Saturday, May 22, 2010

A Postcard from the Wall

I haven't been posting a lot lately, and I apologize. The truth is there hasn't been a lot to write about. I'm stuck in another of my ruts. I go to work. I come home, where I sleep, eat, read, use the internet, and play the 360. There is some variety as to what order I do those things in, but it's the same shit day in and out, and it's wearing me down again. I've been back to work about a month, and that's great, but work is only one part of what it takes to make me whole, and a lot of the rest is missing.

It's strange. On the outside, I feel fine. In fact, I feel pretty good. A couple of days ago, I stepped onto a scale for the first time in a year or more, and discovered that I'm not nearly as heavy as I thought. I'm still a little large for my size, but I'm down fifteen pounds from the last time I weighed myself, and that's no mean feat, especially for one who likes to snack as I do.

Underneath the surface, though, I'm a mass of roiling despair. You know that Nietzsche quote about gazing into the abyss? I wish I could see that. At least I'd know something was looking back at me from the black. Some days I feel as though I could end it. I've always viewed suicide as the coward's way out, and I am not a coward, but there are days when it's a chore just to get out of bed. Sometimes I just can't see the point anymore. There's just no joy in my life right now.

It's not that there's no pleasure at all. On the contrary, I've found plenty of little things to carry me along. I've been building a Youtube playlist of the songs I've heard at work. Give it a listen, and maybe you'll get a sense of the sounds of my job.

http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=29B52928D441DE51

Six weeks or so ago, both of the outside cats here went into heat, and the kittens are now in the process of being farmed out. The family are keeping a couple, and one of the little critters has glommed onto me, so maybe Spot won't be an only child anymore.

I've been reading some good books lately. The latest is horror/thriller novel entitled Feed. You can read all about it here:

http://www.thefeedbook.com/

Imagine a time in which blogs take over the news from the traditional media outlets. I won't give away the plot or premise of the book, but the gist of it is that a major, civilization-ending catastrophe arises, and the traditional news sources drop the ball, leaving internet-based media to pick up the slack and keep people informed. After a time, blogs become the news medium of choice. I'd like to write something like that, but I'm having trouble keeping this up. That brings me to a logical conclusion.

I think I'm going to step back from this blog for a while. I'm not quitting. I just need to sort some things out. I called this my "Trans Blog", but lately it's become a clearing house for whatever is on my mind, and lately that's a whole lot of nothing. I'll come back when I have a better idea of what my place is here. It might be next week, or further out, but I will return.