Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Floating Along...

All around me, at least on the net, I see people in transition. At least two people I know have had SRS in the last couple of weeks. Others are at various stations on the road to transition. A genderqueer friend of mine was voted the Junior class Homecoming Queen at the College of William and Mary last week. All very cool. All very depressing.

As for me, I am stuck in idle. This feeling of being trapped in my male identity is gnawing away at my being. I get out en femme every chance I get, but not being out all the time is chafing. Not moving forward is chafing. Feeling like I have to set everything aside while I deal with one crisis or another is driving me crazy. Feeling like I'm the only one who knows I'm trans...

All of my net friends know I'm trans. All of the people I've met through my support group know. A teeny handful of people outside of those circles have at least seen me dressed up. The rest of the world doesn't see. When I'm out of doors in my male garb, most people only see my pierced ears, or my nails. Some notice my waxed eyebrows. Most write me off as gay, or metrosexual. I'm not sure which hurts worse, being taken for something I'm not, or being written off because of it.

Halloween is Saturday. I'm planning to dress up and go to a party. This coincides with the pagan day Samhain. It's a day of endings and beginnings, of changes and transitions. Decision time is coming. Maybe by Sunday morning I can make up my mind, cast the stones, figure out where I'm going and what I'm doing.


  1. Jaye, You know I am no wealth of experience when it comes to transitioning, but here is what is working for me. Until I am living 24/7 I know that my outer appearance is not going to match my real self. There isn't anything I can do but accept that. And as long as they don't call me late for dinner I'm also not going to worry about what others call me or what little box they try to put me in.

    I imagine that all of us have a point (or points) where we feel like we are stalled. I felt like that while I was waiting to start hormones. Now that I have it is a matter of waiting for something to happen. I also know that I am not going to be able to go fulltime until my face is pretty much clear. I do not choose to have to worry about that along with everything else I will have to deal with. So right now I am just treading water, going in for two hour electrology sessions every week and waiting for the physical changes brought on by hormones.

    I get envious when I know that this friend or the other is off to Colorado or to see Dr. mcGinn, but my time will come. I guess it is the same as being a freshman in school. You're going to look at the upperclass people and wish you were them, but events will happen at their own pace.


  2. I think we look at how people react to us or how we believe them to precieve our appearence, and our assumptions are naturally magnified by our own distored self preception. I have learned that few people notice, let alone think about how you look for more then a fleating moment.

    Also, whatever your choice or direction, try not to concern yourself with the timelines of your peers. This is your journey, your path. Not mine, not anyone else's.

  3. You're not alone, Jaye. Your post says it all for me. I don't even have the pierced ears, however. A few subtle signs, but for someone who is sometimes in the public eye, I need to keep it buried.

    Calie xx

  4. I'm so sorry, Jaye. This must be incredibly frustrating. Whatever you decide to do, you have my support.

    *hug if you want one*