Thursday, June 11, 2009

Unable to Be Myself

I haven't been out en femme since the Eye of the Beholder show May 15th. The last couple of times I've been off, I've hoped to get a little "me time" out of doors, but it just hasn't happened. I'm closing in on the end of another nine-day stretch at work, and I'm going to be off this Saturday and Sunday, so I'm really looking forward to the weekend. I'm already planning to attend an event with the Gender Expression Movement (formerly known as New Life Transgender Outreach) Sunday, and I'm waiting with bated breath.

To exacerbate the situation, one of my coworkers has been peppering me with questions about being trans. Since my "coming out", she's been doing a little research, trying to understand what I'm going through. It's nice to be able to talk about stuff openly, but I wish I could work dressed the way I prefer.

The female version of the uniform isn't all that different from the male. There's a scarf instead of a necktie (and the scarf is optional). The striped blouse is prettier than the male equivalent. Other than that, it's just a shirt and pants. I'd be able to wear a little makeup (okay, a lot), though, and prettier earrings. And yes, I'd wear much less sensible shoes.

I used to frustrate the members of my support group in Charlotte. Almost without fail, they'd show up to our Saturday meetings in dresses or dressy skirt outfits. Most of the time, I wore jeans with a seasonally-appropriate top. I dressed for the weather and the time of day. I dressed mostly to draw less attention to myself. A woman of any sort draws attention to herself if she steps out on a Saturday afternoon in a skirt. People wonder who she is, and where she's going. I save my dresses for special occasions. I like to think that my dressing is more like that of a GG. I like skirts, but most of the time, you'll find me in jeans. That's just me.

One other tidbit that's stoked my sense of frustration is the reappearance of Jen, the transwoman who visited the hotel back in April. She's back in the States on government business, and has her evenings free for fun and games. As I arrived at work tonight, she was returning from dinner out with a friend. She came back down to the desk to visit with me a bit. She's seeing a doctor now, and seems a lot more comfortable in her skin than when I saw her last. She had some new clothes she wanted to show me, including some jean shorts that were really SHORT. She wore them with fishnets and a leopard-print top. She went on to tell me that her therapist told her that transwomen go through stages similar to a GG's growing up. She's in her teenager phase. I told her I could tell. We laughed.

It looks like I might have a little extra money to spend on myself this week, after I pay some bills. I haven't decided, but I'm either going to get my nails done at the salon, or buy myself some new hair. It's been two months since my last manicure/pedicure, and my eyebrows are positively bushy. My favorite wig is looking a little ragged, and no shampooing will restore it to its former glory. What do you all think?