Sometimes a Girl Can't Catch a Break

In lieu of anything really going on in my life, I have spent some of my most recent posts griping about work. This is more of the same.

I don't mind working weekends if I have to. For a long time when I worked in Charlotte, I couldn't get a weekend off to save my life. It reached a point where I stopped thinking of weeks the way most people do, because my breaks always came midweek, rather than weekend.

Since I took over the full-time auditor slot at this hotel, I've had most weekends off. I lost my regular part-time relief auditor almost two months ago. A part-time person filled in the first weekend after that, and I have worked every consecutive weekend since. I just looked at the schedule for next weekend, and discovered I am working yet again.

A month ago, I put in a request off, so I could attend the Airpower over Hampton Roads airshow at Langley Air Force Base next Saturday or Sunday. I'm set to work Friday, Saturday and Sunday, so it looks like it's not happening. I suppose it's just as well. I haven't been able to secure a decent camera since my A330 died, and attending an airshow without a camera is an exercise in futility.

Not Quite

I was standing up at the front desk at work yesterday, and one of my female coworkers asked me about something, I forget exactly what. One thing led to another through the course of the conversation, and I ended up blurting out, "I'm transgendered!"

There was the briefest of pauses, and she said, "Jaye, I never would have guessed you used to be a woman."

I guess I can understand her confusion. I present as a man most of the time, but I wear earrings and long, polished nails.

So close, yet so far away.

Another Magazine Story

I have a subscription to Esquire. I've been reading the magazine since the early 90s, and I've been a subscriber for about eight years. When I was younger, and still wrapped up in trying to be a man, I read this magazine religiously. It was like a bible of masculinity. There are a ton of men's magazines out there. I picked up this one when most of my fellows were reading Maxim, FHM or Stuff. Esquire is like those magazines, but not much. It's written for a more mature audience. Not much more mature (it is written for men, after all).

Anyway, the theme of the May 2009 issue is "How to Be a Man". I'm reading it, but not because I want to be a man. There are some interesting bits in here: a couple of recipes, some interviews with various persons, and a series of very striking portraits. Other than that, I'm overdosing on the testosterone. It is as though I've lost all capacity to be interested in the material. The "Funny Joke from a Beautiful Woman" isn't even funny this month.

I've never been what anyone would call a typical male, anyway. I'm not interested in sports. I can do some basic auto repairs, but I'm happier if I can pay someone else to do it. I'm an airplane nut, but my interest over time has grown away from performance specs towards a purer appreciation based on aesthetical considerations.

Not Much Going On Here

My last post wasn't intended to be "Alas, pity poor me", but I fear it came out that way. I don't have anything on the go right now. I was off from work the last couple of days, and I'm working through the weekend. I went in for a couple of hours yesterday morning for training, and afterward went to get my nails done. This occasioned an impromptu shopping trip, as I went to the job in close-toed shoes, and forgot to bring a pair of flip-flops. There's an Old Navy just up the street from the job, and I ran in there to get some cheap flip-flops. Naturally, I managed to find a pair with wedge heels. I could have spent a lot of money in there, but I restrained myself. On the way out of the store, I did snag a purple Earth Day tee shirt.

The nail salon hadn't been open long when I went in. It was my first visit in three weeks, so they were happy to see me. Really happy, as I got the works: mani (and I needed a fill-in on my acrylic thumb), pedi and eyebrow wax. I had them do my toes with OPI Teal the Cows Come Home, which is kind of festive. You can see it in the photo above. It's like a party going on all the time.

Edit: I want to point out that the nails in the photo above are not mine. That photo is just the prettiest illustration of the color I could find. My fingernails are actually painted in OPI Bubble Bath, which is a really sheer pink. It's very subtle, which means I can wear it to work and no one hassles me.

Love and Marriage

This is a little something I wanted to write about, but was waiting for a cue from outside. A couple of days ago, the Iowa Supreme Court ruled that the state's ban on gay marriage was unconstitutional. On top of that, I just finished watching a documentary on MSNBC: "Born in the Wrong Body - Tying the Knot". It told the stories of two couples trying to get married: one half of each couple was transgendered, a transman in one, and a transwoman in the other. It was nice seeing these people get to places they wanted to be in their lives, and to see them finding real love. I miss love.

I wasn't involved in too many relationships before I got married. I've written before of what a disaster my marriage was. I will not soon repeat that. The first few years after D left, I told people that I didn't want to get into another relationship. I was finally on my own, and I didn't want to enmesh myself with another person until I sorted myself out. I occasionally met someone who found me interesting, but that interest always evaporated after they found out about me being trans. I've also met a few people who didn't want to be with me because I'm pre-op. I don't know that I'm ever going to be post-op, so if that's going to be an issue, it's here to stay, the period at the end of my sentence.

On a related note, I was propositioned in the parking lot at Wally World last spring. I was putting my groceries in the truck when this car pulls up. The window slides down and this brother (can a white girl call a black man a brother?) tells me that he was "checking me out" in the store, and was wondering if we could "hook up". All at once, I was both flattered and put-off. I took a breath and told him I was in a relationship, and that my girlfriend didn't like boys. I was telling a story, but oh how I wished it was true. He drove off in a huff. Afterwards, I realized he just wanted sex, quick and dirty. I haven't had sex in almost six years.

I can only imagine the species of hell I might've experienced these last few years if I had still been attached to someone. I see the travails of my friends in those circumstances, and I feel empathy, but I wouldn't want to be where they are for anything. It's a good thing, I guess, that I have no children. It's going to be exciting enough trying to explain to my nephews that their uncle wants to be their aunt. There is one being in this world who accepts me unconditionally, regardless of what I'm wearing, and that's Spot, my cat. As long as I keep him fed, we're good.

In the meantime, I have met a few lovely people who like me and support me, and are totally okay with my transness (is that a word?). Most of them, alas, are in good, strong relationships, though. When I was younger, I might've approached them. I was a big believer in the second coming of free love in the early 90s, and I was bi and open to open relationships. Now though, I would never poach on somebody else's relationship. I'd rather fall on my sword. People keep telling me that a special someone is out there, but I don't know that I believe in that any more than I believe in everyone's favorite Imaginary Friend.

That's enough of that.

Messing Around With the Blog

Don't get used to the photo at the top. I'm just playing with the layout a bit. I have scads of photos on my computer, but I don't have very many that I've taken, that don't have jets or machines or fuzzy creatures in them. I've dabbled in landscape photos a bit, and this one was taken in 2007, when I was still living in Charlotte. I call it "Angry Sky".

Let's Go to Iowa!

Yesterday, the Iowa Supreme Court ruled unanimously that a ten-year old law banning gay marriage is unconstitutional. You can read about it here:

http://www.desmoinesregister.com/article/20090403/NEWS/90403010

The only way to overturn this would be to amend Iowa's constitution, and any amendment must be passed by two consecutive sessions of the Iowa General Assembly. Each session lasts two years, so it would be 2012 before such an amendment would pass, if such a bill were able to be raised and passed during the current session.

In case anyone wonders, I'm not trying to turn this into "Jaye's Gay Blog". Gays aren't in exactly the same boat as transpeople, but I feel like we're traveling in the same direction, more or less. Good news for one party may lead to good news for the rest of us. Maybe Obama will move forward with ENDA as part of healthcare reform. One can only hope.