I don't know if anyone still reads this thing, but I am thinking of quitting. My writing has been the most sporadic since I started this thing, despite almost my almost universal access to the web. It's not that I don't have anything else to say; it's just that I don't know if anyone is reading the blog. My last few posts generated a little feedback on Facebook, and a few of them have picked up +1s from Google+, but I don't think anyone is reading the actual blog. I haven't fielded a single comment all year, and that hurts.
I realize that I began this blog as yet another trans blog (did you know there is an actual Yet Another Trans Girl Blog out there?) in a crowd that was already jam-packed. Starting a blog was not the wellspring of inspiration I thought it would be. I thought that having an outlet for my writing would be enough, and for a time it was. My Muse bailed on me, though, and lately I have lacked the will to scale Parnassus to find her. See what I just wrote there? I CAN do this, it's just grown so damned hard. I could write, ad infinitum, about my ongoing love of video games, but I've gotten the sense no one wants to read that stuff here. There are scores of dedicated gamer blogs, blessedly unencumbered by the author's gender identity hang-ups. Ditto for any of the other things that have captured my fancy over the years. There are other sources for that stuff. Anything new to see here? Probably not.
The end of this blog isn't set in stone or anything. I just need to know if I still have an audience. I'm likely to write a little something later this month, if for no other reason because Bioware are releasing a new downloadable content pack for Mass Effect 3, and I may feel compelled to say a little something about it. If anyone actually is still reading me, please, please drop me a line. I'd even accept a well-worded rant at this point.
Showing posts with label Mass Effect 3. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mass Effect 3. Show all posts
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Friday, May 11, 2012
Back from the Brink
Just like that, I went a couple of months without updating the blog. I didn't mean to leave it so long, it's just that there's been a lot going on, and I haven't always been able to shape my thoughts into something coherent, or that anyone would necessarily want to read.
Now, my head's a little clearer. To say that the last couple of months have been eventful would be an understatement. Mass Effect 3 was finally released, and it was okay. Shortly after, I started getting meds again, and I'll hopefully be starting therapy soon. A little over a month ago, my father died. Last but not least, I've started going out and about again, interacting with folks in my feminine persona, and I've largely been accepted. Is it any wonder I've had trouble making sense of it all? I've laid it all out in chronological order, but I hope you'll forgive me if I jump around a bit.
I finally got around to seeing a case worker at the Apalachee Center at the end of February. A couple of weeks after, I saw an ARNP, who gave me scrips for my previous medications, along with a new one, a drug called Abilify. The drugs have helped banish most of my dark thoughts, but they haven't quite un-fogged my brain this time around. I've got another appointment next week, and I'll see if they can adjust things. I haven't made it into any therapy, mostly because I'm not sure where I fit into their programs. When I first came to them last summer, I was jobless and nearly homeless. Today I have a regular job, and make a little more money than their average patient. Hopefully I'll find out something positive next week.
The next paragraph includes spoilers for the game Mass Effect 3. If you haven't played the game, or don't want to know about it, skip the next few bits, and I'll try to signal you when I get past all that.
As you may have heard, Mass Effect 3 was released in March to much fanfare. It is a great game, but it's a little hard for me to play, and not because the gameplay is difficult. ME3 is the end of a series, and it's one of the darkest games I've ever played. There is death and destruction of unparallelled levels; planets fall, people die in the millions, and even your own party members can die. Worst of all, all but one of the possible endings includes the death of Commander Shepard, the hero. That's tough. After three games and countless hours of playing through to different ends and outcomes, I am Commander Shepard. The people who die are my crew, my squadmates. I felt their deaths as acutely as if they were real people.
Okay, anyone who checked out because of my video game nonsense can come back in now.
Dad died April 9th, of lung cancer. Apparently, he went quietly, and not in pain. Losing him hurts, but somehow it doesn't hurt as much as the way I learned of his death. Dad apparently went into the hospital in mid-March. He was there for about three weeks before the end. His nurse called a couple of hours before, to let us know he had maybe a couple of days. She called back less than two hours later to inform us of his passing. I would've liked to know he was sick. I might've been able to work out a way to visit him, had I known. When I finally learned, I was broke (till payday, anyway) and not in a position to come to a funeral.
I've had a hard time grieving. I've cried a little, but I'm emotionally worn. I've been tired, irritable and somewhat emotional, and that's with the aid of antidepressants. Who knows what a wreck I might be left to my own devices?
On a more positive note, as I mentioned before, I've been getting out a bit. Two weeks ago I stepped out for a pedicure, my first since last year. Last week I got out for a Tallahassee Atheist event, a rally in front of the Capitol in support of a National Day of Reason. I remember joking with someone that being transgendered was more acceptable to some people than being an atheist. I had a good time, and we had a nice dinner afterward. It's nice to have friends and be part of something again.
Now, my head's a little clearer. To say that the last couple of months have been eventful would be an understatement. Mass Effect 3 was finally released, and it was okay. Shortly after, I started getting meds again, and I'll hopefully be starting therapy soon. A little over a month ago, my father died. Last but not least, I've started going out and about again, interacting with folks in my feminine persona, and I've largely been accepted. Is it any wonder I've had trouble making sense of it all? I've laid it all out in chronological order, but I hope you'll forgive me if I jump around a bit.
I finally got around to seeing a case worker at the Apalachee Center at the end of February. A couple of weeks after, I saw an ARNP, who gave me scrips for my previous medications, along with a new one, a drug called Abilify. The drugs have helped banish most of my dark thoughts, but they haven't quite un-fogged my brain this time around. I've got another appointment next week, and I'll see if they can adjust things. I haven't made it into any therapy, mostly because I'm not sure where I fit into their programs. When I first came to them last summer, I was jobless and nearly homeless. Today I have a regular job, and make a little more money than their average patient. Hopefully I'll find out something positive next week.
The next paragraph includes spoilers for the game Mass Effect 3. If you haven't played the game, or don't want to know about it, skip the next few bits, and I'll try to signal you when I get past all that.
As you may have heard, Mass Effect 3 was released in March to much fanfare. It is a great game, but it's a little hard for me to play, and not because the gameplay is difficult. ME3 is the end of a series, and it's one of the darkest games I've ever played. There is death and destruction of unparallelled levels; planets fall, people die in the millions, and even your own party members can die. Worst of all, all but one of the possible endings includes the death of Commander Shepard, the hero. That's tough. After three games and countless hours of playing through to different ends and outcomes, I am Commander Shepard. The people who die are my crew, my squadmates. I felt their deaths as acutely as if they were real people.
Okay, anyone who checked out because of my video game nonsense can come back in now.
Dad died April 9th, of lung cancer. Apparently, he went quietly, and not in pain. Losing him hurts, but somehow it doesn't hurt as much as the way I learned of his death. Dad apparently went into the hospital in mid-March. He was there for about three weeks before the end. His nurse called a couple of hours before, to let us know he had maybe a couple of days. She called back less than two hours later to inform us of his passing. I would've liked to know he was sick. I might've been able to work out a way to visit him, had I known. When I finally learned, I was broke (till payday, anyway) and not in a position to come to a funeral.
I've had a hard time grieving. I've cried a little, but I'm emotionally worn. I've been tired, irritable and somewhat emotional, and that's with the aid of antidepressants. Who knows what a wreck I might be left to my own devices?
On a more positive note, as I mentioned before, I've been getting out a bit. Two weeks ago I stepped out for a pedicure, my first since last year. Last week I got out for a Tallahassee Atheist event, a rally in front of the Capitol in support of a National Day of Reason. I remember joking with someone that being transgendered was more acceptable to some people than being an atheist. I had a good time, and we had a nice dinner afterward. It's nice to have friends and be part of something again.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Counting Down the Days
Three days till I sit down with someone at the Apalachee Center to see if I can get back into an outpatient psych program. Fourteen days till the release of Mass Effect 3. One event fills me with a mixture of hope and uncertainty, whilst the other fills me with excitement. Yeah, I know. My priorities are out of whack. If it takes the hope for a new video game to get me through the next two weeks, I see it as a small price to pay.
If I can get back into the program, then I can start seeing a therapist, get back onto antidepressants, and maybe get a referral to a gender specialist. I don't like the idea of being dependent on chemicals, but I have seen what has become of me without them, and I'll risk a little dependency for peace of mind. In any case, I'll know something in a few days.
It's been on-and-off, but I've been going out more. I haven't been back to the movies, but I've done some shopping, and last weekend I made it out to another Skeptics in the Pub event. This time I managed to get out en femme. No one had anything negative to say, not even the folks who didn't know about that side of me. It's nice hanging out with open-minded people.
I haven't let my love for video games dominate this blog, but I have occasionally let it have its way here. Today is the latest instance. This trailer features my character, the (real) female Commander Shepard.
This trailer debuted last night during AMC's "The Walking Dead", it shows a little of what the player is fighting for.
On February 14th, Bioware released a demo of the game over Xbox Live, and I have been playing it over and over. They don't let you import your established characters into the demo, but you get to play as each of the six character classes, and they let you play out the game's opening level, as well as an abbreviated version of a later section, so you can try out some of the new abilities and such. It's a great intro to the game and universe for new players, as well as a nice teaser for those of us who have followed since the beginning of the trilogy. I have more to say about the game, but I fear it'd be opaque to most of my readers, so I'll abstain from a deeper critique. Maybe after the game comes out I'll write something lengthier.
If I can get back into the program, then I can start seeing a therapist, get back onto antidepressants, and maybe get a referral to a gender specialist. I don't like the idea of being dependent on chemicals, but I have seen what has become of me without them, and I'll risk a little dependency for peace of mind. In any case, I'll know something in a few days.
It's been on-and-off, but I've been going out more. I haven't been back to the movies, but I've done some shopping, and last weekend I made it out to another Skeptics in the Pub event. This time I managed to get out en femme. No one had anything negative to say, not even the folks who didn't know about that side of me. It's nice hanging out with open-minded people.
I haven't let my love for video games dominate this blog, but I have occasionally let it have its way here. Today is the latest instance. This trailer features my character, the (real) female Commander Shepard.
This trailer debuted last night during AMC's "The Walking Dead", it shows a little of what the player is fighting for.
On February 14th, Bioware released a demo of the game over Xbox Live, and I have been playing it over and over. They don't let you import your established characters into the demo, but you get to play as each of the six character classes, and they let you play out the game's opening level, as well as an abbreviated version of a later section, so you can try out some of the new abilities and such. It's a great intro to the game and universe for new players, as well as a nice teaser for those of us who have followed since the beginning of the trilogy. I have more to say about the game, but I fear it'd be opaque to most of my readers, so I'll abstain from a deeper critique. Maybe after the game comes out I'll write something lengthier.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Some Developments
I thought I should provide an update, what with things moving so erratically of late.
It would appear that I did not get the job. I thought it was my best interview yet, but a week has passed, and I've received no phone calls. I really wanted to work there, too. It would have made the rest of this easy, going forward.
After weeks of being poor like me, my sister has come into some money. She's buying a car this weekend, because her truck crapped out. If I had gotten this position, she and her husband were going to help me get one as well. They still might get another vehicle, but I won't have any claim on it, unless they allow me to use it.
I think I've found a place to live, at least in the short-term. One of my friends in Tallahassee Atheists has a spare room, and he's willing to let me live there in exchange for working on his yard. He's offering room and board, and all I have to do is mow his lawn and keep up the yard. Sounds like a steal, right? His property is about three acres. I'll certainly be earning my keep if I move out there.
I made some changes over on Facebook. I changed my profile picture to one of me in my current guise, id est, I'm male. I backtracked all the trans information out of my publicly-accessible profile and hid all of my femme photos. It's both honest (who I am on the outside) and dishonest (lying to myself and everyone else). I'm just in a rough space at the moment. I'm not sure what I am anymore. I keep saying I'm going to trek down the road to the local Leon County Health Department office to see if I can get any help, but I've yet to do so. If I move in with my friend, I won't be able to do that anymore, as he lives eight miles outside of Tally proper.
Anyway, enough about the depressing stuff. I didn't notice when I changed the format, but the wallpaper image used with this template is a painting of the view out the window of some large jet. I like that. It implies movement, a feeling of going somewhere (and not in a handbasket).
In the midst of everything that's happened the last few weeks, my old friends at Bioware released a bunch of information about Mass Effect 3, set to debut next March. It's silly, but if nothing else, seeing this game trilogy to its conclusion gives me something to live for. One of the trailers is below.
It would appear that I did not get the job. I thought it was my best interview yet, but a week has passed, and I've received no phone calls. I really wanted to work there, too. It would have made the rest of this easy, going forward.
After weeks of being poor like me, my sister has come into some money. She's buying a car this weekend, because her truck crapped out. If I had gotten this position, she and her husband were going to help me get one as well. They still might get another vehicle, but I won't have any claim on it, unless they allow me to use it.
I think I've found a place to live, at least in the short-term. One of my friends in Tallahassee Atheists has a spare room, and he's willing to let me live there in exchange for working on his yard. He's offering room and board, and all I have to do is mow his lawn and keep up the yard. Sounds like a steal, right? His property is about three acres. I'll certainly be earning my keep if I move out there.
I made some changes over on Facebook. I changed my profile picture to one of me in my current guise, id est, I'm male. I backtracked all the trans information out of my publicly-accessible profile and hid all of my femme photos. It's both honest (who I am on the outside) and dishonest (lying to myself and everyone else). I'm just in a rough space at the moment. I'm not sure what I am anymore. I keep saying I'm going to trek down the road to the local Leon County Health Department office to see if I can get any help, but I've yet to do so. If I move in with my friend, I won't be able to do that anymore, as he lives eight miles outside of Tally proper.
Anyway, enough about the depressing stuff. I didn't notice when I changed the format, but the wallpaper image used with this template is a painting of the view out the window of some large jet. I like that. It implies movement, a feeling of going somewhere (and not in a handbasket).
In the midst of everything that's happened the last few weeks, my old friends at Bioware released a bunch of information about Mass Effect 3, set to debut next March. It's silly, but if nothing else, seeing this game trilogy to its conclusion gives me something to live for. One of the trailers is below.
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