She Returns

Gee, that was a long time coming, wasn't it?

I managed to survive from February to July at the Good Samaritan House at Westgate. This is a Christian-run facility for homeless men. Yep, I put away my feminine things for a time and went undercover, as it were, into an all-male community. That was the longest five months of my life.

Early in April, I started working as a helper for my friend Rob Mulcahey at his business, R & S Floors. That has been an adventure, and not always the fun and exciting kind. It has brought me money, which has allowed me to move into a new place. Back before this situation arose, my therapist told me of Apalachee Center's Satellite Apartments. The rent is cheap, but one needs a source of income, which I didn't have at the time. As of the middle of July, this is no longer the case, and I happily reside there.

Because I work Monday to Friday, I spend most of those days in dude mode, but I have my weekends free to be myself. Those two days a week en femme are liberating, to say the least. I'd love to discuss all this with my therapist, but she has been on indefinite leave since just before I moved. I don't know when she'll return, and this has begun to worry me. It's been a little more than three years since my depression landed me in the hospital, and after all this time I am no closer to my goal (transition) than I was then. The situation has to move forward, or I'm going to have to find another place to support me.

Anyway, I'll post more (and in more detail soon).

Oops!

That was scary.  I accidentally attempted to log into Blogger using my other Gmail, the one that doesn't have anything attached.  For a moment I thought someone had hijacked my account and deleted everything.  We now return you to your regularly unscheduled blog, already in progress.

On Transfolk

Here's a link to a thoughtful, well-written piece from a writer I very much admire.  Please give it a read:

On Transfolk

Not That Bad, Really

Depression is a funny thing.  I don't mean that it's entertaining, though I suppose that it can be.  What I do mean is that it's an up-and-down situation.  Last Sunday I was feeling down on myself, but Saturday was actually a pretty good day, and it took some introspection to recognize it for what it was.  20/20 hindsight is nice, but I wouldn't mind being able to seeing the good for what it is, when it is.

Last Saturday I spent my time at the first ever Florida Secular Rally.  We got off to a bit of a late start (the stage wasn't delivered until late), but a good time was had by all.  There were speeches from various luminaries of the secular/atheist movement, entertainment by Shelley Segal and Greydon Square.  We had some of the best food truck catering on the planet, courtesy of Sir Cheezy and The Great American Sandwich Station.  I got to spend the day with some really awesome people, all of whom were totally okay with me en femme (and they all used the correct pronouns).

Oddly enough, there was one trans blogger there, and I watched her presentation, but somehow never worked up the nerve to introduce myself.  That was Zinnia Jones, and you'll find a link to her blog on the right side of the page here.  I am embarrassed that I had never heard of her before this event was organized.  Months ago, I was asked if I knew any LGBT bloggers who wrote about the secular life, and I all but drew a blank.  I knew of Greta Christina, but knowing of is not knowing, if you know what I mean.  The months whizzed by, and one of the organizers told me they got Zinnia Jones, and I said "Who?"  Anyway, her bit is on Youtube, and you can see it here.

True story: all night long, people came up to me at the after party and told me they loved my presentation.  Zinnia looked to be about six inches shorter than me, with long dark hair.  I was dressed all in black, with only my flaming red hair to break up the monochromatic theme.  I don't know how anyone could have confused us, but if I must resemble someone else, I could do a lot worse.

Pulling the Plug

I don't know if anyone still reads this thing, but I am thinking of quitting.  My writing has been the most sporadic since I started this thing, despite almost my almost universal access to the web.  It's not that I don't have anything else to say; it's just that I don't know if anyone is reading the blog.  My last few posts generated a little feedback on Facebook, and a few of them have picked up +1s from Google+, but I don't think anyone is reading the actual blog.  I haven't fielded a single comment all year, and that hurts.

I realize that I began this blog as yet another trans blog (did you know there is an actual Yet Another Trans Girl Blog out there?) in a crowd that was already jam-packed.  Starting a blog was not the wellspring of inspiration I thought it would be.  I thought that having an outlet for my writing would be enough, and for a time it was.  My Muse bailed on me, though, and lately I have lacked the will to scale Parnassus to find her.  See what I just wrote there?  I CAN do this, it's just grown so damned hard.  I could write, ad infinitum, about my ongoing love of video games, but I've gotten the sense no one wants to read that stuff here.  There are scores of dedicated gamer blogs, blessedly unencumbered by the author's gender identity hang-ups.  Ditto for any of the other things that have captured my fancy over the years.  There are other sources for that stuff.  Anything new to see here?  Probably not.

The end of this blog isn't set in stone or anything.  I just need to know if I still have an audience.  I'm likely to write a little something later this month, if for no other reason because Bioware are releasing a new downloadable content pack for Mass Effect 3, and I may feel compelled to say a little something about it.  If anyone actually is still reading me, please, please drop me a line.  I'd even accept a well-worded rant at this point.

Something I'm Not Gonna Talk About

The internet in all its myriad forms has been up in arms these last few weeks regarding a statement made by the president of a fast food chain.  The kerfuffle has spilled over into the physical world, with talk of boycotts, protests and counter-protests.  I'm not going to say anything about it, other than to share this rather well-written piece by another blogger.

The Chicken Fellatio

Please don't let the title put you off.  If it grabs your attention, then the work is done.  The author puts everything into glaring clarity, far better than I could ever have expressed.

Just a Thought

"Statistically, the probability of any one of us being here is so small that the mere fact of our existence should keep us all in a state of contented dazzlement." - Lewis Thomas

I don't know about the rest of you, but statements like that give me a little endorphin rush.  Would anyone else like to share in my wondrous tizzy?

Not Digging the New Blogger Interface

Yet I must soldier on here, unless I want to start all over someplace else.  I'm sure this looks awesome for people who write their blogs on 4G phones and netbooks.  It's massively streamlined, and I suppose it might grow upon me, though hopefully not like fungus or anything.

Marriage Equality in New York

Just in case you haven't heard, the New York state legislature voted last night to legalize gay marriage in that state.  I'm glad someone has good news.

Incidentally, this is my 300th post on this blog.  Here's to many more.

Messing With the Format

You may have noticed that the blog looks a little different.  I started out wanting to adjust the page width, because I got tired of embedding Youtube videos that display chopped off in the middle.  I was using the default template before, and it doesn't allow you to change the sizes of anything.  I settled on the first template I found that allowed me to rearrange things, but I'm still not satisfied.  I'd appreciate any guidance my readers can offer.

I must contact Google again about the advertising.  When I started writing tonight, the usual General Dynamics ad was showing, but when I changed the format, an ad for Christian vacation Bible school appeared.  That just will not do.  I will not allow this blog to be used to shill for any religion.

Jaye-Walking, Now with Ads

I have done yet another of those things I said I wouldn't do.  I added AdSense to this blog.  I resisted for so long because I didn't want to risk this blog being associated with inappropriate advertising.  I didn't want to see sex toys or Thai ladyboy dating ads.  After assurances that this would not happen, I broke down and added the feature.  It's only been a couple of days, but I'm not happy.

Yesterday, I opened this blog in another tab and found an ad for General Dynamics, touting their information systems for military medical applications.  I don't know what that has to do with this blog, but I support the US military, and anything that helps them is okay in my book.  Today I logged in and found one of those"...and I'm a Mormon" spots.  WTF?  I am an atheist, a humanist.  I've got no use for any religion, and I have blogged about that at length.  Methinks I'm going to have to talk to Google.

Reblogging: An Atheist on Easter

An Atheist on Easter

Today was Easter.  As mentioned before, I'm an atheist, so I always find religious holidays a little awkward to experience.  I read the piece noted above early in the morning, and posted a comment on the blog asking permission to post it here.  I didn't intend any sort of plagiarism; I just found the piece to be a well-worded expression of my (similar) thoughts on the subject.  Not only did the author not respond to my request, he didn't allow the comment to be posted.  A politely-worded "No" would have sufficed.

I've posted the link.  It's good stuff, and it bears reading if anyone wants a peek inside my head.

This morning the family went to church for Easter service.  After they returned, the lot of us went with some friends to Wakulla Springs State Park for one of my nephews' birthday party.  In a repeat of last year's trip to the beach, I did not swim, though I did wade in the spring for a bit, and collected tiny shells on the white sand shore.  There's a Mediterranean Revival-style lodge and museum adjacent to the water, and I got to look at the preserved remains of "Old Joe", an 11.2-foot alligator that lived in the area until it was shot in 1966.  Joe was said to be one hundred years old.  I've seen gators in zoos, but none were as large as this thing.  I sure wouldn't want to meet one that size out in the wild.

Writing for My Sanity

Almost a month ago, I moved back in with my sister and her family.  I am ever grateful.  They've kept a roof over my head, food in my belly and my computer connected to the web.  I can't ask for more than that.  I really wish, though, that I was back in my own place.  I miss the privacy.  I'd also forgotten how stressful living with three other adults, eight children and assorted pets could be.

In the last couple of days, another conflict has erupted between my sister, her husband and his ex-wife, over their children.  I feel as though I'm head-down in a bunker, with artillery screaming over my head from every direction, and it's escalating by the day.  I started out this post by detailing the whole nasty situation in detail, omitting only the names, but then I decided that would be over-sharing.  I wrote a great portion of it out, just to clear my head, then I deleted the post and started over.  Writing can be cathartic, I see.

Changes Afoot

What's New With Blogger
I haven't been keeping up with this thing like I should.  It's not as though anything is happening with me right now.  I was going to do a post about how there's nothing around where I live, but I decided to wait and see, and now some things have begun to happen.

I logged in a few minutes ago, and I see these links at the top of my Dashboard.  There's a smarmy message about the news being for anyone who didn't get to go to SXSW.  I haven't been much of anywhere in weeks, much less to some overblown music festival in the middle of the desert.  I'm sure it was a blast, and I've seen some nifty video, but I didn't need Blogger to remind me how low I've sunk.

So they're getting ready to change the editing format... AGAIN.  Frankly, I've just gotten the hang of using the current model, and now they want to kick the training wheels off again.  Bastards.  They're getting to be just like Facebook, where the settings for everything change almost weekly.

Once again I've come to let you all know what's going on with me, and I've gone off on yet another tangent.  So sorry.

One Year Later

It was exactly a year ago, almost to the minute, when I stepped off the plane and began my life in Tallahassee, Florida.  If you'll recall, I didn't exactly enjoy the moving process, and Florida did not seem to be the promised land it was made out to be.  None of my plans to sit back and let the world take care of things have ever come to any meaningful fruition, so after a few weeks of wallowing in self pity, I settled down into the business of starting over again.

It's been a slow process.  I didn't try to go back to work right away, but once the hunt began in earnest, I found a good position with a decent company.  Around the same time the Leon County Commission added sexual preference and gender identity to the classes protected under the local civil rights ordinance.  I have yet to take any sort of action on that item, but it's a new year.

A few weeks ago, I received an invite to join a TG support group on Facebook, and it looks like they actually have meetings here in Tallahassee.  There's a meeting scheduled for next Tuesday, and I'm going to try to attend.  The Wednesday after is my birthday.  I don't yet have plans, but I requested the night off so I could have my schedule clear in case something comes up.  Worst case, I'll treat myself to a movie or something, but I'd really like to not be alone.

Coincidentally, It's Groundhog Day.  A couple of hours ago, it's said, Punxsutawney Phil came out of his burrow and did not see his shadow, supposedly predicting an early end to winter.  Most of the US is covered in snow, some of the worst ever seen, but not here in Florida.  Down in the south of the state it's 81° F, but daytime temps here top out in the 60s.  It's still chilly at night, but that'll end soon.

The World Turned Upside Down

So I haven't been able to get online from home since late Thursday night, and to add insult to injury, the cable was out most of the night and following day.  So I didn't know that Keith Olbermann is out at MSNBC until I came into work last night.  MSNBC came in clear for about ten seconds during Countdown, then the screen reverted to black.

I don't really watch much television anymore, and I suppose that frees up five hours to do something else, or discover another program.  I read that they're going to shuffle their evening lineup around to fill the gap, starting with moving Lawrence O'Donnell's program into Keith's slot.  Can they still call it The Last Word if it appears closer to the middle of the evening?  I'll still tune in to watch Rachel Maddow, but she's the only one who's not on during my normal sleeping hours.  Don't get me wrong.  I like MSNBC's other personalities, but I don't see myself rolling out of bed early to watch Chris Matthews or Cenk Uygur.  No offense, guys!

Mom was the one who turned me on to the show.  We used to laugh together over the phone during his Worst Person segments.  Watching the show the last few years has helped me retain a little sanity by continuing something I started with her.  Now that's gone.  Thanks, Comcast!

I'm on Totally Jacked Up Aircraft Photos

I love to take pictures of airplanes.  This dovetailed nicely with volunteering at the Carolinas Aviation Museum when I was in Charlotte, because it was often possible to work and shoot photos at the same time.  The museum, in its original location was perfectly sited between two of the runways, and I got lots of nifty shots.  I also got a lot of duds.  Handheld point-and-shoot digital cameras aren't really made for shooting fast-moving objects.  In the older models there's a sizable gap between when you press the button and when the camera actually takes the picture.  Taking the kind of pictures I like to take was a learning experience, but I got pretty good at it.  That said, I still take lousy pictures from time to time.

I don't remember exactly when or how I discovered Totally Jacked Up Aircraft Photos.  Suffice to say that it provides a little spot of humor in the midst of all the serious blogs I read.  At first, I had no intention of submitting anything to the blog.  After all, I aspire to taking good pictures.  Why would I want to share my failures?

Errare est humanum.

Never Surrender

Filled In

In my "Moved" post from December, I wrote that I was going to get my nails done, and was thinking of going acrylic. For whatever reason, I never followed up on that little tidbit.

I got my pedicure in the usual way, but I talked to the nail tech, a nice lady named Kim, and told her how I was feeling. I thought acrylic nails were those plastic-looking things, but what she did was brush on this acrylic powder, and shape the nails that way. Once they were buffed into the proper shape, she gave me the American manicure I wanted. That was three weeks ago.

I am pleased to report that the acrylic held up great.  The polish was starting to look a little ragged the last few days, but it looked okay for work.  My nails had gotten long in the interim, and if they had been natural, I'd have worried about breaking them.

Today I went in for another pedicure and got my first fill-in.  This is where the tech brushes on additional acrylic to fill in the gap between the previously applied stuff and the nail bed, and then buffs it all down to shape.  For years I've been coming into salons and seeing the price list for "Full Set" and "Fill-Ins", without comprehension.  Now I understand.  I can be so dense sometimes.

After the last trip to the salon, I took photos of my nails to show off here, but a few days after my camera died inexplicably, so you'll just have to imagine how they look.

I'm a Bad Girl

Two Spaces After a Period: Why You Should Never, Ever Do It
It's the way I was taught to type, oh so many years ago. Writing on a computer is typing, is it not? I was trained to end a sentence, after the punctuation mark, with two spaces. Apparently this is improper, and has been for some time. How does one miss out on a point of style like that?

I Did It

I said I wanted to change the title of the blog, and I did so.  Jenny gave me the idea.  I wanted to keep something of the old (my name) but I dropped the "Trans" and also the redundant "Blog".  I don't know about other countries, but here in the States, "jaywalking" is anytime one crosses the street anywhere but at a designated crosswalk, and in a lot of localities, that's a crime, albeit a minor one.  So it's got a subversive edge, something that's been lacking in me lately.

Edit: Since I posted this, I've discovered there is already a blog at http://www.jaye-walking.com/.  It seems I'm not half so clever as I thought.  Maybe they'll let me slide, seeing as I haven't tried to gank their URL or anything, but the writer of the other blog seems to be a law student, and they might be litigious.  Time will tell.