Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Floating Along...

All around me, at least on the net, I see people in transition. At least two people I know have had SRS in the last couple of weeks. Others are at various stations on the road to transition. A genderqueer friend of mine was voted the Junior class Homecoming Queen at the College of William and Mary last week. All very cool. All very depressing.

As for me, I am stuck in idle. This feeling of being trapped in my male identity is gnawing away at my being. I get out en femme every chance I get, but not being out all the time is chafing. Not moving forward is chafing. Feeling like I have to set everything aside while I deal with one crisis or another is driving me crazy. Feeling like I'm the only one who knows I'm trans...

All of my net friends know I'm trans. All of the people I've met through my support group know. A teeny handful of people outside of those circles have at least seen me dressed up. The rest of the world doesn't see. When I'm out of doors in my male garb, most people only see my pierced ears, or my nails. Some notice my waxed eyebrows. Most write me off as gay, or metrosexual. I'm not sure which hurts worse, being taken for something I'm not, or being written off because of it.

Halloween is Saturday. I'm planning to dress up and go to a party. This coincides with the pagan day Samhain. It's a day of endings and beginnings, of changes and transitions. Decision time is coming. Maybe by Sunday morning I can make up my mind, cast the stones, figure out where I'm going and what I'm doing.