Uncertainty

I've been kicking around a column for the last few days. It's another of those where I go through draft after draft, and end up discarding them all. Then something happens out in the world that casts my own thoughts on to the back burner.

Mike Penner was a sports writer for the Los Angeles Times. He made headlines in 2007 when he came out as transgendered. He was taking a vacation, and when he returned, it would be as Christine Daniels. Christine continued to write for the Times, and she wrote a blog for the paper wherein she recounted her ongoing transformation. In November of last year, she wrote that she was stopping her transition, and she went back to using the name Mike Penner. There was a story in USA Today about this, and what they called "reverse transitioning".

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2009-02-24-transgender-penner_N.htm

I even did a post about it. It was one of the first relevant news items I remember posting. I remember concluding that I did not want to reverse my changes. I have hardly begun to transition in any meaningful sense. I could not then see any reason to stop, or to go back. "The only way for me is forward," I said.

That is still true, though I have come to recognize some of the obstacles in my way. Just a week ago we were memorializing the victims of hate and violence on the Transgender Day of Remembrance. It seems we forgot to look out for those who fall to their own doubts. Mike Penner was found dead yesterday, apparently of suicide. I lost track of him after the USA Today story. I am subject to the same sort of internet-derived short attention span as everyone else. I suppose it didn't help that I'm not much of a sports fan.

This isn't the time to wallow in uncertainty. I've got to go on. More than that, I need to support my friends. Every time I hear about a suicide, I wonder who that person didn't talk to. Who didn't offer them a friendly ear, a supporting shoulder? If there's anyone out there who feels like this, please talk to me.

The Power of Memory

This is one of those times when I don't have to worry about writing the same sorts of things as other bloggers, because we're all writing about the same things.

Thursday was Thankgiving Day. I won't waste any wordage here about the historical significance of the day, or the revisionism, or any of that dreck. Nor will I recount the contents of the feast (though it was fine), or reminisce of dinners past. No, I just want to say that I woke up this afternoon to the aromas of a traditional dinner, and for a moment, I was twenty, and ten, and five, and I took a deep breath, and all was right with the world.

Another Year

Last night my friends and I marked the eleventh Transgender Day of Remembrance. We marched down Brambleton Avenue in Norfolk from Scope down to the Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial (an obelisk), carrying the signs we made Wednesday. My friend Tracy and a lady named Vega read off the names of the fallen, then we walked back to Scope and adjourned to TACT for refreshments.

There weren't any ugly incidents while we were out. There was an old homeless man we encountered on the way back. I think he wanted to get to know some of us better, but he eventually went on his way. I did get a couple of nice complements on my outfit. I wore my purple sweater from Dots with a grey plaid skirt and purple tights, with a pair of black l.e.i. boots I scored at a thrift store in Churchland last year.

I got lost a couple of times heading to TACT. For some reason, I thought it might be reasonably close to where we marched. It was way, way down Granby Street, almost in Ocean View. I got there just in time for a quick snack and a sit-down with Julian and LLLLL before they kicked us out. I went home and changed for work. Nate had cooked while I was out: barbecue chicken and rice. And he baked brownies! I had one before I came to work, and it was incredible.

Preparing to Remember

Last night I drove over to Norfolk to help put together signs for our TDOR march on Friday. Most of the signs show the names of everyone who has died since this time last year. The names and their stories come from this website:

http://www.transgenderdor.org/


There are a lot of names. I wish I could say I was surprised. What did surprise me was how many of the fallen are unidentified, especially in Central and South America. It's like without names, these people didn't exist. That hurts as much as their dying. There was another murder this past weekend in Puerto Rico. The suspect went looking for a "date" in the red light district, picked up the victim, then flipped out when he discovered she was male. He then proceeded to decapitate her and chop off her limbs. When the case first came to light over the weekend, a detective in PR was quoted as saying

"Someone like that, who does those kind of things, and goes out in public, knows full well that this might happen to him."

Makes it sound like she was asking for it. I've been lucky. I haven't seen a whole lot of violence in my life, and haven't experienced anything worse than name-calling when I was out as myself. I wish there was something I could do about it.

As Long as I'm Flogging Other People's Stuff

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vL5u2xi6mNQ

This is the new trailer for Mass Effect 2. I can barely contain my excitement about this game. Lucky for me, I only have to wait until January. I like this "Legion" character. So far it's got the best lines.

"We do not experience fear, but we understand how it affects you. Organics do not choose to fear us; it is a function of your hardware."

Ooooh. Scary monsters.

Thank you for your consideration, I think

I took a walk through Olde Towne this afternoon. I had to drop a couple of pieces into the mail (model parts for friends in England and Wales), and decided to trek through the neighborhood on the way home. I spotted this sign in front of a Baptist church/private school I attended when I was a child.

Their spelling is atrocious, but I suppose it's the thought that counts.

Freaky Deaky! (New Lady Gaga Video)

This is the new Lady Gaga video. It premiered about four days ago. It's got intricate makeup, elaborate costumes, and freaky shoes (courtesy of Alexander McQueen). Drag artists all over the planet are no doubt choreographing numbers based on it. I might've even found a costume for next Halloween. I love it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MsthwTUTylQ