Holiday Greetings from Jabba the Hutt

This is actually a couple of weeks old, and it's now the day after Christmas, but I posted the Muppet version of "Carol of the Bells" last year, and I didn't think I should go another year without something holiday-themed, so I present this little gem, courtesy of Paul and Storm:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWqthNlzoEI

On a related note, I met my niece's boyfriend's nephew yesterday. He's a little 7 month-old boy named "Jaxom", who was named for the character from Anne McCaffrey's Dragonriders of Pern series. His mother was so impressed that I knew who she named her son after. I told her I was well-versed in the "classics".

Moved

Here's my first post from my new place. It's tiny, compared to my last two apartments, but it's still a decent size, with two rooms and a full bath. Kitchen facilities are limited to a microwave and refrigerator, so it looks like I'm back to frozen dinners and ramen noodles. Maybe I'll lose some weight this way.

I'm only a mile or so from where I was living before, so a lot of the local businesses I used to walk to are still at a walkable distance, albeit further away. This is good, as I really need to get back into the nail salon. With all the work of the move, boxing stuff and manhandling furniture, my nails look a fright. I've managed to break a few, so in order to keep them at a length I like, I may go acrylic. I've heard that the polish used in French and American manicures adheres to acrylic better, so that may be the way to go, at least for a time.

I won't give away my new address, but I get a chuckle every time I read the new street name. It's spelled "D-E-E-R-R-U-N-N" There's a Todd Snider song called "Beer Run" about two drunken losers who cut out of a concert to try to get beer, and get taken for a ride. The chorus involves repeating "B-double E-double R-U-N". So now I get "D-double E-double R-U-double N". ;-)

I guess you have to be here.

Senate Votes to End "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"

I expressed some cynicism on the subject earlier this afternoon, but it seems the Senate have voted in favor of ending the military's policy of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell", the which has been used to drum more than 13,000 sailors, soldiers, airmen and marines from the services. This follows a similar vote on the same legislation in the House of Representatives. Now if our representatives will push for the same sort of voting on ENDA, everything will be peachy. Or not.

Now On Networked Blogs

In case the big box on the right side of the page wasn't a dead giveaway, I have added my blog to the NetworkedBlogs app on Facebook. Maybe I'll get a little more exposure, pick up a few more readers. Time will tell.

That Wasn't So Hard

My last post was a lot of "Pity poor me". I'm not very good at it. I guess it was a way of psyching myself up to do what I wanted. After ten long months in drab, I'm back in my favorite form of dress. Truthfully it's not too different from the things I wear all the time. I'm wearing a sweater with a pair of jeans. Underneath I'm wearing a bra with my forms. Up top I've got a wig and full makeup on, and I've swapped out my studs for a pair of cute hoops. I snapped some photos, and the best looking of the bunch is now my profile pic.

I thought about taking a walk down to the corner store, but I looked at myself in the mirror, and I think I'll pass. I've put on a few pounds since the last time I ventured out, and I'm not sure I want to face the public in daylight in all my "glory". I tried revising my outfit, but it's a bit warmer than it was when I started today, and I don't have much that would camouflage my middle and still leave me comfortable in the outdoors. Note to self: invest in a decent waist cincher, and investigate weight loss. Either that or I start buying fat clothes. No muumuus or caftans for me, though.

Now that I think about it, I like the old profile pic better. I was a little thinner, and more at peace with myself and the world. I would change it back, but this is more honest. It's who I am at the moment, and I've got to make peace with that.

Afraid to Look at Myself

I've taken up a lot of space on this blog this year writing about not dressing up, and my ongoing struggle to cope. I'd like to think of myself as a low-maintenance woman, but the reality is that getting dressed up is a big deal. I've got to shave, not just my face but any expanse of flesh that might be exposed to the world. Then comes makeup. I don't quite have to trowel it on, but covering my beard is a chore and a half. If and when I ever get rid of it for good, I'll wear the lightest possible foundation. Until that day, I'm stuck on Dermablend and Max Factor PanStick.

For the last couple of weeks I've been meaning to get dressed up for a bit. I haven't been planning to go anywhere. I just want to wear makeup, because I haven't in so long. Not only that; I'd like to update my profile pics, both here and over on Facebook. A couple of weekends ago I took part in that awareness of child abuse thing, and replaced my FB profile pic (taken two years ago) with a thumbnail shot of Calvin and Hobbes. I meant to replace it the following week with a new photo of me, but I just couldn't motivate myself to gussy myself up. I've planned to do it three or four times since - during my mornings after work, when I'm still relatively clean-shaven, or on my nights off, but the energy just hasn't been there.

Back when I still thought of myself as a crossdresser, I didn't worry too much about why, but I thought a lot about what to tell people about myself when their questions arose. And arise they did. It took me a while to compose an answer that made sense both to myself and others. "life is hard," I said. All around us are people who can't cope, so they drink, or use drugs, or engage in all sorts of self-destructive behavior. They hurt themselves, and sometimes others. If putting on makeup and women's clothing is the worst I have to do to be able to look at myself in a mirror, then is that so bad? I didn't think so. I still don't think so, but I've become afraid.

I've had the house pretty much to myself since last week. I'm waiting for the go-ahead to move into my new place, but I haven't been able to get in touch with the owners. You'd think I'd feel free in a place by myself, but I find myself falling into myself. I got used to communal living, with friends and family close at hand, and now I have long, solitary hours with no companionship save a mismatched pair of cats. Cats are cuddly, but they're poor conversationalists.

When I finally work up the nerve, who will I see in that mirror?

All I Want, And Some Random Notes

Here's another post about music. Faced with a month of having to listen to holiday-themed music, I decided to knuckle down and try to enjoy some of it. Surprise! I actually like some of this stuff, and have downloaded it. The aforementioned "Greensleeved" was the first candidate. Then came some of the Vince Guaraldi Charlie Brown stuff. My job isn't set up to play classical music, so I never hear any of the Mannheim Steamroller or Trans-Siberian Orchestra material, but I decided to get some of them too. Heck, hearing them on the job reintroduced me to The Smithereens, who were a favorite in high school that I lost touch with. I'd have never figured them for recording a Christmas album, but they did. I got their "Christmas Time All Over the World", but also "House We Used to Live In" (apt with the move) and "A Girl Like You".

Imogen Heap has NOT recorded any Christmas music, at least not directly. Her "Just For Now" is remarkably apropos, though:

It's that time of year
Leave all our hopelessnesses aside
If just for a little while
tears stop right here
I know we've all had a bumpy ride.
I'm secretly on your side.

There's a neat live version here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25VGdNU3nrU

(I'd embed, but the business center computer at work is a little basic, running an older version of Firefox, so I don't have access to all the current tools. *SIGH*)

I'm still not installed in the new place, mostly due to lack of access to a vehicle during the day. I've got to move soon, though. The power's going to be turned off soon in the current place, and I'd hate to be stuck here while the night time temps are in the low 20s (not unusual for the season, except this is Florida).

Over the weekend Bioware released a teaser for Mass Effect 3, with delivery slated for next Xmas. I thought ME2 was dark, but the spot makes the next installment seem especially grim. I still very much want to play it.

Sara, if you're out there still, I'd very much like to chat with you. Blogger still says your profile is private, which means I can't see your email address. Mine isn't, so please feel free to drop me a line. PLEASE?!? It's lonely out here, and knowing there's someone else close by but out of reach is maddening, and I don't need any help in that area, if you know what I mean. I could really use a friend right now.

Missed Opportunity

Back in October I goofed around by posting my 10/10/10 thing, and I could have done something similar today, with it being 12/11/10, and I could've posted it at 0908. Sadly, this didn't occur to me until some hours later. Ah well...

All I Want for Christmas Is... Silence!

I have blogged before, and often, about the musical selections played at my job. I love some of it, hate some more and generally am indifferent to the rest of it. That all changed last Monday. I came back from being off the Sunday after Thanksgiving to find that they'd changed the channel, so to speak. Now it's Christmas music, 24/7.

I'll not waste anyone's time rehashing my dislike for religion, as that's mostly been spared. The music mix is not too different from the usual, in that it's holiday-themed music performed by a lot of the same artists who are included in the day-to-day set. It's all Christmas music, but they've somehow avoided using any of the religious carols. So, no "O Holy Night", or "Silent Night". Nothing about angels or mangers or any of that stuff. As near as I can tell, they only play the secular songs.

That means they're playing "Jingle Bells" and "Here Comes Santa Claus" and "Blue Christmas". By limiting the pool to secular songs, that reduces the available selection, so I get to hear multiple renditions of the same songs over and over again. I've heard four or five or more versions of "Blue Christmas" (but not Elvis') and "Sleigh Ride" and "Winter Wonderland". The lone religious tune I've picked out from the rest is "Carol of the Bells", which gets a pass in my book because it's an old Ukrainian tune that predates Christianity.

It's driving me insane, one song at a time. It's not all bad. They play Band Aid's "Do They Know It's Christmas?" They even play "Welcome Christmas" (that's the "Dahoo doraze" song) from How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I've heard songs by Sheryl Crow, KT Tunstall and the Dandy Warhols. Did you know that Jethro Tull recorded a Christmas album? Me neither, but their "Greensleeved" is pretty cool. Ditto for Goldfrapp's "Winter Wonderland".

They also play any song that so much as mentions the word "Christmas", whether it's really a holiday song or not. I've heard several covers of "Last Christmas" (the Wham! song). I've never thought of The Pretenders' "2000 Miles" as a holiday song, but it's in the mix. I was trying to figure out why they played Sade's "The Sweetest Taboo" until I heard the line "Every day is Christmas and every night is New Year's Eve". They've also played a few head-scratchers. I do not know what bizarre calculus inspired them to include Sting's "Love Is the Seventh Wave", but it is welcome when I hear it, a respite from the holiday monotony.

The actual holiday isn't too far off, but those nights until they turn the music back are going to be arduous.

On the Move Again

Sometime soon, this weekend or the first of next week, I'll have my own place again. Vicki (my sister-in-law) has been helping me look for a place, with an eye towards getting my upstairs bedroom back. A couple at her church have a guest house they want to rent out as an apartment. They want $400/month, utilities included. I remember asking, "When can I move in?"

Moving won't be too hard. Most of my junk is still in the boxes from the previous move. In addition to the boxes, I've only got a bed, a TV and some small pieces, nightstands and end tables, mostly. This apartment is already partially furnished, so that's no problem.

I did get some static when I met my new landlords. It was still hot in October when I first went to see them, and I ran over there wearing shorts and flip flops. My blue-painted toes were very much in evidence, and the husband kept goggling at them. He doesn't know the half, but I've been assured that there won't be any problems.

Going to the Mall

Yesterday I found out that Victoria's Secret are having a sale this week. Among the featured items, selected styles of panties are 5 for $25. It's not a bad deal, for Vicky's. I found out about this because my sixteen year-old niece told me. She told me because she wanted someone to take her, and it looks like I might be the one to have earned the honor of escorting her. Once the trip was agreed upon, I asked if anyone (specifically her parents) objected to her being taken out by her aunt Jaye. There were no objections, so it looks like I'm going shopping tonight. I might even buy myself a little something. I've been a good girl lately. Mostly.

Transgender Day of Remembrance 2010

http://www.transgenderdor.org/?page_id=1194

The above link is a listing of all of the known trans murder victims since last year's TDOR. Note that the first listed death was on TDOR. It never ends, does it?

That's all I've got right now.

Technical Difficulties III

I haven't really attended to this blog for a couple of days, which also means I haven't been reading others' blogs as well. Imagine my surprise when I logged in a few minutes ago and discovered that I'm not following ANY blogs. None. Where have they all gone? Apparently I'm not the only one this has happened to, but Google don't seem to know anything about it. "AGGGHHH!" as Charlie Brown has said many times.

The sad part of it is, I don't remember all of the URLs for all these blogs. Some of them are fairly distinctive, or otherwise memorable. Reassembling my list will take some time.

While I was typing this, I heard a most blood-curdling scream from outside. It was short and shrill, but repeated itself, over and over. Youtube tells me it is the sound of a fox crying. City girls like me don't know anything about these wild creatures. Close your eyes and listen to this and tell me it doesn't scare you shitless.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zk1mAd77Hr4

EDIT: Now my Reading List is back, as though it never left. Stupid shit indeed.

Still Nothing to See Here

Did anyone notice I went another thirteen days without posting? I didn't mean for it to be like that, but my internet access has been somewhat curtailed of late. Longtime readers know that I've done a lot of my blogging at work. Last week, one of the front desk machines contracted a nasty trojan, something that embedded itself in the registry and prevented the computer from connecting to it's net-based security software. Corporate had to send us a restore disk and scrub the machine back to factory-spec. A couple of days later, my supervisor comes to me with, "We're not accusing you of anything, but the GM is convinced that whatever we got was downloaded while you were working." It happened while I was off, but somehow it's my fault? Anyway, as fallout from that, all front desk agents had to sign an agreement stating that they'd only use hotel internet access for guest-related activities. I will abide. As such, it's been a long couple of weeks.

I haven't done much since then except download music. Lots of music. I've added a few new artists to the mix, as well as favorites from assorted classics. As stated before, the joy of downloading music is that I no longer have to go broke buying entire albums. If I only like one song, I can pay for that one, and be done with it. Plus, if one knows where to look, there's tons of free stuff out there.

My latest acquisitions include:

AC/DC
Agent Ribbons (free)
Air
Al Di Meola
Alice in Chains
Anna Nalick
Band of Horses (free)
Beach House (free)
Bell X1 (free)
Black Label Society (free)
Blue Man Group feat. Dave Matthews
Boom Boom Satellites
Breaking Benjamin
Bush
Cassie
Chevelle
Civil Twilight
Creed
Crossfade
Cylab
Daft Punk
Deee-lite
DJ Earworm
Ellie Lawson
Feist
Fergie
Foo Fighters
Gnarls Barkley
Godsmack
Gotan Project
Guns N' Roses
Heather Alexander
High and Mighty Color
Jem
Jerry Goldsmith
La Roux
Lia Ices (free)
Lifehouse
Live
Living Colour
Magic Wands (free)
Marcy Playground
Mathew Leutwyler (free)
N2o (free)
The New Mastersounds (free)
Nikka Costa
Nirvana
Papa Roach (free)
Paul Oakenfold
Phil Collins
Philip Glass (free)
Pink
Puddle of Mudd
Regina Spektor
Revis
Rihanna
Robyn
The Roots (free)
Run DMC
Scala & Kolacny Brothers
Seether
Shinedown
Silversun Pickups
Sleigh Bells
Stone Temple Pilots
Sufjan Stevens (free)
Suzanne Vega (free)
Three Days Grace
Tim Minchin
The Ting Tings (free)
Tool
Tosca
Trapt (free)
Tricky (free)
The Who
Yael Naim

That's only the new artists. I've also added to my collections of several artists already existing in my library.

There's not a lot of rhyme or reason to my downloads, either. A lot of the free stuff was downloaded over the course of a couple of days. Amazon has thousands of tracks listed for free; it's just a matter of picking through for the real treasures. Some of the other free tracks came about because I Googled "free mp3" and found links various artists' pages, record company sites and assorted clearing houses. I was on a grunge kick for a couple of days, hence the Alice in Chains, Nirvana and STP. Then I found myself hankering for electronica, and I found myself downloading Moby and Paul Oakenfold.

10

Here's another geeky idea. Today is the tenth of October, in the year 2010. I'm setting this to post at 1010, EDT, so it'll appear at 1010, on 10-10-10.

An Unexpected Development

Once again, I've left this blog untended for more than a week. I've been reading and commenting on other people's blogs, but I've had trouble motivating myself to write about anything, mostly because I feel like crap.

I haven't been out of doors en femme yet. The day of the Phantogram show I slept until late into the evening. I had second thoughts, and thirds, and ended up not going at all. I did make it to the midnight showing of Let Me In. This was a good movie. As much as the original, it was not your typical vampire story, though it had a lot of the traditional elements. Chloe Moretz' performance as Abby was somehow more androgynous than Eli in the original, though the producers eschewed the shot from the original which made her ambiguity more obvious.

I did get out this week for a manicure and pedicure. Got my fingernails done in OPI's No Bees Please, which is another one of those sheer almost colors. I spent the last month with my toes bright pink, per my nieces' request, so I bounced back and got them redone in another OPI standby, I'm Not Really a Waitress, which is a dark, glossy red.

Anyway, by way of explanation, I've gotten away from the original aim of this post. I was checking myself out in the shower before work tonight, and I noticed something. My nipples and areolae are slightly bigger than I remember. How big, I can't say. I haven't been measuring them, though maybe I ought to. They're not gigantic or anything, but they don't look as manly as they used to. Don't get me wrong; I'd love to have beautiful feminine nipples (and breasts to go with them). It's just that I haven't done anything to make them this way! My friend Katherine wrote in her blog that such development is an effect of female hormones, but I'm not taking any. I swear!

I should be cool with this, but one doesn't magically grow breast tissue. Now I wonder if I should see a doctor. Help!

Big Plans

I've talked for a couple of weeks now about venturing out to a late night movie, but I haven't been yet. I think I mentioned a couple of days ago that I was thinking of seeing a concert. A little band called Phantogram are playing at Club Downunder tonight. Club Downunder is an 18+ venue inside the Oglesby Union at FSU. That probably means I'll be on the upper end of the age curve at this show, but it's not the first time. Tickets for non-students are only $8.00, which is a steal.

If the show wraps up early enough, or I decide to bail, there's a 0015 show of Let Me In, the American remake of the Swedish vampire film I reviewed last spring. The trailers imply that this film will be faithful to the original, for all that the story's been relocated to the American Southwest. However it is, I'll be sure to let you know.

King of Pain

So I'm at work, and The Police's King of Pain comes on over the lobby music machine. Synchronicity is one of my all-time favorite albums, one of those rare discs I mentioned in the previous post where I love the whole thing. I first owned it on cassette, and I'm onto my second CD version. Anyway, I've been singing King of Pain since 1983, and I know it by heart. As I go into the elevator, I'm singing along softly, "There's a little black spot on the sun today..."

I continued singing as I got off on the third floor and bought a Coke Zero out of the machine there. I kept on as I went down the stairs to Two, where I stopped and got a little bag of Baked Lays out of the snack machine. Then I continued down the stairs to the lobby, and came out singing, "There's a blind man looking for a shadow of doubt" in perfect time with the music coming out of the ceiling.

Yeah, I'm a nerd. :)

Another Nothing Post

I'm hoping to go to the movies later tonight, and I'm even planning to see a concert Thursday night, but in the meantime I'm going to drop this in as filler. A couple of the message boards I hang out on have threads wherein posters are asked to list the contents of their MP3 players. I only just started to really download music this summer, and in yet another sign of how behind I am, I still don't have an actual media player device. That said, I've got a ton of stuff on my hard drive. I'm going to give y'all a peek inside.

This is just going to be a listing of artists/band names. If I listed album and song titles, the list would seem to go on forever.

I like to think of my music tastes as eclectic. You all might just think I'm weird.

Acrassicauda
Aerosmith
Alana Davis
Alanis Morissette
Alicia Keys
Amy Winehouse
Andy Caldwell
Anthony Hamilton
Arcade Fire
Arkestra One
Artie Traum
Astrud Gilberto
Bebel Gilberto
Belleruche
The Black Crowes
The Black Keys
Black Sheep
Blind Faith
The Bloodhound Gang
Blue Six
Bob Seger & the Silver Bullet Band
Boozoo Bajou
Broken Bells
Brother Cane
Butthole Surfers
Cake
Cathy Dennis
Chaser (remix of a Blue Six track)
The Chemical Brothers
Chris Cornell
Cirrus
Clannad
CocoRosie
Collective Soul
Corinne Bailey Rae
Coverdale/Page
Cowboy Mouth
The Cranberries
Dave Matthews
Def Leppard
Deftones
Deodato
Depeche Mode
Dishwalla
DJ Shadow
Dropkick Murphys
Duran Duran
EA Games Soundtrack (assorted songs from Mass Effect 2)
Eddie Vedder
Elbow
Electric Light Orchestra
Emiliana Torrini
Enya
Erin McCarley
Evanescence
Fatboy Slim
Federico Aubele
Fila Brazillia
Fiona Apple
Florence + the Machine
Frou Frou
Fuel
Fujiya & Miyagi
Galactic
Gary Jules
Goldfrapp
Goo Goo Dolls
Halestorm
House of Pain
Howard Jones
Ilaria Graziano
Imogen Heap
Iron & Wine
Jane Child
Jane's Addiction
Janet Jackson
Jeff Beck
John Williams (music from Star Wars)
Kate Havnevik
Kim Richey
Kinky
Koop
Korn
Lacuna Coil
Lady Gaga
Lauryn Hill
Led Zeppelin
Lenka
Lindsey Ray
Lindstrom & Christabelle
Lizz Wright
Loreta
Lusine
Maaya Sakamoto
Madonna
Mark Ronson
Maroon 5
Massive Attack
Maya Azucena
Men At Work
MeTalkPretty
Methods of Mayhem
Michael Bruce (remix of a song by Blitzen Trapper)
Ministry
Mo' Horizons
Moby
Mocean Worker
Mstislav Rostropovich
Muse
My Chemical Romance
Nickodemus
Nicola Conte
Nina Simone
Nine Inch Nails
Ocote Soul Sounds/Adrian Quesada
Origa with Heartsdales
Paul Hardcastle
A Perfect Circle
Phantogram
Portishead
The Prime Movers
Pumali Panthers
Radiohead
Rage Against the Machine
The Raveonettes
Rick Springfield
Rob Zombie
Robert Plant/Alison Krauss
Rodrigo y Gabriela
Sarah McLachlan
Scissor Sisters
The Seatbelts
Sencit
Sia
Siouxsie and the Banshees
Sixx A.M.
Skindred
Soundgarden
Stabbing Westward
Staind
Sublime
Switchfoot
Thomas Dolby
Three Mile Pilot
Tonic
Tori Amos
Train
Two Steps from Hell
U2
United Future Organization
Ursula 1000
Van Canto
Vanessa-Mae
Various (mostly Amazon sampler albums)
Various Artists (soundtracks and compilations)
Xzibit
Yeasayer
Yello
Zero 7

Now, I didn't download all of that. I've been ripping individual tracks off of various albums, trying to render my massive CD collection down into something more manageable. That process accounts for close to forty of the albums in my digital collection. I have some albums that I love in their entirety, but I also have quite a few that I bought in pre-download days just to get one song, hoping that I'd like the whole disc. That love didn't always manifest.

Scary Monsters

The photo to the left is one I ganked off of yesterday's Go Fug Yourself. The three people in it are, left to right: Madonna's daughter Lourdes, Taylor Momsen (who is apparently an actress or something) and Madonna.

The first thing that grabbed me was Momsen's eye makeup. Holy hell! That girl's wearing more eyeliner than I have in my whole life. Then I got a look at Lourdes's outfit.

Let's see, she's wearing a leather jacket (with the sleeves pulled up) over an unbuttoned flannel shirt, over a tunic, with ripped(!) tights and either heavy socks or leg warmers(?!) tucked into ugly boots.

Madonna, on the other hand, looks almost normal. The platforms on her shoes almost look like hooves.

There's enough Nightmare Fuel in this photo to last for weeks.

Taylor Momsen's boots are pretty cool, though.

I really need to get some shopping in.

Putting the Band Back Together

Check out the link in the title! There's a new song/video from Soundgarden. They have a double album coming out later this week. I used to marvel at the way the "old folks" acted when they heard the Beatles (or some other act) were reuniting. Now I understand. I heard the song on the radio last night riding into work, and it's like the band never broke up. I do not "Squee!", but if I did, this is something that would evoke it.

Now if only Robert Plant would come down off the horse and get back with the lads from Led Zeppelin...

Witchcraft

There's a Tea Party rep running for Congress in Delaware. Her name is Christine O'Donnell. Since her nomination last week, she's been dodging appearances on various television programs. This isn't really a new thing; all of the Tea Party candidates have done this. If they don't appear on shows hosted by people who don't share their views, then they don't have to answer hard questions about their positions, some of which are admittedly odd.

One of the hosts whose show she's declined to appear on is Bill Maher, the host of HBO's Real Time. I didn't know this, but Ms. O'Donnell was a frequent guest on Bill's old program, Politically Incorrect. Bill had promised to show clips from her old appearances every week until she consents to appear on his program. Last Friday, he showed a clip where she claimed to have "dabbled into witchcraft".

I know a little something about dabbling IN witchcraft. I dabbled IN Wicca. I stood in circles on the Sabbat. I stood for the God in certain rites. In March of 1993, I went to Virginia Beach with some friends. We cast a circle on the shore under the full moon when it was in perigee (that's when it's as close to the Earth as it ever gets). That was an awesome experience, with the beach awash in all sorts of energies. In the end, it wasn't for me, anymore than any faith is.

Dabbling INTO witchcraft sounds like she peed in it or something. I also dislike the association she made between witchcraft and Satanism. Wicca is a legitimate religion, recognized by the government and everything. In 2007, the organization in charge of marking soldiers' graves allowed the Pentacle to be placed on the headstones of the fallen, along with the symbols of other soldiers' faiths. Satanism, on the other hand, is just a bunch of silly anti-God claptrap. I can do anti-God without any silly rituals or pretense at evil deeds. I used to know some Satanists, and they were just people who liked to drink and drug and screw around and pretend they needed some higher (or lower) power's blessing to do it. I think the Wiccans have it right: "An' it harm none, do as thou wilt."

All that said, Christine O'Donnell is NOT one of my people. She's human, and American, but that's all we have in common.

Oh, in case anyone was wondering, I haven't made it to the movies yet. Thursday night I felt like crap, and stayed home in bed. Ditto for Sunday. I will get out sometime this week, if it kills me.

EDIT: Rereading this post, I realized I misused a word. I wrote "perihelion" when I meant "perigee". Perigee is when an orbiting body gets as close to the object it orbits. "Perihelion" is when an object gets as close to the sun as it ever gets. No one is paying attention. LLLLL would have caught that one in a heartbeat.

Going to the Movies

Thursday has become one of my regular nights off. Coincidentally, the local AMC theater has started offering midnight shows on Thursday of whatever films are set to premiere on Friday. This week there are four films to choose from:

Alpha and Omega - In spite of the title, not a religious film. Instead, this is an animated production about wolves. Why are they having a midnight show of a kiddie movie on a school night? Needless to say, I won't be checking this one out.

Devil - This is supposedly a comic book-style movie. A handful of people are trapped in an elevator, and one of them is... the Devil. This picture was written and produced by M. Night Shyamalan, but he let someone else direct it, a John Erick Dowdle, whose previous credits include Quarantine, which was a remake of the Spanish film REC. I might go for this one, but the Night association is more than a little off-putting.

Easy A - This is a teen flick starring Emma Stone and Amanda Bynes (22 and 24, respectively, an egregious case of Dawson Casting). The tagline for this film is "Let's not and say we did." I think I won't.

The Town - A crime thriller written, directed by and starring Ben Affleck. Affleck plays the ringleader of a crew of bank robbers, who wants to go straight after pulling one more big heist. This was adapted from Chuck Hogan's novel Prince of Thieves. I can't imagine why they wouldn't want to use that title... Oh, wait, there was a Robin Hood movie made with that title twenty years ago, starring... Kevin Costner. Never mind, disassociating one's work from that reference is all the explanation this troper needs.

Out of last weekend's crop, there's an IMAX showing of the latest Resident Evil flick at 2345. I like Milla Jovovich, but how many times can I watch her kill zombie monsters?

The animated film is a no-go. Easy A is a stereotypical "chick" movie, but I have low tolerance for contemporary teen comedies. That leaves Devil and The Town. I could set aside my feelings for Mr. Shyamalan and go for the scare, but I like Ben Affleck, both as an actor (Reindeer Games, for one) and director (Gone, Baby Gone), and I enjoyed the book. I'll probably go see The Town, but I'm open to suggestions.

I may have forgotten to mention that I'm going out en femme. I won't be dressed wild or anything, just a top with jeans and heels. I've watched how other women dress to go to the movies all summer, so I won't be too out of place, I think.

Was It Something I Said?

Sometime during the last week I lost a follower. I don't know who it was. Most of my admittedly small coterie never comment on anything I write here, so I don't know most of them. I guess I haven't done enough to get to know my audience.

My last few posts have, admittedly, had little or nothing to do with being trans. I apologize if my writing doesn't interest anyone, but there's a lot going on, and my transition isn't, so please, bear with me.

On a more positive note, I broke down and treated myself to a little shopping. During a break at work last night, I popped online and bought this:

http://www.alittletouchofmagick.com/product_info.php?products_id=3413

I've been looking at their posts on Facebook the last couple of months, and I like their stuff. This item appeared on Friday, and I got myself through the weekend by thinking about how I could snap it up after I was paid again. Maybe I'll get to wear it out sometime.

9/12

Yesterday was September 11, the ninth anniversary of the terrorist attacks on New York and Washington, DC*. I don't have anything meaningful to say about that event that hasn't been said by others, and probably with more eloquence and forethought, but I did like this blogger's take on the event:

http://laughinginpurgatory.blogspot.com/2010/09/atheism-and-911.html


* Yes, I know a fourth plane came down in Shanksville, PA. That was United 93, and it wasn't intended to come down in the middle of Pennsylvania farm country. The people who stopped that plane from reaching its target are some of the bravest that have ever lived, in my estimation. Damn it, I went and said something anyway.

Wealth

I don't think of myself as being poor, at least not in the usual sense. I've settled into being on the lower edge of the so-called middle class, and that's okay. I sometimes wonder though, what it might be like to spend money with impugnity, to throw it around without having to worry if I'm spending part of the rent, or risking having a utility turned off or something important like that.

A guest in the hotel last night ran up a $280 tab in the restaurant, dinner and drinks for fourteen people, and charged it to his room. The bartender had me check is credit card to make sure he was good for it. He was. Two weeks ago I splurged on pizza for the family (all thirteen of us) for my niece's birthday. That was a mere $40, and it hurt. It was a pleasant hurt, because I was doing for people I love, but still. I can imagine spending money like my guests, but only because I've got a pretty wild imagination.

Someday, maybe.

Another Blog

One of the bloggers I read intersperses her real-life blogs with entries concerning an ongoing campaign of her favorite video game, written as though she were the character she plays, visiting those places, interacting with those people, and sometimes killing them.

I used to fancy myself a fiction writer, but I stopped exercising that particular talent, and it withered on the vine. I started this blog and the others before it to brush up on my writing skills, to get back into the practice of word-slinging. Now I'm feeling the urge to try out something creative, but I'm taking baby steps by playing in somebody else's sandbox.

In a couple of days I'm going to kick off a new Mass Effect 2 campaign, and I'm going to start writing log entries as though I were that version of Commander Shepard. I'm also going to illustrate this thing, with a combination of promotional images authorized for such use by EA and Bioware and some screenshots I'll take from the game in-progress.

This is not without a certain amount of relative danger. The Mass Effect universe and everything in it are still very much the property of EA and Bioware. I don't think this vanity project of mine will do anyone any harm, but corporations can be a mite persnickety with regard to fair use of their intellectual property. They could slap me with a Cease and Desist order, and that would be the end of that. We'll just have to see.

I'm not ending this blog by any stretch of the imagination, but I hate to clutter this place up with wildly off-topic material. I don't want someone who's been away from here for a while to come back and read about my adventures in the Terminus Systems and come away thinking I'm spacier than ever.

I'll put up a link when this thing is ready to kick off. I'm still trying to find an appropriate blog title, using a phrase from the game. Oddly enough, a lot of them are already taken. That's what I get for jumping on the bandwagon seven months late.

Jeggings?

I haven't really been out shopping for clothes since October, but I still try to keep an eye out for what's in fashion, for the time when I can get out again. This morning my inbox was full of sales fliers for various shops, and they were all hawking the latest wonder, a garment called "jeggings". Depending on which description one prefers, these are either leggings that are fashioned to resemble jeans, or jeans which have been made out of lycra-blend material like leggings. I like leggings, and I love jeans (the tighter the better!), but I wonder if these new things aren't like a rock star get-up from the Eighties. All of the layouts I've seen them in pair them with tunics or long coats and high heels, both of which I already like, and the combination emphasizes my legs, which are still one of my best features.

Via my email, I see these are available at Dots (not around here) and Torrid (not here either), but also available through Newport News. I came downstairs just before leaving for work, and my niece was wearing a pair. She raved about them, and said I should go for it, but she's sixteen, and what's cool for kids like her may not fly on a thirtysomething like me.

Another thing that bugs me is the name. I'm not unused to contractions and combined words, but the rough compression of the "j" sound up against those hard "g's" sticks in my mouth. It does not roll trippingly off the tongue. That's just a minor nitpick, though.

Dare I to try them?

Changes Afoot

Why, yes, I have been listening to a lot of U2 lately. I guess it's good I didn't decide to quote from "Running to Stand Still" or any of their equally glum material.

EDIT: It occurs to me that I posted this under the assumption that anyone clicking over here would automatically notice that I changed the box in the upper right from "About Me" to "About this blog" and changed the wording. A lot. With nary an explanation.

Dog Days Again (Because I Can)

I probably should have included the video in that previous post for lazy folk, but I was at work when I originally wrote it, and I'm still testing the limits of their internet permissions. Anyway, here's Florence in all her glory:

Hooray for Spam Filtering!

Has anyone else noticed the changes Blogger have made to Comments? Just recently they've added a filter of some sort that dumps any comment that might be junk into a Spam folder. I wasn't praying, but it seems someone was listening anyway.

Dog Days

This is my obligatory post to let everyone know I'm still kicking. I try to only write when I have something to say, but after some of the last posts, I feel compelled to keep people abreast of my ongoing struggle. The urges to play in traffic or test the sharpness of various objects is much-diminished, but I hesitate to say that I'm happy just yet.

It's funny. A couple of weeks ago, I discovered a new song (new to me, anyway). The song is called "Dog Days Are Over", and it's by a little British art rock outfit called Florence and the Machine. I first heard it in promos for the USA series "Covert Affairs", and it's since popped up in the trailers for "Eat, Pray, Love". I first heard a snippet in a promo, then I watched the video on YouTube, and a few minutes later downloaded the song from Amazon. It's catchy, and the video is energetically exuberant, with wild costumes and eye-popping colors (as far as those costumes go, I think Florence could give Lady Gaga a run for her money). I wish I knew a way to carry that happiness around with me, without listening to the song all the time.

It's now been six months and a couple of weeks since the last time I went out of doors en femme. That's the longest I've been since I came out again in 2005. I don't define myself as a crossdresser, so I it's not like I need to dress up like a woman all the time, but not presenting myself in public the way I prefer is wearing on me I know, I know; technically I'm crossdressing all the time, not owning more than a stitch or two of male clothing, but not wearing makeup, or hair, or some of my pretty tops and shoes is killing me. I need to find a place and time to get out as myself, or as my perception of myself, and I'd rather it not be the dance bar full of college students that Ms. Self-Medicating told me about. I've checked out their photos on Facebook, and that is SO not my scene.

Talkin' Bout a Revolution

Is this how it begins?

I was at work Sunday evening, and it was quiet enough at times that I could listen to the background music that was playing. I've talked at times about how mellow and downtempo the overnight mix is. The afternoon/evening mix is poppier, featuring a lot more mainstream pop music, and the songs are spread out further in time, with stuff from the Seventies and Eighties strung out amidst the more contemporary material. I was coming back to the desk from running some supplies to a guest, when I caught a snatch of Tracey Chapman's "Talkin' Bout a Revolution". There's a line that goes, "Finally the tables are starting to turn."

That brought tears to my eyes. I have tears in my eyes all the time now, and I don't know how to make them go away. It's not all internal. I'll try to explain.

There's an ongoing court case in Texas. Nikki Araguz, a widowed transwoman, is fighting to get her late husband's (a firefighter) suvivor benefits. Her in-laws are trying to get the money themselves, and they've hired attorneys to get the court to void the marriage by finding that Nikki isn't really a woman. This makes me angry to no end, but what can I do about it from here?

Over the weekend there was a political shindig in Las Vegas called Netroots Nation. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-California) participated in some sort of Q & A. She was pressed on the issue of getting Congress to act on ENDA. Her response was to say, "Make me." I know it wasn't intended as a taunt. Rather, she wants the LGBT community to make noise with their Congresspeople, to drum up the money and votes that'll be needed to pass the legislation. I tried that back in the spring. I sent an email to my new Floridian Congressman. It was a form email, because I couldn't muster the words to personalize the message. Naturally, his office sent back a form response.

From where I stand, the tables don't seem to be turning at all, and certainly not in our direction. I just don't know what to do about it. I barely have control of my own life, so how am I supposed to make the government do anything?

I keep hearing that Congress is more concerned with jobs and the economy. As I see it, ENDA is a jobs and economy issue. How many of us are in the closet because we know we can and will be fired if we make ourselves known? How many trans people are out in the world working shit jobs for little pay because of legally-sanctioned discrimination? If we could all get decent jobs and not worry about our job security, wouldn't we have more money, and funnel that money back into the economy?

Sometimes I feel like I don't have any recourse. I don't own a weapon, and I don't know that I'd do anything with one if I had it. I don't want to become a "Ticked Off Tranny" with a gun, but I'm tired of falling back.

World War II: Worst TV Series Ever

I didn't write this. I don't even know the writer. A friend of a friend's friend pointed me toward it, and I feel compelled to share.

http://squid314.livejournal.com/275614.html

That's some of the finest satire I've read in a long time.

Around the World

I've written here a few times about my ongoing war with spam commenters. The first fake comments came from Chinese spammers, sending links to their chat/porn sites. A few days ago, I got one leading to a Japanese porn site. Saturday evening I got two comments saying "You have a nice blog," along with links to what appears to be a Polish-language banking site. I say "appears" because I don't trust anything I can't read.

This makes three countries I'm getting readers from, in addition to the legitimate site traffic. This is a positive thing, right? My blog is at least being seen by other people, even if it's not the audience I'm looking for. This reminds me, I need to look at Google Analytics. I haven't checked in a while.

Apparently, I Write Like Cory Doctorow

I write like
Cory Doctorow

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

For anyone who doesn't know, Cory Doctorow is a blogger and a science fiction novelist. I am embarrassed to admit that I picked up one of his books and couldn't get into it. Does anyone else have that problem with my writing?

A Makeup Test

I haven't worn makeup since January, but I've tried to maintain my supplies and refresh from time to time with new products as they catch my eye. I tend to stick with stuff that works, but every once in a while I'll try something totally new, especially if I'm bombarded constantly by TV commercials and print ads in every publication.

One product I'm always looking at is mascara, as my lashes are not especially long or thick. Maybe it's because I'm technically male, but most mascaras don't do much for my eyelashes. Today I tried two different products: Maybelline's Volum' Express the Falsies in Blackest Black and Cover Girl's Lash Blast Fusion.

Maybelline Volum' Express the Falsies
http://www.maybelline.com/Product/Eye/Mascara/falsies-volume-express.htm

The ad copy promises to "instantly build 8x more volume without clumping" and to provide "the look of 300% more lashes". Maybe I didn't get it on thick enough, but I didn't see more volume or extra lashes. I see upon reflection that they suggest that the wearer repeat coats "until false lash look is achieved". That could mean wearing a LOT of mascara. Ugh. It's bad enough that I have to wear a lot of foundation. I can usually get by with minimal use of eye makeup. Maybe I'll give this product a go when I can wear full face, but at this point I'm disinclined to recommend it.

Cover Girl Lash Blast Fusion
http://www.covergirl.com/products/product.jsp?productId=lashblast_fusion_mascara

Here I must confess that I was a little predisposed toward this product. I like the original Lash Blast formula, and I always got good results with it. I only went out and bought the newer product because it was time to replace the other stuff, and I thought I'd combine replacement with a demo. I found that I got both length and thickness with this product. I definitely give this one my thumbs-up.

I can't find any of the print ads, but I've seen in the small print for one of these products that the model is wearing false lashes in addition to the mascara, and further that for best results one should wear both. I have to try, hard sometimes, to avoid looking like a drag queen, and they want me to wear false lashes AND heavy mascara? I think I'll pass.

Almost forgot: I trialed a new eye shadow with these mascaras. Cover Girl have a new product they've been cross-promoting with the Lash Blast: Smoky Shadow Blast. This is a two-part product featuring creamy shadow built into a double-ended pen. One end features a soft color on a rounded applicator. The other end is pointed, with a darker or more "bold" color. I don't like their choices of color combos. The colors they place together are complimentary, but not necessarily what I'd call the best choices. Perhaps they did this on purpose, in order to sell more shadow. Or maybe they expect their customers to be less picky. I don't know. I tried out one called "Purple Plume". The step one shadow is a pale, pinky lavender, and the step two is a purpley bronze. Neither shade looks very purple on the skin, but I think they looked okay.

Crossdressing: You're Doing It Wrong 2

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/38316250/ns/world_news-weird_news/

A man was arrested in Mexico City for attempting to smuggle baby Titi monkeys in little pouches attached to a girdle he was wearing.

Nice Try, Spammers!

A few weeks ago I went back to moderating comments, because I was getting tired of weeding out all the links to Chinese-language chat and porn sites. This has not been a bad idea, because sometimes these would-be advertisers are the only people posting comments to this blog. That's not a complaint, merely an observation.

Anywho, I opened my Gmail box to find another comment awaiting my attention. The poster's name was listed in Chinese characters, so I was prepared to eliminate it out of hand, but I like to give everyone benefit of the doubt. I clicked through to my Comment Moderation page, and found the following message:

"We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box."

Looks like someone nicked a bit of wisdom from a greeting card, and I would have allowed their comment, save for the link on the end to another porn site. So, to the spammers I say this, "Good show, and SOD OFF!!"

After Another Long Hiatus

I have returned. I've been logging in periodically to read and comment on others' blogs, but I haven't felt much like posting. I've done some comment moderation. I wish I could say I was surprised, but the only commenters these last three weeks or so have been spammers planting links to their Chinese-language chat/porn sites.

The last weeks have been eventful, and yet not. I called Dad on Father's Day and found him in the hospital, down with a bout of near-fatal septicemia. That's when an infection gets into your bloodstream, and in his case it had gotten to both his heart and brain. While recovering from that, he had both a heart attack and a stroke. His life is no longer in imminent danger, but his health problems brought to the surface the long-seething conflict between my brother and my stepmother. Thermonuclear war would be less destructive. I wish there could be peace between them, but I don't think it's going to happen.

Back in May I wrote a little about suicide. I am sorry to report that my consideration of that has continued. Some days it's just not worth getting out of bed. I broke down and called a good friend, and she told me that suicide ideation can lead to actual suicide. She went on to suggest that I call a suicide hotline, if for no other reason than to find a counselor to speak to. The young woman who answered the phone talked to me for a bit, though she seemed a little out of her depth. She did give me the number of a counselor who billed on a sliding scale. That, I am sorry to say was less than productive. She started off by asking me about my religious affiliation, if I was "right with Jesus". I told her I was an atheist, and the discussion went downhill from there. I thanked her for her time and hung up. Then I called my friend back. Friends who love are always better than any quack sitting in an office.

On that note, I re-connected with one of my oldest friends via Facebook last weekend. She's the only friend from my teenage years that I didn't go to school with. We were also an on-again, off-again romantic thing, the closest thing in my life to "friends with benefits". I can say without equivocation that the best sex I ever had was with her. We hadn't talked on the phone in almost seven years, and I haven't seen her in more than ten, but talking to her, it was almost as though no time had passed. Naturally, she's in a relationship, and I won't interfere with that. What does it say about me that I would if she wanted me to?

Work is both stressful and sustaining. I'm finally getting forty-hour weeks, but it's meant taking on a 1500-2300 shift, and I always get that on the heels of working 2300-0700. I've always preferred double shifts to working back-t0-back, but the extra money is nice. I've been able to do a little shopping, which has helped me feel more like myself. I bought myself a couple of sleepshirts (one has the art from U2's War on the front) and got a manicure and pedicure last week. The new color is Nicole by OPI's Jade in the Shade, if anyone cares.

On top of all the other stressful events, Spot died last week. I don't know what got him, but he hadn't been "right" since the middle of June. We had to put all the animals outside one morning while we flea-bombed the house, and Spot did his best to try to get away and walkabout. A couple of days later he got out of the house somehow, and didn't turn up until early evening. He didn't have any visible wounds, and I gave him a bath just in case. His behavior changed. He wouldn't hang out in my bedroom much, and took to hiding in cabinets or up on shelves. Last Sunday I realized that I'd gone all day and hadn't seen him. I found him on top of the dresser in one of my nieces' bedrooms. I gave him food and water, and after a time he moved into the bathroom and laid on the tiles. He got up occasionally to shift position, but he didn't leave the bathroom at all. He was lying there peacefully when I left for work Monday night, and I found him in the same place Tuesday morning when I returned. His breathing was rapid and shallow. I spent some time cuddling with him, then laid down for a nap. I woke in the afternoon to find he was gone. We buried him deep in a hole in the backyard. I loved that cat with every fiber of my being, and I like to believe he loved me back. He will be missed.

That said, I got my pick of the kittens remaining from Twilight and Freckles' litters, and I chose the one that seemed to like me best. He's sleeping in the space between the keyboard and monitor as I type this. I haven't settled on a name for him yet. I might ask for some help here before too long.

Anyway, I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm still kicking down here.

Weird

Two days ago I made the mistake of downloading a music file off the now-defunct Limewire P2P service. Somehow an infected file attached itself to the MP3, and a little while later I discovered that someone had hijacked my Gmail account and used it to spam my friends with a link to a phishing site. I don't think anyone opened the link, and most of my friends email servers bounced the message back as junk, but I had to change my passwords and log in again to make sure everything was secure. I thought I had done everything, but a moment ago I discovered I was Following my own blog. Weird, huh?

Apropos of Nothing

I saw two little news items this week that tickled my funny bone. Item one:

http://www.journalstandard.com/opinions/columnists/x1600618702/MY-VIEW-Game-ends-for-Touchdown-Jesus

A six-story high statue of Jesus in Ohio was struck by lightning Monday night and burned to the ground. Around the same time in North Carolina, the following occurred:

http://www.wcnc.com/home/Big-Foot-spotting-in-Cleveland-County-96348919.html

Check out the man's sketch of his sasquatch. Looks remarkably Jesus-like.

That's all for that. It's meaningless and possibly even offensive, but I just had to share.

What Is That About?

My friends know my love-hate relationship with Facebook. I love being connected to my friends and family. It's been especially valuable in that way since I moved to Florida. I've also made some new friends. Some are friends of friends, others are people who share interests. My friend list jumped a bit when Mass Effect 2 came out. Some of my friends came to my attention because Facebook "suggested" them. That's how I came to be "friends" with a few celebrities. What brings me out tonight are the outliers. I'm speaking of the friend requests I've gotten from complete strangers who don't even share any interests. I know some people collect friends on Facebook, under some sort of "she who dies with the most friends on Facebook" vibe. That doesn't bother me too much.

What does get me is that I think some of my friends are guys with a trans fetish. Some of these men are Middle Eastern, or East African. I'm always open to making friends in new places, so I usually accept friend requests from strangers in faraway places. Occasionally I wonder what prompts their friend request, but I don't always give it a lot of thought. That may have to change.

A little while ago, I was playing a game on Facebook (Bejeweled Blitz, if anyone cares). I don't know why, but people always open chat windows when I'm playing a game. It's a minor annoyance, because my system freezes up while the chat applet sorts itself out. Anyway, I was playing the game, and I got a chat pop-up from a recently-added friend in Turkey. I won't share the whole chat, but it went something like this:

Him: hi

Me: (after checking to see the time in Turkey) Good morning.

Him: how r u?

Me: tired. it was a long day.

Him: why?

Him: cam plz

Him: i mean webcam

So already I'm a little suspicious. Why does he want to cam chat?

Him: r u male?

AHA! We come to to the heart of the matter.

Me: you read my profile?

Him: yes

Me: you know im trans?

Him: yes

Me: I am transitioning, but am not full-time yet

Him: do u have a male body?

SIGH

Me: yes

Him: oh

That was the end of that. So, it's cool that I'm trans, but not cool because I'm not trans enough. I get it now. He wanted to see my breasts. Men are pigs.

Alejandro (another new Gaga video)

Hit the title to go to the video on Lady Gaga's website.

Don't ask me what the song is about; all I can do is process the visuals. I was hooked when I saw the first hot soldier in fishnets and heels. There's so much going on here: militarism, sacrilegious imagery, some serious Madonna evocation (the star, not the other one) or outright robbery. Costumes out the wazoo. There's a serious steampunk vibe, with cyber undertones. One of the male models reminds me of young Tom Cruise, circa Taps. Dig the bra with M-16 barrels covering the nipples!

Sorry I haven't been more communicative of late. I've been suffering serious writer's block. I found the link to this in my email and got the bug back.

Technical Difficulties

So I was trying to add my Youtube playlist to the sidebar here, and it keeps giving me a random selection of other people's vids, none of which are in either my faves or my custom playlist. Meh.

A Postcard from the Wall

I haven't been posting a lot lately, and I apologize. The truth is there hasn't been a lot to write about. I'm stuck in another of my ruts. I go to work. I come home, where I sleep, eat, read, use the internet, and play the 360. There is some variety as to what order I do those things in, but it's the same shit day in and out, and it's wearing me down again. I've been back to work about a month, and that's great, but work is only one part of what it takes to make me whole, and a lot of the rest is missing.

It's strange. On the outside, I feel fine. In fact, I feel pretty good. A couple of days ago, I stepped onto a scale for the first time in a year or more, and discovered that I'm not nearly as heavy as I thought. I'm still a little large for my size, but I'm down fifteen pounds from the last time I weighed myself, and that's no mean feat, especially for one who likes to snack as I do.

Underneath the surface, though, I'm a mass of roiling despair. You know that Nietzsche quote about gazing into the abyss? I wish I could see that. At least I'd know something was looking back at me from the black. Some days I feel as though I could end it. I've always viewed suicide as the coward's way out, and I am not a coward, but there are days when it's a chore just to get out of bed. Sometimes I just can't see the point anymore. There's just no joy in my life right now.

It's not that there's no pleasure at all. On the contrary, I've found plenty of little things to carry me along. I've been building a Youtube playlist of the songs I've heard at work. Give it a listen, and maybe you'll get a sense of the sounds of my job.

http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=29B52928D441DE51

Six weeks or so ago, both of the outside cats here went into heat, and the kittens are now in the process of being farmed out. The family are keeping a couple, and one of the little critters has glommed onto me, so maybe Spot won't be an only child anymore.

I've been reading some good books lately. The latest is horror/thriller novel entitled Feed. You can read all about it here:

http://www.thefeedbook.com/

Imagine a time in which blogs take over the news from the traditional media outlets. I won't give away the plot or premise of the book, but the gist of it is that a major, civilization-ending catastrophe arises, and the traditional news sources drop the ball, leaving internet-based media to pick up the slack and keep people informed. After a time, blogs become the news medium of choice. I'd like to write something like that, but I'm having trouble keeping this up. That brings me to a logical conclusion.

I think I'm going to step back from this blog for a while. I'm not quitting. I just need to sort some things out. I called this my "Trans Blog", but lately it's become a clearing house for whatever is on my mind, and lately that's a whole lot of nothing. I'll come back when I have a better idea of what my place is here. It might be next week, or further out, but I will return.

Progress in Florida III - Success!

http://www.tallahassee.com/article/20100512/NEWS01/5120330

In a 5-2 vote, the Leon County Commission approved the wildly controversial changes to the county's current human-rights ordinance. The changes are designed to deter discrimination and include more protection for members of the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community.

Three cheers for Leon County!

I don't know when the protections will kick in, but it's a start.

Back to Work

I've been back to work for about three weeks now. I got my first full paycheck from the new company yesterday. Florida doesn't take a state tax out of people's payroll, so it was a nice check. Today I'm off, so I think I'll treat myself to a haircut and maybe a manicure. It's nice to be employed again, but work is only a slim buffer against depression.

I've gotten into this weird rut where I feel melancholy at home, but happy at work. Maybe it's the music. Every hotel I've worked in has had it's own special mix, but this place has the most eclectic selection of all of them. It's a mixture of some current pop, classical jazz and a lot of ambient dance stuff. Right now they're playing John Mayer, but during this shift I've heard DJ Shadow, Zero 7, Lusine, Yeasayer, Thievery Corporation and a slew of other electronic artists. In between all the downtempo club stuff I get snatches of hard bop that wouldn't sound out of place in a Yoko Kanno-scored anime. It's all so mellow; it's almost impossible to feel down about anything wrapped up in the sounds of this place. Maybe I need to buy an MP3 player and download some of this stuff, so I can carry it around with me. Maybe.

On a positive note, I forgot to take my studs out last night before I came in. I started to take them out, but the Front Office Manager told me they looked professional, so I could leave them in. After the flap at my last job, this was a tremendous relief. Small victories, right?

Another Sign of the Impending Apocalypse

I signed up for Twitter.

Yeah, I know I've said repeatedly that I wasn't going to, because I don't care that much about anything. Alas, last month Keith Olbermann, one of my media heroes, broke down and started a Twitter feed. Every night since, he's cited various people's tweets on the air. The chance to interact, even in so impersonal a way, was impossible to resist.

I don't plan to use it all that much, but then, that's what I said a few years ago when I started blogging. We'll see.

Going Back to Moderated Comments

In the beginning of this blog, there was comment moderation. I was easily distracted when this thing began, so I removed the moderation so folk could comment at will, without worry. I changed my policy a few months back to disable anonymous comments. I figured anyone who wanted to say something would be willing to share their IDs. The last few weeks, I've gotten a lot of spam "comments" loaded with links to Chinese language chat and porn sites. I already don't have ads here because I can't control the content. I don't want my blog associated with ladyboy dating and trans pornography. That's enough of that. I'll try to be more attentive to my readers now.

More Like Myself

I haven't been out of doors en femme, as Jaye, as myself, since January. That's the longest span I've been without dressing since I moved out of Charlotte in September 2007. That's been hard to bear. My friends know I wear women's clothing all the time, but it's been so long since I presented myself in a female manner.

How fragile one's identity can be. Since I came out to the older children, I'm intermittently being peppered with questions about this and that. I've tried to be understanding and accommodating, answering their questions to the best of my ability without straying into TMI territory. I've been showing the girls my jewelry. The younger one has even asked me for tips about makeup once or twice. It's not enough. I've been reduced from an out-and-about transperson back to a closeted crossdresser. It's killing me one day at a time.

Over the weekend, Nate's ex bought a couple of sets of those stick-on artificial nails for her daughter and herself. They're the inexpensive kind, and they pop off with the least provocation. They rode off to the beach a little while ago, leaving the remains of both packs on the counter downstairs. I'm afraid I gave into temptation and picked out enough loose nails to fit myself out with a set. I haven't worn my fingernails long for a while now, and haven't kept them polished since the debacle at work last August. They're pretty, if a little gaudy, certainly flashier than I would have indulged in at a salon. All the same, it was nice to have pretty hands again, even if only for a few minutes. It was nice to feel more like myself again.

Movin' On Up

I am gradually settling back into my working groove. I was hired as a night auditor, but my training schedule has been a little wonky. The first day was all computer training, and I worked from 1600 to 2100. The next day was orientation followed by some actual work, and that day I worked from 1400 to 2130. The next night was a weird one, 2000-0400, so I worked part of the evening shift and about half of the audit. Then I was off last night and tonight. Tomorrow I go back to that weird shift, followed by two all-audit 2300-0700 shifts.

All of this means that I've had to shift my sleeping habits again. My Circadian rhythms are all out of whack, and I've been trying to get around without disrupting the rest of the household. To that end, I was encouraged to switch sleeping quarters with my 11 year-old niece. After months of communal sleeping, I get a bedroom to myself. If I'm home from work, I can now sit up all hours and type on the computer, or play Xbox into the wee hours without disturbing anyone.

Another development of note is that we may have found a two-bedroom house to live in, and the rent's only $500/month. For a house! Sweet!

Back to the Old Grind

Once again, I didn't mean to go almost a week without posting, but that's life, isn't it?

Nate's emergency of Saturday night turned out to not be a heart attack. It was a severe case of angina. The doctor at TMH prescribed a couple of medications, a diet of 1800 calories per day, and told him to stop smoking. The meds are doing their thing, the diet is going well so far, and that's about it. Nate has cut down on the smoking, but he's a ways to go before he can quit. The nicotine gene runs in our family. Both our parents smoked, and both sets of grandparents, and numerous relations as well. I'm the only non-smoker in the family.

I mentioned before that I had an interview scheduled for Monday. That went very well. There was a follow-up telephone interview on Wednesday with the corporate Director of Hotel Operations, and then I had to wait another day for my background check to come back. Today I underwent Orientation, which consisted of watching a droll video, then signing about a hundred different sheets of paper. Last I was entered into the time clock system. That was new. Every place I've worked before used either paper or plastic cards. This place uses a state-of-the-art biometric system. You key in the last four digits of your SSN, then place your hand in the reader. I felt like I was entering a secret base or something. What's next, retinal scanning? Anyway, I start training for the new job next Monday.

A number of people have told me that they hope my new employer will be more accommodating toward my gender identity issues; I too share this hope, but it remains to be seen. I watched the video today and paid special attention to the company's equal employment opportunity and non-discrimination policies. There was no wording which I could construe as implying any protection for people like me. I've got my fingers crossed that the job protection legislation makes it through the Tallahassee city council next month. After that, we'll see.

Warning Shot

We had a bit of a scare last night. It was a little before 2000, and we were all sitting down to a late supper when my brother collapsed. The EMTs arrived in about fifteen minutes, with an ambulance about ten minutes behind them, ending with a trip to Tallahassee Memorial Hospital. They've kept him overnight so they could run some additional tests, but the preliminary diagnosis was that Nate had a "mild" heart attack. I'll try to keep everyone apprised of things as I become aware.

Looking Up, Looking Back

The last week has been a little more exciting than a lot of those preceding. Sunday we went to Carrabelle Beach. I presented male, and wore swim trunks and a baggy tee shirt. I got waist-deep in the ocean and decided I'd had enough. I then spent the rest of the afternoon reading and taking pictures.

Monday I went out and put in some more job applications. I also received a call about an interview at a hotel where I applied more than a month ago.

Tuesday I went to the interview. It went great for the first twenty minutes or so. As long as we chatted about my experience and some of the skills I have, I was fine. Then the GM asked me about a specific situation, and I imploded. I could not recall in any detail a single incident that could illustrate my skills. He then asked me for a different example, and I couldn't remember a damned thing! I could (and do) remember a whole slew of negative experiences, but the memories of all the people I've helped and taken care of evaporated. The rest of the interview was perfunctory stuff. He told me about the company, and their benefits, and whatnot, and said they'd make a decision by Friday. Needless to say, I did not hear from them yesterday.

Wednesday and Thursday were mostly idle days, with my usual patterns of sleep, internet and Xbox broken only by running some errands with Nate.

I did get a phone call Friday afternoon, but not from the people I saw on Tuesday. It was another interview request, this time for next Monday. It's from a chain I have worked with before, but don't list on my resume. It was not a happy experience. That was seven years ago, though. I'm willing to let bygones be, in the service of finding myself gainfully employed again. This idleness is killing me.

Somewhere in the middle I saw my new trans "friend" again. She creeps me out, and illustrates all the reasons why they have steps a person is supposed to follow, and why. I mentioned before that she's taking hormones without regular supervision from a doctor. She told me that when I'm ready to start my own therapy, to let her know, and she'll hook me up with a doctor who will provide me, up front, with a year's prescription for maximum-dose hormones. This doctor is reportedly located in the nearby (and aptly named) town of Panacea. Talking to the lady makes my skin crawl. I don't like to take strong pain meds without they say-so of a doctor; why would I risk any sort of damage by fooling around with estrogen?

A positive outcome of that encounter was that I had the longest talk ever with Nate about being trans. He still can't quite get his head around it, but I think he was reassured that we feel the same way about this other person.

No Day at the Beach

Tomorrow after the rest of the family get back from church, we're going to the beach. For all the time I was living in Virginia, I never got around to the beach. Once, on a trip up from Charlotte, I drove out to the shore, shucked my shoes and ran down into the surf shouting, "Thalassa! Thalassa! at the top of my lungs, but that was almost seven years ago. I haven't been on a traditional beach outing since sometime in the early 90s. Why is complicated.

Going to the beach brings out all of my insecurities regarding my self image. As a man, I'm not in the greatest shape. I'm doughy around the middle, but I don't look like a beached whale or anything. The problem is, I just don't like to be seen that way. I know that I am no bathing beauty, and this body of mine has no place on the beach in a woman's swimsuit, but I just can't see going into the water in anything else. One of my housemates offered to get me a swimsuit, but I told her I wasn't going into the water. Part of me wants to, to have fun with my nephews, but I can't do it.

Should I even go?

No Fooling

Today is April Fools Day, and I'm not celebrating. If you want some appropriate tomfoolery, it's all over the web today. Google turned itself into "Topeka" for the day. Southwest Airlines produced a spot wherein they introduce the new trailer that's going to be towed behind their jets. A Polish website announced that Bioware are doing a Mass Effect game for the Wii. (Actually, that last one might be true, but as I said somewhere else, until Bioware says so, it's vaporware.)

I am still looking for work, though with not as much gusto as I had a few weeks ago. The job market here sucks just as badly as the one in Virginia. In an ironic turn, I actually moved away from a resort area again. There are lots of hotels here, but the only job listings Ive seen have been for the low-paying non-guest service variety. Tips are nice, but I want a job that pays a real wage, thank you very much.

Lately my thoughts have turned to returning to Virginia. It's not really feasible at the moment. I'm broke. There wasn't enough tax taken out of my wages last year, so I'm not going to get a refund. I've got no friends here, and as great as family can be, it's suffocating to have them all here, all the time. I want to honor my mother's wish that we all stick together, but I don't want to live with my brother forever. If I'm ever going to be able to transition, I've got to get out on my own, or at least out from under him.

The sad part is, I may have to take a job here for a time, just to raise enough money to get myself back home. I'd hate to do that to someone, work for a time, then run away. I may have to part with a lot of stuff, as I can't see taking it all with me, again. Hey, if I have a big enough sale, that might help to raise the money, right? I just don't know.

Progress in Florida, continued

http://www.tallahassee.com/article/20100324/NEWS01/3240319

Apparently I didn't read the original story right. The Leon County Commission voted yesterday, 4-3, to tentatively approve the measure. The final version won't be ready until late April, with a public hearing scheduled for May. I hope this thing passes. The comments posted there and on another news site are all negative. One commenter said that they accepted gays, but "couldn't get past the transgender thing".

Out of the Mouths of Babes

I was out in the yard watching my nephews for a bit this afternoon while dinner was being prepared. They were playing with a miniature badminton/tennis set, but they weren't using as intended. They're six and seven, so I cut them some slack. Anyway, I glanced away for a moment, and I hear the youngest shout, "You hit my boob!".

I turned around to see what was wrong. His brother whacked him high up on the chest, almost at the shoulder, with a ball. I told him, "That's your chest. Little boys don't have boobs."

I can't believe I said that.

Progress in Florida

http://www.tallahassee.com/article/20100321/NEWS01/3210329

I have MSNBC set to feed me headlines from the Tallahassee Democrat, what passes for a local newspaper around here. I haven't been here long enough to get a feel for the local politics, or most of the news that pops up, but the headline on this one caught my eye:

"Leon County mulls LGBT rights"

Leon County is where I live, and they're preparing to debate proposed legislation which would prevent discrimination in the workplace and housing against individuals for being G, L, B or T. I might try to get to the city center Wednesday to see what happens. This is especially of interest to me because I'm still looking for work.

On a related note, I met another trans person last weekend. She's a friend of a friend. She's not under a doctor's direct care, but she's taking hormones, and growing breasts. We had a couple of disagreements. One of them was based on her insistence that I should give up my beloved heels in order to better pass. I thought they stopped telling tall GGs not to wear heels years ago. Why the double standard for transwomen?

I miss my people in Virginia. I know I'm lousy at maintaining contact with people, and I can feel the support from afar, but I miss having someone to hug. No offense to Mister Sock.

Weird, but Okay

Last Friday evening I was detailed to baby-sit my nieces while everyone was out of the house. Actually, there wasn't much sitting involved, as the children are mostly self-sufficient. Sarah, who is 14, is usually competent to look after the rest, who are 10 and 11. Mostly I was asked to keep an ear out in case they got rambunctious or needed help with dinner.

I went out into the garage to rummage through boxes from the move. I've got most of my clothes in the house, and some of my jewelry, but I've misplaced the box containing my stud earrings. After a short, frustrating search, I was called back into the kitchen to help Sarah with dinner. She asked me what I was looking for, and I told her I was looking for my earrings. She gave me that look. Then she looked down at my feet (I got a pedicure last week) and pronounced that all I needed was a dress, heels and a tiara, and I could be a princess. She was joking.

I told her I was only missing the tiara.

I broke down and gave her the CliffsNotes version. She asked a couple of questions, which I answered, then she told me I was "weird, but okay."

It's a little thing, but I'll take my acceptance wherever I can find it. Small steps, right?

All Is Forgiven

I spent the last post venting my spleen, even though I didn't go into specifics. Today Florida showed a glimmer of being the land I thought I'd escaped to. We went out this morning to catch my nephews' last soccer games of the season, and the high temp today was 68 degrees. I was running around in a tee shirt in late February, and it wasn't some fluke of climate change. I am not 100% pleased with my living circumstances, but at least there was a small payoff in the weather.

Still Here, More or Less

I've been meaning to update this blog for several days, but I don't like to whine, and the last few drafts have quickly devolved into litanies of everything that hasn't gone right since the move. Just typing out that last sentence cranked up my blood pressure by a few degrees, so I'll try to stay positive. Or not.

Let me say this: if I had known life here was going to be like this, I'd have used the money for my plane tickets to place my things in storage and moved into a homeless shelter before coming to Florida. I'll write a bit more when I can compose a thought without conjuring my own hate and discontent.

Getting There

This was supposed to be my first post from Tallahassee, but things didn't exactly go according to plan. Before I get into that, let me recap the events since my last post.

Last Monday, we got the truck looked at. $1200 is a conservative estimate of the cost to fix everything. Even if I had the money, there was no guarantee the truck would make the trip, so we ended up selling it to a neighbor for $300. I booked a flight to Tallahassee out of Richmond, and made arrangements with another neighbor to get there.

Tuesday morning I went out and picked up my pre-order copy of Mass Effect 2. It is everything I could have hoped for in a game and more. It gave me something to do with my spare time between packing and sleeping last week.

Tuesday night was my last full shift at the hotel, but I made the mistake of letting them know that I had signed on to work until Wednesday, so I got dragooned into coming in for a couple of hours Wednesday night to show the new guy the ropes.

We spent Thursday and Friday packing out the apartment. You never realize how much stuff you own until you're trying to move. I packed up three or four boxes of clothes, and two plastic totes full of shoes, plus another four boxes of model kits.

Friday night saw the beginning of the worst winter storm Hampton Roads has seen since 1980. Our area got somewhere in the neighborhood of twelve inches of snow. It snowed, then sleeted, then snowed some more, and left the area blanketed in ice. Nate got the moving truck Saturday morning. We loaded all but a few essentials before calling it a day, and walked out to London Boulevard for pizza.

Sunday morning we finished packing, and Nate hit the road around 1500. I overnighted with a neighbor, and we got on the road to come to Richmond around 1000. My flight left for La Guardia, NY at 1450, and we arrived in New York a little after 1600. The next leg brought me from New York to Atlanta, GA a little after 1900.

Atlanta Hartsfield Jackson airport is a frakking zoo! From the arrival gate, I went down, and down, and down a long, long concourse back to the main terminal, only to travel down and escalator, go around a corner, and up another escalator, to reverse myself going up the other side of the terminal. I got held up in security lines, and got to my gate just in time to see the plane pulling away.

They put me on standby for another flight at 2249. Standby means you're waiting to see if there's an open seat. I was given the last seat, only to arrive at the plane and find the aircraft already full. So I'm spending the night in a nice hotel (the Sheraton Gateway), and I get to go back to the airport in the morning, and will hopefully arrive in Tallahassee a little after 0900. Wish me luck, or pray for me, or whatever you people do. In any case, I'll appreciate the thought.

I did get lots of nifty photos. :-)

Counting Down

Here it is, Friday, the 22nd of January, and so many things are coming to a head in the next few days. I'm getting a new phone/number over the weekend. Tuesday is my last day at work. It's also the release date for Mass Effect 2 in North America (Europe's got to wait three more days - Pfffft!). Next weekend we'll be loading our moving truck and easing on down to Florida.

I've moaned off and on about the ongoing troubles with my truck. I learned yesterday that all the little problems might be symptomatic of something that's too expensive to fix. We're going to replace one inexpensive component this weekend. If that has the desired effect, then I'll work on fixing all the little things that are wrong. If things don't work out, I'm going to ditch the truck and catch a plane to Tallahassee. I'd really love to have my own vehicle in my new place, but the odds don't favor that outcome.

In the midst of all the other stuff, I somehow forgot to blog about quitting my job. Pardon me, I resigned. That in itself has been a unique experience. In all my work history, I've never resigned before. I've quit, been laid off, and even fired a couple of times, but I've never formally resigned. No one's ever tried to make me stay someplace, either. Last Friday, the VP of Operations came by and tried to convince me to stay. I told her that I appreciated the effort, but this company lost my allegiance back when they told me I couldn't continue to work here if I transitioned. She didn't have an answer for that, and that was pretty much the end of the conversation.

I wish they had let me transition on the job. I'd be living en-femme pretty much full-time, and I'd have some basis for working that way when I get to Florida. As it is, I've got to pretty much start from scratch. I've been looking for a support structure in Florida, and I don't like what I see. There are plenty of groups and doctors and whatnot in the coastal cities, but next to nothing in the Panhandle, where I'll be. If anyone knows of something I haven't found, I'd be much obliged for the information.

Tuesday sees the release of Mass Effect 2. I've been jazzed ever since I posted the first trailer in June, after E3, but all the promotional material that Bioware have cranked out in the last month has just ramped up my personal tension. It's just a video game, I've heard people say, but those people haven't spent the last two years working through all the ins and outs of the first game, playing through all the possible permutations of how things could turn out. It turns out that all the decisions you make in the first game have consequences in the sequel, from how you treated your biggest fanboy to whether or not you participated in the genocide of an entire species. A blog I read a couple of months ago suggests that anyone who is enthusiastic about video games cannot be a woman. I have only rude things to say to that.

On the one hand, I hope the truck is fixable. If it's not, I get to fly for the first time in five years. What a trade!

A Nice Night for a Walk... Not!

After all my years on the night shift, I have become a creature of the night. I can run around and do things during the day, if need be, and I often do, but somehow I have reached a point where I am most comfortable in the dark. As such, when I am not working, I tend to try to keep the same hours I would when I'm working.

Saturday morning was the end of another nine-day stretch for me at work. I only got a short nap Saturday before I went out to a friend's house to watch District 9. Good movie. Came home and crashed.

I spent most of Sunday indoors, as it was raining. I alternated sleeping, playing Mass Effect (8 days till ME2!)on the Xbox, and watching DVDs. I went out for pizza around 1900, and vegged out in front of the computer for a while. Around 0030, Nate said something about walking up to 7-Eleven to buy cigarettes. I mentioned that I was thinking of making a run there myself, because I ran out of Coke Zero, and after a few minutes, I said I'd go. I could drive, but it's only half a mile, and walking saves gas and gives me a little exercise in the bargain.

I've been walking around this neighborhood for almost a year, day and night, and never had a negative experience of any kind. Much of that I attribute to my size. I'm a little over six feet tall and weigh over 200 pounds. No matter how I dress, I'm big, and no one willing messes with a big person. In theory, at least.

As I was putting on my shoes, Nate came in and asked if I had any pocket-sized weapons. I haven't openly carried any weapon for years, and the only weapons I own anymore are of the bladed variety, and long enough that I could get busted just for carrying them (I forgot I have my grandfather's nightstick, d'oh!). Besides, no one's ever bothered me in a hundred excursions or more, I said, and I'll only be gone half an hour or so.

There are two 7-Elevens within a mile of the apartment. I went to the nearest one, just a straight shot up Elm Avenue from home. They had Nate's smokes, but no Coke Zero, so I came back down Elm to London Boulevard and headed east, toward the second store, one long block down the street.

Just after I turned onto London, a man called out from across the street, "Man, do you have a cigarette?" I didn't understand what he said, and kept walking away. He ran across the street toward me, and I turned around. "Do you have a cigarette?" I told him "No" and kept walking. He asked me again, and I told him to "Fuck off." Not my brightest idea, but I wasn't feeling him.

Next thing, two more "gentlemen" approach from the opposite direction. They start chatting with gentleman #1. Obviously, they're not strangers. Number 1 tells the other two that I dissed him, and #2 starts looking at me funny. There wasn't any traffic on London Boulevard, so I crossed the street. The other side was better lit. Safer in the light, I thought. Heh.

Numbers 2 and 3 followed me. I don't remember what they said, but I tried to get them to back down, all the while looking out for #1. Number 2 slapped me, or something. He hit the right side of my head. It wasn't a hard blow, and it triggered my adrenaline response. In the back of my mind, I remember what I was taught of hand-to-hand combat. One fighter I could handle. Two, maybe, but only if I fight to win (no pulled punches, no soft blows). Any more than that, and you're supposed to run, but they were within ten feet, plenty of room to run me down, and I still didn't know where #1 was.

No worry. Number 1 came running across the street swinging ... a bicycle tire? I couldn't write shit like this. He swung the tire at me, and I side-stepped and yanked it out of his hand, pulling him off his feet in the process. I dropped into a fighting stance and gave the tire a couple of tentative swings, to put some space between them and me. Then they backed off and I drew... my cellphone. At that point, they ran back across London and down one of the side streets. I resumed my walk.

I got about half-a-block from the "attack site" and called Nate. I didn't call the police. What was I going to report? Three strange men half-heartedly attacked me and then ran away? I wasn't injured, beyond a cut lip (cut on my teeth). They certainly didn't steal anything, aside from a little peace of mind. Anyway, Nate came out and picked me up, and we drove out to WaWa. He got his cigs. I found that Coke product 12-packs were on sale, and grabbed a pint of ice cream to consume once the adrenaline wore off. Adrenaline's great when one is in action, but it's a hell of a thing to come down off of.

I Get It! I Get It!

I don't eat Chinese a lot, but I always make a point to eat a fortune cookie after the meal. Three or four years ago, I cracked open a cookie and out popped the following message:

"You will make many changes before settling satisfactorily."

I was just coming around to the idea of being trans, and words like these were momentous. I pinned the fortune to a bulletin board in my apartment.

This afternoon, we had Chinese takeout for the first time in a couple of months. I opened my fortune cookie, and what was printed on the fortune cookie, but the exact same message. If I believed in a higher power, I'd wonder if they were trying to get me back on track. If that were the case, I'd tell them, "I'm working on it. Now leave me alone."

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?

I love internet memes, to a point. This afternoon, a friend of mine posted the following on Facebook:



"India Foxtrot Yankee Oscar Uniform Charlie Alpha November Uniform November Delta Sierra Tango Alpha November Delta Tango Hotel India Sierra, Charlie Oscar Papa Yankee India Tango Alpha November Delta Papa Alpha Sierra Tango Echo India Tango Tango Oscar Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Lima India Victor Echo Juliet Oscar Uniform Romeo November Alpha Lima."

For those not fluent in NATO-standard alphabet code, it says

"If you can understand this, copy and paste it to your LiveJournal."

I had a LiveJournal once, and I still have an account (just so I can comment on other people's blogs), but I wasn't going to post all that (which I typed out by hand, just now), just for the sake of carrying on the internet's latest equivalent to a chain letter. But I decided to play along, so I posted a comment about not using LiveJournal anymore, and instead doing all my writing on Blogger. Which prompted a query regarding the link, only worded as

"Juliet Alpha Yankee Echo: Lima India November Kilo?"

Just out of curiosity, I did a Google search a few minutes (or is that Mikes?) ago for "India Foxtrot Yankee Oscar...", and it seems that this popped up on Twitter eleven days ago. I do not use Twitter. I will not use Twitter. I don't even read other people's Twitter feeds. I don't need to know about ANYTHING that badly. I don't think I've ever been that concerned with what John Scalzi calls "the blatherations of others". That might be a misquote (I think it refers to comments on his blog), but I feel it's appropriate. Now I'm sorry that I've perpetuated this thing.