lacked the will to scale Parnassus to find her. See what I just wrote there? I CAN do this, it's just grown so damned hard. I could write, ad infinitum, about my ongoing love of video games, but I've gotten the sense no one wants to read that stuff here. There are scores of dedicated gamer blogs, blessedly unencumbered by the author's gender identity hang-ups. Ditto for any of the other things that have captured my fancy over the years. There are other sources for that stuff. Anything new to see here? Probably not.
The end of this blog isn't set in stone or anything. I just need to know if I still have an audience. I'm likely to write a little something later this month, if for no other reason because Bioware are releasing a new downloadable content pack for Mass Effect 3, and I may feel compelled to say a little something about it. If anyone actually is still reading me, please, please drop me a line. I'd even accept a well-worded rant at this point.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Some Developments
I thought I should provide an update, what with things moving so erratically of late.
It would appear that I did not get the job. I thought it was my best interview yet, but a week has passed, and I've received no phone calls. I really wanted to work there, too. It would have made the rest of this easy, going forward.
After weeks of being poor like me, my sister has come into some money. She's buying a car this weekend, because her truck crapped out. If I had gotten this position, she and her husband were going to help me get one as well. They still might get another vehicle, but I won't have any claim on it, unless they allow me to use it.
I think I've found a place to live, at least in the short-term. One of my friends in Tallahassee Atheists has a spare room, and he's willing to let me live there in exchange for working on his yard. He's offering room and board, and all I have to do is mow his lawn and keep up the yard. Sounds like a steal, right? His property is about three acres. I'll certainly be earning my keep if I move out there.
I made some changes over on Facebook. I changed my profile picture to one of me in my current guise, id est, I'm male. I backtracked all the trans information out of my publicly-accessible profile and hid all of my femme photos. It's both honest (who I am on the outside) and dishonest (lying to myself and everyone else). I'm just in a rough space at the moment. I'm not sure what I am anymore. I keep saying I'm going to trek down the road to the local Leon County Health Department office to see if I can get any help, but I've yet to do so. If I move in with my friend, I won't be able to do that anymore, as he lives eight miles outside of Tally proper.
Anyway, enough about the depressing stuff. I didn't notice when I changed the format, but the wallpaper image used with this template is a painting of the view out the window of some large jet. I like that. It implies movement, a feeling of going somewhere (and not in a handbasket).
In the midst of everything that's happened the last few weeks, my old friends at Bioware released a bunch of information about Mass Effect 3, set to debut next March. It's silly, but if nothing else, seeing this game trilogy to its conclusion gives me something to live for. One of the trailers is below.
It would appear that I did not get the job. I thought it was my best interview yet, but a week has passed, and I've received no phone calls. I really wanted to work there, too. It would have made the rest of this easy, going forward.
After weeks of being poor like me, my sister has come into some money. She's buying a car this weekend, because her truck crapped out. If I had gotten this position, she and her husband were going to help me get one as well. They still might get another vehicle, but I won't have any claim on it, unless they allow me to use it.
I think I've found a place to live, at least in the short-term. One of my friends in Tallahassee Atheists has a spare room, and he's willing to let me live there in exchange for working on his yard. He's offering room and board, and all I have to do is mow his lawn and keep up the yard. Sounds like a steal, right? His property is about three acres. I'll certainly be earning my keep if I move out there.
I made some changes over on Facebook. I changed my profile picture to one of me in my current guise, id est, I'm male. I backtracked all the trans information out of my publicly-accessible profile and hid all of my femme photos. It's both honest (who I am on the outside) and dishonest (lying to myself and everyone else). I'm just in a rough space at the moment. I'm not sure what I am anymore. I keep saying I'm going to trek down the road to the local Leon County Health Department office to see if I can get any help, but I've yet to do so. If I move in with my friend, I won't be able to do that anymore, as he lives eight miles outside of Tally proper.
Anyway, enough about the depressing stuff. I didn't notice when I changed the format, but the wallpaper image used with this template is a painting of the view out the window of some large jet. I like that. It implies movement, a feeling of going somewhere (and not in a handbasket).
In the midst of everything that's happened the last few weeks, my old friends at Bioware released a bunch of information about Mass Effect 3, set to debut next March. It's silly, but if nothing else, seeing this game trilogy to its conclusion gives me something to live for. One of the trailers is below.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Developing Stories
Apart from the aside about embracing advertising, my last post was full of doom and gloom. I haven't solved all of my problems yet, but there has been some progress.
Friday my sister and her husband signed an intent to purchase agreement for a new house (new to them, anyway). It's a big place on a couple of acres, with a pool and some of the trimmings, but it won't be ready for them to move into until August, probably. They won't have to leave their current place until the first of July, almost two weeks from now. The new place doesn't really have room for me, so I'm still hunting. I'm going to the atheist meeting tomorrow, to see the only other people I know in Tallahassee. Hopefully someone will have a lead for me. Sara, I've tried to contact the Big Bend Homeless Coalition. I called every few minutes for hours one day, and only ever got the admin assistant's voice mail. As Malcolm Reynolds once put it, "I ain't waiting for help from on high. That's a long wait for a train don't come." I'll get through this one way or another.
On a positive note, I had another interview Friday afternoon. I feel the best about this interview of any of them. If I get it, I'll be going back on the night shift and working Sunday to Thursday. I'll have weekends free for stuff again. I really hope to hear from these people again next week.
Friday my sister and her husband signed an intent to purchase agreement for a new house (new to them, anyway). It's a big place on a couple of acres, with a pool and some of the trimmings, but it won't be ready for them to move into until August, probably. They won't have to leave their current place until the first of July, almost two weeks from now. The new place doesn't really have room for me, so I'm still hunting. I'm going to the atheist meeting tomorrow, to see the only other people I know in Tallahassee. Hopefully someone will have a lead for me. Sara, I've tried to contact the Big Bend Homeless Coalition. I called every few minutes for hours one day, and only ever got the admin assistant's voice mail. As Malcolm Reynolds once put it, "I ain't waiting for help from on high. That's a long wait for a train don't come." I'll get through this one way or another.
On a positive note, I had another interview Friday afternoon. I feel the best about this interview of any of them. If I get it, I'll be going back on the night shift and working Sunday to Thursday. I'll have weekends free for stuff again. I really hope to hear from these people again next week.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Where I Stand
No more hemming and hawing. No dissembling allowed here.
Once again I find myself in a hole that I do not know how to dig my way out of. In short: I need help. I am unsure how to get the help I need, and am even less certain of whom to ask or how to ask them.
As I have previously stated, I have been out of work since February. I have filled out numerous applications, e-mailed resumes and made phone calls. After four months, I still have nothing to show for my efforts.
I was kicked out of the guest house I had been renting in March. Since that time I've been sleeping on a mattress at my sister's house. It's not been a perfect solution, but I've had a roof over my head, food to eat and net access. This situation is, alas, coming to an end.
My sister and her husband have been renting a double-wide trailer since December. It's cramped and nothing works like it should. After months of disputes with their landlord, they have elected to move out, but they have yet to secure another permanent place to live. They've been hashing out alternatives including hotel rooms and campgrounds. None of these is exactly cheap, but it's better than nothing. The problem for me, in this situation, is that prices for these places go up incrementally in relation to how many people are staying in them. My sister has eight children and a manny, plus two dogs and five inside/outside cats. That doesn't leave a lot of leeway for me. In another seven days or so, I won't have a place to live.
This is quickly becoming the story of my life: I live for a time in a place until circumstances make it impossible to live there anymore, and I end up having to move away and start all over again someplace new. That's what happened in 2007, when I moved back to Virginia from Charlotte, North Carolina. January 2010 found me reluctantly moving to from Portsmouth, Virginia to Tallahassee, Florida. I've considered moving again, either back to Virginia or to Charlotte. I have pleasant memories and a few friends left in each location. This should be easy, right?
Sometime before I came to Florida, my father had told me I could live with him and his new wife. That was before he permanently moved in with her in Elizabeth City, North Carolina. Since they've been married, my father has grown somewhat distant. I haven't talked to him since last spring, and any contact we've had has been initiated by me. Sometime between then and now, Dad dropped off of my Facebook friend list. I tried to call him yesterday just to talk. I wasn't going to ask for money or anything stupid like that; I just wanted advice from my father. No one answered the phone, and no one has returned my call. Dad hasn't been the same since Mom died, but I'd hate to think that he doesn't want to associate with me anymore.
Because I've been out of work so long, I've got no money. I also have no transportation. I've been told that if I can secure a place in either location, or indeed anywhere, that I will be able to get a ride to wherever I'm going. That is cool, but it's not much of a plan. I am tired of being rudderless. I just don't know what to do. Does anyone have an idea? A word of friendly advice? Please let me know.
Once again I find myself in a hole that I do not know how to dig my way out of. In short: I need help. I am unsure how to get the help I need, and am even less certain of whom to ask or how to ask them.
As I have previously stated, I have been out of work since February. I have filled out numerous applications, e-mailed resumes and made phone calls. After four months, I still have nothing to show for my efforts.
I was kicked out of the guest house I had been renting in March. Since that time I've been sleeping on a mattress at my sister's house. It's not been a perfect solution, but I've had a roof over my head, food to eat and net access. This situation is, alas, coming to an end.
My sister and her husband have been renting a double-wide trailer since December. It's cramped and nothing works like it should. After months of disputes with their landlord, they have elected to move out, but they have yet to secure another permanent place to live. They've been hashing out alternatives including hotel rooms and campgrounds. None of these is exactly cheap, but it's better than nothing. The problem for me, in this situation, is that prices for these places go up incrementally in relation to how many people are staying in them. My sister has eight children and a manny, plus two dogs and five inside/outside cats. That doesn't leave a lot of leeway for me. In another seven days or so, I won't have a place to live.
This is quickly becoming the story of my life: I live for a time in a place until circumstances make it impossible to live there anymore, and I end up having to move away and start all over again someplace new. That's what happened in 2007, when I moved back to Virginia from Charlotte, North Carolina. January 2010 found me reluctantly moving to from Portsmouth, Virginia to Tallahassee, Florida. I've considered moving again, either back to Virginia or to Charlotte. I have pleasant memories and a few friends left in each location. This should be easy, right?
Sometime before I came to Florida, my father had told me I could live with him and his new wife. That was before he permanently moved in with her in Elizabeth City, North Carolina. Since they've been married, my father has grown somewhat distant. I haven't talked to him since last spring, and any contact we've had has been initiated by me. Sometime between then and now, Dad dropped off of my Facebook friend list. I tried to call him yesterday just to talk. I wasn't going to ask for money or anything stupid like that; I just wanted advice from my father. No one answered the phone, and no one has returned my call. Dad hasn't been the same since Mom died, but I'd hate to think that he doesn't want to associate with me anymore.
Because I've been out of work so long, I've got no money. I also have no transportation. I've been told that if I can secure a place in either location, or indeed anywhere, that I will be able to get a ride to wherever I'm going. That is cool, but it's not much of a plan. I am tired of being rudderless. I just don't know what to do. Does anyone have an idea? A word of friendly advice? Please let me know.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
All For Naught
All that fussing about my manicure, and I don't think I got the job. I did catch one of my interviewers goggling at my hands a couple of times, but that's not why I didn't get it. I'm good at what I do, and my skills are solid enough that most of my former employers have been willing to accommodate my eccentricities in exchange for my work. It's just that my experience at the last place wrecked my confidence. I've worked for micro-managers before: owners or managers who like to have their fingers in every aspect of the business, and don't trust their underlings to handle any decisions. I didn't think they were like that when I was hired, but that's what they turned out to be in the end.
The second half of the interview consisted of the interviewers asking me about hypothetical situations. I knew what was appropriate for all of the circumstances they asked me about, but I couched my answers in terms of "abiding by the preferences of my managers". I'd say, "I would do X, but of course it would depend on the company's policy" or "I would work within the brand standards".
We talked about potential pay, but I just don't think I got the job.
After the interview, I looked online and I found an at-home method for removing my acrylic nails, but I don't think that would've made any difference.
The second half of the interview consisted of the interviewers asking me about hypothetical situations. I knew what was appropriate for all of the circumstances they asked me about, but I couched my answers in terms of "abiding by the preferences of my managers". I'd say, "I would do X, but of course it would depend on the company's policy" or "I would work within the brand standards".
We talked about potential pay, but I just don't think I got the job.
After the interview, I looked online and I found an at-home method for removing my acrylic nails, but I don't think that would've made any difference.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Stuck In the Middle
There's no intentional musical reference today, though I forgive anyone for thinking of Stealer's Wheel, and apologize to anyone who gets this song stuck in their head.
I have been out of work since Groundhog Day. I have been banging out resumes for each and every position I've seen on the web or off. Two weeks ago I walked six miles back and forth to hand in applications at the nearest hotels to my current residence. I've even applied in other cities, some two or more hours away, trying to find anything. Today I got an email from the GM who posted an ad for a full-time front desk agent. We have an interview tomorrow morning.
After jumping up and down for a moment, I scampered about assembling a suitable outfit for the event: blue shirt, black slacks, belt, tie and black shoes. My hair's gotten a little long, but not outside the acceptable range for a gentleman in this age. It's just that my nails have gotten a little scary-looking.
I got my last fill-in in February. I was hoping to go back to work any day, but that didn't happen. I wonder now if that last bit of money might have been better spent getting the acrylic removed. My nails still look good, but the tips reach almost a quarter-inch from the ends of my fingers. If I had a Dremel (it what they use in the salon), I could grind them down a bit and then file the ends, but I don't have one.
Then again, the gentleman conducting my interview tomorrow is Indian, so he may not have an issue.
I'll let you all know how it goes.
I have been out of work since Groundhog Day. I have been banging out resumes for each and every position I've seen on the web or off. Two weeks ago I walked six miles back and forth to hand in applications at the nearest hotels to my current residence. I've even applied in other cities, some two or more hours away, trying to find anything. Today I got an email from the GM who posted an ad for a full-time front desk agent. We have an interview tomorrow morning.
After jumping up and down for a moment, I scampered about assembling a suitable outfit for the event: blue shirt, black slacks, belt, tie and black shoes. My hair's gotten a little long, but not outside the acceptable range for a gentleman in this age. It's just that my nails have gotten a little scary-looking.
I got my last fill-in in February. I was hoping to go back to work any day, but that didn't happen. I wonder now if that last bit of money might have been better spent getting the acrylic removed. My nails still look good, but the tips reach almost a quarter-inch from the ends of my fingers. If I had a Dremel (it what they use in the salon), I could grind them down a bit and then file the ends, but I don't have one.
Then again, the gentleman conducting my interview tomorrow is Indian, so he may not have an issue.
I'll let you all know how it goes.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Changes Afoot
What's New With Blogger
I haven't been keeping up with this thing like I should. It's not as though anything is happening with me right now. I was going to do a post about how there's nothing around where I live, but I decided to wait and see, and now some things have begun to happen.
I logged in a few minutes ago, and I see these links at the top of my Dashboard. There's a smarmy message about the news being for anyone who didn't get to go to SXSW. I haven't been much of anywhere in weeks, much less to some overblown music festival in the middle of the desert. I'm sure it was a blast, and I've seen some nifty video, but I didn't need Blogger to remind me how low I've sunk.
So they're getting ready to change the editing format... AGAIN. Frankly, I've just gotten the hang of using the current model, and now they want to kick the training wheels off again. Bastards. They're getting to be just like Facebook, where the settings for everything change almost weekly.
Once again I've come to let you all know what's going on with me, and I've gone off on yet another tangent. So sorry.
I haven't been keeping up with this thing like I should. It's not as though anything is happening with me right now. I was going to do a post about how there's nothing around where I live, but I decided to wait and see, and now some things have begun to happen.
I logged in a few minutes ago, and I see these links at the top of my Dashboard. There's a smarmy message about the news being for anyone who didn't get to go to SXSW. I haven't been much of anywhere in weeks, much less to some overblown music festival in the middle of the desert. I'm sure it was a blast, and I've seen some nifty video, but I didn't need Blogger to remind me how low I've sunk.
So they're getting ready to change the editing format... AGAIN. Frankly, I've just gotten the hang of using the current model, and now they want to kick the training wheels off again. Bastards. They're getting to be just like Facebook, where the settings for everything change almost weekly.
Once again I've come to let you all know what's going on with me, and I've gone off on yet another tangent. So sorry.
Monday, February 21, 2011
What Fresh Hell Is This?
Apparently, that how Dorothy Parker answered the telephone. Supposedly it originated when someone interrupted her train of thought, but she ended up using it as a greeting, to answer the phone or the door. I might have to try it.
In any case, it's been a long month. I've been banging out resumes to anyone with an open position, and so far all I've received was one response, a politely-worded "Thanks, but the position has been filled." I'm beginning to wonder if it's time to change professions. I've not worked in any business but hotels since 1998. I've got no degrees, so it's mostly been one long series of working the same job over and over, with little to no hope of advancement. I'd go back to school, but no one will finance my education until I pay off my debts, including a student loan which dates back to 1991.
My sister (ex-in-law, whatever) suggested I shift my job search south, as her husband is doing. She suggested Panama City and Orlando (the vacation capital of America). Both have some nice positions open, but most of the ads I saw are only taking walk-in applicants. I don't have access to a vehicle now (Vicki sold her van), so I can't exactly drive to either place to apply. Since I came to Florida, I've had the feeling that Tallahassee was only a way station, that I'm meant to travel further south. Orlando, or even Miami would put me much closer to a lot of trans-friendly business and support structures, too.
If I don't find another job soon, I'll have to vacate the guest house and move back in with my sister. She ditched the big house in December and moved her brood into a double-wide by the airport. She's getting ready to oust a housemate next month, so I might be able to move into my own room again.
The day I lost my job, I did a little shopping. A trip to the mall yielded a new purse from Burlington Coat Factory, and at Game Stop I found a used copy of Halo 3: ODST. I originally wrote a little about this game back in 2009, but I sidestepped it in my anticipation of Mass Effect 2. I haven't had much else to do in the last few weeks, and the game has eaten up lots of hours.
Deprived of a vehicle, I've been doing a lot of walking. The shopping center with a Publix grocery store and my favorite nail salon is 2.8 miles from my current residence. A Walmart SuperCenter is 3.3 miles away, in the other direction. Daytime temps have reached the seventies, so the walking's been good. Twice people driving by have honked their horns and waved at me, but they were traveling too fast for me to see who they were. I suppose they might have been some people I used to work with at the hotel, but I didn't see them. Today a dude drove by shouting something derogatory. I didn't hear the words, but I'd know that tone anywhere. Again, he whizzed by at 50 mph, and I have no idea what he said or why. I just went about my business.
In any case, it's been a long month. I've been banging out resumes to anyone with an open position, and so far all I've received was one response, a politely-worded "Thanks, but the position has been filled." I'm beginning to wonder if it's time to change professions. I've not worked in any business but hotels since 1998. I've got no degrees, so it's mostly been one long series of working the same job over and over, with little to no hope of advancement. I'd go back to school, but no one will finance my education until I pay off my debts, including a student loan which dates back to 1991.
My sister (ex-in-law, whatever) suggested I shift my job search south, as her husband is doing. She suggested Panama City and Orlando (the vacation capital of America). Both have some nice positions open, but most of the ads I saw are only taking walk-in applicants. I don't have access to a vehicle now (Vicki sold her van), so I can't exactly drive to either place to apply. Since I came to Florida, I've had the feeling that Tallahassee was only a way station, that I'm meant to travel further south. Orlando, or even Miami would put me much closer to a lot of trans-friendly business and support structures, too.
If I don't find another job soon, I'll have to vacate the guest house and move back in with my sister. She ditched the big house in December and moved her brood into a double-wide by the airport. She's getting ready to oust a housemate next month, so I might be able to move into my own room again.
The day I lost my job, I did a little shopping. A trip to the mall yielded a new purse from Burlington Coat Factory, and at Game Stop I found a used copy of Halo 3: ODST. I originally wrote a little about this game back in 2009, but I sidestepped it in my anticipation of Mass Effect 2. I haven't had much else to do in the last few weeks, and the game has eaten up lots of hours.
Deprived of a vehicle, I've been doing a lot of walking. The shopping center with a Publix grocery store and my favorite nail salon is 2.8 miles from my current residence. A Walmart SuperCenter is 3.3 miles away, in the other direction. Daytime temps have reached the seventies, so the walking's been good. Twice people driving by have honked their horns and waved at me, but they were traveling too fast for me to see who they were. I suppose they might have been some people I used to work with at the hotel, but I didn't see them. Today a dude drove by shouting something derogatory. I didn't hear the words, but I'd know that tone anywhere. Again, he whizzed by at 50 mph, and I have no idea what he said or why. I just went about my business.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Oh, Well...
Remember that "good position with a decent company"? I was summoned into work this afternoon for a "counseling session" wherein I was terminated. Yeah.
Back in December I made a couple of minor mistakes. I was called in for a counseling session, written up and told that the company really wanted to retain my services, so I should focus on improving my work and improving my interaction with guests and coworkers. I've worked hard, and I thought I was doing well. I haven't heard a word of negativity from anyone in the nearly six weeks since my write-up.
I was fired, but the company won't fight if I apply for unemployment. Ironically, the GM, who handled my termination, said that he'd be happy to provide me with a reference. No one who's ever fired me has given me a reference. It's a little thing, but I'll take it.
I'm in the process of updating my resume, and I've got Craigslist open in another tab. I've already seen a couple of positions that might be for me.
Back in December I made a couple of minor mistakes. I was called in for a counseling session, written up and told that the company really wanted to retain my services, so I should focus on improving my work and improving my interaction with guests and coworkers. I've worked hard, and I thought I was doing well. I haven't heard a word of negativity from anyone in the nearly six weeks since my write-up.
I was fired, but the company won't fight if I apply for unemployment. Ironically, the GM, who handled my termination, said that he'd be happy to provide me with a reference. No one who's ever fired me has given me a reference. It's a little thing, but I'll take it.
I'm in the process of updating my resume, and I've got Craigslist open in another tab. I've already seen a couple of positions that might be for me.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
That Wasn't So Hard
My last post was a lot of "Pity poor me". I'm not very good at it. I guess it was a way of psyching myself up to do what I wanted. After ten long months in drab, I'm back in my favorite form of dress. Truthfully it's not too different from the things I wear all the time. I'm wearing a sweater with a pair of jeans. Underneath I'm wearing a bra with my forms. Up top I've got a wig and full makeup on, and I've swapped out my studs for a pair of cute hoops. I snapped some photos, and the best looking of the bunch is now my profile pic.
I thought about taking a walk down to the corner store, but I looked at myself in the mirror, and I think I'll pass. I've put on a few pounds since the last time I ventured out, and I'm not sure I want to face the public in daylight in all my "glory". I tried revising my outfit, but it's a bit warmer than it was when I started today, and I don't have much that would camouflage my middle and still leave me comfortable in the outdoors. Note to self: invest in a decent waist cincher, and investigate weight loss. Either that or I start buying fat clothes. No muumuus or caftans for me, though.
Now that I think about it, I like the old profile pic better. I was a little thinner, and more at peace with myself and the world. I would change it back, but this is more honest. It's who I am at the moment, and I've got to make peace with that.
I thought about taking a walk down to the corner store, but I looked at myself in the mirror, and I think I'll pass. I've put on a few pounds since the last time I ventured out, and I'm not sure I want to face the public in daylight in all my "glory". I tried revising my outfit, but it's a bit warmer than it was when I started today, and I don't have much that would camouflage my middle and still leave me comfortable in the outdoors. Note to self: invest in a decent waist cincher, and investigate weight loss. Either that or I start buying fat clothes. No muumuus or caftans for me, though.
Now that I think about it, I like the old profile pic better. I was a little thinner, and more at peace with myself and the world. I would change it back, but this is more honest. It's who I am at the moment, and I've got to make peace with that.
Afraid to Look at Myself
I've taken up a lot of space on this blog this year writing about not dressing up, and my ongoing struggle to cope. I'd like to think of myself as a low-maintenance woman, but the reality is that getting dressed up is a big deal. I've got to shave, not just my face but any expanse of flesh that might be exposed to the world. Then comes makeup. I don't quite have to trowel it on, but covering my beard is a chore and a half. If and when I ever get rid of it for good, I'll wear the lightest possible foundation. Until that day, I'm stuck on Dermablend and Max Factor PanStick.
For the last couple of weeks I've been meaning to get dressed up for a bit. I haven't been planning to go anywhere. I just want to wear makeup, because I haven't in so long. Not only that; I'd like to update my profile pics, both here and over on Facebook. A couple of weekends ago I took part in that awareness of child abuse thing, and replaced my FB profile pic (taken two years ago) with a thumbnail shot of Calvin and Hobbes. I meant to replace it the following week with a new photo of me, but I just couldn't motivate myself to gussy myself up. I've planned to do it three or four times since - during my mornings after work, when I'm still relatively clean-shaven, or on my nights off, but the energy just hasn't been there.
Back when I still thought of myself as a crossdresser, I didn't worry too much about why, but I thought a lot about what to tell people about myself when their questions arose. And arise they did. It took me a while to compose an answer that made sense both to myself and others. "life is hard," I said. All around us are people who can't cope, so they drink, or use drugs, or engage in all sorts of self-destructive behavior. They hurt themselves, and sometimes others. If putting on makeup and women's clothing is the worst I have to do to be able to look at myself in a mirror, then is that so bad? I didn't think so. I still don't think so, but I've become afraid.
I've had the house pretty much to myself since last week. I'm waiting for the go-ahead to move into my new place, but I haven't been able to get in touch with the owners. You'd think I'd feel free in a place by myself, but I find myself falling into myself. I got used to communal living, with friends and family close at hand, and now I have long, solitary hours with no companionship save a mismatched pair of cats. Cats are cuddly, but they're poor conversationalists.
When I finally work up the nerve, who will I see in that mirror?
For the last couple of weeks I've been meaning to get dressed up for a bit. I haven't been planning to go anywhere. I just want to wear makeup, because I haven't in so long. Not only that; I'd like to update my profile pics, both here and over on Facebook. A couple of weekends ago I took part in that awareness of child abuse thing, and replaced my FB profile pic (taken two years ago) with a thumbnail shot of Calvin and Hobbes. I meant to replace it the following week with a new photo of me, but I just couldn't motivate myself to gussy myself up. I've planned to do it three or four times since - during my mornings after work, when I'm still relatively clean-shaven, or on my nights off, but the energy just hasn't been there.
Back when I still thought of myself as a crossdresser, I didn't worry too much about why, but I thought a lot about what to tell people about myself when their questions arose. And arise they did. It took me a while to compose an answer that made sense both to myself and others. "life is hard," I said. All around us are people who can't cope, so they drink, or use drugs, or engage in all sorts of self-destructive behavior. They hurt themselves, and sometimes others. If putting on makeup and women's clothing is the worst I have to do to be able to look at myself in a mirror, then is that so bad? I didn't think so. I still don't think so, but I've become afraid.
I've had the house pretty much to myself since last week. I'm waiting for the go-ahead to move into my new place, but I haven't been able to get in touch with the owners. You'd think I'd feel free in a place by myself, but I find myself falling into myself. I got used to communal living, with friends and family close at hand, and now I have long, solitary hours with no companionship save a mismatched pair of cats. Cats are cuddly, but they're poor conversationalists.
When I finally work up the nerve, who will I see in that mirror?
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
All I Want, And Some Random Notes
Here's another post about music. Faced with a month of having to listen to holiday-themed music, I decided to knuckle down and try to enjoy some of it. Surprise! I actually like some of this stuff, and have downloaded it. The aforementioned "Greensleeved" was the first candidate. Then came some of the Vince Guaraldi Charlie Brown stuff. My job isn't set up to play classical music, so I never hear any of the Mannheim Steamroller or Trans-Siberian Orchestra material, but I decided to get some of them too. Heck, hearing them on the job reintroduced me to The Smithereens, who were a favorite in high school that I lost touch with. I'd have never figured them for recording a Christmas album, but they did. I got their "Christmas Time All Over the World", but also "House We Used to Live In" (apt with the move) and "A Girl Like You".
Imogen Heap has NOT recorded any Christmas music, at least not directly. Her "Just For Now" is remarkably apropos, though:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25VGdNU3nrU
(I'd embed, but the business center computer at work is a little basic, running an older version of Firefox, so I don't have access to all the current tools. *SIGH*)
I'm still not installed in the new place, mostly due to lack of access to a vehicle during the day. I've got to move soon, though. The power's going to be turned off soon in the current place, and I'd hate to be stuck here while the night time temps are in the low 20s (not unusual for the season, except this is Florida).
Over the weekend Bioware released a teaser for Mass Effect 3, with delivery slated for next Xmas. I thought ME2 was dark, but the spot makes the next installment seem especially grim. I still very much want to play it.
Sara, if you're out there still, I'd very much like to chat with you. Blogger still says your profile is private, which means I can't see your email address. Mine isn't, so please feel free to drop me a line. PLEASE?!? It's lonely out here, and knowing there's someone else close by but out of reach is maddening, and I don't need any help in that area, if you know what I mean. I could really use a friend right now.
Imogen Heap has NOT recorded any Christmas music, at least not directly. Her "Just For Now" is remarkably apropos, though:
It's that time of yearThere's a neat live version here:
Leave all our hopelessnesses aside
If just for a little while
tears stop right here
I know we've all had a bumpy ride.
I'm secretly on your side.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25VGdNU3nrU
(I'd embed, but the business center computer at work is a little basic, running an older version of Firefox, so I don't have access to all the current tools. *SIGH*)
I'm still not installed in the new place, mostly due to lack of access to a vehicle during the day. I've got to move soon, though. The power's going to be turned off soon in the current place, and I'd hate to be stuck here while the night time temps are in the low 20s (not unusual for the season, except this is Florida).
Over the weekend Bioware released a teaser for Mass Effect 3, with delivery slated for next Xmas. I thought ME2 was dark, but the spot makes the next installment seem especially grim. I still very much want to play it.
Sara, if you're out there still, I'd very much like to chat with you. Blogger still says your profile is private, which means I can't see your email address. Mine isn't, so please feel free to drop me a line. PLEASE?!? It's lonely out here, and knowing there's someone else close by but out of reach is maddening, and I don't need any help in that area, if you know what I mean. I could really use a friend right now.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
All I Want for Christmas Is... Silence!
I have blogged before, and often, about the musical selections played at my job. I love some of it, hate some more and generally am indifferent to the rest of it. That all changed last Monday. I came back from being off the Sunday after Thanksgiving to find that they'd changed the channel, so to speak. Now it's Christmas music, 24/7.
I'll not waste anyone's time rehashing my dislike for religion, as that's mostly been spared. The music mix is not too different from the usual, in that it's holiday-themed music performed by a lot of the same artists who are included in the day-to-day set. It's all Christmas music, but they've somehow avoided using any of the religious carols. So, no "O Holy Night", or "Silent Night". Nothing about angels or mangers or any of that stuff. As near as I can tell, they only play the secular songs.
That means they're playing "Jingle Bells" and "Here Comes Santa Claus" and "Blue Christmas". By limiting the pool to secular songs, that reduces the available selection, so I get to hear multiple renditions of the same songs over and over again. I've heard four or five or more versions of "Blue Christmas" (but not Elvis') and "Sleigh Ride" and "Winter Wonderland". The lone religious tune I've picked out from the rest is "Carol of the Bells", which gets a pass in my book because it's an old Ukrainian tune that predates Christianity.
It's driving me insane, one song at a time. It's not all bad. They play Band Aid's "Do They Know It's Christmas?" They even play "Welcome Christmas" (that's the "Dahoo doraze" song) from How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I've heard songs by Sheryl Crow, KT Tunstall and the Dandy Warhols. Did you know that Jethro Tull recorded a Christmas album? Me neither, but their "Greensleeved" is pretty cool. Ditto for Goldfrapp's "Winter Wonderland".
They also play any song that so much as mentions the word "Christmas", whether it's really a holiday song or not. I've heard several covers of "Last Christmas" (the Wham! song). I've never thought of The Pretenders' "2000 Miles" as a holiday song, but it's in the mix. I was trying to figure out why they played Sade's "The Sweetest Taboo" until I heard the line "Every day is Christmas and every night is New Year's Eve". They've also played a few head-scratchers. I do not know what bizarre calculus inspired them to include Sting's "Love Is the Seventh Wave", but it is welcome when I hear it, a respite from the holiday monotony.
The actual holiday isn't too far off, but those nights until they turn the music back are going to be arduous.
I'll not waste anyone's time rehashing my dislike for religion, as that's mostly been spared. The music mix is not too different from the usual, in that it's holiday-themed music performed by a lot of the same artists who are included in the day-to-day set. It's all Christmas music, but they've somehow avoided using any of the religious carols. So, no "O Holy Night", or "Silent Night". Nothing about angels or mangers or any of that stuff. As near as I can tell, they only play the secular songs.
That means they're playing "Jingle Bells" and "Here Comes Santa Claus" and "Blue Christmas". By limiting the pool to secular songs, that reduces the available selection, so I get to hear multiple renditions of the same songs over and over again. I've heard four or five or more versions of "Blue Christmas" (but not Elvis') and "Sleigh Ride" and "Winter Wonderland". The lone religious tune I've picked out from the rest is "Carol of the Bells", which gets a pass in my book because it's an old Ukrainian tune that predates Christianity.
It's driving me insane, one song at a time. It's not all bad. They play Band Aid's "Do They Know It's Christmas?" They even play "Welcome Christmas" (that's the "Dahoo doraze" song) from How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I've heard songs by Sheryl Crow, KT Tunstall and the Dandy Warhols. Did you know that Jethro Tull recorded a Christmas album? Me neither, but their "Greensleeved" is pretty cool. Ditto for Goldfrapp's "Winter Wonderland".
They also play any song that so much as mentions the word "Christmas", whether it's really a holiday song or not. I've heard several covers of "Last Christmas" (the Wham! song). I've never thought of The Pretenders' "2000 Miles" as a holiday song, but it's in the mix. I was trying to figure out why they played Sade's "The Sweetest Taboo" until I heard the line "Every day is Christmas and every night is New Year's Eve". They've also played a few head-scratchers. I do not know what bizarre calculus inspired them to include Sting's "Love Is the Seventh Wave", but it is welcome when I hear it, a respite from the holiday monotony.
The actual holiday isn't too far off, but those nights until they turn the music back are going to be arduous.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Wealth
I don't think of myself as being poor, at least not in the usual sense. I've settled into being on the lower edge of the so-called middle class, and that's okay. I sometimes wonder though, what it might be like to spend money with impugnity, to throw it around without having to worry if I'm spending part of the rent, or risking having a utility turned off or something important like that.
A guest in the hotel last night ran up a $280 tab in the restaurant, dinner and drinks for fourteen people, and charged it to his room. The bartender had me check is credit card to make sure he was good for it. He was. Two weeks ago I splurged on pizza for the family (all thirteen of us) for my niece's birthday. That was a mere $40, and it hurt. It was a pleasant hurt, because I was doing for people I love, but still. I can imagine spending money like my guests, but only because I've got a pretty wild imagination.
Someday, maybe.
A guest in the hotel last night ran up a $280 tab in the restaurant, dinner and drinks for fourteen people, and charged it to his room. The bartender had me check is credit card to make sure he was good for it. He was. Two weeks ago I splurged on pizza for the family (all thirteen of us) for my niece's birthday. That was a mere $40, and it hurt. It was a pleasant hurt, because I was doing for people I love, but still. I can imagine spending money like my guests, but only because I've got a pretty wild imagination.
Someday, maybe.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Dog Days
This is my obligatory post to let everyone know I'm still kicking. I try to only write when I have something to say, but after some of the last posts, I feel compelled to keep people abreast of my ongoing struggle. The urges to play in traffic or test the sharpness of various objects is much-diminished, but I hesitate to say that I'm happy just yet.
It's funny. A couple of weeks ago, I discovered a new song (new to me, anyway). The song is called "Dog Days Are Over", and it's by a little British art rock outfit called Florence and the Machine. I first heard it in promos for the USA series "Covert Affairs", and it's since popped up in the trailers for "Eat, Pray, Love". I first heard a snippet in a promo, then I watched the video on YouTube, and a few minutes later downloaded the song from Amazon. It's catchy, and the video is energetically exuberant, with wild costumes and eye-popping colors (as far as those costumes go, I think Florence could give Lady Gaga a run for her money). I wish I knew a way to carry that happiness around with me, without listening to the song all the time.
It's now been six months and a couple of weeks since the last time I went out of doors en femme. That's the longest I've been since I came out again in 2005. I don't define myself as a crossdresser, so I it's not like I need to dress up like a woman all the time, but not presenting myself in public the way I prefer is wearing on me I know, I know; technically I'm crossdressing all the time, not owning more than a stitch or two of male clothing, but not wearing makeup, or hair, or some of my pretty tops and shoes is killing me. I need to find a place and time to get out as myself, or as my perception of myself, and I'd rather it not be the dance bar full of college students that Ms. Self-Medicating told me about. I've checked out their photos on Facebook, and that is SO not my scene.
Monday, July 12, 2010
After Another Long Hiatus
I have returned. I've been logging in periodically to read and comment on others' blogs, but I haven't felt much like posting. I've done some comment moderation. I wish I could say I was surprised, but the only commenters these last three weeks or so have been spammers planting links to their Chinese-language chat/porn sites.
The last weeks have been eventful, and yet not. I called Dad on Father's Day and found him in the hospital, down with a bout of near-fatal septicemia. That's when an infection gets into your bloodstream, and in his case it had gotten to both his heart and brain. While recovering from that, he had both a heart attack and a stroke. His life is no longer in imminent danger, but his health problems brought to the surface the long-seething conflict between my brother and my stepmother. Thermonuclear war would be less destructive. I wish there could be peace between them, but I don't think it's going to happen.
Back in May I wrote a little about suicide. I am sorry to report that my consideration of that has continued. Some days it's just not worth getting out of bed. I broke down and called a good friend, and she told me that suicide ideation can lead to actual suicide. She went on to suggest that I call a suicide hotline, if for no other reason than to find a counselor to speak to. The young woman who answered the phone talked to me for a bit, though she seemed a little out of her depth. She did give me the number of a counselor who billed on a sliding scale. That, I am sorry to say was less than productive. She started off by asking me about my religious affiliation, if I was "right with Jesus". I told her I was an atheist, and the discussion went downhill from there. I thanked her for her time and hung up. Then I called my friend back. Friends who love are always better than any quack sitting in an office.
On that note, I re-connected with one of my oldest friends via Facebook last weekend. She's the only friend from my teenage years that I didn't go to school with. We were also an on-again, off-again romantic thing, the closest thing in my life to "friends with benefits". I can say without equivocation that the best sex I ever had was with her. We hadn't talked on the phone in almost seven years, and I haven't seen her in more than ten, but talking to her, it was almost as though no time had passed. Naturally, she's in a relationship, and I won't interfere with that. What does it say about me that I would if she wanted me to?
Work is both stressful and sustaining. I'm finally getting forty-hour weeks, but it's meant taking on a 1500-2300 shift, and I always get that on the heels of working 2300-0700. I've always preferred double shifts to working back-t0-back, but the extra money is nice. I've been able to do a little shopping, which has helped me feel more like myself. I bought myself a couple of sleepshirts (one has the art from U2's War on the front) and got a manicure and pedicure last week. The new color is Nicole by OPI's Jade in the Shade, if anyone cares.
On top of all the other stressful events, Spot died last week. I don't know what got him, but he hadn't been "right" since the middle of June. We had to put all the animals outside one morning while we flea-bombed the house, and Spot did his best to try to get away and walkabout. A couple of days later he got out of the house somehow, and didn't turn up until early evening. He didn't have any visible wounds, and I gave him a bath just in case. His behavior changed. He wouldn't hang out in my bedroom much, and took to hiding in cabinets or up on shelves. Last Sunday I realized that I'd gone all day and hadn't seen him. I found him on top of the dresser in one of my nieces' bedrooms. I gave him food and water, and after a time he moved into the bathroom and laid on the tiles. He got up occasionally to shift position, but he didn't leave the bathroom at all. He was lying there peacefully when I left for work Monday night, and I found him in the same place Tuesday morning when I returned. His breathing was rapid and shallow. I spent some time cuddling with him, then laid down for a nap. I woke in the afternoon to find he was gone. We buried him deep in a hole in the backyard. I loved that cat with every fiber of my being, and I like to believe he loved me back. He will be missed.
That said, I got my pick of the kittens remaining from Twilight and Freckles' litters, and I chose the one that seemed to like me best. He's sleeping in the space between the keyboard and monitor as I type this. I haven't settled on a name for him yet. I might ask for some help here before too long.
Anyway, I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm still kicking down here.
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