Let me open this one with a link:
Pretty is not something I often feel
Heather Ryan writes from the perspective of the plus-sized woman, and I guess I know something about that life, being somewhat large myself. It's not the same, but I think I understand something of how she feels.
I have not entered into any sort of a relationship since my marriage ended. I've had one casual hookup, and kissed a couple of people, but I've not dated or gotten as far as being "involved" with anyone. I'm not sure I know how anymore. I miss certain elements of being in a relationship, but I just don't know if I'm capable anymore.
The woman I married knew what I was when we tied the knot. I think she knew better than I did, yet she still tried to engineer it out of me. "I don't need you to do that anymore" was a common refrain. I know better now. Anyone I was to become involved with now would have to know all, and accept me, and love me for things to work. "Maybe I'm just 2 demanding," so the song goes, but I've become an all or nothing lover, and I don't want it any other way.
It's not like I haven't been attracted to anyone. It's just that my feelings are seldom reciprocated. There are always caveats. Can't be in a relationship with anyone I work with. A lot of women who like me are turned off by the gender identity stuff. I mean, they're cool with me being the way I am; they just don't want to be with me that way. Some men find me attractive, but either they like the male side of me and not the female, or they're turned off because I'm too far to the male side of the spectrum to be attractive to them. Those guys who used to message me on Facebook were much the same.
I can definitely relate to not feeling pretty. It's not that I see myself as ugly. I like to think my inner beauty at least partly shines through to the outside. It's this body that puts me off myself. I've got great legs, and all the walking has certainly helped me there. My lumpy torso, on the other hand... It's frustrating.
During my one of my trips out in January, I bought a new bra from Victoria's Secret. I remember being overjoyed that they had something I could wear. I got one of their "Biofit Uplift" bras. "Biofit Uplift" is fancy VS language for "push-up". I've never worn a push-up bra before, at least not with real breast forms, and so I wasn't prepared for the "uplift" feature. One of the last times I tried to go out, I had to keep changing my top because of the bra. I could've gotten away with showing a bit of cleavage, except that my breasts don't look that realistic without fabric covering them. I ended up changing both the bra and my top, so it ceased to be an issue, but it left me feeling depressed, and that led to me canceling the trip outright.
Last month I went out to Skeptics in the Pub. Walking from the bus stop to the bar, I bumped into a pleasant-seeming fellow who walked with me a ways before turning home. We had a nice chat, I thought, except that he seemed to want me to come home with him, and I was reluctant to run off with a complete stranger. I do have some feminine instincts. Leaving out the usual self-preservation stuff, I didn't go with him because I got a little of a "tranny chaser" vibe from him. Maybe I read him wrong, but I don't want to be with somebody who just wants me for the novelty of sleeping with a girl who has something extra. I did give him my phone number, but it's almost a month on, and I haven't heard from him. I guess I sent him all the wrong signals, too.
Showing posts with label facebook. Show all posts
Showing posts with label facebook. Show all posts
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Facebook: Actually Good for Something After All
I have gone on, at length in this blog about my love/hate relationship with Facebook. Some of the changes they've made in the last year are mind-boggling (at least to me). Don't get me started on they way they integrated chat with messaging.
In all the hubbub of the past week, I forgot an event I should make note of. Last Monday I was scheduled to work the audit shift. Due to the proverbial series of unfortunate events, all of my sister's vehicles were deadlined. The last public bus running that way left around the time I discovered the cars were all out. I didn't have the money for a taxi, and one of my managers said she could come to get me, but I'd have had to spring for gas. As a last-ditch maneuver, I posted my situation on Facebook, and asked if anyone in my Tallahassee circle of friends could convey me to work.
The first comments to my Status update were people from parts elsewhere, wishing me luck, or telling me that if only they still lived in Tally, they'd be happy to take me. After an hour of that, I began to despair of finding a ride. Then I got a comment from one of my local friends, someone I befriended through the Tallahassee A's, but had yet to actually meet. She asked me where I lived, where I had to go, and when I had to be there. Over the next hour, we sorted all of that out, and she drove over a little after 10pm to pick me up.
I was pretty sure that I had posted at some point that I was skosh cash, but it ended up being somewhat of a surprise. I have promised to buy her drinks at the next Skeptics' outing, or any other time she chooses, so we're sort of squared away.
So I got to meet someone who's pretty cool, and got a ride to work in the bargain. I'd like to think that that might be the future of social networking: not merely for connecting people, but for helping them get the things they need.
In all the hubbub of the past week, I forgot an event I should make note of. Last Monday I was scheduled to work the audit shift. Due to the proverbial series of unfortunate events, all of my sister's vehicles were deadlined. The last public bus running that way left around the time I discovered the cars were all out. I didn't have the money for a taxi, and one of my managers said she could come to get me, but I'd have had to spring for gas. As a last-ditch maneuver, I posted my situation on Facebook, and asked if anyone in my Tallahassee circle of friends could convey me to work.
The first comments to my Status update were people from parts elsewhere, wishing me luck, or telling me that if only they still lived in Tally, they'd be happy to take me. After an hour of that, I began to despair of finding a ride. Then I got a comment from one of my local friends, someone I befriended through the Tallahassee A's, but had yet to actually meet. She asked me where I lived, where I had to go, and when I had to be there. Over the next hour, we sorted all of that out, and she drove over a little after 10pm to pick me up.
I was pretty sure that I had posted at some point that I was skosh cash, but it ended up being somewhat of a surprise. I have promised to buy her drinks at the next Skeptics' outing, or any other time she chooses, so we're sort of squared away.
So I got to meet someone who's pretty cool, and got a ride to work in the bargain. I'd like to think that that might be the future of social networking: not merely for connecting people, but for helping them get the things they need.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Taking a Little Vacation
The last few weeks have been rough. When I last wrote, I was preparing to move out of my sister's house. Or at least, I was preparing for my sister to move out of her house. We spent a lot of days in June breaking down the house, packing things into boxes and readying other items for sale. We started having a yard sale on the weekends, to raise money until my sister got the money she was waiting for. We sold a lot that first week: an LCD television, two bed sets, a DVD player and most of the major kitchen appliances. Yeah, they sold the refrigerator and the microwave on the first day of the sale, some three weeks before the scheduled move.
Two days after my last posts, the City of Tallahassee shut off the electricity. My sister had just acquired thousands of dollars from various relatives, but she didn't use it to pay the light bill. Those last six days and nights at the old house were hellish. We'd work from sunrise to sunset doing whatever needed to be done, then it we'd sit in the house and read by candlelight. I was already depressed, but losing electricity meant losing access to the internet, too, and my circle of friends shrunk from dozens to a mere handful. Connected to the world by the web, I have many friends, scattered across six of the seven continents. Without the web, I can count my friends on the fingers of one hand.
If you'll recall, I was waiting for an opportunity to move in with the gentleman I met through the Tallahassee Atheists group. It was a tidy little setup. He was offering me room and board in exchange for keeping up the yard around his house. Do you remember that I thought the offer was too good to be true? A couple of days into that last week, I called my friend to let him know that the move was taking longer than I'd thought. I had been told that we'd be getting a moving truck on Monday of that week. As it happened, we didn't get it until midday on Thursday. I called to make sure we were still on, and told him I wouldn't be ready to move until Friday evening, or possibly Saturday morning. All of my things were packed up, but I wasn't going to bail out on my sister until the move was done. My friend had told me previously that he might be going out of town for the Fourth of July weekend, and when we talked, he told me that he'd wait for my call Saturday morning.
As it happens, we didn't finish the move until last Saturday afternoon, after my friend told me that he'd be going out of town. I spent the weekend with my brother at the store in Havana. It's a little cramped, but I've been able to get back online, and I've kept myself busy helping out with the store's operations. On Tuesday (July 5th), I sent my friend a message on Facebook asking when would be a good time to call. I never received a response. On Wednesday I called, and the phone went to voicemail without ringing, which told me his phone was turned off. I called again Thursday and the phone rang, but went to voicemail again. I left another message indicating I was ready to move; I just needed to know when it was okay to come out to his house. I never got a callback.
Yesterday my friend sent me a message on Facebook, saying that he never heard from me, so the room is no longer available. He said he looked forward to seeing me at a future atheist function, and signed off. I was so mad I could have walked out into traffic. Obviously I didn't, but I thought about it. This brings me to my next thought, and the point of this post.
I've been depressed for a long time, but I've never sought any kind of help for it. This has been a mistake. I should have reached out for professional help last year when my thoughts turned to suicide, but I thought I could keep myself away from the brink on my own. I spent a couple of hours the other night talking with my sister and my brother. My brother has suffered from depression in one form or another since he was seventeen. It runs in my family: my grandfather suffered from post traumatic stress disorder and was an alcoholic; both of my uncles had problems with drugs and/or alcohol and one of them killed himself when I was eleven. My mom had problems of that sort later in life, but they were overshadowed by her other health difficulties. I can hardly imagine how she held it together all those years watching her children lurch from catastrophe to the next. During the course of our discussion, I mentioned my misgivings about moving in with my friend. He's a little paranoid, and has a house full of guns. That's not the sort of environment I need to move into in my current circumstances. My friend lives twelve miles outside of Tallahassee proper, and with no vehicle of my own, I'd have no way to get around on my own. so I'd be stuck out there, often all alone, with a house full of firearms and my black moods.
My sister is out of town this weekend. I've been helping my brother keep shop, but I'm biding my time till she returns. Monday or Tuesday next week, I'm going to do something about my depression and thoughts of suicide. I've got neither a job, nor insurance, nor money of my own, so I'm going to the emergency room at the hospital. My brother has done this in the past. I'll tell them what's been going on and we'll see what happens. They might admit me for a few days, so I can talk to a doctor, and undergo tests, and maybe get some medication. Because I'm essentially indigent, I'll see if I qualify for Medicaid, which is paid out of the deductions from my wages from every job I've held since the age of fifteen. I may as well get some use out of it. I might be offline for a few days after this, but I'll be sure to report my condition after I get back.
Two days after my last posts, the City of Tallahassee shut off the electricity. My sister had just acquired thousands of dollars from various relatives, but she didn't use it to pay the light bill. Those last six days and nights at the old house were hellish. We'd work from sunrise to sunset doing whatever needed to be done, then it we'd sit in the house and read by candlelight. I was already depressed, but losing electricity meant losing access to the internet, too, and my circle of friends shrunk from dozens to a mere handful. Connected to the world by the web, I have many friends, scattered across six of the seven continents. Without the web, I can count my friends on the fingers of one hand.
If you'll recall, I was waiting for an opportunity to move in with the gentleman I met through the Tallahassee Atheists group. It was a tidy little setup. He was offering me room and board in exchange for keeping up the yard around his house. Do you remember that I thought the offer was too good to be true? A couple of days into that last week, I called my friend to let him know that the move was taking longer than I'd thought. I had been told that we'd be getting a moving truck on Monday of that week. As it happened, we didn't get it until midday on Thursday. I called to make sure we were still on, and told him I wouldn't be ready to move until Friday evening, or possibly Saturday morning. All of my things were packed up, but I wasn't going to bail out on my sister until the move was done. My friend had told me previously that he might be going out of town for the Fourth of July weekend, and when we talked, he told me that he'd wait for my call Saturday morning.
As it happens, we didn't finish the move until last Saturday afternoon, after my friend told me that he'd be going out of town. I spent the weekend with my brother at the store in Havana. It's a little cramped, but I've been able to get back online, and I've kept myself busy helping out with the store's operations. On Tuesday (July 5th), I sent my friend a message on Facebook asking when would be a good time to call. I never received a response. On Wednesday I called, and the phone went to voicemail without ringing, which told me his phone was turned off. I called again Thursday and the phone rang, but went to voicemail again. I left another message indicating I was ready to move; I just needed to know when it was okay to come out to his house. I never got a callback.
Yesterday my friend sent me a message on Facebook, saying that he never heard from me, so the room is no longer available. He said he looked forward to seeing me at a future atheist function, and signed off. I was so mad I could have walked out into traffic. Obviously I didn't, but I thought about it. This brings me to my next thought, and the point of this post.
I've been depressed for a long time, but I've never sought any kind of help for it. This has been a mistake. I should have reached out for professional help last year when my thoughts turned to suicide, but I thought I could keep myself away from the brink on my own. I spent a couple of hours the other night talking with my sister and my brother. My brother has suffered from depression in one form or another since he was seventeen. It runs in my family: my grandfather suffered from post traumatic stress disorder and was an alcoholic; both of my uncles had problems with drugs and/or alcohol and one of them killed himself when I was eleven. My mom had problems of that sort later in life, but they were overshadowed by her other health difficulties. I can hardly imagine how she held it together all those years watching her children lurch from catastrophe to the next. During the course of our discussion, I mentioned my misgivings about moving in with my friend. He's a little paranoid, and has a house full of guns. That's not the sort of environment I need to move into in my current circumstances. My friend lives twelve miles outside of Tallahassee proper, and with no vehicle of my own, I'd have no way to get around on my own. so I'd be stuck out there, often all alone, with a house full of firearms and my black moods.
My sister is out of town this weekend. I've been helping my brother keep shop, but I'm biding my time till she returns. Monday or Tuesday next week, I'm going to do something about my depression and thoughts of suicide. I've got neither a job, nor insurance, nor money of my own, so I'm going to the emergency room at the hospital. My brother has done this in the past. I'll tell them what's been going on and we'll see what happens. They might admit me for a few days, so I can talk to a doctor, and undergo tests, and maybe get some medication. Because I'm essentially indigent, I'll see if I qualify for Medicaid, which is paid out of the deductions from my wages from every job I've held since the age of fifteen. I may as well get some use out of it. I might be offline for a few days after this, but I'll be sure to report my condition after I get back.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Some Developments
I thought I should provide an update, what with things moving so erratically of late.
It would appear that I did not get the job. I thought it was my best interview yet, but a week has passed, and I've received no phone calls. I really wanted to work there, too. It would have made the rest of this easy, going forward.
After weeks of being poor like me, my sister has come into some money. She's buying a car this weekend, because her truck crapped out. If I had gotten this position, she and her husband were going to help me get one as well. They still might get another vehicle, but I won't have any claim on it, unless they allow me to use it.
I think I've found a place to live, at least in the short-term. One of my friends in Tallahassee Atheists has a spare room, and he's willing to let me live there in exchange for working on his yard. He's offering room and board, and all I have to do is mow his lawn and keep up the yard. Sounds like a steal, right? His property is about three acres. I'll certainly be earning my keep if I move out there.
I made some changes over on Facebook. I changed my profile picture to one of me in my current guise, id est, I'm male. I backtracked all the trans information out of my publicly-accessible profile and hid all of my femme photos. It's both honest (who I am on the outside) and dishonest (lying to myself and everyone else). I'm just in a rough space at the moment. I'm not sure what I am anymore. I keep saying I'm going to trek down the road to the local Leon County Health Department office to see if I can get any help, but I've yet to do so. If I move in with my friend, I won't be able to do that anymore, as he lives eight miles outside of Tally proper.
Anyway, enough about the depressing stuff. I didn't notice when I changed the format, but the wallpaper image used with this template is a painting of the view out the window of some large jet. I like that. It implies movement, a feeling of going somewhere (and not in a handbasket).
In the midst of everything that's happened the last few weeks, my old friends at Bioware released a bunch of information about Mass Effect 3, set to debut next March. It's silly, but if nothing else, seeing this game trilogy to its conclusion gives me something to live for. One of the trailers is below.
It would appear that I did not get the job. I thought it was my best interview yet, but a week has passed, and I've received no phone calls. I really wanted to work there, too. It would have made the rest of this easy, going forward.
After weeks of being poor like me, my sister has come into some money. She's buying a car this weekend, because her truck crapped out. If I had gotten this position, she and her husband were going to help me get one as well. They still might get another vehicle, but I won't have any claim on it, unless they allow me to use it.
I think I've found a place to live, at least in the short-term. One of my friends in Tallahassee Atheists has a spare room, and he's willing to let me live there in exchange for working on his yard. He's offering room and board, and all I have to do is mow his lawn and keep up the yard. Sounds like a steal, right? His property is about three acres. I'll certainly be earning my keep if I move out there.
I made some changes over on Facebook. I changed my profile picture to one of me in my current guise, id est, I'm male. I backtracked all the trans information out of my publicly-accessible profile and hid all of my femme photos. It's both honest (who I am on the outside) and dishonest (lying to myself and everyone else). I'm just in a rough space at the moment. I'm not sure what I am anymore. I keep saying I'm going to trek down the road to the local Leon County Health Department office to see if I can get any help, but I've yet to do so. If I move in with my friend, I won't be able to do that anymore, as he lives eight miles outside of Tally proper.
Anyway, enough about the depressing stuff. I didn't notice when I changed the format, but the wallpaper image used with this template is a painting of the view out the window of some large jet. I like that. It implies movement, a feeling of going somewhere (and not in a handbasket).
In the midst of everything that's happened the last few weeks, my old friends at Bioware released a bunch of information about Mass Effect 3, set to debut next March. It's silly, but if nothing else, seeing this game trilogy to its conclusion gives me something to live for. One of the trailers is below.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Out and About
Today I attended my first meeting of the Tallahassee Atheists. That was a nice little hike, 3.7 miles. It only took about an hour. The meeting was held (for the last time) in a little storefront called The Divine Union. Next month we're moving our functions to the All Saints Cafe. The irony of a humanist group meeting in places with religious names is not lost on anyone. There were about eight people there. This was my first time, but I was recognized immediately. I connected with the group through Facebook, where I am only known in my femme persona, but I attended the meeting in drab because of the heat and the distance of the walk. Once I explained my situation, no one thought I was weird, which was a relief.
We didn't talk about much, just plans for founding a local secular community center, and some local political stuff. Did you know that Florida's governor, Rick Scott, has the lowest approval rating of any governor in all the fifty states? Yeah, it's down to 29%. I haven't had a lot of time to absorb the local political atmosphere, and I learned quite a bit. After that, we discussed the move to All Saints, plans for next month's movie night (Monty Python's Life of Brian) and plans for a barbeque, which ended up getting folded in with movie night, for an all-day affair. There were refreshments, donuts and a Japanese snack called Daifuku mochi. This is a rice cake stuffed with flavored red bean paste. The one I sampled was flavored with peanut butter. I've had all manner of peanut butter snacks, but this had the strangest texture I've ever experienced. I won't try to gross anyone out by trying to describe that texture, but it triggered a moment of cognitive dissonance. At least, I think that's the proper word.
Afterward, one of the members was generous enough to spot me lunch, and another gave me a ride home, and said he was willing to do so in future. All around this was a really nice bunch of people. It was nice to spend time with my own kind, so to speak.
We didn't talk about much, just plans for founding a local secular community center, and some local political stuff. Did you know that Florida's governor, Rick Scott, has the lowest approval rating of any governor in all the fifty states? Yeah, it's down to 29%. I haven't had a lot of time to absorb the local political atmosphere, and I learned quite a bit. After that, we discussed the move to All Saints, plans for next month's movie night (Monty Python's Life of Brian) and plans for a barbeque, which ended up getting folded in with movie night, for an all-day affair. There were refreshments, donuts and a Japanese snack called Daifuku mochi. This is a rice cake stuffed with flavored red bean paste. The one I sampled was flavored with peanut butter. I've had all manner of peanut butter snacks, but this had the strangest texture I've ever experienced. I won't try to gross anyone out by trying to describe that texture, but it triggered a moment of cognitive dissonance. At least, I think that's the proper word.
Afterward, one of the members was generous enough to spot me lunch, and another gave me a ride home, and said he was willing to do so in future. All around this was a really nice bunch of people. It was nice to spend time with my own kind, so to speak.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Some News
Another month goes by without a post from me. I wish I could say I've been busy, but the truth is I didn't want to post anything here until I had something meaningful to say. I hope today's missive fills the bill.
I went to another job interview yesterday. Yes, I went to a job interview on Saturday. I thought it a little odd, but the unemployed don't complain about interview times. I was happy just to have been called in for one. I feel good about this one. It's another hotel position, this time at a hotel in Quincy, which is about half an hour west of here. They told me I can expect a call next week, Monday or Tuesday.
On the social side of things, I've made some new friends via Facebook. One of them has put me in an awkward spot, though. A couple of weeks ago, Keith Olbermann activated a fan page on FB for his forthcoming show on Current TV. Shortly after that, I got a Friend Request from another fan. I've built friendships out of less substantial connections than shared love of a celebrity, so I accepted the request. My new friend is a gentleman in New York. We've chatted online a couple of times, and the chats are a little disturbing (to me, anyway). He's only seen the handful of photos I have online. He knows I'm transgendered, but I think he's under the impression that I'm full-time. I wish I was, but I'm not at a place in my life where that is yet feasible. In our chats he's been hinting at wanting something romantic. He said something the other night about "spooning while we watch the fireworks" on July 4th. He seems like a nice guy, but I'm not looking for a relationship, not even a long-distance one. I don't want to lead him on, either. I'm not a gold-digger. His attention is flattering, but how can I let him down easy?
I went to another job interview yesterday. Yes, I went to a job interview on Saturday. I thought it a little odd, but the unemployed don't complain about interview times. I was happy just to have been called in for one. I feel good about this one. It's another hotel position, this time at a hotel in Quincy, which is about half an hour west of here. They told me I can expect a call next week, Monday or Tuesday.
On the social side of things, I've made some new friends via Facebook. One of them has put me in an awkward spot, though. A couple of weeks ago, Keith Olbermann activated a fan page on FB for his forthcoming show on Current TV. Shortly after that, I got a Friend Request from another fan. I've built friendships out of less substantial connections than shared love of a celebrity, so I accepted the request. My new friend is a gentleman in New York. We've chatted online a couple of times, and the chats are a little disturbing (to me, anyway). He's only seen the handful of photos I have online. He knows I'm transgendered, but I think he's under the impression that I'm full-time. I wish I was, but I'm not at a place in my life where that is yet feasible. In our chats he's been hinting at wanting something romantic. He said something the other night about "spooning while we watch the fireworks" on July 4th. He seems like a nice guy, but I'm not looking for a relationship, not even a long-distance one. I don't want to lead him on, either. I'm not a gold-digger. His attention is flattering, but how can I let him down easy?
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Changes Afoot
What's New With Blogger
I haven't been keeping up with this thing like I should. It's not as though anything is happening with me right now. I was going to do a post about how there's nothing around where I live, but I decided to wait and see, and now some things have begun to happen.
I logged in a few minutes ago, and I see these links at the top of my Dashboard. There's a smarmy message about the news being for anyone who didn't get to go to SXSW. I haven't been much of anywhere in weeks, much less to some overblown music festival in the middle of the desert. I'm sure it was a blast, and I've seen some nifty video, but I didn't need Blogger to remind me how low I've sunk.
So they're getting ready to change the editing format... AGAIN. Frankly, I've just gotten the hang of using the current model, and now they want to kick the training wheels off again. Bastards. They're getting to be just like Facebook, where the settings for everything change almost weekly.
Once again I've come to let you all know what's going on with me, and I've gone off on yet another tangent. So sorry.
I haven't been keeping up with this thing like I should. It's not as though anything is happening with me right now. I was going to do a post about how there's nothing around where I live, but I decided to wait and see, and now some things have begun to happen.
I logged in a few minutes ago, and I see these links at the top of my Dashboard. There's a smarmy message about the news being for anyone who didn't get to go to SXSW. I haven't been much of anywhere in weeks, much less to some overblown music festival in the middle of the desert. I'm sure it was a blast, and I've seen some nifty video, but I didn't need Blogger to remind me how low I've sunk.
So they're getting ready to change the editing format... AGAIN. Frankly, I've just gotten the hang of using the current model, and now they want to kick the training wheels off again. Bastards. They're getting to be just like Facebook, where the settings for everything change almost weekly.
Once again I've come to let you all know what's going on with me, and I've gone off on yet another tangent. So sorry.
Monday, February 21, 2011
What Fresh Hell Is This?
Apparently, that how Dorothy Parker answered the telephone. Supposedly it originated when someone interrupted her train of thought, but she ended up using it as a greeting, to answer the phone or the door. I might have to try it.
In any case, it's been a long month. I've been banging out resumes to anyone with an open position, and so far all I've received was one response, a politely-worded "Thanks, but the position has been filled." I'm beginning to wonder if it's time to change professions. I've not worked in any business but hotels since 1998. I've got no degrees, so it's mostly been one long series of working the same job over and over, with little to no hope of advancement. I'd go back to school, but no one will finance my education until I pay off my debts, including a student loan which dates back to 1991.
My sister (ex-in-law, whatever) suggested I shift my job search south, as her husband is doing. She suggested Panama City and Orlando (the vacation capital of America). Both have some nice positions open, but most of the ads I saw are only taking walk-in applicants. I don't have access to a vehicle now (Vicki sold her van), so I can't exactly drive to either place to apply. Since I came to Florida, I've had the feeling that Tallahassee was only a way station, that I'm meant to travel further south. Orlando, or even Miami would put me much closer to a lot of trans-friendly business and support structures, too.
If I don't find another job soon, I'll have to vacate the guest house and move back in with my sister. She ditched the big house in December and moved her brood into a double-wide by the airport. She's getting ready to oust a housemate next month, so I might be able to move into my own room again.
The day I lost my job, I did a little shopping. A trip to the mall yielded a new purse from Burlington Coat Factory, and at Game Stop I found a used copy of Halo 3: ODST. I originally wrote a little about this game back in 2009, but I sidestepped it in my anticipation of Mass Effect 2. I haven't had much else to do in the last few weeks, and the game has eaten up lots of hours.
Deprived of a vehicle, I've been doing a lot of walking. The shopping center with a Publix grocery store and my favorite nail salon is 2.8 miles from my current residence. A Walmart SuperCenter is 3.3 miles away, in the other direction. Daytime temps have reached the seventies, so the walking's been good. Twice people driving by have honked their horns and waved at me, but they were traveling too fast for me to see who they were. I suppose they might have been some people I used to work with at the hotel, but I didn't see them. Today a dude drove by shouting something derogatory. I didn't hear the words, but I'd know that tone anywhere. Again, he whizzed by at 50 mph, and I have no idea what he said or why. I just went about my business.
In any case, it's been a long month. I've been banging out resumes to anyone with an open position, and so far all I've received was one response, a politely-worded "Thanks, but the position has been filled." I'm beginning to wonder if it's time to change professions. I've not worked in any business but hotels since 1998. I've got no degrees, so it's mostly been one long series of working the same job over and over, with little to no hope of advancement. I'd go back to school, but no one will finance my education until I pay off my debts, including a student loan which dates back to 1991.
My sister (ex-in-law, whatever) suggested I shift my job search south, as her husband is doing. She suggested Panama City and Orlando (the vacation capital of America). Both have some nice positions open, but most of the ads I saw are only taking walk-in applicants. I don't have access to a vehicle now (Vicki sold her van), so I can't exactly drive to either place to apply. Since I came to Florida, I've had the feeling that Tallahassee was only a way station, that I'm meant to travel further south. Orlando, or even Miami would put me much closer to a lot of trans-friendly business and support structures, too.
If I don't find another job soon, I'll have to vacate the guest house and move back in with my sister. She ditched the big house in December and moved her brood into a double-wide by the airport. She's getting ready to oust a housemate next month, so I might be able to move into my own room again.
The day I lost my job, I did a little shopping. A trip to the mall yielded a new purse from Burlington Coat Factory, and at Game Stop I found a used copy of Halo 3: ODST. I originally wrote a little about this game back in 2009, but I sidestepped it in my anticipation of Mass Effect 2. I haven't had much else to do in the last few weeks, and the game has eaten up lots of hours.
Deprived of a vehicle, I've been doing a lot of walking. The shopping center with a Publix grocery store and my favorite nail salon is 2.8 miles from my current residence. A Walmart SuperCenter is 3.3 miles away, in the other direction. Daytime temps have reached the seventies, so the walking's been good. Twice people driving by have honked their horns and waved at me, but they were traveling too fast for me to see who they were. I suppose they might have been some people I used to work with at the hotel, but I didn't see them. Today a dude drove by shouting something derogatory. I didn't hear the words, but I'd know that tone anywhere. Again, he whizzed by at 50 mph, and I have no idea what he said or why. I just went about my business.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Dog Days
This is my obligatory post to let everyone know I'm still kicking. I try to only write when I have something to say, but after some of the last posts, I feel compelled to keep people abreast of my ongoing struggle. The urges to play in traffic or test the sharpness of various objects is much-diminished, but I hesitate to say that I'm happy just yet.
It's funny. A couple of weeks ago, I discovered a new song (new to me, anyway). The song is called "Dog Days Are Over", and it's by a little British art rock outfit called Florence and the Machine. I first heard it in promos for the USA series "Covert Affairs", and it's since popped up in the trailers for "Eat, Pray, Love". I first heard a snippet in a promo, then I watched the video on YouTube, and a few minutes later downloaded the song from Amazon. It's catchy, and the video is energetically exuberant, with wild costumes and eye-popping colors (as far as those costumes go, I think Florence could give Lady Gaga a run for her money). I wish I knew a way to carry that happiness around with me, without listening to the song all the time.
It's now been six months and a couple of weeks since the last time I went out of doors en femme. That's the longest I've been since I came out again in 2005. I don't define myself as a crossdresser, so I it's not like I need to dress up like a woman all the time, but not presenting myself in public the way I prefer is wearing on me I know, I know; technically I'm crossdressing all the time, not owning more than a stitch or two of male clothing, but not wearing makeup, or hair, or some of my pretty tops and shoes is killing me. I need to find a place and time to get out as myself, or as my perception of myself, and I'd rather it not be the dance bar full of college students that Ms. Self-Medicating told me about. I've checked out their photos on Facebook, and that is SO not my scene.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
What Is That About?
My friends know my love-hate relationship with Facebook. I love being connected to my friends and family. It's been especially valuable in that way since I moved to Florida. I've also made some new friends. Some are friends of friends, others are people who share interests. My friend list jumped a bit when Mass Effect 2 came out. Some of my friends came to my attention because Facebook "suggested" them. That's how I came to be "friends" with a few celebrities. What brings me out tonight are the outliers. I'm speaking of the friend requests I've gotten from complete strangers who don't even share any interests. I know some people collect friends on Facebook, under some sort of "she who dies with the most friends on Facebook" vibe. That doesn't bother me too much.
What does get me is that I think some of my friends are guys with a trans fetish. Some of these men are Middle Eastern, or East African. I'm always open to making friends in new places, so I usually accept friend requests from strangers in faraway places. Occasionally I wonder what prompts their friend request, but I don't always give it a lot of thought. That may have to change.
A little while ago, I was playing a game on Facebook (Bejeweled Blitz, if anyone cares). I don't know why, but people always open chat windows when I'm playing a game. It's a minor annoyance, because my system freezes up while the chat applet sorts itself out. Anyway, I was playing the game, and I got a chat pop-up from a recently-added friend in Turkey. I won't share the whole chat, but it went something like this:
Him: hi
Me: (after checking to see the time in Turkey) Good morning.
Him: how r u?
Me: tired. it was a long day.
Him: why?
Him: cam plz
Him: i mean webcam
So already I'm a little suspicious. Why does he want to cam chat?
Him: r u male?
AHA! We come to to the heart of the matter.
Me: you read my profile?
Him: yes
Me: you know im trans?
Him: yes
Me: I am transitioning, but am not full-time yet
Him: do u have a male body?
SIGH
Me: yes
Him: oh
That was the end of that. So, it's cool that I'm trans, but not cool because I'm not trans enough. I get it now. He wanted to see my breasts. Men are pigs.
What does get me is that I think some of my friends are guys with a trans fetish. Some of these men are Middle Eastern, or East African. I'm always open to making friends in new places, so I usually accept friend requests from strangers in faraway places. Occasionally I wonder what prompts their friend request, but I don't always give it a lot of thought. That may have to change.
A little while ago, I was playing a game on Facebook (Bejeweled Blitz, if anyone cares). I don't know why, but people always open chat windows when I'm playing a game. It's a minor annoyance, because my system freezes up while the chat applet sorts itself out. Anyway, I was playing the game, and I got a chat pop-up from a recently-added friend in Turkey. I won't share the whole chat, but it went something like this:
Him: hi
Me: (after checking to see the time in Turkey) Good morning.
Him: how r u?
Me: tired. it was a long day.
Him: why?
Him: cam plz
Him: i mean webcam
So already I'm a little suspicious. Why does he want to cam chat?
Him: r u male?
AHA! We come to to the heart of the matter.
Me: you read my profile?
Him: yes
Me: you know im trans?
Him: yes
Me: I am transitioning, but am not full-time yet
Him: do u have a male body?
SIGH
Me: yes
Him: oh
That was the end of that. So, it's cool that I'm trans, but not cool because I'm not trans enough. I get it now. He wanted to see my breasts. Men are pigs.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
So, after much hemming and hawing, I got a Facebook account. I'm all for this social networking, but some of the features are a little weird, like the suggesting of people I "may know". In the very first iteration of this, it tossed up a seemingly random hundred people, all strangers, and Jennifer Finney-Boylan! I know who she is, but I don't "know" her. I don't know if it's appropriate to "friend" someone I don't know on the basis of a tenuous connection.
Then there's the added wrinkle of me signing on as my femme self. I scouted around last night, and identified a couple dozen people I know, most of whom I went to school with, but none of them know the real me. We've got a class reunion coming up next year. Should I break the ice with them now? Or wait till the reunion? This is the 2000s. It's a new age, right?
Then there's the added wrinkle of me signing on as my femme self. I scouted around last night, and identified a couple dozen people I know, most of whom I went to school with, but none of them know the real me. We've got a class reunion coming up next year. Should I break the ice with them now? Or wait till the reunion? This is the 2000s. It's a new age, right?
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