With apologies to Ellie Goulding.
2012 was a year in which I learned, yet again, that anything could happen. I lost my Dad in April. I lost my job in December. Sometime in the middle I learned to overcome my fear of the future. It's not that I'm no longer afraid. It's just that that fear is overwhelmed by my terror of what will become of me if I keep putting things off.
Showing posts with label transitioning. Show all posts
Showing posts with label transitioning. Show all posts
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Friday, December 21, 2012
Going Forward, Finally
Back in May I wrote a piece I called Beginning Again, For the First Time, wherein I expressed hopeful feelings about my future, and expected developments in my transition. Well, to make the long story short, spring became summer and eventually autumn, and no progress was made of any kind. At least not the kind intended. I think I've said before that depression is all kinds of fun, and I failed to treat mine in a responsible fashion. That is now in the past.
In November, I started attending the meetings of Transgender Tallahassee, the local support group. Later in the month, I went back to Apalachee Center to refill my scrips, and discovered that my case worker had retired. I got to meet my new case worker, and she immediately scheduled me to see a counselor. We've had two sessions, and I'm going back to see her next week.
In the midst of all this goodness, I lost my job. Yes, again. Back in October, a guest vaguely complained that I was "rude and unprofessional". I don't remember it that way, but the complaint came in the form of a guest survey, so the event generated a written warning and my working hours were slashed. After a couple of weeks of working two or three shifts, I was informed of more complaints and given the boot. I had about sixty seconds of dark, dark thinking, but I took a couple of deep breaths and kept going. I've registered with the local employment agency and have dropped applications and resumes at all of the hotels in the neighborhood of the old place. I've even applied at non-hotel jobs, because I need to work.
I think I understand the AA theory of taking things one day at a time.
In November, I started attending the meetings of Transgender Tallahassee, the local support group. Later in the month, I went back to Apalachee Center to refill my scrips, and discovered that my case worker had retired. I got to meet my new case worker, and she immediately scheduled me to see a counselor. We've had two sessions, and I'm going back to see her next week.
In the midst of all this goodness, I lost my job. Yes, again. Back in October, a guest vaguely complained that I was "rude and unprofessional". I don't remember it that way, but the complaint came in the form of a guest survey, so the event generated a written warning and my working hours were slashed. After a couple of weeks of working two or three shifts, I was informed of more complaints and given the boot. I had about sixty seconds of dark, dark thinking, but I took a couple of deep breaths and kept going. I've registered with the local employment agency and have dropped applications and resumes at all of the hotels in the neighborhood of the old place. I've even applied at non-hotel jobs, because I need to work.
I think I understand the AA theory of taking things one day at a time.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Beginning Again, for the First Time
This blog is full of my dissembling about transition. I've always said that I intend to transition, but in three years I have not taken one action to further that process. Sure, there have been some obstacles thrown into my way, but I could still have at least spoken to someone in a position to help me, and I haven't. Well, there will be no more of that. Last week I spoke to my case worker at Apalachee Center about finding a specialist in gender identity, and he said he would find me one. I've got my follow-up appointment in June, and we'll see what he comes up with.
Chloe Sevigny Feels Unattractive
Chloe Sevigny Fears She's Unattractive
I saw this today and immediately thought of my post of two months ago about not feeling attractive. If she's playing a pre-op transsexual character, I suppose it's only fair if she experiences some of the negativity that we all feel about ourselves at some point. Gods know I've always felt wrong about that thing down below.
I saw this today and immediately thought of my post of two months ago about not feeling attractive. If she's playing a pre-op transsexual character, I suppose it's only fair if she experiences some of the negativity that we all feel about ourselves at some point. Gods know I've always felt wrong about that thing down below.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Good News!
It took a couple of days, but I was able to get by the hospital last week looking for help. Under the auspices of the Florida Mental Health Act, I was able to get myself a 72-hour stay in a very friendly facility. I went in as a suicidal, depressed person, but came out much feeling much healthier. I mentioned during my intake interview that I have gender identity issues, and those came to the fore during my visit to the psychiatrist and my follow-up meetings with various counselors. I told them that I'm not sure where I fit on the transgender spectrum, and they all said that I deserve to find that out, and explore my options. My visit to the psychiatrist also yielded a couple of prescriptions for antidepressants. I've only been taking them for a week, but I'm sleeping better, and I've lost a lot of the anxiety that plagued my day to day life. I have my first appointment with one of the counselors outside in August.
On an even more positive note, I finally got a job. I went to an interview on Wednesday at the local franchise of a hotel chain I've worked for before. I originally applied for a job there in March, but the position had been filled. They have a slot opening up next week, and they had retained my resume from the last time. The interview was the best of all the ones I've had, and I left feeling very good about my chances. Apparently I transposed the numbers from my phone, because they've been trying to call me since then, and the call wasn't going through. I got an email this morning, and they'd like me to start training next Tuesday.
Another positive development is that I've got a more permanent place to live, starting in a couple of weeks. My sister will be able to move into her new house after the beginning of August. The property includes a small guesthouse similar to where I moved into in December last year. That building was originally earmarked for another person, but he is no longer a part of their considerations, so it was offered to me. I'll be able to get into the house for meals and bathing, but I'll have my own place to sleep, watch TV and surf the net. Going back to work, I'll be able to fix my 360, and Xbox Live will follow soon after.
It's taken me a while, but life is slowly coming back together for me. I look to the future with a sense of hope.
On an even more positive note, I finally got a job. I went to an interview on Wednesday at the local franchise of a hotel chain I've worked for before. I originally applied for a job there in March, but the position had been filled. They have a slot opening up next week, and they had retained my resume from the last time. The interview was the best of all the ones I've had, and I left feeling very good about my chances. Apparently I transposed the numbers from my phone, because they've been trying to call me since then, and the call wasn't going through. I got an email this morning, and they'd like me to start training next Tuesday.
Another positive development is that I've got a more permanent place to live, starting in a couple of weeks. My sister will be able to move into her new house after the beginning of August. The property includes a small guesthouse similar to where I moved into in December last year. That building was originally earmarked for another person, but he is no longer a part of their considerations, so it was offered to me. I'll be able to get into the house for meals and bathing, but I'll have my own place to sleep, watch TV and surf the net. Going back to work, I'll be able to fix my 360, and Xbox Live will follow soon after.
It's taken me a while, but life is slowly coming back together for me. I look to the future with a sense of hope.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
One Year Later
It was exactly a year ago, almost to the minute, when I stepped off the plane and began my life in Tallahassee, Florida. If you'll recall, I didn't exactly enjoy the moving process, and Florida did not seem to be the promised land it was made out to be. None of my plans to sit back and let the world take care of things have ever come to any meaningful fruition, so after a few weeks of wallowing in self pity, I settled down into the business of starting over again.
It's been a slow process. I didn't try to go back to work right away, but once the hunt began in earnest, I found a good position with a decent company. Around the same time the Leon County Commission added sexual preference and gender identity to the classes protected under the local civil rights ordinance. I have yet to take any sort of action on that item, but it's a new year.
A few weeks ago, I received an invite to join a TG support group on Facebook, and it looks like they actually have meetings here in Tallahassee. There's a meeting scheduled for next Tuesday, and I'm going to try to attend. The Wednesday after is my birthday. I don't yet have plans, but I requested the night off so I could have my schedule clear in case something comes up. Worst case, I'll treat myself to a movie or something, but I'd really like to not be alone.
Coincidentally, It's Groundhog Day. A couple of hours ago, it's said, Punxsutawney Phil came out of his burrow and did not see his shadow, supposedly predicting an early end to winter. Most of the US is covered in snow, some of the worst ever seen, but not here in Florida. Down in the south of the state it's 81° F, but daytime temps here top out in the 60s. It's still chilly at night, but that'll end soon.
It's been a slow process. I didn't try to go back to work right away, but once the hunt began in earnest, I found a good position with a decent company. Around the same time the Leon County Commission added sexual preference and gender identity to the classes protected under the local civil rights ordinance. I have yet to take any sort of action on that item, but it's a new year.
A few weeks ago, I received an invite to join a TG support group on Facebook, and it looks like they actually have meetings here in Tallahassee. There's a meeting scheduled for next Tuesday, and I'm going to try to attend. The Wednesday after is my birthday. I don't yet have plans, but I requested the night off so I could have my schedule clear in case something comes up. Worst case, I'll treat myself to a movie or something, but I'd really like to not be alone.
Coincidentally, It's Groundhog Day. A couple of hours ago, it's said, Punxsutawney Phil came out of his burrow and did not see his shadow, supposedly predicting an early end to winter. Most of the US is covered in snow, some of the worst ever seen, but not here in Florida. Down in the south of the state it's 81° F, but daytime temps here top out in the 60s. It's still chilly at night, but that'll end soon.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Changing The Title
"Jaye's Trans Blog" is what I chose to call this a little over two years ago when I kicked it off. It wasn't meant to be anything special, just a place for me to share and occasionally vent. Now it seems kind of ho-hum. Bland.
I'm thinking about changing the name of the blog. I'd like to use something clever (though not necessarily cute) that incorporates "trans". I liked the sound of "intransigent", but the dictionary tells me that means "unwilling to change". That's not me. "Stuck in transit?" "Lost in translation?"
Any suggestions would be appreciated.
I'm thinking about changing the name of the blog. I'd like to use something clever (though not necessarily cute) that incorporates "trans". I liked the sound of "intransigent", but the dictionary tells me that means "unwilling to change". That's not me. "Stuck in transit?" "Lost in translation?"
Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Changing Tastes
This isn't really a movie blog, for all that I talk about them off and on. If nothing else, they give me inspiration when my well seems to run dry.
I own a lot of movies on DVD, and for a while I bought them almost compulsively, but I haven't watched a lot of them in a long time. I used to say I didn't have the time, but the truth is that lately I have trouble sitting in front of a screen unless whatever I'm doing/watching is interactive, like a video or computer game. The much-mentioned Mass Effect 2 consumed many such hours last year. I haven't been able to get online at home for the past five days, so I've been trying to fill my downtime with other activities. I read some, Matthew Chapman's Trials of the Monkey, and made myself sit down and watch two movies.
The first of these was Joe Carnahan's The A-Team. I know, I should have known better. I've ranted before about needing brain bleach to scrub the horror that is Smokin' Aces out of my head, but I have a soft spot in my memory for the original material.
The original A-Team hit television when I was ten, and for all my internal turmoil, on the outside, I was very much a boy of that era. I liked action figures, and still played war games in the yard with the neighborhood kids, and liked to see stuff blow up. The characters were veterans of Vietnam, a conflict which still has a large place in American mythology, and I looked up to anyone who had been "over there". I also liked Robin Hood, and the idea of these modern outlaws helping ordinary people in need was appealing.
The film is a sort-of reboot. The story has been brought forward so that the characters are vets of the current Iraq war. The movie opens with Liam Neeson as Hannibal assembling his "A-Team" as civilians (or at least de-mobbed troops), then catapults them into the war to kick off the story with the "crime they didn't commit". Bradley Cooper (Alias), Sharlto Copley (District 9) and Quinton "Rampage" Jackson (he's apparently an MMA fighter) round out the 'Team. Jessica Biel plays the leader of the DOD team chasing them, and doubles as Cooper's love interest. There isn't much story. Being a Carnahan film, there are lots of gun battles, and explosions, and some neat aerial action. Copley gives the standout performance as the crazy pilot, Murdock.
For all that, it was only okay. Is that damning with faint praise? Once upon a time I would have loved the movie, for all of the reasons enumerated above.
Yesterday I sat down and watched Whip It, with Ellen Page and Marcia Gay Harden. I loved it!
I wrote about the movie and posted the trailer back in 2009, before the movie was released. I've been interested in roller derby since it was resurrected a few years ago. It's one of those things I have to worship from afar, as they're never going to let a girl like me into something like that.
Ellen Page is Bliss Cavendar, a 17 year-old girl from sleepy little Bodeen, Texas. Her mom pushes her to enter beauty pageants, but she wants to get out and do her own thing. On a shopping excursion in Austin, she hears that the roller derby league are having try-outs. She lies about her age, and ends up finding her niche skating for the "Hurl Scouts". All of the skaters and teams have punny names: Eva Destruction, Smashley Simpson, etc. Bliss becomes "Babe Ruthless".
I laughed, a lot. I cried a little. All in all, I enjoyed everything about this movie. The acting is great from all the players. This was Drew Barrymore's directorial debut, and if she's this good starting out, I can't wait to see what she comes up with next.
I talked to my sister-in-law about this, because I couldn't figure why the two movies hit me the way they did. She says I'm becoming a girl. Small steps, right?
I own a lot of movies on DVD, and for a while I bought them almost compulsively, but I haven't watched a lot of them in a long time. I used to say I didn't have the time, but the truth is that lately I have trouble sitting in front of a screen unless whatever I'm doing/watching is interactive, like a video or computer game. The much-mentioned Mass Effect 2 consumed many such hours last year. I haven't been able to get online at home for the past five days, so I've been trying to fill my downtime with other activities. I read some, Matthew Chapman's Trials of the Monkey, and made myself sit down and watch two movies.
The first of these was Joe Carnahan's The A-Team. I know, I should have known better. I've ranted before about needing brain bleach to scrub the horror that is Smokin' Aces out of my head, but I have a soft spot in my memory for the original material.
The original A-Team hit television when I was ten, and for all my internal turmoil, on the outside, I was very much a boy of that era. I liked action figures, and still played war games in the yard with the neighborhood kids, and liked to see stuff blow up. The characters were veterans of Vietnam, a conflict which still has a large place in American mythology, and I looked up to anyone who had been "over there". I also liked Robin Hood, and the idea of these modern outlaws helping ordinary people in need was appealing.
The film is a sort-of reboot. The story has been brought forward so that the characters are vets of the current Iraq war. The movie opens with Liam Neeson as Hannibal assembling his "A-Team" as civilians (or at least de-mobbed troops), then catapults them into the war to kick off the story with the "crime they didn't commit". Bradley Cooper (Alias), Sharlto Copley (District 9) and Quinton "Rampage" Jackson (he's apparently an MMA fighter) round out the 'Team. Jessica Biel plays the leader of the DOD team chasing them, and doubles as Cooper's love interest. There isn't much story. Being a Carnahan film, there are lots of gun battles, and explosions, and some neat aerial action. Copley gives the standout performance as the crazy pilot, Murdock.
For all that, it was only okay. Is that damning with faint praise? Once upon a time I would have loved the movie, for all of the reasons enumerated above.
Yesterday I sat down and watched Whip It, with Ellen Page and Marcia Gay Harden. I loved it!
I wrote about the movie and posted the trailer back in 2009, before the movie was released. I've been interested in roller derby since it was resurrected a few years ago. It's one of those things I have to worship from afar, as they're never going to let a girl like me into something like that.
Ellen Page is Bliss Cavendar, a 17 year-old girl from sleepy little Bodeen, Texas. Her mom pushes her to enter beauty pageants, but she wants to get out and do her own thing. On a shopping excursion in Austin, she hears that the roller derby league are having try-outs. She lies about her age, and ends up finding her niche skating for the "Hurl Scouts". All of the skaters and teams have punny names: Eva Destruction, Smashley Simpson, etc. Bliss becomes "Babe Ruthless".
I laughed, a lot. I cried a little. All in all, I enjoyed everything about this movie. The acting is great from all the players. This was Drew Barrymore's directorial debut, and if she's this good starting out, I can't wait to see what she comes up with next.
I talked to my sister-in-law about this, because I couldn't figure why the two movies hit me the way they did. She says I'm becoming a girl. Small steps, right?
Thursday, December 16, 2010
That Wasn't So Hard
My last post was a lot of "Pity poor me". I'm not very good at it. I guess it was a way of psyching myself up to do what I wanted. After ten long months in drab, I'm back in my favorite form of dress. Truthfully it's not too different from the things I wear all the time. I'm wearing a sweater with a pair of jeans. Underneath I'm wearing a bra with my forms. Up top I've got a wig and full makeup on, and I've swapped out my studs for a pair of cute hoops. I snapped some photos, and the best looking of the bunch is now my profile pic.
I thought about taking a walk down to the corner store, but I looked at myself in the mirror, and I think I'll pass. I've put on a few pounds since the last time I ventured out, and I'm not sure I want to face the public in daylight in all my "glory". I tried revising my outfit, but it's a bit warmer than it was when I started today, and I don't have much that would camouflage my middle and still leave me comfortable in the outdoors. Note to self: invest in a decent waist cincher, and investigate weight loss. Either that or I start buying fat clothes. No muumuus or caftans for me, though.
Now that I think about it, I like the old profile pic better. I was a little thinner, and more at peace with myself and the world. I would change it back, but this is more honest. It's who I am at the moment, and I've got to make peace with that.
I thought about taking a walk down to the corner store, but I looked at myself in the mirror, and I think I'll pass. I've put on a few pounds since the last time I ventured out, and I'm not sure I want to face the public in daylight in all my "glory". I tried revising my outfit, but it's a bit warmer than it was when I started today, and I don't have much that would camouflage my middle and still leave me comfortable in the outdoors. Note to self: invest in a decent waist cincher, and investigate weight loss. Either that or I start buying fat clothes. No muumuus or caftans for me, though.
Now that I think about it, I like the old profile pic better. I was a little thinner, and more at peace with myself and the world. I would change it back, but this is more honest. It's who I am at the moment, and I've got to make peace with that.
Afraid to Look at Myself
I've taken up a lot of space on this blog this year writing about not dressing up, and my ongoing struggle to cope. I'd like to think of myself as a low-maintenance woman, but the reality is that getting dressed up is a big deal. I've got to shave, not just my face but any expanse of flesh that might be exposed to the world. Then comes makeup. I don't quite have to trowel it on, but covering my beard is a chore and a half. If and when I ever get rid of it for good, I'll wear the lightest possible foundation. Until that day, I'm stuck on Dermablend and Max Factor PanStick.
For the last couple of weeks I've been meaning to get dressed up for a bit. I haven't been planning to go anywhere. I just want to wear makeup, because I haven't in so long. Not only that; I'd like to update my profile pics, both here and over on Facebook. A couple of weekends ago I took part in that awareness of child abuse thing, and replaced my FB profile pic (taken two years ago) with a thumbnail shot of Calvin and Hobbes. I meant to replace it the following week with a new photo of me, but I just couldn't motivate myself to gussy myself up. I've planned to do it three or four times since - during my mornings after work, when I'm still relatively clean-shaven, or on my nights off, but the energy just hasn't been there.
Back when I still thought of myself as a crossdresser, I didn't worry too much about why, but I thought a lot about what to tell people about myself when their questions arose. And arise they did. It took me a while to compose an answer that made sense both to myself and others. "life is hard," I said. All around us are people who can't cope, so they drink, or use drugs, or engage in all sorts of self-destructive behavior. They hurt themselves, and sometimes others. If putting on makeup and women's clothing is the worst I have to do to be able to look at myself in a mirror, then is that so bad? I didn't think so. I still don't think so, but I've become afraid.
I've had the house pretty much to myself since last week. I'm waiting for the go-ahead to move into my new place, but I haven't been able to get in touch with the owners. You'd think I'd feel free in a place by myself, but I find myself falling into myself. I got used to communal living, with friends and family close at hand, and now I have long, solitary hours with no companionship save a mismatched pair of cats. Cats are cuddly, but they're poor conversationalists.
When I finally work up the nerve, who will I see in that mirror?
For the last couple of weeks I've been meaning to get dressed up for a bit. I haven't been planning to go anywhere. I just want to wear makeup, because I haven't in so long. Not only that; I'd like to update my profile pics, both here and over on Facebook. A couple of weekends ago I took part in that awareness of child abuse thing, and replaced my FB profile pic (taken two years ago) with a thumbnail shot of Calvin and Hobbes. I meant to replace it the following week with a new photo of me, but I just couldn't motivate myself to gussy myself up. I've planned to do it three or four times since - during my mornings after work, when I'm still relatively clean-shaven, or on my nights off, but the energy just hasn't been there.
Back when I still thought of myself as a crossdresser, I didn't worry too much about why, but I thought a lot about what to tell people about myself when their questions arose. And arise they did. It took me a while to compose an answer that made sense both to myself and others. "life is hard," I said. All around us are people who can't cope, so they drink, or use drugs, or engage in all sorts of self-destructive behavior. They hurt themselves, and sometimes others. If putting on makeup and women's clothing is the worst I have to do to be able to look at myself in a mirror, then is that so bad? I didn't think so. I still don't think so, but I've become afraid.
I've had the house pretty much to myself since last week. I'm waiting for the go-ahead to move into my new place, but I haven't been able to get in touch with the owners. You'd think I'd feel free in a place by myself, but I find myself falling into myself. I got used to communal living, with friends and family close at hand, and now I have long, solitary hours with no companionship save a mismatched pair of cats. Cats are cuddly, but they're poor conversationalists.
When I finally work up the nerve, who will I see in that mirror?
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Changes Afoot
Why, yes, I have been listening to a lot of U2 lately. I guess it's good I didn't decide to quote from "Running to Stand Still" or any of their equally glum material.
EDIT: It occurs to me that I posted this under the assumption that anyone clicking over here would automatically notice that I changed the box in the upper right from "About Me" to "About this blog" and changed the wording. A lot. With nary an explanation.
EDIT: It occurs to me that I posted this under the assumption that anyone clicking over here would automatically notice that I changed the box in the upper right from "About Me" to "About this blog" and changed the wording. A lot. With nary an explanation.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Talkin' Bout a Revolution
Is this how it begins?
I was at work Sunday evening, and it was quiet enough at times that I could listen to the background music that was playing. I've talked at times about how mellow and downtempo the overnight mix is. The afternoon/evening mix is poppier, featuring a lot more mainstream pop music, and the songs are spread out further in time, with stuff from the Seventies and Eighties strung out amidst the more contemporary material. I was coming back to the desk from running some supplies to a guest, when I caught a snatch of Tracey Chapman's "Talkin' Bout a Revolution". There's a line that goes, "Finally the tables are starting to turn."
That brought tears to my eyes. I have tears in my eyes all the time now, and I don't know how to make them go away. It's not all internal. I'll try to explain.
There's an ongoing court case in Texas. Nikki Araguz, a widowed transwoman, is fighting to get her late husband's (a firefighter) suvivor benefits. Her in-laws are trying to get the money themselves, and they've hired attorneys to get the court to void the marriage by finding that Nikki isn't really a woman. This makes me angry to no end, but what can I do about it from here?
Over the weekend there was a political shindig in Las Vegas called Netroots Nation. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-California) participated in some sort of Q & A. She was pressed on the issue of getting Congress to act on ENDA. Her response was to say, "Make me." I know it wasn't intended as a taunt. Rather, she wants the LGBT community to make noise with their Congresspeople, to drum up the money and votes that'll be needed to pass the legislation. I tried that back in the spring. I sent an email to my new Floridian Congressman. It was a form email, because I couldn't muster the words to personalize the message. Naturally, his office sent back a form response.
From where I stand, the tables don't seem to be turning at all, and certainly not in our direction. I just don't know what to do about it. I barely have control of my own life, so how am I supposed to make the government do anything?
I keep hearing that Congress is more concerned with jobs and the economy. As I see it, ENDA is a jobs and economy issue. How many of us are in the closet because we know we can and will be fired if we make ourselves known? How many trans people are out in the world working shit jobs for little pay because of legally-sanctioned discrimination? If we could all get decent jobs and not worry about our job security, wouldn't we have more money, and funnel that money back into the economy?
Sometimes I feel like I don't have any recourse. I don't own a weapon, and I don't know that I'd do anything with one if I had it. I don't want to become a "Ticked Off Tranny" with a gun, but I'm tired of falling back.
I keep hearing that Congress is more concerned with jobs and the economy. As I see it, ENDA is a jobs and economy issue. How many of us are in the closet because we know we can and will be fired if we make ourselves known? How many trans people are out in the world working shit jobs for little pay because of legally-sanctioned discrimination? If we could all get decent jobs and not worry about our job security, wouldn't we have more money, and funnel that money back into the economy?
Sometimes I feel like I don't have any recourse. I don't own a weapon, and I don't know that I'd do anything with one if I had it. I don't want to become a "Ticked Off Tranny" with a gun, but I'm tired of falling back.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
What Is That About?
My friends know my love-hate relationship with Facebook. I love being connected to my friends and family. It's been especially valuable in that way since I moved to Florida. I've also made some new friends. Some are friends of friends, others are people who share interests. My friend list jumped a bit when Mass Effect 2 came out. Some of my friends came to my attention because Facebook "suggested" them. That's how I came to be "friends" with a few celebrities. What brings me out tonight are the outliers. I'm speaking of the friend requests I've gotten from complete strangers who don't even share any interests. I know some people collect friends on Facebook, under some sort of "she who dies with the most friends on Facebook" vibe. That doesn't bother me too much.
What does get me is that I think some of my friends are guys with a trans fetish. Some of these men are Middle Eastern, or East African. I'm always open to making friends in new places, so I usually accept friend requests from strangers in faraway places. Occasionally I wonder what prompts their friend request, but I don't always give it a lot of thought. That may have to change.
A little while ago, I was playing a game on Facebook (Bejeweled Blitz, if anyone cares). I don't know why, but people always open chat windows when I'm playing a game. It's a minor annoyance, because my system freezes up while the chat applet sorts itself out. Anyway, I was playing the game, and I got a chat pop-up from a recently-added friend in Turkey. I won't share the whole chat, but it went something like this:
Him: hi
Me: (after checking to see the time in Turkey) Good morning.
Him: how r u?
Me: tired. it was a long day.
Him: why?
Him: cam plz
Him: i mean webcam
So already I'm a little suspicious. Why does he want to cam chat?
Him: r u male?
AHA! We come to to the heart of the matter.
Me: you read my profile?
Him: yes
Me: you know im trans?
Him: yes
Me: I am transitioning, but am not full-time yet
Him: do u have a male body?
SIGH
Me: yes
Him: oh
That was the end of that. So, it's cool that I'm trans, but not cool because I'm not trans enough. I get it now. He wanted to see my breasts. Men are pigs.
What does get me is that I think some of my friends are guys with a trans fetish. Some of these men are Middle Eastern, or East African. I'm always open to making friends in new places, so I usually accept friend requests from strangers in faraway places. Occasionally I wonder what prompts their friend request, but I don't always give it a lot of thought. That may have to change.
A little while ago, I was playing a game on Facebook (Bejeweled Blitz, if anyone cares). I don't know why, but people always open chat windows when I'm playing a game. It's a minor annoyance, because my system freezes up while the chat applet sorts itself out. Anyway, I was playing the game, and I got a chat pop-up from a recently-added friend in Turkey. I won't share the whole chat, but it went something like this:
Him: hi
Me: (after checking to see the time in Turkey) Good morning.
Him: how r u?
Me: tired. it was a long day.
Him: why?
Him: cam plz
Him: i mean webcam
So already I'm a little suspicious. Why does he want to cam chat?
Him: r u male?
AHA! We come to to the heart of the matter.
Me: you read my profile?
Him: yes
Me: you know im trans?
Him: yes
Me: I am transitioning, but am not full-time yet
Him: do u have a male body?
SIGH
Me: yes
Him: oh
That was the end of that. So, it's cool that I'm trans, but not cool because I'm not trans enough. I get it now. He wanted to see my breasts. Men are pigs.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Back to the Old Grind
Once again, I didn't mean to go almost a week without posting, but that's life, isn't it?
Nate's emergency of Saturday night turned out to not be a heart attack. It was a severe case of angina. The doctor at TMH prescribed a couple of medications, a diet of 1800 calories per day, and told him to stop smoking. The meds are doing their thing, the diet is going well so far, and that's about it. Nate has cut down on the smoking, but he's a ways to go before he can quit. The nicotine gene runs in our family. Both our parents smoked, and both sets of grandparents, and numerous relations as well. I'm the only non-smoker in the family.
I mentioned before that I had an interview scheduled for Monday. That went very well. There was a follow-up telephone interview on Wednesday with the corporate Director of Hotel Operations, and then I had to wait another day for my background check to come back. Today I underwent Orientation, which consisted of watching a droll video, then signing about a hundred different sheets of paper. Last I was entered into the time clock system. That was new. Every place I've worked before used either paper or plastic cards. This place uses a state-of-the-art biometric system. You key in the last four digits of your SSN, then place your hand in the reader. I felt like I was entering a secret base or something. What's next, retinal scanning? Anyway, I start training for the new job next Monday.
A number of people have told me that they hope my new employer will be more accommodating toward my gender identity issues; I too share this hope, but it remains to be seen. I watched the video today and paid special attention to the company's equal employment opportunity and non-discrimination policies. There was no wording which I could construe as implying any protection for people like me. I've got my fingers crossed that the job protection legislation makes it through the Tallahassee city council next month. After that, we'll see.
Nate's emergency of Saturday night turned out to not be a heart attack. It was a severe case of angina. The doctor at TMH prescribed a couple of medications, a diet of 1800 calories per day, and told him to stop smoking. The meds are doing their thing, the diet is going well so far, and that's about it. Nate has cut down on the smoking, but he's a ways to go before he can quit. The nicotine gene runs in our family. Both our parents smoked, and both sets of grandparents, and numerous relations as well. I'm the only non-smoker in the family.
I mentioned before that I had an interview scheduled for Monday. That went very well. There was a follow-up telephone interview on Wednesday with the corporate Director of Hotel Operations, and then I had to wait another day for my background check to come back. Today I underwent Orientation, which consisted of watching a droll video, then signing about a hundred different sheets of paper. Last I was entered into the time clock system. That was new. Every place I've worked before used either paper or plastic cards. This place uses a state-of-the-art biometric system. You key in the last four digits of your SSN, then place your hand in the reader. I felt like I was entering a secret base or something. What's next, retinal scanning? Anyway, I start training for the new job next Monday.
A number of people have told me that they hope my new employer will be more accommodating toward my gender identity issues; I too share this hope, but it remains to be seen. I watched the video today and paid special attention to the company's equal employment opportunity and non-discrimination policies. There was no wording which I could construe as implying any protection for people like me. I've got my fingers crossed that the job protection legislation makes it through the Tallahassee city council next month. After that, we'll see.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Looking Up, Looking Back
The last week has been a little more exciting than a lot of those preceding. Sunday we went to Carrabelle Beach. I presented male, and wore swim trunks and a baggy tee shirt. I got waist-deep in the ocean and decided I'd had enough. I then spent the rest of the afternoon reading and taking pictures.
Monday I went out and put in some more job applications. I also received a call about an interview at a hotel where I applied more than a month ago.
Tuesday I went to the interview. It went great for the first twenty minutes or so. As long as we chatted about my experience and some of the skills I have, I was fine. Then the GM asked me about a specific situation, and I imploded. I could not recall in any detail a single incident that could illustrate my skills. He then asked me for a different example, and I couldn't remember a damned thing! I could (and do) remember a whole slew of negative experiences, but the memories of all the people I've helped and taken care of evaporated. The rest of the interview was perfunctory stuff. He told me about the company, and their benefits, and whatnot, and said they'd make a decision by Friday. Needless to say, I did not hear from them yesterday.
Wednesday and Thursday were mostly idle days, with my usual patterns of sleep, internet and Xbox broken only by running some errands with Nate.
I did get a phone call Friday afternoon, but not from the people I saw on Tuesday. It was another interview request, this time for next Monday. It's from a chain I have worked with before, but don't list on my resume. It was not a happy experience. That was seven years ago, though. I'm willing to let bygones be, in the service of finding myself gainfully employed again. This idleness is killing me.
Somewhere in the middle I saw my new trans "friend" again. She creeps me out, and illustrates all the reasons why they have steps a person is supposed to follow, and why. I mentioned before that she's taking hormones without regular supervision from a doctor. She told me that when I'm ready to start my own therapy, to let her know, and she'll hook me up with a doctor who will provide me, up front, with a year's prescription for maximum-dose hormones. This doctor is reportedly located in the nearby (and aptly named) town of Panacea. Talking to the lady makes my skin crawl. I don't like to take strong pain meds without they say-so of a doctor; why would I risk any sort of damage by fooling around with estrogen?
A positive outcome of that encounter was that I had the longest talk ever with Nate about being trans. He still can't quite get his head around it, but I think he was reassured that we feel the same way about this other person.
Monday I went out and put in some more job applications. I also received a call about an interview at a hotel where I applied more than a month ago.
Tuesday I went to the interview. It went great for the first twenty minutes or so. As long as we chatted about my experience and some of the skills I have, I was fine. Then the GM asked me about a specific situation, and I imploded. I could not recall in any detail a single incident that could illustrate my skills. He then asked me for a different example, and I couldn't remember a damned thing! I could (and do) remember a whole slew of negative experiences, but the memories of all the people I've helped and taken care of evaporated. The rest of the interview was perfunctory stuff. He told me about the company, and their benefits, and whatnot, and said they'd make a decision by Friday. Needless to say, I did not hear from them yesterday.
Wednesday and Thursday were mostly idle days, with my usual patterns of sleep, internet and Xbox broken only by running some errands with Nate.
I did get a phone call Friday afternoon, but not from the people I saw on Tuesday. It was another interview request, this time for next Monday. It's from a chain I have worked with before, but don't list on my resume. It was not a happy experience. That was seven years ago, though. I'm willing to let bygones be, in the service of finding myself gainfully employed again. This idleness is killing me.
Somewhere in the middle I saw my new trans "friend" again. She creeps me out, and illustrates all the reasons why they have steps a person is supposed to follow, and why. I mentioned before that she's taking hormones without regular supervision from a doctor. She told me that when I'm ready to start my own therapy, to let her know, and she'll hook me up with a doctor who will provide me, up front, with a year's prescription for maximum-dose hormones. This doctor is reportedly located in the nearby (and aptly named) town of Panacea. Talking to the lady makes my skin crawl. I don't like to take strong pain meds without they say-so of a doctor; why would I risk any sort of damage by fooling around with estrogen?
A positive outcome of that encounter was that I had the longest talk ever with Nate about being trans. He still can't quite get his head around it, but I think he was reassured that we feel the same way about this other person.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
No Fooling
Today is April Fools Day, and I'm not celebrating. If you want some appropriate tomfoolery, it's all over the web today. Google turned itself into "Topeka" for the day. Southwest Airlines produced a spot wherein they introduce the new trailer that's going to be towed behind their jets. A Polish website announced that Bioware are doing a Mass Effect game for the Wii. (Actually, that last one might be true, but as I said somewhere else, until Bioware says so, it's vaporware.)
I am still looking for work, though with not as much gusto as I had a few weeks ago. The job market here sucks just as badly as the one in Virginia. In an ironic turn, I actually moved away from a resort area again. There are lots of hotels here, but the only job listings Ive seen have been for the low-paying non-guest service variety. Tips are nice, but I want a job that pays a real wage, thank you very much.
Lately my thoughts have turned to returning to Virginia. It's not really feasible at the moment. I'm broke. There wasn't enough tax taken out of my wages last year, so I'm not going to get a refund. I've got no friends here, and as great as family can be, it's suffocating to have them all here, all the time. I want to honor my mother's wish that we all stick together, but I don't want to live with my brother forever. If I'm ever going to be able to transition, I've got to get out on my own, or at least out from under him.
The sad part is, I may have to take a job here for a time, just to raise enough money to get myself back home. I'd hate to do that to someone, work for a time, then run away. I may have to part with a lot of stuff, as I can't see taking it all with me, again. Hey, if I have a big enough sale, that might help to raise the money, right? I just don't know.
I am still looking for work, though with not as much gusto as I had a few weeks ago. The job market here sucks just as badly as the one in Virginia. In an ironic turn, I actually moved away from a resort area again. There are lots of hotels here, but the only job listings Ive seen have been for the low-paying non-guest service variety. Tips are nice, but I want a job that pays a real wage, thank you very much.
Lately my thoughts have turned to returning to Virginia. It's not really feasible at the moment. I'm broke. There wasn't enough tax taken out of my wages last year, so I'm not going to get a refund. I've got no friends here, and as great as family can be, it's suffocating to have them all here, all the time. I want to honor my mother's wish that we all stick together, but I don't want to live with my brother forever. If I'm ever going to be able to transition, I've got to get out on my own, or at least out from under him.
The sad part is, I may have to take a job here for a time, just to raise enough money to get myself back home. I'd hate to do that to someone, work for a time, then run away. I may have to part with a lot of stuff, as I can't see taking it all with me, again. Hey, if I have a big enough sale, that might help to raise the money, right? I just don't know.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Counting Down
Here it is, Friday, the 22nd of January, and so many things are coming to a head in the next few days. I'm getting a new phone/number over the weekend. Tuesday is my last day at work. It's also the release date for Mass Effect 2 in North America (Europe's got to wait three more days - Pfffft!). Next weekend we'll be loading our moving truck and easing on down to Florida.
I've moaned off and on about the ongoing troubles with my truck. I learned yesterday that all the little problems might be symptomatic of something that's too expensive to fix. We're going to replace one inexpensive component this weekend. If that has the desired effect, then I'll work on fixing all the little things that are wrong. If things don't work out, I'm going to ditch the truck and catch a plane to Tallahassee. I'd really love to have my own vehicle in my new place, but the odds don't favor that outcome.
In the midst of all the other stuff, I somehow forgot to blog about quitting my job. Pardon me, I resigned. That in itself has been a unique experience. In all my work history, I've never resigned before. I've quit, been laid off, and even fired a couple of times, but I've never formally resigned. No one's ever tried to make me stay someplace, either. Last Friday, the VP of Operations came by and tried to convince me to stay. I told her that I appreciated the effort, but this company lost my allegiance back when they told me I couldn't continue to work here if I transitioned. She didn't have an answer for that, and that was pretty much the end of the conversation.
I wish they had let me transition on the job. I'd be living en-femme pretty much full-time, and I'd have some basis for working that way when I get to Florida. As it is, I've got to pretty much start from scratch. I've been looking for a support structure in Florida, and I don't like what I see. There are plenty of groups and doctors and whatnot in the coastal cities, but next to nothing in the Panhandle, where I'll be. If anyone knows of something I haven't found, I'd be much obliged for the information.
Tuesday sees the release of Mass Effect 2. I've been jazzed ever since I posted the first trailer in June, after E3, but all the promotional material that Bioware have cranked out in the last month has just ramped up my personal tension. It's just a video game, I've heard people say, but those people haven't spent the last two years working through all the ins and outs of the first game, playing through all the possible permutations of how things could turn out. It turns out that all the decisions you make in the first game have consequences in the sequel, from how you treated your biggest fanboy to whether or not you participated in the genocide of an entire species. A blog I read a couple of months ago suggests that anyone who is enthusiastic about video games cannot be a woman. I have only rude things to say to that.
On the one hand, I hope the truck is fixable. If it's not, I get to fly for the first time in five years. What a trade!
I've moaned off and on about the ongoing troubles with my truck. I learned yesterday that all the little problems might be symptomatic of something that's too expensive to fix. We're going to replace one inexpensive component this weekend. If that has the desired effect, then I'll work on fixing all the little things that are wrong. If things don't work out, I'm going to ditch the truck and catch a plane to Tallahassee. I'd really love to have my own vehicle in my new place, but the odds don't favor that outcome.
In the midst of all the other stuff, I somehow forgot to blog about quitting my job. Pardon me, I resigned. That in itself has been a unique experience. In all my work history, I've never resigned before. I've quit, been laid off, and even fired a couple of times, but I've never formally resigned. No one's ever tried to make me stay someplace, either. Last Friday, the VP of Operations came by and tried to convince me to stay. I told her that I appreciated the effort, but this company lost my allegiance back when they told me I couldn't continue to work here if I transitioned. She didn't have an answer for that, and that was pretty much the end of the conversation.
I wish they had let me transition on the job. I'd be living en-femme pretty much full-time, and I'd have some basis for working that way when I get to Florida. As it is, I've got to pretty much start from scratch. I've been looking for a support structure in Florida, and I don't like what I see. There are plenty of groups and doctors and whatnot in the coastal cities, but next to nothing in the Panhandle, where I'll be. If anyone knows of something I haven't found, I'd be much obliged for the information.
Tuesday sees the release of Mass Effect 2. I've been jazzed ever since I posted the first trailer in June, after E3, but all the promotional material that Bioware have cranked out in the last month has just ramped up my personal tension. It's just a video game, I've heard people say, but those people haven't spent the last two years working through all the ins and outs of the first game, playing through all the possible permutations of how things could turn out. It turns out that all the decisions you make in the first game have consequences in the sequel, from how you treated your biggest fanboy to whether or not you participated in the genocide of an entire species. A blog I read a couple of months ago suggests that anyone who is enthusiastic about video games cannot be a woman. I have only rude things to say to that.
On the one hand, I hope the truck is fixable. If it's not, I get to fly for the first time in five years. What a trade!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
I Get It! I Get It!
I don't eat Chinese a lot, but I always make a point to eat a fortune cookie after the meal. Three or four years ago, I cracked open a cookie and out popped the following message:
"You will make many changes before settling satisfactorily."
I was just coming around to the idea of being trans, and words like these were momentous. I pinned the fortune to a bulletin board in my apartment.
This afternoon, we had Chinese takeout for the first time in a couple of months. I opened my fortune cookie, and what was printed on the fortune cookie, but the exact same message. If I believed in a higher power, I'd wonder if they were trying to get me back on track. If that were the case, I'd tell them, "I'm working on it. Now leave me alone."
"You will make many changes before settling satisfactorily."
I was just coming around to the idea of being trans, and words like these were momentous. I pinned the fortune to a bulletin board in my apartment.
This afternoon, we had Chinese takeout for the first time in a couple of months. I opened my fortune cookie, and what was printed on the fortune cookie, but the exact same message. If I believed in a higher power, I'd wonder if they were trying to get me back on track. If that were the case, I'd tell them, "I'm working on it. Now leave me alone."
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Floating Along...
All around me, at least on the net, I see people in transition. At least two people I know have had SRS in the last couple of weeks. Others are at various stations on the road to transition. A genderqueer friend of mine was voted the Junior class Homecoming Queen at the College of William and Mary last week. All very cool. All very depressing.
As for me, I am stuck in idle. This feeling of being trapped in my male identity is gnawing away at my being. I get out en femme every chance I get, but not being out all the time is chafing. Not moving forward is chafing. Feeling like I have to set everything aside while I deal with one crisis or another is driving me crazy. Feeling like I'm the only one who knows I'm trans...
All of my net friends know I'm trans. All of the people I've met through my support group know. A teeny handful of people outside of those circles have at least seen me dressed up. The rest of the world doesn't see. When I'm out of doors in my male garb, most people only see my pierced ears, or my nails. Some notice my waxed eyebrows. Most write me off as gay, or metrosexual. I'm not sure which hurts worse, being taken for something I'm not, or being written off because of it.
Halloween is Saturday. I'm planning to dress up and go to a party. This coincides with the pagan day Samhain. It's a day of endings and beginnings, of changes and transitions. Decision time is coming. Maybe by Sunday morning I can make up my mind, cast the stones, figure out where I'm going and what I'm doing.
As for me, I am stuck in idle. This feeling of being trapped in my male identity is gnawing away at my being. I get out en femme every chance I get, but not being out all the time is chafing. Not moving forward is chafing. Feeling like I have to set everything aside while I deal with one crisis or another is driving me crazy. Feeling like I'm the only one who knows I'm trans...
All of my net friends know I'm trans. All of the people I've met through my support group know. A teeny handful of people outside of those circles have at least seen me dressed up. The rest of the world doesn't see. When I'm out of doors in my male garb, most people only see my pierced ears, or my nails. Some notice my waxed eyebrows. Most write me off as gay, or metrosexual. I'm not sure which hurts worse, being taken for something I'm not, or being written off because of it.
Halloween is Saturday. I'm planning to dress up and go to a party. This coincides with the pagan day Samhain. It's a day of endings and beginnings, of changes and transitions. Decision time is coming. Maybe by Sunday morning I can make up my mind, cast the stones, figure out where I'm going and what I'm doing.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Ready to Be Fired
Actually, I don't know that it's going to happen, but it seems a distinct possibility. Since my write-up in August, I have done my level best to maintain a low profile. I've tried to keep my interaction with management professional, when I have to interact with them at all. I've done all my work to the best of my ability, whether it's the paperwork or guest service.
A gentleman came up to the desk a little while ago and asked if it was possible to change the channel on the TV during breakfast. I told him that we could put the TV on whatever channel he wanted. Yesterday morning, it was tuned to MSNBC. He told me he prefers Fox, because he likes to hear "the truth". All I said was, "If you say so." I didn't defend MSNBC. I didn't blather on about my own liberal views, or all the negative press Fox have garnered over the years. I didn't call the channel "Fixed News" or "Fox Noise" or anything. I certainly didn't say anything about their blowhard hosts. No, I just said, "If you say so."
The gentleman went out to his car. When he returned a few minutes later, he thanked me for "the information" and went upstairs. I have little doubt that's going to come back to bite me on the ass when the gentleman fills out his guest satisfaction survey. It might amount to nothing, but I have to be prepared for the possibility.
When I'm working, I'm not supposed to have opinions about things, but I'm having ever more trouble suppressing my need to be, and express, who I am.
A couple of weeks back, a big sedan rolled up to the front of the hotel around 0400. A nattily-dressed gentleman climbed out, and I was all set to sell him a room. As it happened, he came in and handed me the latest issue of The Watchtower, a publication of the Jehovah's Witnesses. We were standing under a sign on the wall which prohibits solicitation or "distribution of printed materials...by non-employees". I smiled and told him, "No, thank you." He started to say something about preparing me for "the End Times". Again I said, "No, thank you," and added, "I'm an atheist." The gentleman gaped for a moment before composing himself. He then asked if I didn't want to read it "for entertainment". I said, "No!" He took the hint and departed.
I half-expected that incident to generate some negative feedback, but nothing came of it, and maybe it won't this time, either. I'm just tired of pretending to be someone I'm not. It wouldn't be so hard, I think, if my employers had been a little more understanding about me transitioning. My search for another job continues to be thwarted. There are five hotels within five minutes of my apartment, and none of them are hiring. There are another six in the general vicinity of my current job, but four of them are owned by my employer. There are jobs at the Beach, but I'd eat up a good chunk of my wages driving back and forth to the Oceanfront. So I toil on.
EDIT: 0505 here. I switched the lobby TV over to Fox in order to head off any potential hooha. As I speak, they're showing a repeat of the Glenn Beck program. I've seen bits and pieces of his material on Countdown, but I've never watched it raw and unfiltered like this. The man is scary. Eeeeeeeee...
A gentleman came up to the desk a little while ago and asked if it was possible to change the channel on the TV during breakfast. I told him that we could put the TV on whatever channel he wanted. Yesterday morning, it was tuned to MSNBC. He told me he prefers Fox, because he likes to hear "the truth". All I said was, "If you say so." I didn't defend MSNBC. I didn't blather on about my own liberal views, or all the negative press Fox have garnered over the years. I didn't call the channel "Fixed News" or "Fox Noise" or anything. I certainly didn't say anything about their blowhard hosts. No, I just said, "If you say so."
The gentleman went out to his car. When he returned a few minutes later, he thanked me for "the information" and went upstairs. I have little doubt that's going to come back to bite me on the ass when the gentleman fills out his guest satisfaction survey. It might amount to nothing, but I have to be prepared for the possibility.
When I'm working, I'm not supposed to have opinions about things, but I'm having ever more trouble suppressing my need to be, and express, who I am.
A couple of weeks back, a big sedan rolled up to the front of the hotel around 0400. A nattily-dressed gentleman climbed out, and I was all set to sell him a room. As it happened, he came in and handed me the latest issue of The Watchtower, a publication of the Jehovah's Witnesses. We were standing under a sign on the wall which prohibits solicitation or "distribution of printed materials...by non-employees". I smiled and told him, "No, thank you." He started to say something about preparing me for "the End Times". Again I said, "No, thank you," and added, "I'm an atheist." The gentleman gaped for a moment before composing himself. He then asked if I didn't want to read it "for entertainment". I said, "No!" He took the hint and departed.
I half-expected that incident to generate some negative feedback, but nothing came of it, and maybe it won't this time, either. I'm just tired of pretending to be someone I'm not. It wouldn't be so hard, I think, if my employers had been a little more understanding about me transitioning. My search for another job continues to be thwarted. There are five hotels within five minutes of my apartment, and none of them are hiring. There are another six in the general vicinity of my current job, but four of them are owned by my employer. There are jobs at the Beach, but I'd eat up a good chunk of my wages driving back and forth to the Oceanfront. So I toil on.
EDIT: 0505 here. I switched the lobby TV over to Fox in order to head off any potential hooha. As I speak, they're showing a repeat of the Glenn Beck program. I've seen bits and pieces of his material on Countdown, but I've never watched it raw and unfiltered like this. The man is scary. Eeeeeeeee...
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